"The noir hero is a knight in blood caked armor. He's dirty and he does his best to deny the fact that he's a hero the whole time."
Frank Miller
Horse Sense and Heart Sense
By GunShy
Chapter 9: Waiting
Buck watched and listened as the saloon slowly emptied leaving only Matt, Kitty, and Doc. He noticed that Newly paused to gather the bloody rags and take them away.
It was suddenly very calm and quiet in the Long Branch. Buck saw the pain cross Doc's face as he noticed the tiny jagged line of dried blood on Kitty's neck. He snatched one of the clean rags, put a little alcohol on it, and moved over next to her. "Kitty, just let me clean up that cut on your neck," he softly requested even as he gently cleaned off the blood. "It's just a tiny cut. It'll be fine. I'll put a small bandage on it." Doc carefully cut the exact size bandage and taped it in place. "Now, why don't you go on upstairs and rest? I know this has been awful hard on you. I'll keep watch and let you know if there's any change."
"Thanks, Doc. But I'm staying right here and keeping an eye on him. If he plans on leaving, I don't plan on letting him sneak out while I'm not watching."
"Kitty, Matt never meant to hurt you."
"Well he might not have meant it, but he sure did. Then he comes riding in here like some sort of knight on a white horse-well, buckskin horse-to rescue me, his damned damsel in distress."
Buck's ears perked up at that. Kitty was talking about him. Matt, a knight, and him, his faithful steed, together, rescuing a damsel in distress. Buck liked the sound of that. He thought it made him sound sort of heroic. He sure was glad Kitty remembered that it was him that brought Matt…not some white horse. He really couldn't imagine what she was thinking of…humph…white horse? Then Buck sobered, wondered what she would think of him if she knew it was his fault that Matt might die, that it was his decision that risked Matt's life to save her? Buck knew she would never have approved that choice, especially if Matt died.
A clearly exhausted Doc pulled out a chair at a table near Matt and lowered his weary bones into the seat, releasing an audible groan as he did so.
"Doc, you're the one who ought to get some rest. You have to be exhausted. You've been operating for hours."
"Kitty, I would, but I can't leave him. I'm going have to keep a close watch. He's hurt awful bad. I need to monitor his breathing, and, if he were to start bleeding again… Well, I need to be here. That's all." Buck watched as the old doctor shook his head and rubbed at his face and mustache. Buck thought those little habits were such a part of this man that Matt counted as one of his closest friends, a friend that was more like family. Buck just hoped the doctor had managed to save Matt, one more time.
Kitty stretched and rolled her shoulders. Then reached out to caress Matt's cheek, jerking her hand back as she saw that it was still covered with dried remnants of his blood. She looked down at her clothes and saw more of the same, saw Matt's bloody handprint on her sleeve. "Doc…"
Doc rose quickly thinking that something was wrong with Matt. Then seeing Kitty staring at the blood on her hands and clothing moved closer and gently grasped her arms. "Kitty, Kitty."
She looked up at him, tears forming in her eyes. "What if he dies, Doc? There was so much blood."
"We're just not gonna let that happen, Honey. I promise. You go upstairs. Wash up and put some clean clothes on. I'll stay right here, with Matt, until you get back. I won't take my eyes off him." He winked and nodded affirmatively. "I promise."
Kitty turned and slowly headed up the stairs. Buck saw Doc turn back to Matt, sigh and rub his mustache, shaking his head. Buck could see he was worried about keeping that first promise.
Kitty was soon back, the blood washed from her hands and a clean white blouse and dark blue skirt on. The blouse had a Victorian neck covering the bandage on her neck. Her hair was down and pulled back neatly. She had added the broach Matt had given her. She quickly hurried over to Doc who, true to his promise, was still standing guard over Matt's inert form.
Kitty conjured a smile for the old doctor, and Buck could see was working hard to stay calm and positive. "Doc, why don't you sit down and rest. Your back's got to be killing you. I'll get us both a cup of coffee and we can just sit here and rest a little bit?"
"That's a good idea, Kitty." Adding as he seated himself, "I am pretty tuckered out."
Buck watched as Kitty paused near Matt and gently ran her fingers through his unruly curls, then carefully smoothed them out before rearranging the sheet that covered his bare chest. "Doc, he's so still and pale. He looks almost like a ghost."
"Well, Kitty, he lost an awful lot of blood, just an awful lot. But he hung on through the surgery and we just have to keep it in our heads that he's gonna be fine. We just have to believe that."
"Yeah, Doc, that's what I keep telling myself, that he's gonna be fine." She then pulled herself straight, gently stroked Matt's bare shoulder and took a deep breath before moving to get the coffee she had promised Doc. Buck could hear her bustling around behind the bar before she finally returned with two cups of coffee, biscuits and butter, and joined the doctor at one of the tables.
Buck was thinking he was pretty hungry and thirsty himself, but he didn't want to draw their attention. He wasn't quite ready to be taken down to the stable. He couldn't help it if he was naturally curious, and he had to keep watch. Matt was, after all, his responsibility, and it was his fault he was here.
Kitty broke the silence. "You knew he was leaving, didn't you, Doc?"
"Yeah."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Kitty, I couldn't tell you. That was up to Matt. Besides, I kept hoping he'd change his mind, but he's so dadblamed stubborn. Once he makes up his mind… well, you might as well talk to a rock." Doc shook his head and sighed. Buck figured Doc was remembering some difficult conversations he'd recently had with Matt. "But, Kitty, honey, I can tell you this, Matt has his reasons, and to him, they're good reasons. I don't think he's right, but to him…well, he just didn't think he had a choice."
"Doc, after he got back from going after Bonner, he was different somehow. Not better or worse, just different. Best I could say is that he was sort of distant. I tried to get him to talk about it, but he wouldn't. You know how Matt is. Keeps things bottled up. Sometimes I think he's afraid if he starts talking about what's bothering him, he just won't be able to stop. He was around more than ever. Got so every time I turned around, I was tripping over him."
"Kitty, there's a lot of things Matt's got stuck in his head right now that are bothering him. And, on top of that, Matt's got rules he lives by, lines he lives inside. I don't understand them all the time, but I know they're real important to him. He's got definite ideas about what he should and shouldn't do. Maybe with a job like he's got, and all the killing and violence, he has to have those rules. You know he worries about crossing the line. That line's what he uses to distinguish himself from the gunmen, killers, and spoilers that he hates. Bonner almost pushed him over it. I don't know if he told you, but that's part of what's been bothering him. Not the biggest part, but part of it. He kind of lost himself for a while."
"He didn't tell me anything, Doc. I was so broken. Maybe he just didn't want to add to my pain. Maybe he didn't want to admit he'd been hurt. He's like that sometimes. Wants people to think nothing hurts him, that he doesn't have any feelings. Well, I know better Doc. He's got passion and feelings, and he hurts just like all of us. He just keeps those things hidden from most people."
"Kitty, I know that. That's all mostly about his badge and what he thinks a man ought to be. Then, when he comes up short of his own expectations, he takes that real hard. I've known Matt Dillon for even longer than you and he doesn't fool me one bit."
"I know, Doc. He underestimates what he means to his friends, to the town, and especially to me."
"Kitty, you remember that old woman, name of Amy that came to town. She walked in the Long Branch, pointed a gun at Matt and said she was gonna kill em. Damn fool just stood there and let her pull the trigger. Lucky for him the gun blew up in her hand or she probably would have killed him. Then he sat up all night in my office waiting to hear if she was going to be all right. Paid for her room and board over at Ma Smalley's while she recuperated too, but he didn't want me telling her where the money came from. Oh yeah, he's a real tough guy."
"I sure do remember that Doc. I was right there when it happened. It was real scary." A small smile graced Kitty's face easing tension lines that had taken residence there since Matt had been shot. "Matt always did have a soft spot for women. You know, Doc, I… I don't think I could have gotten past the things Bonner did to me without him. He was there for me. Of course, he's always been there when I really needed him. Maybe not for the Ford County Socials, but if I really needed him, he was there, like today." Kitty looked up and smiled at her curmudgeonly friend. "You know, Doc, you have some pretty tough rules you live by, too."
"Yeah, Kitty. Sometimes, being a doctor, you have to do things you don't want to do. That scar-faced fella. When Newly told me he was alive. Well, I just didn't want to even look at him. He was repulsive to me. I could hardly think of him as human. He died spewing hate. I'm ashamed, but I was glad I couldn't help him. I try to do what's right, Kitty, but a man thinks things sometimes that shame him. "
Doc paused and pulled himself up out of the chair and wandered over to check on Matt. Listened to his heart and breathing. "He's holding his own Kitty." He shook his head in near disbelief. Breathing's improving a little I think, heart's steady. Remarkable, really."
Buck had the feeling that, until that moment, Doc hadn't thought Matt had much of a chance at all.
Doc shuffled over to the bar and refilled his cup and then went back and joined Kitty. "But, Kitty, when I think how today could have turned out… what if I could have helped that scar-faced fella? What if he needed me, and Matt was there, bleeding out? What would the right thing be for me to have done? Or imagine if he'd killed Matt, but he was still alive? I'm a doctor and I would have been bound to help him. But I just don't know if I could have done that. I guess a man lives his life one day at a time and just does his best each day to be the man he wants to be, the man he thinks he is."
"Curly, I think you did everything just right today." For just a moment, Buck saw a look of complete desolation cross her face. "But, Doc, I just can't handle imagining if he'd killed Matt, and it's even worse when I think that it would have been because of me."
"I'm sorry, Kitty. I don't know what I was thinking saying something like that to you."
"That's all right, Doc. I know you had a real hard day. I kept thinking today, what if you hadn't been here. When I saw all that blood, I was awful scared, and then, when Matt stopped breathing, I just thought I was losing him. But there's just no sense wondering about what you might have done if things had been different. I just thank God things weren't worse than they were. And you're right, we each have to do our best to be the man… or woman, we want to be. Some days it's real hard."
Buck had been listening intently, and he couldn't help but wonder if Kitty and Doc were both remembering the day Bonner had come to town. Buck had heard all about how she had walked right down the stairs in the Long Branch and surrendered herself to evil, head held high, she had looked Jude Bonner in the eye and told him she was the lady he was looking for. It was the stuff of legends. Then when Bonner had laughed and said, 'I might have known I'd find the Marshal's lady in a sportin palace,' she'd slapped him. Buck couldn't imagine the courage it took for her to purposefully turn herself over to Bonner. Like his rider, Kitty had a lot of honor and courage. Honor had a high price, and she'd paid it.
"Dadblame it though, Kitty, things sure could have gone bad today, so many things. What if I'd been gone. Those men… well… when I walked in here this morning, I was on my way out to the Donaldson's place to check on little Billy and make sure his arm was healing ok. I was just stopping in here to check up on you. Make sure you were doing ok. I'd heard what happened with you and Matt." Folks been talking about it." He smiled and nodded his head. "I guess you gave it to him with both barrels."
"Well, Doc, I was real hurt and…"
Doc put his hand up, forestalling any further explanations. "Kitty you don't have to explain yourself to me. As far as I'm concerned he deserved everything you said. Matt came by last night to say goodbye." Doc paused and swiped at his eyes. "Told me he was riding out this morning and he mentioned you being real upset with him. He felt bad about how you found out he was leaving. He wanted to go by and see you, but he had an idea that it might be better if he just left. He thought you'd be safer with people thinking you hated him."
"Dammit, Doc. Sometimes I wish I did hate him. What does he wanna do, put me in a velvet-lined box for safe keeping? He can be a hard man to love, ya know."
"Yeah, he gets some crazy ideas in his head sometimes." Doc paused to shake his head and scrub at his face and mustache. "And he can be awful hard to reason with, but I don't know a better man to have around when the chips are down."
"Yeah Doc. I have to agree with ya on all counts." Kitty chuckled and then sighed. "He means a lot to me. You know that."
"You betcha, I know that Kitty." Doc gave her a half-wink, half-squint. "Don't you be telling him, but I've gotten kind of used to having him around myself."
Kitty gave Doc a special smile that she always saved just for him. "I'm afraid it's a little late to close the barn door on that secret, Curly."
Doc scoffed. "Anyways, like I was saying, when I saw those men, I was scared, well terrified, for you, and there wasn't a thing I could do to stop em. I figured Matt had already left town. And then Festus came barging in here shouting, 'Doc, Doc.' They could have killed him, Kitty. If that bullet had been a fraction of an inch to the left, or if his head hadn't been quite so hard, he would have been a dead man. Funny, how things work out though. The gunshot that took Festus down was probably what brought Matt."
"Yeah, I know, Doc. Both of them could have died this afternoon saving me from one of the ghosts from my past, a particularly evil ghost." Kitty looked despondently over at Matt's still form. "One of them still might."
To be continued-
