Hermione Granger and her long lost love
"Go on, for a laugh."
Hermione Granger stood stock still as two adolescent boys attempted to push and pull her in the direction of a rather suspicious looking shop.
"Oh go on Hermione, you never do anything fun," Ron said grabbing at her sleeve.
"Actually Ron I think confronting a three headed dog and damn near killing myself almost every year of my life spent at Hogwarts is gosh darn well exciting."
"Gosh darn?" Harry said sarcastically.
"Yes well, you're both getting on my errm… my errr… Boobies! So I had to become a bit of a potty mouth. I apologise." Hermione broke off to look at her now silent friends.
"Anyway!" said Ron looking rather pink and embarrassed, carefully avoiding looking at her boobies.
"Oh go on Hermione for a laugh, don't you want to know your future?"
"Actually now you've come to mention it… I don't!"
Harry started to giggle. Ron and Hermione stopped their conversation to look at Harry who was now into full blown hysteria.
"What is it?" asked Hermione looking at the pathetic crumpled heap on the floor that once stood face to face with Lord Voldemort.
Harry now had tears running down his face from laughing so hard.
"Snape…" another flood of giggles ensued.
"I just saw him coming out of Ann Summers." Harry's fists were smacking the pavement as he laughed louder.
"Ann Summers, that errrm muggle porn shop that we went into once?" Ron realised that he had just revealed a dark secret that he hoped no one had heard. They hadn't because Ron was born lucky. (Creepy wink from a heavily tanned man with perfect teeth).
Hermione had stormed off at this point; knowing about Snape and his preference of underwear was far too much for her to take in. Ann Summers. Eww. It was bad enough that she knew Professor McGonagall shopped there, the one time she went into her office unattended. There had been the bag with Ann Summers written on it and something suspiciously black, shiny and rather small poking out of it. Too small to sufficiently cover the wrinkled up prune that was Professor McGonagall. Hermione, caught up in the thought of what the teachers really wear under their cloaks absent-mindedly walked to the door of the suspicious looking shop.
The windows had blankets of deep purple, dark reds and black voiles hanging across them. A strong smell of incense wafted out through the door. A young couple came out muttering.
"We're all worrying about 'You know who' and they let people like that run a business, it's all corrupt I'm telling you."
The young couple walked away both now having a heated discussion on the differences between muggle politics and that of the Wizarding world.
A soft voice filled the doorway. Hermione was standing in the darkness of the heavily perfumed room.
"Come in, take a seat."
Hermione walked forwards, the voice was strangely familiar.
"Shit." Hermione had just kicked something rather large and hard, a muffled scream came out from the now bruised object.
"Excuse me can we put some lights on in here? I can't see a flipping thing."
The soft voice answered
"NO! Now take a God damn seat and stop kicking my apprentice."
Hermione was wondering if it was not too late to leave, then she felt herself drawn to the shiny object on the table.
"Shiny." Hermione sat down on a large squishy chair
"Do mind getting out of my lap? First you kick me, and then you sit on me. What have I ever done to you?"
"Oh sorry, it's just its very dark in here."
"I know. I have night vision goggles on." The apprentice snorted.
"Ok then." Hermione felt him walk past her and she caught a faint smell of…Fish?
"Now my child, take a seat." Hermione actually found a chair this time and sat down.
The voice was really familiar, where had she heard it before Hermione closed her eyes and listened to the voice…
"Miss Granger?"
Hermione snapped out of her daydream.
"Professor Trelawney."
The shape of Professor Trelawney stood in front of her, now it was all falling into place of course, that's why no one ever sees her around school other than in lessons it wasn't because J.K.Rowling just decided that she wanted a new teacher who had been there from the beginning in the third book, it was because she owned a fortune telling shop. Now it all made sense.
"Indeed," agreed Trelawney "but what I really want to know is what's a slut like you doing in a classy place like this?"
Hermione felt her mouth drop open. Did she just say what she thought she just said? Well two could play at this game.
"Avoiding you."
"Are we getting a bit of sass off the Hermione Granger, queen of the suck ups."
"So what if I am their queen I get more respect than you."
Trelawney's eyes flashed, respect was the one thing she craved more than sex on a stick. Trelawney lent forward across the table and put her face nose to nose with Hermione. There was silence which throbbed between them. Hermione felt herself drawn to Trelawney's lips. Trelawney's eyes gleamed at her.
"Can you feel it? There is some kind of sexual attraction. Can you feel it too?"
Passion coursed through their veins. Hermione broke the silence.
"Me. You. Handcuffs. Whipped cream. Any questions?"
There was a loud thump on the other side of the room. Doug the apprentice had fainted.
Hermione kissed Trelawney passionately, they breathed heavily, they moaned. They thrashed around the room like two dying fish on a very hot surface. The crystal ball fell to the floor, unnoticed. Trelawney reached her hand into her robes…
Ooo000ooo000ooO
12 hours later Hermione walked out of the shop, her robes on backwards, her hair sticky with whipped cream and the lingering smell of fish still on her clothes.
Ron and Harry were still laughing.
"Ann summers" Panted Harry
"Severus Snape!" completed Ron
They both laughed hard for a while, Hermione watched them whilst discreetly picking bits of dried cream out of her nose.
"Hey, Hey Harry," panted Ron red in the face with bits of snot dripping out of his nose, "If I give you a nickel will you tickle my pickle?"
There was a deathly silence. Harry stopped laughing. Hermione stopped picking her nose. They all stared at Ron.
ooo000ooo000ooo
Well that was mildly disgusting, I hope you all get great joy in reading this and please no one take any offence to Hermione swearing (Gosh darn.) If I offend anyone then I am gravely sorry. Please review and I will love you all forever!
