Hey guys!
I know it's hard to digest the things Quinn is going through and what she's doing to herself. I wanted to write a story that deals with the ugly side of coming out and what self hate can do to a person. Believe me, it's not easy to write or experience. BUT! You're also going to read about the meaning of friendship, family, love and overcoming your biggest fears.
I hope you'll hold on for the whole journey and I promise, happy times are on their way [one you'd enjoy very much is just around the corner]!
About Santana POV: For now, I won't write that [I don't want to say at all because I really don't know], but you'll understand her through the other characters and her actions.
The ending: Depend on whether I'll write a sequel [that I have a some plot for already] or not.
Remember: Everything happens for a reason ;)
Are you still here?
Quinn had been outside her house for the past two hours, well that wasn't completely true because she had driven back and forth from her house to here a couple of times. Could anyone blame her? Quinn was about to reveal her demons that took over her mind and she wasn't even close to being ready.
Her life made no sense whatsoever; she was crushing on her best friend that used to date the biggest man whore at school, but left him for her other best friend. She was supposed to date a jock, but instead found a great friend, although she wasn't sure what he felt. And if that wasn't enough, she hung out with the glee club and was about to spill her guts to the girl she used to enjoy making fun of and tortured.
Quinn was so scared and nervous that she was sure she'd puke any second. She knew it was the right thing to do and, deep inside, she knew hurting herself wasn't doing any good.
It was another battle for her; to expose the, disgusting, ugly human being she'd become or toughen up and act like a complete bitch until Rachel would drop it.
Quinn thought about the brown haired girl; there are people that when you look them in the eyes you know you can trust them and that they're honest and that's what she felt with Rachel. Rachel somehow made her feel safe even after everything that happened between them. It was the same thing that occurred with Sam; Quinn felt like she could breathe next to them, like she didn't need to pretend or check herself all the time. How was it possible with people she barely knew?
Quinn sighed heavily; she was exhausted, everything in his life was an inner conflict and complicated. She wanted to hold on to her popularity [mostly for protection], things came easy for her this way. But, as weird as it might sound, she wanted a small group of friends that she could relax with.
Even though she and the glee kids was supposed to be enemies, she had so much fun with them and they seemed to like her as well. Quinn felt like she belonged, like finally someone noticed her and not Quinn the head cheerleader. It was refreshing to be with people who didn't need alcohol or drugs to have fun. It was nice to be able to have a conversation and getting to know people without the music blasting.
Quinn closed her eyes in a weak attempt to calm down, but it made her focus on her heart beats. They were so hard and fast; she thought that maybe it was the real version of her trying to break free, but she couldn't let her, it would've destroyed her whole life.
Quinn was sick of it; those thoughts took over her life, they were the only thing she could think about and she hated it!
She walked out of her car and towards Rachel's house to tell her that she didn't need any help and that she'd be fine. Five minutes and then she could go to sleep, that's what was on her mind.
Half way there, Quinn turned around; she thought she could just send her a message, no need to take a risk by knocking the door.
She almost got away with it.
"Quinn? Is that you?" Quinn sighed; nothing worked as she wanted, she needed to get used to it.
"Were you planning to leave?" The Jewish girl sounded somewhat hurt.
"No, I just forgot something in my car." Quinn turned around and met with big brown eyes.
Rachel threw the garbage bag she held and walked towards her. "No, you didn't." She tilted her head, "I don't want you to do it just because you have to, I really want to help and.." Suddenly the confident girl hesitated.
"That's a first; since when Rachel Berry doesn't speak her mind?" It made Quinn a bit more nervous than she already was.
"What is it, Berry?" She turned her bitchiness on full force.
It probably worked, because the next thing she knew Rachel looked at her with some fear in her eyes.
"I.. Um.. It's just that.. It looks like you need a friend, a real one." Rachel stuttered like she had a gun pointing at her.
Quinn felt like someone had just punched her in her stomach and she hit a wall.
"How dare you?! You don't know anything about my life or about my friends!" Quinn was fuming. If she was honest with herself, she knew Rachel was dead right. "I knew it was a mistake, I'm out of here!"
Running away was easy to do, as well as pushing people away and ignore all of her problems. It's not like she didn't want intimate relationships with people, she actually was desperate for it, it's just that she couldn't let anyone get close.
In the time between turning to leave and Rachel grabbing her hand, Quinn felt the uncontrolled will to cut. She wanted to cut her flesh until all the pain went away.
"Don't run." That was all Rachel said and it prevented another one of those panic attacks. They were another thing she didn't get; since when did she had those?
One good thing that happened was that Rachel's parents weren't home; she was sure if they were she'd have gotten that panic attack.
They were on a sofa in Rachel's back yard, it wasn't too big, but well taken care of; there were flowers and a small vegetable garden.
Rachel brought them lemonade and they just sat in silence for a few minutes.
"What am I suppose to say? 'I'm in love with my best friend, but my family will disown me if they know and God sees it as abomination so I hurt myself in hope to get better. Oh, and my best friend is dating my other best friend and I can barely contain my anger when I see or even think about the two of them."
"I can almost hear the gears in your head spinning; maybe we should just get it over with before you'll faint." Rachel said in an attempt to light the mood.
Quinn's mouth was dry and she couldn't stop playing with her rings; she wasn't sure how to begin or from where or how much she was about to tell the other girl. Her heart pounded fast and her body was tense; every part of her body screamed at her to get the hell out of there.
"You don't have to say it all, just start with something." Rachel sat with her legs crossed in front of her and a tender smile on her lips.
She wanted so badly to let it all out; to yell that she was terrified of her strong feelings towards the Latina goddess and what could happen to her if her family found out and worst- what will God do to her when she'll reach his gates.
She was horrified when she thought about what would happen when she tell Rachel that she dreams about the same perfect girl every night and that cutting her body was like taking a drug; it calmed her down and, for a short time, made everything disappear.
How can you explain to a normal person that harming your own body is the only way to keep you from losing your sanity? That you love staring at your scars at every chance, move your finger along them.. How the only time you can catch a break is in those few moments; when blood is dripping from your skin and the area burns that even a small breeze hurts you.
Rachel's hand on her knee brought her back from her intense thinking, "Please, Quinn, just say something. I promise I won't judge or tell anyone, I just want to help you feel better." Her voice was desperate it brought tears to Quinn's eyes.
Quinn closed her eyes and took a long, deep breath. It was cooler as the sun set, the air caressed her body and somehow made her even more nervous.
"I can't." Quinn's voice so quiet she thought that maybe she didn't really said it out loud.
Rachel didn't say anything for a few seconds, but then came up with an idea. "What do you say about me asking you questions? You can answer only the ones you want."
"I guess we can try.." Quinn's left leg was trembling on the floor; she knew Rachel noticed and she was grateful that she didn't comment on it.
"Ok then.." The girl seemed to concentrate on finding the right thing to ask; she pursed her lips and wrinkles covered her forehead. Quinn find it a little funny how serious she was about one question.
"Rachel, it would take us hours. Just ask something already!" "Before I lose it and puke on you."
"I just want to make sure I've got the right one." She whined, but quickly continued, "For how long have you been doing this?"
Their eyes were fixed to each other, but it actually took off some of the pressure.
"Um I'd say a couple of weeks or so.." Quinn couldn't keep her hands from moving.
"Why did you start?" Rachel kept a soothing voice and a calmed face.
"I can't.."
Rachel saw the panic in Quinn's eye; scared that the girl would shut down again, she immediately asked another question.
"Did someone do something to you?"
"No."
"Are you in danger?"
"No."
Rachel was really smart and had great observation skills, Quinn knew it wouldn't take her too much time to figure things out. She couldn't let her get too close
"As I said, you don't have to say anything you're not comfortable with so I'll drop it until you're ready to tell me more yourself." That sentence caught the blonde in complete shock; Rachel always needed to know everything about everyone and she told her she would wait for her to tell? Her world kept going crazy by every passing day.
"When was the last time you did it?" For a second or two, Rachel's eyes wandered to Quinn thighs.
With a shaken voice she told her it was two days.
"Did it help?"
Quinn felt like Rachel was sincerely interested and really cared about her; that was the only reason she kept sitting there, opening her heart and making herself vulnerable .
"For a while, yeah." Rachel nodded for her to continue. Quinn lowered her eyes from fear of how the girl was going to react, "I don't know how to explain, but it gives you a feeling that nothing is wrong and you're safe and protected."
When Quinn looked back up all she saw were tears that Rachel tried so hard not to let fall down and a warm smile.
Quinn expected her to laugh or to be disgusted or ask her to leave.. She expected anything but what she saw in front of her. Just when she thought the girl couldn't surprised her anymore, she moved and with arms wide open took her in for the warmest hug she ever felt.
Rachel's arms were wrapped around her waist and her head rested on her shoulder; she didn't feel awkward and like she had to return it, but soon enough she did. Quinn's hands laid carefully around Rachel's neck and she closed her eyes when her head touched the other girl's shoulder.
It wasn't forced or sexual in any way, it was comforting, like the brunet wanted her to feel that she cared about her and was there.
Looking back, Quinn can easily say that this was the moment she knew Rachel Berry had a place in her heart forever. She didn't know her too well and it was their fifth conversation or something, but that hug connected them for life.
Quinn mumbled a thank you when they broke the hug.
There was a short silence; it wasn't awkward, more to give the girls time to understand what happened there.
Rachel was about to say something when she saw that Quinn's leg wasn't trembling anymore. She smiled and looked back to her eyes, "Can we try something?"
"Rach, it was just a hug." Quinn chuckled.
Rachel rolled her eyes and shook her head, "definitely not what I was about to say.." They giggled, "I just have an idea."
"Let's hear it." Quinn's body loosened up and she felt like she could breathe more freely.
"What if when you feel like you need to cut you'd call me? At any time, just give me a call and we can talk. We won't have to talk about the reason, yet, but I'll maybe help you get rid of the need.." Rachel scratched her cheek and bit her lip as she waited for Quinn's answer.
Quinn couldn't even thought this through because of the look Rachel gave her. "I need to learn how to resist this look! How all the girls in my life know exactly how to make me say yes even when I should really refuse?!"
"I'm not saying it's going to work, but let's try." Quinn smiled. Rachel jumped on her, clutching at her forearm and squeal from happiness. "Girl, calm down! I don't want to lose my arm because of a crazy Jewish girl."
Rachel frowned, but let go, "I'm just excited! I want to sing, let's sing together!"
"No, no way!" Quinn got up from the sofa.
"C'mon, Quinn! It'll be so much fun! Let's sing.." Rachel followed her.
"No singing, Rachel!" Quinn had a warning look, but her voice was soft.
"What happened to 'Rach'?" The brunet pouted.
"You don't deserve it when you're trying to force me to sing." Quinn giggled and then she burst out when she saw Rachel considering what was her best option.
"Shut up." She nudged her shoulder, "What do you say about dinner at 'Breadstix'?"
"Let's go, Rach!"
"You're the most stubborn person I've ever met." Quinn pretended to be annoyed, but had a smile on her face.
"Like it's new to you." Rachel nudged her softly, "I really think it'd be perfect."
They walked side by side from Quinn's car to the entrance of 'Breadstix'. When Rachel heard Quinn humming 'Marry me' with the radio in the car, she tried non stop to convince her to join the glee club; Quinn told her that she can't really sing and she can't because of the 'cheerios' and everything else that came into her mind, but Rachel insisted. She argued that, as the head cheerleader, she can make Sue agree somehow and that they need someone who can dance so they'd have a chance of winning. The girl did everything, but kneeling, to try to make Quinn say yes to her.
Quinn did like the idea of singing and dancing as a part of that big group and she already knew and liked them. She might have been innocent and troubled, but manipulative was a big part of her as well back then; she planned to tell her parents that it was a part of Sue's mission and that it could help her with the college registration forms. To Sue she said that her parents made her and it can be a scam for her advantage.
"Please, Quinn! We only have Mike to save us with the dancing, we need you to make it! Say yes!" Rachel kept begging when they entered the restaurant; tugging her sleeve and pouting.
"Fine, just stop! Jesus Christ, how does Finn put up with you?!" Quinn gently pushed her and smirked.
"He loves me and so will you, very soon!" She said casually as they sat in one of the booths.
"I doubt that." Quinn chuckled and earned a kick from Rachel. "Ouch! What was that for?!"
"Behave!" Rachel hadn't even removed her eyes from the menu.
"I'm not a dog, Rachel."
"Maybe not, but you need to have manners."
"Good evening ladies, are you ready to order?" The waiter said to them.
Quinn turned to look at him, but her eyes caught an unpleasant view; Santana and Puck were sitting close at the same side of the booth, it looked like they've been talking about something important. Whatever it was about, Quinn didn't think it justified them in each other personal space.
"Quinn!" Rachel, once again, brought her back from her thoughts.
"Sorry. I'll have the Alfredo, thank you."
Quinn brought back her attention to Rachel, but quickly interrupted.
"Well, hello. How nice it is to see you here." Quinn felt the smirk on her face before she even looked at her.
"Santana, Puck! You're here too? How nice." Rachel was enthusiastic, but Quinn lost her appetite. "Care to join us?"
"I think they're a little busy." Quinn glared at Santana. "Ouch! Really, Rach? Again?!" She looked angry at Rachel; yeah, she didn't know that because of that girl Quinn's life were in such a mess, however she must've felt the tension. Or was it just between them?
"The more the merrier." Rachel made room for Puck to sit after he brought his and Santana's plates.
"Thank you, my Jewish princess." Puck smirked at Rachel.
"You need to stop calling me that." She sent him a pretty scary look.
Meanwhile, Quinn stared at the table, discomfort was an understatement for what she felt. It was stupid of her to come to Santana's third favorite place on earth. She was caught up in the moment with Rachel and created a trap for herself. She felt the latinas' eyes on her and eventually she faced her; brown eyes full of sadness, anger and questions were looking right at her hazel ones, searching for clues she would never give.
"Sorry for ruining your date." Quinn said coldly.
Santana chuckled and rolled her eyes, "Should I say the same?" She raised her eyebrow and glanced at Rachel who was talking to Puck.
Quinn shook her head and returned her look to the simple drawing on the table.
"What are you doing here with her?" Santana sent her a challenging look.
When Quinn didn't answer, Santana clutched her right hand, the one that was on the sofa and hissed "You pushed me away when I tried to help, you ignored my texts when I only asked about your health and now you don't even look at me. What's going on? I was worried sick about you."
Quinn tensed up and gritted her teeth. She took a step forward that day, but running into her and that situation felt like 10 steps back.
"What are you doing here with her? What the fuck is happening?!"
Santana was stronger than her, therefore she couldn't have gotten her hand free. Moreover, Quinn was trapped; Santana blocked her way out from the booth and Puck and Rachel were right in front of them, chatting like nothing happened.
"Rachel and I are friends and we came here to eat dinner." Quinn hissed back at her, "We agreed to some time apart, why are you acting crazy?!"
"I'm acting crazy?! I was worried something happened to you, I wanted to help and here you are having fun and shit." Santana was upset, but her hold on Quinn's hand was soft. "It was supposed to be a time to heal our friendship, not for you to replace me. Us." She corrected herself.
"So I was supposed to sit in my room until I come to the conclusion that I can't live without you and everything return to normal?! I'm not sure I want to be around you after tonight." Words just came out of her mouth without her thinking them though. She felt the cold air hit her warm hand.
"What?" Santana Lopez stuttered.
"Don't you need to be somewhere else? Not with Puck but with your other best friend perhaps?" Quinn whispered even quieter.
"I'm not cheating." she murmured.
"I'm not the one needing convincing."
"It doesn't sound like that.." Santana was getting really annoyed, but kept her voice down.
"What?" Quinn arched an eyebrow, but nervousness filled her body.
"Forget it." Santana ran her hand in her hair.
"If you have something to say just do it." Not knowing and coming up with answers would've been much worst than Santana actually telling her what she meant.
"Do you have a problem with me being here with Puck?" Again, those eyes were on her.
"I can ask the same thing."
"Girls, is everything ok?" Rachel looked curious, Puck on the other hand gave Santana a warning look.
"Just peachy." Santana rolled her eyes.
The four teenagers ate their dinner with some tension and question floating in their heads. Rachel and Puck kept the conversation going and saved the girls from even more awkwardness than necessary. Quinn felt that the girl next to her was agitated, sometimes she glanced at her all of her feelings on her face. It was unusual for Santana to show them like that and it made Quinn uncomfortable and unsafe.
"I'm sick, like sick without a cure; we're in some sort of fight or whatever and I can't shake the thought of how beautiful she looks. That little frown she has because things aren't going her way, her eyes clearly focusing on random things because her mind is too busy analyzing what's going on and she's trying so hard to occupy her mouth so she won't say things that she shouldn't. Why do I lo.."
"Do you mind?" She tried to sound angry, but it came out kind soft.
Busted!
"Sorry."
When they finally left the restaurant Quinn breathed normally. Before she got into her car she had to take one last look to where the other two went; she saw Puck grab Santana's forearm and it looked like they were arguing.
The music in her car and Rachel's voice interrupted her. She told herself she didn't care and got Rachel home.
After a hot shower, Quinn decided to go on the internet for a little while. Her parents were asleep and her sister was on the phone with her recent boyfriend, which meant that she had a quiet night.
With her headphones on, blasting PATD's recent record, Quinn scrolled down on 9gag. Just when the thoughts of Santana came crawling, Quinn got a message on Facebook.
Sam Evens: "Yo, Q!"
Quinn Fabray: "Yo?! Did you fall and hit your head?"
Sam Evens: "XDD JK."
"What's up?"
Quinn Fabray: "Just chilling.. What about you? How was it with Mike and Finn?"
Sam Evens: "Mike helped us with some moves and then I kicked their asses at COD."
Quinn Fabray: "Psh Sam the man! XDD"
Sam Evens: "That's right!"
"So are the rumors of you joining us are true?"
Quinn Fabray: "Berry had announced that already? I said I'll check it out."
Sam Evens: "You know Rachel, she probably has you all set in the numbers already ;)"
Quinn Fabray: "Oh no! I'm doomed! Is there a way out?"
Sam Evens: "Once you say yes to Rachel and join the club, there is no way. Your in glee for LIFE! -Evil laugh-"
Quinn Fabray: "LOL You're such a nerd!"
Sam Evens: "That's how you call the person who saved your life today? Not nice!"
Quinn Fabray: "I'm sorry, I'm forever grateful for the brave act you did!"
"And by brave I mean taking me to the nurse and almost fainting"
Sam Evens: "You think you're so funny.. XD"
Quinn Fabray: "Careful Mr. Evens :P"
"Well I'm off to sleep, I'll see you tomorrow. Good night."
Sam Evens: "Good night, sweet dreams."
Quinn turned off her computer, brushed her teeth and went to bed. She fell asleep fast, but jolted up when her dream was too much; she was on the stage at her school and it was full of people, she stood there with the glee club behind her and suddenly Santana came up, wrapped her hands around her shoulder and kissed her. She didn't want to wake up, it was good and felt so right. But reality hit her hard; she was in her bed, alone and scared. Her heart wanted Santana so much it hurt and her mind kept telling her that she was sick or possessed or confused.. Anything but normal.
She couldn't close her eyes because the images flicked in her mind, but when she was awake she couldn't stop thinking how real it felt and about all of the things that happened lately and every single word she spoken. Regret . She regretted everything.
Tears fell down from her eyes to her chin and to the floor as she walked to her bathroom.
Quinn had her blade on one side of the sink and her phone on another. She knew she'd promised to call Rachel, but it was too hard to actually deliver; what was she supposed to say? She couldn't tell her the truth and she was too scared to even admit to having the need.
It was 2:17 am and Quinn didn't want to wake up Rachel, "it's stupid, I only need a small relief, then I'll be able to sleep.. I don't need to wake her for that."
But something stopped her and for a split second she had the courage to make the call.
After five rings and a second away from Quinn hanging up, Rachel answered in a raspy voice, "Hello, you reached Rachel Barbra Berry."
Quinn giggled, "Even when you sleep? That's weird, Rach."
"Quinn?!" She heard muffled sounds and Rachel's voice once again, "What's going on?"
Quinn didn't think it through and the line went silent. Open up, trust people, admit things weren't things Quinn could've done, it terrified her and made her heart race. She wanted to cut and make it all go away, to not feel at all.
"Hey, everything will be ok. Just tell me if you cut or not." Rachel managed to be focused and sensitive, even though she was just being woken up.
"No." Quinn's mouth was dry and her hands were shaking.
"Good. You want to tell me what caused the need?" Rachel was careful and sweet, but Quinn couldn't say those words.
Quinn whispered a simple 'no' and played with the blade.
"I don't want you to hurt yourself." Rachel breathed heavily, "I know you want to push whatever this is aside or make it disappeared, but it won't. You'll feel good for now, but the pain will wait for you around the corner. You are a beautiful and amazing person, you don't need to ruin your skin. Nothing and no one is worth hurting yourself for."
"I can't.. I need it." Quinn's voice was broken; she hated to be so weak in front of someone, but it was too hard to keep it inside.
"I understand, but it'll only build up over time and some day, tomorrow, in the next two years or fifty, and you'll have to face it. It's already taking a toll, you need to stop letting it control you; listen to music, scream into a pillow or talk to me all night..Just don't feed it."
"What if it's the only way?" Quinn was on the floor, with her legs against her chest, and snivelled.
"It's the only way to self destruct and you need to get better. You're a strong girl, I'm sure you can deal with it. And you have friends who support you, even if they don't know the whole story."
Quinn felt disgusting, she wanted to hang up and somehow erase that conversation. She knew and wanted to get better and be normal, but being exposed was frightening.
"I know it's difficult, but you already ahead of where you were yesterday morning! I promise you things are going to be just fine. You need to take care of your body and we can work together on the other thing." If Quinn's mind was clear she would've detected that Rachel's words held more than a simple encouragement.
After another half an hour, Rachel succeeded to vanish the urge off of Quinn's mind and make the blond stop crying. The girls were tired and said good night. Before Quinn closed her eyes she got a text from Rachel, asking her if she was really fine. When she told her to go back to dreamland, Quinn closed her eyes and slept peacefully through the rest of the night.
Quinn was both excited and nervous, it was her first day in the glee club. She sat between Rachel and Sam and talked to Mercedes behind her.
Everyone was happy that she joined, especially Mike, he needed another person who knew how to dace and choreograph. She was in her uniform, but no one seemed to care.
Mr. Shue came in with his huge grin and cheerful attitude, he spotted her right away and his smile grew even more.
"Hey, Guys!" He stood in front of them, "Quinn, I'm happy to see you joined our family and I know that with your talent our chances got much better."
Quinn blushed and said thank you. Finally something went right in her life; the glee club was sort of a fresh start, a safe place.
"Let's get to it, this week we're going country.."
"Mr. Shue, it's not polite to welcome only one of the new members. Don't we deserve some kind words as well?" Santana stood at the door with a big smirk and a smug face.
Everyone's was in shock when Santana, Brittany and Puck took a seat.
After a few seconds Mr. Shue spoke, "Wow what a great day! I hope you guys are serious because, with you, this group is going to be fantastic! Welcome!" He was the only one who was pleased with them for joining.
But only Quinn was shaken in her chair; she knew they didn't come there to sing or dance, she saw Santana's satisfied look.
She had celebrated too fast. Her safe place had become a war zone and she was already close to giving up.
I'm going to speed things up a little because I want to get to a certain point, so tell me if I need to pour some light on something.
Thank you SO, SO much for every single alert, favorite and review. I appreciate it :)
My beta's Tumblr: shesjustagirlxo.
