The Same
Tobias's POV
When I wake up, Tris's body is curled against my own. My arm is draped along the arch of her back, and her head is nuzzled against my side. I brush a strand of hair softly from her face. She looks so peaceful, so serene.
For a moment, I feel as she looks. That's the beautiful thing about waking up. For one blissful second, one moment of ecstasy, you forget the demons that plague you. Whether its small demons, or monsters of preposterous size, for one moment, you forget it all, and everything inside of you is at peace.
But moments so perfect are always, always, interrupted by reality.
My memories of the night before come flooding back, starting with the fire and moving backwards to my proposal. I feel as if a hand is pressing against the back of my chest, making my heart feel tight, as I remember what Tris said. She said no. She really did, and despite the fact that I can feel her stomach move against my side with her every breath, I know that things aren't okay between us.
Then, like being thrown against a brick wall, I remember seeing my father. The way he looked stepping towards the alley, how if he had taken just one more step, he would have seen us. How I know, without a shadow of doubt, that my father started the fire.
With that thought, I carefully pick my arm up off of Tris. I gently slide out of bed, tucking the covers back in around her. I dress quickly and quietly, not wanting to wake her when she looks so serene.
It's a Sunday, and most of the city is still asleep as I step onto the street, but there's still a small hum in the air as people begin to wake up and start their days. The sun is just above the horizon, and in the distance, I can still see a thin line of smoke from the general area of the Erudite headquarters. The air is just a bit too cold, the kind of early morning chill that will wear off as the day goes on, but for the time being will remain as an annoying remainder that winter hasn't quiet left yet.
I make it to my destination, the Abnegation sector, quickly. The Abnegation houses were filled the fastest after the gates were opened, mostly because they're the only livable houses in the city. All the other factions used apartments, not housing.
The Abnegation streets used to be bland and boring, just row after row of concrete blocks and little black mailboxes, but now the sector is entirely transformed into an inviting place, one that beckons mothers and fathers and little children, begging them to come and plant flowers and ride bicycles. Some of the houses are even painted, cheery yellows to match the light blue flowers in the front yards. There is already a mother pushing a robbing egg blue stroller down the street, nodding and smiling at me as we pass each other. It is all so normal looking, so fitted, as if war never even touched this little part of the city.
There is only one house in the entire sector with no flowers, no signs of inhabitance. It is the same concrete block from before the war, the exact same as when the Abnegation lived here. It's my old house.
I know that Marcus lives here. I looked him up a couple months ago, not because I had plans to find him, but simply because I wanted to know if he was still in the city.
I knock on the door, taking deep breathes to lower my blood pressure. I can hear him move around in the house, and it instantly makes me angry. His existence makes me angry.
The door opens a couple inches, just enough for me to see Marcus's eyes staring at me from behind the door. He looks the exact same as before, which, for some reason, annoys me too. Everything else has changed, yet he seems to be the exact same.
"Tobias," he says, his voice placid. He pulls the door open just a bit more. I stiffen even further, seeing his black jacket hanging on a hook just inside the door. This is why I'm here. I'm here because he burned the Erudite headquarters. Not because I hate him, though I do, but because I want this city to survive. I want it to survive for Tris, who gave up so much so that it could. He will not ruin this, and I need him to know that. I am overwhelmed with such hatred for him, such a strong emotion that I can't keep inside of me. I need him know.
I slam my palm against the door, opening it all the way. I push it closed behind me as I step into the dark house, grabbing a fistful of Marcus's grey collar and slamming him against the foyer wall. He looks scared for a second, a sliver of fear in his eyes as he glances down at the muscles in my arms. He should be scared. I'm not a child anymore, and I'm not scared of him.
"You." I snarl, feeling the muscles in my arms grow even tighter.
The fear in his eyes is fleeting, and he instantly narrows his eyes. "That's not any way to greet your father." He says, his voice as cold as ice.
"Good thing you aren't my father." I hiss, pushing him farther against the wall.
"Have we not done this already? Have we not already covered the hatred between us?" Marcus asks. His voice is tighter, not because of his doing, but because my knuckles are pressing against his throat, making it difficult for him to speak.
"Oh yes, I've told you how much I despise you." I say, not letting my grip up even the slightest bit. This little bit of pain for him is nothing compared to what I've dealt with. "But I'm not here for myself this time." I hiss. The last time I hurt Marcus was in front of the other Dauntless, after the truth serum. I did it to prove that I wasn't a coward. I'm not here for myself this time; I'm here because of the pain in Tris's eyes last night when she looked at the fire, because I never want to see her like that again.
He glares at me, pressing his body against mine in a futile attempt to get away from my grasp. I let go, taking a step back. I don't want to be as cruel as he was, to hold on much longer than necessary. Marcus instantly loosens, and then stiffens again. He stands with his hands in fists at his side, but makes no move towards me. "What did I do this time?" He asks, his voice tired and exasperated.
"Does a fire ring any bells? The Erudite compound?" I ask. Sarcasm drips from my every syllable.
"Why, no. Not at all." Marcus cocks his head at me, and it takes every ounce of my strength to not kill him, right here, right now. His voice is so obviously feigning ignorance, so clearly lying. It's disgusting.
"Things will be a lot easier if we both agree to stop lying." I say, holding back to keep from yelling.
"Who says I'm lying?" Marcus asks.
"Don't play games with me, Marcus." I warn forcefully, taking a step forward. He slinks back against he wall.
"You can't prove anything." He says. His voice is defiant, bratty. It's disgusting, once again sending a sharp wave of hatred through my body.
He smirks again, and it pushes me over the edge. I pull my fist back and slam it against his face.
He falls to the ground, and blood instantly begins to stream out of his nose. He looks up at me in disbelieve, struggling to get up off the ground. I don't allow him up further than a couple of inches before I press my boot against his collarbone, forcing him back down. I don't hesitate to press hard, to force the breath out of him. He stares up at me, his eyes bulging out of their socket, and once again fear flickers in his eyes.
"You listen to me, and you listen closely" I command, leaning down and glaring at him. "I may not have evidence right now, but I'm going to get evidence. Because I know that you started that fire, and I'm fucking sick of you being around." I hiss. "You have committed crime after crime, but somehow you're still here. And I'm sick of that!" I growl, pressing my foot even farther into his chest. "Unlike you, I have people I love, and love me, and you don't deserve the chance to ruin the lives that we have." I continue. "So if you have any doubt in your mind that you're going to get away with this, let it go now. Because you aren't getting away this time." I finish and pick my foot up off his chest.
He takes pitiful gulps of air and lets out a choked sound, which fails to bring any empathy out of me. He doesn't deserve any emotion but hate. I pull open the door and step out halfway before I turn back around to look at him. He glares up at me, still gasping for air.
"I know that you think that you're better, but we aren't any different." He says, his voice breathy and weak. "You don't see it, but I do. We're the same."
I don't turn around to look at him, because I can't bear the truth of his words. Instead, I close the door behind me and walk away. I make it through the entire Abnegation sector, and just into the old Factionless sector, before all my tenacity breaks.
I take a turn into a crumbling building and sink against the wall just inside the doorway. All the glass of the windows is broken on the ground, and most of the ceiling is missing, letting light stream into the shell of a building.
Tears begin to stream silently down my face as Marcus's words echo through my head. We're the same. We're the same. We're the same.
I can't let his words go, because some part of me believes him. Honestly, how are we different? How is me using my physical strength over him today any different than what he used to do to me? And how do I know that one day I won't turn into him completely? That I won't let power get to my head? That I won't corrupt like him? And if I do become like him, how could I stop it? I don't want to hurt Tris. But if I'm the same as him, how could I not?
When I stood over him, when I saw the glimmer of fear in his eyes, I felt powerful. So powerful, as if I could just break him. Easily, too. If I had just pressed a bit harder, than he would be dead. I have that power within me. And I don't like it, because, deep down, in a sickening, disgusting way, having all that power made me feel good. Because deep down, I understand why Marcus did all the things that he did.
I know that my father is a sickening person. And I know what he has done, and what he may do in the future. I know my father, and I know that I am not him, and that I don't want to be him. But I'm still scared. Because deep down, somewhere far within me, I really am just like him.
A/N Theo James thinks that you should review, because I'm insanely bored and on break!
dftba- ella
