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Three days pass slowly and painfully. I wince with each tick of the clock, each vision- the future does not change. I may not be able to comfort Bella, but I am there with her, at her side.
Screams pierce the air, loud and clear, burning with the sound.
"Shh…" he comforts. But he is not soothing to her- his gentleness isn't what she needs. She loves him, yes, but not the only way that can get through this pain. He's as good as her father, yes, but that can't stop the fact that her agony burns through her veins, sets her on fire.
"Sorry, Carlisle," she gasps. "I'm trying."
"You're doing well. Edward-"
And then the bravery disappears. At the sound of his name, her screams grow louder than they ever were before, fiery and painful, unforgettable in the ferocity of their agony.
"I'm sorry, Bella. But it was… the only way."
"Don't be sorry. This is what I wanted, Carlisle, all along- now I can chase him forever. Maybe in a thousand years I can be…" she chokes on her on breath, her monologue freezing as she stiffens, spasms, as her limbs shake and sweat drips down her face. The transformation is strong for a brief while, bad enough that she can't talk. Then the moment of doubled pain stops. "I can be good enough."
"You are, Bella. You are."
"Then why did he leave me?" she accuses. It hangs in the air, a question he can't answer. Not because he doesn't know, but because this isn't his place, his purpose, his job. He's a doctor and a father, mature, experienced- but he isn't her love. And only the one she loves can ask recompense for his own terrible failure.
"Bella, it's not my… I can't tell you that."
"Because you don't want me to hear the truth. Well I know it. I know it, I know it more than I know anything else in this world, it's the truth, it's simple fact… he doesn't love me."
The blonde, kind man gasps. "Bella…"
"I can shout it to the skies. It doesn't hurt any worse than just knowing it. He doesn't love me!"
"Quiet!"
"Why? I'm just sharing a fact with the nice people. I'm sure they'll be grateful to know the facts. He DOESN'T LOVE ME!" she hollers, louder than any of her screams.
Your father embraces his child, gently smoothing her hair. "Bella, be quiet, please."
"He… he doesn't… he doesn't love… me…" she sobs. The man comforts her.
"He does."
"NO! HE DOESN'T!" And she's screaming again.
Shockingly, your father puts a hand over her mouth, forcing her silent. It is so very unlike him to be violent, ever, at all. You gasp aloud, watching. "Yes, he does."
Her tears grow louder, hysterical. His eyes are filled with guilt at what he's done to make her quiet. "I'm sorry, Bella…"
But he isn't. That much the man has to agree with, that no matter how much she is ignorant of his no-matter-how-genuine love, he doesn't regret causing this pain.
He still thinks he did right. The fool…
Edward is dead. I am going to kill him… very… very… very slowly!
"She's awake…" says the man, into the cell phone. You can almost make out the other end of the conversation.
"She is? Is she all right?"
"I wouldn't go that far."
"What's wrong?"
A heavy sigh- "Isn't it obvious?"…
"Alice?" Jasper usually doesn't interrupt when I'm Seeing, but sometimes he can see the troubled expression. Akin to the time, just a few months ago, when I saw a strange girl suffering horrible, horrible things (the memory still makes me shudder) Jasper knew me well enough to see the fear and horror on my face and wake me. His power comes in handy.
I suppose he saw the intensity and sorrow in my vision. "Bella's one of us now. Come on, please. We have to go."
He can be around her now, since she no longer smells sweet, will no longer be such an exquisite temptation to him. She is safe- and immortal. She can be with Edward forever.
Of course, there's still the problem of the emotional climate, but I hope that can be ignored enough so that we can go back. "Jazz… you're okay to go, right? I know it'll be hard."
He laughs. "Darling, I can handle it… for you. Anything for you."
"I know." I flounce, teasing, and he laughs.
"How I love you." He kisses my forehead, takes my hand, "Let's go, my love."
We walk out of the room we've rented…
"No, Carlisle. Not to me, at least."
The boy is intentionally ignoring it, you can see that clearly. He doesn't want to admit to himself his own failure.
"She is physically completely healthy, like every vampire ever."
"Good," he says, and you hear such groundless relief in his voice. Doesn't he see? How can he not comprehend that a broken heart cannot be healed with a little bit of venom?
"I didn't say she was doing well," your father corrects, and you approve, wholeheartedly, of the sternness in his voice. It is a reprimand that is deserved- and yet his recipient doesn't seem to comprehend.
"What do you mean?" he says, and there's no accusation, only bewilderment, in his voice.
"I mean that she hasn't forgotten. The only time she screamed…"
He claps his hands over his ears. "Don't."
Though it is the primary trait in his character, the blonde man shows no mercy. "You need to hear this, Edward. The only time she screamed during the transformation was when she was thinking about you… and… and she kept saying, over and over and over, 'he doesn't love me,' so loud that I had to hold her down to keep her from shouting so everyone could hear."
Your brother winces. "I really hurt her."
And you nod, in satisfaction. He understands. Thank God…
I cling to Jasper's hand on our way there. The run is brief- it takes some time for me to synchronize my step with Jazz's, given the difference in our heights, but we manage, after so much time together.
The sound of our supernatural footsteps in time is soothing, and I need it desperately. Because I know, I know, the far-from-peaceful noises made by the second most important person in my life.
"AHHH!" The scream comes and then… silence. Nothing pierces the peace of the air. Bella is finally quiet, finally at rest.
I barge in the door. "Hello, all," I chirp. Bella looks up at me.
"Hi, Alice," she whispers, and I gasp.
I've never seen anyone more beautiful in my whole entire life. Not even Rose compares to this, my newly remade sister. The red glints in her hair. Her eyes, always large, are even bigger now, a bright crimson, the color of blood…
Thirst, consuming, burning… "I need him. I need his blood, Alice, please!" she begs you, her eyes widening.
"La tua cantante…" you hiss under your breath, watching her eyes follow the man as you keep her pinned down. Emmett has her arms, you have her legs. Edward is nowhere to be found, and that worries the watching-part, the bit of your consciousness that knows what's going on, that this is a vision.
Where is he? He should be here with you.
Experimentally you say, "What would Edward think?"
She snarls. "Don't be cruel, Alice."
Emmett glowers at you. Bella continues to hiss. "Damn, Alice, that's mean. Don't ya know it hurts her when you talk about our idiot brother?"
"What… I'm sorry…"
"Edward..." Bella whispers, and pushes past you to lunge for the blood…
"You look lovely," I manage.
She stands, slowly, trying out her new body as she waddles towards me. It is hard, but she manages the few steps and them embraces me. "Alice," she breathes. "God, I missed you."
"When I was a human," I say, "they locked me up for the visions. I looked up my past, while you were in that place. My parents told everyone I'd died. They gave me shock treatments…"
"Why are you telling me this?"
"I just thought you should know," I said. In fact, I was testing her- did she remember, did she know her own life? "It's the news I have to share."
"Alice, where's Edward?" she asks.
"On his way, I'm sure… hang on." I close my eyes and…
Hurtling towards us, a blur of white and red-brown and ferocious beauty like a lion hunting, his limbs long and rushing, impossible to see with the speed of his movements… "Hang on, love. I'm almost there," he whispers, and runs faster, runs to meet her, runs to beg her forgiveness…
"Yeah. On his way."
"Alice… what happened… I don't… I don't… remember."
"What's the last thing you remember?" I ask.
"I remember… when Edward…" and she started to sob. "I remember when he left."
Damn. That totally… the whole point of this was so she wouldn't remember, so that this couldn't hurt her, so that she'd be safe and happy and…
"He doesn't love me, Alice," she said, shaking her head. "He doesn't love me. I don't know how I'm going to survive the rest of eternity knowing this like I do, that he doesn't love me."
"Bella, you asked to be changed. You aren't… Edward… Edward loves you, Bella. He left because he didn't want to hurt you."
"That's incredibly stupid," she whispered. "Can't you come up with a better lie than that?"
"Truth, Isabella Swan, is stranger than fiction."
Bella sighs and puts her radiant head in her hands. "Alice, I can't believe that. I can't believe he would love me…" I can see the pain on her face, the tears she can no longer shed. It isn't debilitating any longer, the agony. No, now it's merely torture, merely a sharp harsh pain that doesn't quite obliterate all else but still torments her with aching hateful hurt.
"Bella, I'm so sorry. I never should have left. Edward told us not to go looking for you, but I can't believe I listened to him."
"Why did you?"
"You're… his mate, Bella. For real, now that you're a vampire. Forever. You're meant to be together. If Jazz left me, it wouldn't be, say, Carlisle's place to stay with me. Or go with him. It's not… we have family loyalties, but our strongest loyalty is to our partner. The center of my existence is Jasper. The center of Edward's existence is…"
"No."
"What?" I am perplexed by that one little word, that simple denial.
"Don't lie to me. I can't stand it. He lied to me, again and again, every time he said I was beautiful, and that he wanted me, and that he wished he could be with me forever…"
"Those weren't lies, Bella."
"No," she whispers. "NO."
"He loves you more than life itself…"
"No, Alice. Just… don't, please."
I bow my head in silence. "All right. I won't. But when he gets here, he will…"
"Thank you," she says…
He stops running. His frantic pace slows to a walk, but it is a fast one. His footfalls dash against the ground, his eyes wide, full of anticipation. He holds his jaw tense, full of fury.
He will not grow mad, no matter what has happened to her. It will not be easy, seeing her like this… soulless, cold, empty.
Just like him.
It will not be easy, because he'll have to admit two things.
First, he will have to release the stubborn belief in his own damnedness. He will have to let go, to admit that there is a chance he can go to heaven too, or believe his angel is damned, and you are certain that he will not be able to stand that thought. He will thus have to restructure his own stubborn beliefs.
And in doing that, he has only one choice. He has to face what he did to her.
She was already damned, doomed, trapped in a body with no soul. He took that soul from her when he left, reduced her to nothing, and he will have to face it.
He broke her heart in so many ways, and he has yet to admit it to himself. He still thinks he did the right thing.
When he sees her, and knows she had to be changed, he will have to admit he did not.
He walks up the steps. The doorbell rings…
I smile. "Well, you don't have to wait very long to discuss it. Edward's here!"
She freezes as the doorbell rings.
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