I told you I was having withdrawals, lol. I'll be amazed but super happy if I can manage to keep this rate up, but following with each line of the sonnet that this fic was named after, I still have fifteen chapters to go. Enjoy and please leave me comments so I know you're still interested in this after all these years!

It was a feat that I'd gotten any sleep the night after my visit with Eli. I wasn't proud, but most of the late night was spent biting back tears that ultimately broke through. They were tears for me, tears for Eli. They weren't tears for us as an entity like they would have been some months ago, instead tears of guilt and empathy. I cried for his bedroom and each speck of dust. I cried for his vacant eyes. I cried for the trophy that stared him in the face each night, reminding him that his progress had stilled to a halt. Most of all I cried for knowing how hollow he must feel now, thinking my pride in him has diminished. It was the tears that eventually rocked me to sleep and left me exhausted in the morning. Jake had the same disapproving look on his face as I approached the staircase, but I didn't get a smart comment this time. Probably the only mercy I'd be getting today.

After another silent ride, I made it through my classes in a haze, keeping mum to Eli even as I felt his eyes on me the whole hour. He appeared calm today, and I was willing to engage him if the project was brought up, but as the class time wound down, I needed a new tactic. Digging down, I decided to offer up an apology in case he was still heated about my misconstrued comments the night before. My time was about up as the shrill bell sounded, but Eli didn't race from the room today, and I took it as a sign to make my plea.

"Eli," I called, and he turned towards me, a neutral air on his face. "Do you have a minute?"

"And a half," he droned, glancing quickly to the clock.

"Right," I fake-laughed. "Um, listen... I just wanted to... clarify some things that were maybe... misunderstood yesterday. I didn't mean to upset or insult you. I was just being nosy, I suppose. I'm really sorry if what I said about your... y'know, about your room? I'm sorry if that hurt you. Truly."

He nodded stiffly, not quite a reaction I was expecting. "Okay, thanks."

A moment passed and he didn't continue, still locked on my face. "Okay?"

"Okay," he repeated. "Is that all you needed?"

"I guess so," I answered, perplexed by the direction of the fairly one sided conversation. He turned to walk away, but I needed more. "Hey, wait, aren't you going to say anything else?"

"I accept your apology," he added, his lips tightening to a thin and very phony smile. It was startling how familiar this ruse seemed to me, and I couldn't let it go without some digging.

"Did it upset you?"

He shrugged again. "It's in the past, right? I'm not upset anymore." His tone was uncomfortable calm, his eyes cloudy emeralds. No, this wasn't right at all. I knew enough about his disorder to know that this just wasn't normal.

"Eli, why are you acting so weird right now? You're laggy or something."

"Meds," he excused simply.

"But you take those everyday, don't you? And the only time I've ever seen you like this is when they were adjusting your dosage."

"Which they had to do again."

"What? Why? When?" I knew I wasn't exactly entitled to these answers, but I was certainly curious enough, and up until this point, Eli had been willing to squelch that curiosity. This time he hesitated.

"Yesterday."

"Yesterday?" I echoed, my eyes narrowing as more confusion piled on. "But I was at your house yesterday, you weren't like this then either."

He sighed softly, but I could swear it was really a groan. "After you left. I had a doctor's appointment." His eyes were blank, but he was starting to get antsy. Maybe that drove my line of questioning further.

"I thought that's why you missed school! You said you were at the doctor's that afternoon. You told me that when I came over. That night."

"I had another appointment!" Suddenly his body rose to life and he hissed, tossing his hands from his sides. "Damn it, you were off Eli healthcare duty a long time ago, Clare."

With that final sentiment, he breezed past me down the hall, his feet shuffling his quickly into a classroom at the end. Shock flooded my veins, and I slid down a bank of lockers to avoid the tardy rush of students. I jumped upon hearing a lone locker being shut, not expecting anyone else to be in the halls this late, but rounding the bank, I saw that it was Adam and was suddenly thankful.

"Adam!" I whispered, relieved that I may be able to get some real answers. "I need you to be honest with me, can you do that?"

"I don't know if your skirt matches those shoes, Clare, I can't make a decision just because you corner me."

I had to smile at that, and I couldn't mentally thank Adam more for consistently being that comedic relief I always needed.

"Not that," I breathed, laughing quietly. "It's about Eli." His own smile faltered. I knew he was against playing middleman, and he'd done a good job of staying out of the drama while staying close to Eli and myself, respectively, but this needed to be done. "And before you argue, it's for his own good." I raised a finger as soon as his mouth popped open. "And before you say that it's more for my own good, something is seriously off with him, and his upped dosage can confirm that." With that, Adam didn't have much of a leg to stand on.

"I can't really tell you anything," he muttered, digging the toe of his sneaker into the floor.

"Adam, please."

"No, I mean... I can't tell you anything because I don't know anything. I know he's been acting weird, but he's a weird dude. He doesn't talk about his problems, if you haven't noticed."

I nodded, reluctantly accepting that I wouldn't be able to get any new intel, even out of Eli's best friend.

"I've noticed," I said with a sad smile, shifting my books between arms. "Thanks, Adam."

He flashed me a wide grin and I followed him back out to the hall before we went our separate ways to class, likely both with Eli on our minds.

The abrupt exchange between Eli and I ate away at me for the rest of the afternoon, placated only by the safe haven of a student council meeting. I was able to focus on the topics at hand, thankful for the short break from my mind until the meeting was adjourned. Immediately after the other members dispersed, I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. Fishing it out, I stared at the familiar digits. I recognized the number, but for the life of me couldn't place to whom it belonged. Accepting that I knew the caller, I swiped to pick up, slowly placing the receiver to my ear and giving a tentative greeting. The line was mostly silent, but I could hear a faint sigh.

"Hello?" I repeated, more inquisitive than annoyed.

"Clare-" the caller responded before freezing up. "Clare, it's CeCe. I'm not entirely sure this is the best parenting decision I'll ever make, but I have a favor to ask."

My heart shot to the floor and I pondered the possibilities of why Eli's mother -who in her own right potentially hated me- would be calling on me at all, let alone with a request. I panicked inwardly for a second that something may be wrong with Eli and didn't need to think it through.

"Oh, um... of course, what's wrong?"

"Eli," she answered, half confirming my fears. "Whatever happened with you two yesterday has had him a little... shaken," she explained, clearly grasping for a delicate way to put it. "His therapist upped his milligrams yesterday, but I can't even get him out of his room. He won't eat or talk to either of us and it's just- it's too quiet in his room, he's really got us on alert."

If the floor could open up at that moment, my heart would have sunk lower. I hadn't realized that my mouth was open in shock until I tasted the salt from the tears I hadn't known were welling.

This shouldn't be happening. No, this can't. Not now, he's better now.

"But CeCe, what am I supposed to do? I'm probably the last person he wants to talk to or be near. I'm what set him off in the first place."

"I know," she breathed, and I knew she was too concerned to be accusatory. "That's why you might be the only one to snap him out of it. Can you come over?"

The desperation in her voice was too much for me to bear. I still didn't think there was anything I could do to change the situation, but if she was willing to reach out to me, the person wholly responsible for sending her son into his tempest to begin with, there was no way I could deny her.

"Okay," I moused, in disbelief of my agreement. "I'll be there in twenty minutes." She offered me a tiny thanks and the line clicked. It took me a moment to gather my thoughts and head out of the council room to find Jake.

"Hey, are you about done here?" I asked innocently once I found him around back, stacking a row of shoddy wooden fences alongside the brick of the school. It was discovered to be incredibly convenient that the gardening club met on the same days as student council, but today I was itching to be on my way out.

"Yeeep," Jake groaned happily, standing and attempting to brush the soaked in grass stains from the fabric around his knees. "Another day saving the Earth," he boasted with a proud smile, earning a small but sincere one from me. I wasted no time in leading us back around to the parking lot, getting a few strides before I noticed Jake wasn't in tow. I looked back to see him patting his pockets, a slight confusion on his face.

"Jake...?"

"Uh, yeah, hold the phone, my keys are on the roof."

"Excuse me?"

"There was a break in the greenhouse's main, so we had to hook up to the piping up there. I'll only take a second, your personal bible study won't suffer from losing ten minutes," he teased.

I narrowed my eyes at him, but followed along regardless, reminding myself not to look down as we climbed each rung. He went off on his own to search for our means of transportation and I shook my head to myself, thinking how much I'd rather be burying my nose in the bible instead of journeying to the Goldsworthy ward. Lost in thought, I found myself wandering closer to the edge of the roof, taking in the seemingly tiny scenery and doing my best to ignore the height. I wondered if that's how Eli felt sometimes; tiny and out of reach of everything and everyone. Maybe my comparison was reaching, but it almost made sense as I tiptoed even closer. You're on the edge, metaphorically in his case. You can see everything going on around you, but you're in a different world. Really, the only way you can try to be a part of it is to-"

"Don't jump!" The fake gasp was accompanied by gruff hands at my sides, strong enough to secure me to where I was standing, but taunting enough to pretend to be pushing me back to "the world". Normally, the practical joke would have terrified me beyond my wits, but now it only served to bring me out of my overly analytical thoughts. I turned back to Jake, blinking stupidly as I registered that he'd found his keys. A weird expression spread over his face, completely replacing the wide grin he'd had a moment ago.

"Hey, are you- I was just kidding, I wouldn't let you fall or anything," he muttered, his guilt turning cautious. "Wait, you weren't actually gonna jump, were you?" His eyes grew, and his hand grew firmer against my shirt as if he was scared I'd make a leap if he let go. "Clare!"

"No, I wasn't going to jump off the roof, Jake! What kind of ridiculous question is that, honestly?" I scoffed, crossing my arms and making my way over to the ladder, only to find the hand reaching for me again, coiling around my wrist and tugging me back. "Jake, knock it off, I have somewhere to be."

"No, Clare. What's going on with you? Every morning you look like something out of one of your stupid vampire books, you don't say a word in the car, or at dinner, I don't think you know how to smile anymore, and you were about to let me throw you off the roof. What the Hell is going on?"

I hadn't given Jake as much credit as he deserved. Thankfully after our parents married and our own relationship was straightened out and deemed platonic, we fell nicely into the role of siblings. Jake was actually a really great brother, and maybe I didn't appreciate that enough. He made the house bearable what with the strange union down the hall, and I felt a sisterly bond in a way I never had with Darcy. I loved my sister and missed her everyday, but with Jake it was different. I'm sure Darcy loved me too, but I don't think she always liked me, and we definitely didn't have very much in common. Jake brought calm to the house, something we needed desperately for a long time, and while I think he loved me in a different way now, I believed he liked me too.

"I'm fine, Jake. I've been under a lot of pressure with finals coming up, student council, I've just been busy."

I thought I was out of the woods when he didn't immediately protest, but he surprised me again.

"I heard you crying, you know." His voice was gentle, and his eyes were too when I met them. "We share a wall, and as long as I've known you, you've never cried tears over school that weren't happy." Even with the light tease, his voice held genuine concern and I had to look away before he heard the cries again. It didn't seem fruitful to keep lying to Jake, and the more I thought about the situation, the less likely it seemed possible.

"One condition," I decided, dreading the explanation that would have to follow. "Can you drop me off somewhere else on your way home?" He nodded, shrugging at the innocent enough request, and I leaned against the locked door into the school, deciding where to begin. Obviously Eli's situation wasn't a secret throughout the Degrassi halls, but for as much as the student body knew, Jake knew plenty more, and more truth, whether he wanted to or not.

"I think I broke Eli," I confided, staring at my feet. He slid in next to me, looking puzzled by my choice of words, and probably why I was even bringing up someone I'd vowed to erase from my life. "I mean- not physically or anything, he did a pretty good job of that himself over the last couple of years, but... I think I might be interfering with his recovery. We got paired up for some stupid assignment by our stupid teacher, and it's been a nightmare. He thinks I'm scared to be around him, and... part of me is, but not because I'm afraid of him, but I'm afraid of what I might cause him to do next. I don't- I don't hate him," I admitted, half wishing I did so this would all be easier, "I don't want him to hurt himself. I really do want him to get better, and I don't think he can do that when I'm around."

Jake was silent for a long moment, catching me off guard when his next move was to reach across the door and envelop me in a hug. The momentary shock wore off and I moved my arms around him, returning the gesture and squeezing my eyes shut to ward off any new tears. He held on, situating lower so he was closer to my much lower level and let me rest my chin on his shoulder.

"I think this is one of those things Eli has to kind of work out himself. He has a disorder, his bad days aren't your fault. They aren't even his, they just kind of happen."

I was floored by Jake's answer to the situation. For all that Eli had put him through, intentionally or otherwise, Jake was so understanding. There was a good chance it was solely for my benefit, but it was almost eloquent how simply he explained.

"He has more bad days when I'm around," I whimpered, winding my arms tighter around him.

"He has more emotions when you're around," he chuckled. "But maybe that's a good thing. If he can conquer Clare Edwards, he can handle the world."

I laughed, a real laugh, thankful for Jake being such a smart Alec, and with a quick squeeze, I pulled back, quickly wiping away the moisture that had managed to break free.

"Thanks a lot," I whined, playfully swatting Jake's shoulder. I took a deep breath and he jingled his keys, effectively lightening the mood and giving us an out. I wordlessly followed him back to level ground and out to the parking lot where his truck awaited us. I climbed in, feeling a bit better than I had all day.

"So where am I taking you now?"

I'd almost forgotten about my condition, and now my destination seemed silly given the worries I'd expressed on the roof, but I couldn't let CeCe down.

"Uh... to Eli's house," I replied innocently, grinning tightly.

He narrowed his eyes but didn't question it, starting the ignition and heading out onto the street.