I feel guilty about that contest. I was selfish. I think I also might have been drunk. I always act like I'm drunk so I actually have no idea. I thunk I waz drink,. But Im realy no shur. Mayb im drunk rite know. Ow shud I no.

Atayl, the only person who responded to my contest, is now regarded as Head Nacho. May the Force (of my army) be with you. Unless I want to hunt you down, in which case you are DEAD MEAT.

Thank You.

Lily sat under the hat, waiting.

Let me guess. Gryffindor.

Aw, said Lily, no need to be such a constant downer.

Yes there is. Not one evil person today! What am I supposed to do when there is no corruption? I need some nicotine...

A smoking hat? That can't be good. Let me help.

Must... resist... niceness...

I know the perfect spell.

You're a Mudblood! You wouldn't know a thing about magic!

I'm insulted! You just lost the only friend you ever had!

No. I have lots of friends. There's... um... Frienda the Fedora! I remember her!

Was she imaginary?

Yes! I mean, no! She was this fedora who was my friend.

That's very descriptive.

Yes, I know it is. And then there was... um... Hades! He helped me murder Luke Castellan! And Selena Beuragaurd or whatever her name was. Not to mention Charles Beckendorf!

Why are you friends with the king of the underworld?

Because that's my night job. I go to hell and work there as a Dunkin Donuts salesman.

Why do they have a Dunkin Donuts in the underworld?

There are lots of them, actually. It's to torture all the souls. There's a Dunkin Donuts, but they can never go there.

You are sick.

Well, duh, do you know how many diseases are in hell?

OMG GET HIM OFF ME!

Sheesh, fine. GRYFFINDOR! And remember... Hades and I have been watching your fate. Beware your child! And Voldemort! And Sirius Black! And whoever else you should beware. And who is Voldemort anyway?