Title: When Curves Were Straight - 9 of ?
Author: Shadowfax27
Fandom: CSI: Miami
Pairing: Eric/Ryan
Rating: T
Disclaimer: Me no own. You no sue. Okay?
Cross-Beta By: Shadowfax27 & Abendstern1601
A/N: Lyrics taken from Gerri Halliwell's 'Mi Chico Latino.' You want it... You got it! Sorry for the delay. I've had this 'smut' chapter written for the longest time, but I couldn't post it until I had completed the previous chapters, which took a long while to update. Anyway, this is my longest chapter to date, and this is also my first attempt at writing slash smut… I blushed the whole time I was writing it, but I hope you guys enjoy it. I tried my best to balance out the smut with their emotions, so I hope it worked. I'm posting the tempered/edited version here, but feel free to click on my profile and go to my website if you want to read the full NC-17 version. Feedback would be so awesome (you guys can let me know if I did the smut right). I am, after all, a SLASH SMUT initiate. --holds breath and crosses fingers--
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Chapter 9 – Down The Straight Curve
You left a fire in my eyes
That lightens up the darkest skies
I'm giving up I'm letting go
I'll find my way so…
Que Sueno! (What a dream!)
Chico latino te quiero (Latin boy/guy I want you)
Y simplemente deseo (And I simply desire (you))
Yo lo se el camino (I know the way)
Es un sueno latino (Is a Latin dream)
-----
"Ryan!" he heard his name being called again, snatching him back into reality. "Ryan!"
He shook his head vigorously and blinked several times, trying to shake off the lingering haze. Then he walked the few slow steps over to the wooden entrance and hesitated, just as another series of desperate knocks battered against its surface.
"Ryan!"
"Just open the door…" came the last of Speed's fading voice, and he took a deep breath and swallowed hard before lifting a trembling hand and reaching for the handle.
"Ryan!" Eric's voice sounded worried, maybe even upset. "Open the damn door!"
-----Eric Delko was getting impatient and frustrated. He had been knocking and calling Ryan's name for the last 20 minutes, and the younger man still hadn't answered his door. He had already taken a peek through the window in his garage and confirmed that Ryan's car was parked there, which could only mean that he was, indeed, at home.
He had tried calling Ryan's cell phone several times, but the CSI must've turned it off since it kept going straight into his voice mail. Aggravated and disturbed by Ryan's supposed silence, Eric had begun pounding onto his door with his fist, hoping that the younger man would hear him if he had been sleeping.
He knew he was making quite a ruckus; the curious stares and annoyed glares of Ryan's neighbors told him so, but he could care less if he were to disturb the devil himself. He had to talk to Ryan, had to see for himself that he was alright – he had to find out what was going on.
"Ryan!" he called, nearly shouting the younger man's name in worry and frustration. "Ryan! Open the damn door!"
He was just about to subject Ryan's door to another barrage of pummeling courtesy of his fist, when he heard the soft click of the lock, and the door unexpectedly opened, slowly revealing a haggard looking CSI, who was still wearing the same orange shirt and dark jeans he had worn to work.
"Jesus, Wolfe!" Eric stared at him in wide-eyed concern, his frustrations from earlier quickly melting away at the worn out sight of the younger man before him.
And then a sliver of the dream flooded back to Ryan like a fallen morsel from a vanishing cookie crumb.
"What would I find behind the door?" he dared to ask, the tremble in his voice betraying the fear and uncertainty he felt gnawing at him.
"The answer you've been looking for."
"The answer?" Ryan asked, frowning in confusion.
He could almost imagine Speed nodding, "Yes… the answer to everything you want is standing beyond that door – the answer to everything you'll ever need to finally move on and let me go."
"Delko…" the name escaped his lips like a careless whisper, almost as if the truth of Speed's words were too painful too look at, too incredible to hear, too impossible to even contemplate.
"Are you alright?" came Eric's worried voice.
Ryan didn't answer. He was still too upset over Speed's sudden decision to leave him alone, too bothered by the fact that his mentor would no longer be visiting him in his dreams, too afraid to face the future for the first time without his old friend to guide him and to sustain him in his time of need.
And for the first time in his life after Speed's initial and unexpected death, Ryan Wolfe felt truly bereft… completely and utterly alone.
He didn't know what to think of this new development, this latest revelation from his deceased friend.
And now this…
"Ryan?" Eric called out softly when Ryan didn't answer, frowning in stunned befuddlement when the younger man abruptly turned on his heels and walked back up the stairs in a melancholic daze.
He still hadn't said a word.
Without being invited or denied entrance, Eric drew in a heavy breath and boldly stepped through the still-open door, locking it behind him securely before quickly following Ryan upstairs. The sound of running water alerted him to where he should go, and he soon found the young CSI leaning heavily over the bathroom sink, his eyes closed and his face dripping with water.
He stood by the doorway and called out to the younger man again, noting with concern the paleness in his face, "Ryan?"
Still, no answer…
Opening his eyes finally, Ryan lifted his head up slowly to look in the mirror, his bloodshot gaze immediately settling on the Cuban, now standing on his doorway. And without acknowledging Eric's presence, he straightened up sharply, turned off the tap, and reached for the towel that was hanging on the wall next to sink.
"What's going on?" he heard the older man ask, worry palpable in his voice.
He could feel Eric's concerned stare upon him, watching his every move with a bewildered frown. And for once, he felt like wanting to kick the Cuban out of his home, tell him to go away so that he could hide from the rest of the world until who knows when, tell him to shut the fuck up with all of his damn questions so that he could be enveloped in his gloomy silence once more, tell him to leave him the hell alone so that he could sleep away his deepening depression, this ever-growing ache within his chest
He wiped his face brusquely and drew in a tired breath before addressing the man who was still staring at him.
"What do you want, Delko?" Ryan asked coolly as he set the towel down on top of the counter.
Then, turning around to face the older man, he crossed his arms indignantly and leaned against the counter as he returned the Cuban's stare with an icy glare of his own, waiting for him to respond, to tell him what the hell he was doing there.
Whoa! Ryan only called him 'Delko' whenever he was upset with him or whenever they're at work, and they have to keep up with professional appearances. Although truth be told, lately (ever since he had first learned about Ryan's clandestine friendship with Speed and their unlikely 'relationship' had blossomed into something unexpected and certainly quite indefinable at the moment), he rather liked the fact that Ryan had started to call him by his first name.
Hearing Ryan address him in this way, however, caused Eric to become even more confused at Ryan's strange behavior, especially if said behavior was now being directed towards him. What the hell did he do this time to upset Ryan? He began to question in earnest whether he really had done something wrong.
Normally, Eric would've instantly reacted to Ryan's cool indifference by parrying back, returning a smug retort of his own. But after spending several weeks getting to know the younger man and waiting patiently for him to sort things out about their relationship in his head, they had grown close enough to where he could finally, though sometimes still not easily, see right through Ryan's mask.
And realizing what was happening before him, Eric did just that…
He saw through Ryan's carefully faced indifference, saw through the walls that he had built around himself when he was feeling threatened, weak, or vulnerable. But most importantly, he saw through the coldness, past the stony blaze in his glare, and he saw the pain, the fear, and the emptiness deep within the green hollows of Ryan's too-honest eyes… and his heart instinctively ached, empathizing with the troubled man before him.
"Talk to me, Ryan," Eric told him gently, taking a careful step towards him. "Tell me what's troubling you… Tell me what's wrong."
Ryan drew in a sharp breath, immediately feeling somehow threatened by Eric's proximity to him, by how close the Cuban was to seeing right through him, to crumbling down his own defenses. He wanted this confrontation to end. He wanted to just get away and hide. But he knew that Eric wouldn't let him, stubborn as he was. And so, he tore his eyes away and shook his head, a small pessimistic chuckle escaping his lips as he did so.
"Nothing…" he replied, still coldly. "You wouldn't understand."
"Try me," he heard Eric say almost smugly, challengingly.
Ryan could almost imagine him starting to get frustrated as he said this. He could almost imagine him fuming at his own stubbornness and at being intentionally kept in the dark.
He looked up, and his heart immediately jumped up to his throat as he realized too little, too late that the Latino had already crossed the space between them and was now standing only inches from his face, trapping him between himself and the sink. He could feel the heat radiating through Eric's clothes, could feel his hot, fuming breath against his face, and he could see something else in the Cuban's eyes – an emotion that he, himself, was embarrassed to admit, too afraid to name.
"Ryan…" he heard Eric speaking his name again, gentle and coaxing despite the barely contained frustration underneath. "Tell me what's wrong. Have I done something to hurt you?"
The earnestness in Eric's question caught Ryan by surprise, and he immediately shook his head, "What? No! Oh, no, no, no… God, no, Eric. I mean, I… it wasn't…" he sighed, feeling himself start to stumble over his words. "It's not you, Eric," Ryan replied tiredly. "You haven't done anything to hurt me."
"Then what is it?" Eric pressed.
"It's me," came Ryan's simple reply.
"Yeah, I get that already," Eric told him, still not getting the whole picture. "Tell me something new."
Ryan sighed heavily, "It's not just me, Eric. It's me and…" he paused before adding hesitantly, "…and someone else."
Now Eric's really puzzled: Ryan and someone else?
What did he mean by that?
Did he already have a relationship with someone else, and Eric just didn't know about it?
Was that why Ryan had asked him to give him time to think about what's going to become of their 'relationship'?
Was he biding his time to see which one would be better: Eric or this 'someone else'?
Was that the reason why he had become so distracted, so distant from Eric, even?
Did that amazing kiss on the beach mean nothing to him at all?
"Oh, God…" Eric thought in silent dread. "Does this mean Ryan and I can't be together? Have I already lost my chance with him? Is he going to tell me that he's made his decision and that he has decided against being in a relationship with me… that he doesn't want to be with me?" Swallowing thickly as his heart began to hammer in his chest, Eric braved a question, while silently dreading Ryan's answer. "What do you mean?" he asked, his question coming out in a strained, trembling whisper.
Ryan sighed heavily again, "It's… it's me and Speed."
"Ryan, what are you talking about?" Eric frowned.
But before Ryan could fathom a response, Eric had a sudden recollection of something that he had been wanting to ask his colleague about since that fateful night when he had fallen asleep in his home just over a month ago. He could still remember everything: the way Ryan had dreamed agonizingly in his sleep, the way he had comforted the young man through it all, holding him close as the tears fell unbidden, and the way he was so stunned to find out that he had been dreaming about Speed.
It was all still so vivid in his mind…
"Ryan," Eric called out his name in a soft whisper as he looked deeply into the younger man's eyes. "Does this have anything to do with your dream the night I confronted you about Speed?" he dared to ask.
Thoroughly stunned by what Eric had just confronted him with, Ryan could only stutter out a trembling reply, "H-how… how did you know about that?"
Eric studied Ryan's face intently, looking for any signs of recollection, and seeing none, he answered, "We were watching TV on your couch, but you fell asleep maybe a couple hours into it. Everything was sort of quiet, but then I heard you…" he paused a moment, trying to find a way to put things gently. "You were talking in your sleep, Ryan," Eric finally confessed. "And I heard you talking to Speed."
He felt the blood rush all the way up to his face, his cheeks and ears beginning to burn bright red in humiliation and anxiety at having been discovered, at what he might have inadvertently revealed during his fretful slumber, at what Eric had learned while he had been unconscious.
Not knowing what to say, Ryan instinctively reacted by pushing Eric off of him and storming out of the bathroom in a panic that was enough to make him puke his guts out. God! He had never been so self-consciously embarrassed in his entire life as he was right at that moment.
What was Eric going to think about this now?
How would Eric view him after this mess of a night?
Would he look at him like he was some kind of a freak for needing Speed to sustain him and to keep him sane all this time, more than two years after the CSI's death?
Or would Eric think that he was insane for believing that Speed had actually been helping him cope with the loneliness and the loss from beyond the grave?
Honestly, he didn't want to know; neither did he have the strength to find out. He rushed out of the bathroom in a frazzled huff and stormed into his bedroom, where he promptly sat down at the foot of his bed and buried his face in his hands. He wasn't sure he could really tell the Cuban what was really troubling him inside. He couldn't bear to even worry about what Eric would think of him now.
Meanwhile, Eric had recovered quickly enough to realize that he needed to keep confronting Ryan and that he didn't need to let the younger man out of his sight. He immediately followed Ryan into his bedroom, where he found him quivering in silent tears, his elbows propped up on his thighs and his face buried deeply in his hands.
His heart ached all at once at seeing the younger man hurt so much. He could almost hear Ryan's heart fragmenting into countless pieces as he suffered in solitude and sobbed out in pained silence. He wanted to just reach out and hold Ryan close, let him cry out his bottled up pain and spill it all on his chest, let himself rock the younger man into a comforting silence until he had fallen asleep.
But somehow, he sensed that Ryan wouldn't be too keen on that at that moment, especially when he was already feeling vulnerable and dare he say it, humiliated. The young man must be wondering what he thought of him now, and Eric knew that it was up to him to show Ryan that he was sincere, that he wouldn't judge him or make fun, and that he could be trusted to open up with his most intimate secret.
Quietly, Eric walked into the room, pulled out a chair from the corner, and set it down a few feet in front of Ryan, being careful to put enough distance between them so as not to intrude too much into Ryan's personal space. He straddled the seat, crossed his arms on top of the back of the chair, and allowed his chin to drop on top of his forearm, sighing as he did so.
"Ryan…" he called out to the younger man in a soft voice. "You're not alone, you know?" Eric began carefully, deciding to go for the more emphatic approach. "I used to dream a lot about Speed too."
He heard Ryan sniffle before he was asked in a pained whisper, "Do you still dream about him, Eric?"
The question caught him slightly off guard, and for a moment, he didn't know how to respond. He leaned back slightly and cast his eyes down, debating on how to answer the probing question as an uncomfortable silence descended upon them in the meantime, broken only when Ryan finally looked up with curious, bloodshot eyes and a tear-stained face, waiting for Eric to respond.
With a leaden sigh, Eric looked up and replied, "No, I don't… and it's my fault that he doesn't come anymore."
Frowning, Ryan asked, "Your fault? What do you mean it's your fault?"
"I was like you in the beginning, Ryan," Eric began, shifting slightly in his seat. "The first few months after Speed died… it was really tough. I used to think that I wouldn't get past the grief, that I couldn't handle losing him so suddenly. That's when he used to come and visit me in my sleep… every night, in fact, except on Mondays," he paused and chuckled in remembrance before continuing. "I remember asking him why he couldn't come and see me on Mondays, and do you know what he told me? He said that he was a wanted man with a very busy schedule for a ghost. I remember laughing when he told me that. He never would tell me where he would go on Monday nights and why he couldn't spend that time with me. I guess you could say that that's why my attitude hadn't been the best on Mondays… I missed him. And I knew that I wouldn't see him that night when I go to sleep. Even then, he'd always tell me that there was just somewhere else he needed to be, someone else that needed him, and that I'd soon find out who it was."
At this, he heard Ryan draw in a sharp breath, and he looked curiously into the younger man's eyes, suddenly remembering that Ryan had had his dream on a Monday night. Realization tackled him like a wild stampede as he pieced everything together in his mind.
"Oh, my God…" Eric nearly gasped in astonishment as he stared wide-eyed at Ryan. "You're the one that Speed had been visiting on Monday nights."
"And you're the reason why he couldn't see me the other six days of the week," Ryan retorted, but there was a hint of a smile on his lips.
Seeing this, Eric let out a relieved chuckle and replied, "Yeah… I guess I'm a little more high maintenance than you."
Ryan snorted, "Gee… you think?"
They shared an easy laugh that seemed to break down the somber tension blanketing the night air, before Ryan's brows creased into a curious frown again.
"Why did you say it was your fault, Eric?" he asked once more.
The smile on the Cuban's face faded, and he averted his eyes, feeling guilty and dirty at the reason why Speed had stopped visiting him in his sleep. Truth be told, he didn't really want to talk about himself right now. And Speed not visiting him anymore in his sleep wasn't really a topic of conversation he'd ever have a desire to discuss either.
But he knew that the only way to gain Ryan's trust so that he would finally open up about what was troubling him was to confess the hidden 'shame' he had kept to himself. And that, unfortunately, included having to talk about the one thing that he didn't really want to admit to himself, the one thing that he was ashamed to bring to light because of what it would reveal about him.
"It was my fault because I didn't take him seriously," Eric finally replied, still not meeting Ryan's eyes. "I was toothing, as you well know, and just being careless. And typical Speed called me on it and told me that I was being stupid, that I didn't need to be doing that because he believed that there was someone out there for me who was a cut above the rest. I told him that my sex life was none of his business, and as you could probably imagine, we got into a heated argument because of it. He told me that if I didn't stop having anonymous sex, that he was going to stop visiting me and not see me again until I've found what he called 'the right one' for me. I shrugged off his threat and laughed in his face, told him that I didn't believe him and that I didn't care about what he thought. I thought he was merely bluffing. But obviously, I was wrong… the next night he didn't show up. I thought maybe he'd return after a few days, but he didn't... and it hurt. I missed him. Not long after that, my life started to spiral out of control, and now, I'm just lucky to have some semblance of the normal back."
A pang of curious jealousy shot through Ryan, and the next question slipped out of him before he could even filter it, "Is that why you started dating Natalia?"
Eric didn't know what to say. He had been caught off guard again by Ryan's questioning, and now, he found himself faced with a question he had been asking himself for a while now as well: Why on earth did he go after Natalia? Especially when he only had eyes for someone else, someone who, at the time and perhaps even now, seemed to be out of reach? He decided to keep things simple by answering only the former.
"I don't know…" he shrugged. "I guess maybe I thought she was the one Speed was talking about and that if I went out with her, that Speed would finally show up again." He sighed and shook his head, "I guess I was wrong because Speed never showed up. I knew then that she wasn't the one he was talking about – she wasn't the right one for me."
Ryan simply nodded as he processed what Eric had said. But there was still another question that he was curious about, something else that he needed to ask.
"So, you blame yourself for Speed's leaving you?"
He sighed yet again and nodded, "Yeah, I do. I didn't take him or his concerns seriously, and because of that, I never dreamed about him again," Eric finished, finally daring to meet Ryan's gaze.
"How did you handle not seeing him anymore?" Ryan asked softly, seeing the pain in the Cuban's eyes.
Eric shrugged, "I didn't... I still miss him everyday," he replied honestly before returning Ryan's intent gaze, knowing that it was now his turn to ask the questions regarding Ryan's strange behavior in the last few weeks. "So, what about you?" Eric began carefully, trying to keep the mood serious yet casual enough to keep Ryan at ease. "What happened in your dream that Monday night when you fell asleep on the couch?" Eric now asked more specifically.
Ryan knew that it had finally come to this. He was reluctant to answer any of Eric's questions, but the Cuban had opened up to him about his dreams, or the lack thereof, involving their friend, Speed. And as much as he hated to admit it, the mere fact that Eric was willing to put himself in a vulnerable position by revealing something to him that he had kept hidden from everyone else, well… Ryan could only say that he did, indeed, appreciate that.
With a reluctant breath, Ryan told his colleague about the night Speed suddenly decided to leave him alone for good…
It had almost become a ritual for him now, a ritual that he eagerly looked forward to ever since its inauguration in his sleep nearly two years ago…
Once a week and every Monday night in the land of sleep and possibilities, Tim Speedle would always pay him a much-anticipated visit. They would talk about anything and everything, and always, at the end of each appearance, Speed would make a promise to come back and see him again in exactly one week. And even though Ryan missed him terribly and would've preferred to have the real Speed come back to him in the flesh, the once a week visits did slowly help him to deal with his friend's death.
And in his dreams, Ryan never had to worry about asking his friend if he would receive another visit the following week because Speed was 'always' the one who would make sure to make the promise to come back every Monday night. It was as if Speed could sense his friend's need to keep seeing him, could sense his friend's reluctance to let him go completely because he knew that without him, Ryan would be left all alone.
And so, like a true friend, he had made a promise to Ryan to come and visit him for as long as Ryan needed him -- for as long as it took Ryan to grieve his loss and to move on. And to that end, Ryan never had to ask him, nay, beg him to not leave him alone.
Until that night…
"Ryan, there's something I have to tell you," Speed began hesitatingly as he looked at his friend in all seriousness.
Thinking nothing of it, Ryan replied, "Shoot."
"It's time for me to let you go."
"Already?" Ryan asked surprised, evidently not catching his friend's drift. "Well, alright… I guess I'll see you next Monday then," he replied, standing up with a shrug.
"I'm not coming back, Ryan," Speed told him, standing up as well.
Frowning in confusion this time, Ryan asked, "What do you mean you're not coming back? You always do."
"Not this time," Speed replied with sadness in his eyes as he shook his head.
"Wait a minute," Ryan said, taking a step closer to his friend. "What do you mean by that? What's going on, Speed?"
With a reluctant sigh, Speed answered, "We've reached the point where we both know that you can make it on your own, Ryan… without me."
Hearing this, Ryan drew in a sharp breath and shook his head, "No… I can't, Speed… I already tried…" he said, clearly beginning to panic.
"But you can make it, Ryan," Speed countered. "You have to try."
Ryan shook his head stubbornly, not wanting to hear his friend's plea, "No… I'm tired, Speed. I'm too tired to try."
"Ryan, listen to me," Speed said, stepping up just close enough to put his hands on Ryan's shoulders and to look him intently in the eyes. "You've found your place here, and you're right where you belong as a CSI. You don't need me to help you anymore. Don't you see? You've already found it on your own."
But Ryan only shook his head in denial, feeling himself start to hyperventilate from anxiety, "No, there's no place for me here… No place without you, Speed… I don't belong in the team… I never have."
"Don't say that, Ryan," Speed reprimanded him. "Alexx loves you like one of her own, Calleigh's become a good friend, Horatio trusts you and is impressed with your work, and Eric…" he trailed off, not knowing what to say about the Cuban. "Well, he'll come around eventually."
"I can't…" Ryan replied, still shaking his head in denial.
"You have to try, Ryan," Speed told him encouragingly. "You have to move on."
"Don't make me do it," Ryan begged, feeling the sting of tears pricking the corners of his eyes. "Please…"
But Speed only shook his head sadly, "It's time, Ryan. I have to let you go," he replied, letting go of the younger man's shoulders.
"No!" Ryan whimpered desperately, feeling the cold emptiness beginning a slow crawl into his heart. "No, no… Please! Don't leave me!" he began to cry out now as a few tears started to roll down his pale face. "I can't do this… I can't do this alone…"
"I'm sorry, Ryan," Speed replied as he began to walk backwards slowly, increasing the heartbreaking distance between them with each agonizing step. "But you have to do this… You're ready to move on… And it's time for me to let you go…"
Ryan wanted to reach out frantically, wanted to step closer and capture his friend once more, prevent him from disappearing altogether. But his feet were somehow rooted to the spot, and he was unable to move or to do much of anything except to cry out frantically and to plead for his friend to not abandon him.
"No, please… Speed… don't go… don't go… don't go…" he said distraughtly, imploring his friend as tears of anguish began to flow freely from his eyes.
"I'll never forget you, Ryan," Speed told him from a distance, when Ryan could only see his ghostly silhouette amidst the whitish gray. "I'll always watch over you… I'll always be in your heart."
His words had a powerful and consoling effect on the young CSI, and he took comfort in his friend's words, holding onto them like a treasured promise that transcends the boundaries time and space.
"I'll miss you, Speed…" Ryan sighed finally in quiet yet pained resignation.
"Don't forget about me, Ryan," Speed told him, a small, sad smirk appearing on his face.
"Never…" Ryan replied determinedly, sniffling as he shook his head, still not daring to peel his eyes away from the quickly fading silhouette of his friend.
"You promise?" Speed asked one last time before he could completely disappear.
"I promise," Ryan replied resolutely.
And with the last of those words, Ryan watched unblinkingly as his friend finally vanished, claimed by the ethereal haze that used to be their meeting place, his place of comfort every Monday night for the past two years.
"Is that why you've been acting so…" Eric paused, searching for the right words, "…distant? So withdrawn?"
"Partly…" Ryan replied as he nodded slightly. "I was sort of like you. I thought that maybe he'd change his mind and come back again. But Monday night came, and he didn't." He closed his eyes, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill once more at the painful memory, before continuing, "That first night without his visit was really tough, and I didn't sleep well at all. I tried to go back to our meeting place, but I couldn't find it. Somehow, I kept ending up in this thick, gray haze… and I was lost." He paused a moment more before adding, "I was lost, and I couldn't find him."
"So, what did you do?"
"I ran," Ryan stated simply.
"And did you find him?" Eric now asked curiously.
Ryan shook his head, "No… I didn't," Ryan replied. "I couldn't. But…" he trailed off, the words dying a slow, painful death in his mouth as he thought about not wanting to dwell on the memory of his last dream.
"But… that's not everything, is it?" Eric pressed, sensing that there was something more to the story, something else that Ryan hadn't revealed, something else that he was trying to hold back.
Closing his eyes, Ryan swallowed the burgeoning lump in his throat before shaking his head, "No. I didn't see him, but he spoke to me… he spoke in my head."
"And what did he say?"
"He told me that I can't keep looking for him, that his death wasn't my fault and that I should stop feeling guilty, that I should quit blaming myself for it," Ryan confessed.
"He's right, you know?" Eric told him. "You had nothing to do with Speed's death."
Ryan looked at him incredulously then, "Really, Delko?" he asked rather sarcastically. "If that were true, then why the hell did you treat me like shit, huh? Why did you act as if my coming into the lab was the like the worst possible crime, as if I might as well have been guilty for killing Speed, as if I had pulled the trigger myself? Why did you keep pitting me against him, treating me like his damn replacement?" he asked, firing the questions rapidly as he felt his long-hidden hurt and resentment beginning to boil above the surface.
"So that's why he felt like he didn't belong," Eric thought finally as he pieced together what Ryan just said with what he had said earlier in his conversation with Speed. He looked down in shame and didn't dare to meet the righteous glare in Ryan's eyes. Perhaps this was the real reason why the CSI told him to give him time to think. Perhaps that's why Ryan was approaching this relationship so cautiously. Heck, if it had been him, he would've had a hard time trusting someone who had treated him with contempt too."I'm so sorry, Ryan," Eric finally dared a reply, looking sincerely into Ryan's eyes. "I don't know what to say… I mean, I was really missing Speed at that time. I know that's no excuse for how or why I treated you the way I did. But I'm really, really sorry… for everything." He paused, studying the younger man's face for a moment, trying to look for any signs of forgiveness before adding, "I can't turn back time or undo what I did to you in the past. But I hope you'd still be my friend at the very least; maybe give me the chance to right the wrongs I've done."
There was shyness in his voice now, a timid quality that Ryan had never heard before from a man like Eric Delko, and it caught him by surprise… pleasantly.
"I had been an arrogant jackass to you, Ryan," Eric told him remorsefully. "And I'm really sorry for hurting you."
Ryan shook his head and smiled thinly, "You're not the only one, Eric," Ryan confessed as well. "I was a jerk too."
A relieved smile tugged on their lips and spread over their faces at the same time, knowing that in not so many words, that each had forgiven the other. And just like that, they buried the past behind them, intending to make a clean start on the future.
Wanting to get back to Ryan's last dream, however, Eric now asked, "What else did Speed tell you, Ryan?"
With another heavy sigh, Ryan replied, "He told me that I couldn't keep holding onto him, that I had to move on. Next thing I know, I was standing in front of my front door, and I heard someone pounding on it. He told me to open the door, but I was afraid, so I didn't move. And then I asked him what I would find behind the door…" Ryan trailed off once again, knowing exactly what Speed had been implying when he realized who was standing behind his door as soon as he had opened it.
"Ryan," Eric called his name like a soothing whisper. "I'm here for you. Please… tell me what happened," he coaxed gently, even though he already knew the implication of what Ryan had revealed.
In his heart, Ryan knew that Eric had promised to wait for him, to give him all the time he needed to sort things out in his head before making a decision about their relationship. And after that incredibly heartfelt kiss on the beach, he knew that the Cuban had been sincere in what he had said.
But yet his mind kept over-thinking things, telling him that a relationship with Eric could never be despite his heart's staunch protests. He knew that he wasn't an easy person to understand, let alone, to deal with sometimes. So, why on earth would Eric want to be with someone as complicated and as 'messed up' as him? And that's not even counting the hodgepodge that was his mentor-friendship-relationship with Speed before and after his death.
Speed.
The name sparked a voice in his head, and he found himself closing his eyes once more, trying to capture the comforting yet devastating sound of his friend's last words.
"Speed…" Ryan tried to protest one last time.
"Let go of me, Ryan…" Speed told him once more. "Please, just let go…"
Ryan looked down and quietly replied, "He told me that the answer to everything I want, the answer to everything I'll ever need to finally move on and let him go was standing beyond my front door. He told me to open the door and to not be afraid of what I'd find. He made me promise him that I'd be happy. And then he told me…" he trailed off, almost choking on Speed's words as they echoed in his head and swam in his blood, re-igniting the fire that his old friend had set into motion more than two years ago. "He told me…"
"He told you to let go…"
Fire burned in both of their eyes as they met each other's gaze once again. Only this time, neither one said a word as both understood exactly what Speed had been wanting for them all along, what he had been trying to do with his two stubbornly clueless friends when he was still alive, and what he was still trying to do even now, beyond the grave.
They had to give their friend credit – whether in the flesh or in spirit, Speed was one cocky and persistent son of a…
All this time, they had both been too carefully blind, both refusing to admit what they had always wanted for so long, both too pigheaded to make the first move and to go after what they knew in their hearts was the right thing to do.
But not anymore…
Wordlessly, Eric stood up and took a careful step towards Ryan before kneeling down on the floor between his legs. And when the younger man didn't protest the intrusion into his personal space, he reached up and cupped his face, pulling him into a soft, imploring kiss, filled with comfort and need.
Ryan responded in kind, kissing him back with as much urgency and wanting, slim lips kissing him softly but fiercely at the same time that deft fingers circled around his neck. Eric dropped his arms, circling them around Ryan's waist possessively. It wasn't until Eric had pulled their bodies flush against each other that a moan of breathless anticipation escaped Ryan's lips as he felt the unmistakable evidence of Eric's growing desire between his legs, rubbing against his own, even as heat radiated through their own clothing and intensified between them.
Smirking into the kiss, Eric tugged on Ryan's shirt, lifted it above his head, and then quickly discarded it on the floor. He took a moment to gaze upon the beautiful body in front of him, and he couldn't help but leer predatorily, his mouth twisting up into a humorless, hungry smile when Ryan blushed a deep shade of crimson, his mouth temptingly swollen and glistening from the heat of their exchange.
He leaned forward and captured Ryan's lips once more, his hands warm and traveling down the well-muscled plains of his chest, fingers sliding along the faint line of hair that went down to his navel, touching and feeling and roaming and groping. He felt Ryan's hands begin to unbutton his shirt, felt him push it off of his shoulders, and he shrugged it off, the piece of clothing joining Ryan's in a careless pool beside his legs.
His hands quickly wound around the younger man's body again, pulling him close, bare chest to bare chest, feeling the heat radiate and magnify between them even more. He ground their hips together, and when Ryan gasped at the contact, he plunged his tongue into his mouth and devoured him greedily, their tongues dueling for dominance as Eric savored every moment of the kiss, imprinting in his mind forever just how delicious this beautiful man tasted like.
His hands traveled down stealthily as he kissed a path from Ryan's mouth to his jaw and down to the side of his neck. His tongue made a slow, wet trail across his collarbone, and the younger man's hands rose entirely of their own volition to twist in his hair. And when his hands had found their target, he made short work of undoing the younger man's belt and pants as he assaulted that all too-sensitive spot behind his left ear.
Ryan groaned deeply and bared his neck for Eric to ravish. He felt Eric tug on his pants, and he released one of his hands from around Eric's neck, propped it up on the bed for leverage, and lifted his hips as Eric pulled both pieces of clothing off of him in one impossibly swift motion. And then suddenly, Ryan felt naked and vulnerable and…
Oh…
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(NC-17 parts edited out… Click on my profile, and go to my Homepage to read the full, unedited version, but only if you're comfortable and you understand what you're going to be reading. WARNING: THIS IS SLASH SMUT! You have been warned, so don't go flaming me if you choose to be ignorant and disregard the warning!)
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Seconds later, Eric collapsed helplessly, and they were left trembling and clinging to each other's sweat-slicked bodies amidst the steamy silence of the young CSI's bedroom.
Ryan tried to concentrate on the simple feeling of having Eric inside of him, relentless and steady and powerful. He tried to bathe in the silence and the balmy afterglow of having just made intense, passionate love. He tried to focus and remember everything… even after he had stopped feeling the rush of warmth coming out of Eric and even as the tidal wave of emotions ebbed from their veins, summoned back by the pull of their own bodies' need to unwind.
And then there was silence between them once more as both bodies shifted on top of the bed. Pulling the sheets to cover their nakedness, Eric snuggled up behind Ryan and held onto him, much like the way he had held him that first night he heard him dreaming about Speed, like that first night he spent holding him comfortingly on the couch until he had fallen back into a more peaceful sleep.
He dropped a soft kiss on Ryan's neck and shoulder and tangled their legs together, enjoying the straight yet complicated curves of the younger man against him, as their breaths slowly evened out into a steady rhythm. Silence enveloped them once more, heavy and persistent, until the only sounds they could hear were the steady beating of their own hearts… two hearts that after all this time, finally, finally beat as one.
And somewhere in the distance, in the faint ethereal shadows of the afterlife, a stubborn and restless soul finally, finally smiled…
With another deep breath and still with the absence of any words, Eric and Ryan closed their eyes and fell almost immediately into a deep, dreamless slumber.
Or so they thought…
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TBCTell me what you think. Remember… I'm posting this before I leave for my overseas trip b/c I heart y'all. It would be really nice to hear from you guys and have your much-welcomed feedback greet me when I get back.
Again, what I posted here was the tempered version of the SMUT. If you want to read the original (NC-17) version, however, then go to my profile and click on my Homepage. You'll find the SMUT in Chapter 10 on my LJ. Oh, and if you do decide to read it, then please let me know that you did by leaving a review.
A/N: Okay… tell me I'm good to you. Come on… let me hear it. LOL This is my longest chapter to date. I hope you find that it answers the 'mysteries' I've hinted at since the beginning of the story, as well as resolves some of the issues and tension between the boys. The story's not over yet, even though we're nearing the end. There are a couple of things that still need to be dealt with, some open issues that still need to be resolved. I'm hoping to be able to write these next few chapters while on the plane, so you guys could have an update not long after I get back. Stay tuned!
