Disclaimer:I don't own Dean, Sam or Bobby. That honor belongs to Eric Kripke. Though he is generous to allow us fans to play with his sandbox, and for that I thank him.
A.N: The song "So Fell Autumn rain" by Lake of Tears is obviously not mine but for some reason I like listening to the song while writing this and for me it really helps the story along. Sorta a deeper message than what's on the surface for the story for me; for me it helps to tell this chapter. But that's just me but I'd suggest listening to the song while reading, it may help. Might be able to feel where I was coming from.
Besides, I sorta wanted a song for this chapter for some reason anyway. One of those chapters that need a song, ya know?
This is the final chapter!! I want to thank everyone who has reviewed and/or faved! I had gotten a lot of story alerts as well and it makes me happy to see that people were interested in this story.
And now, the conclusion.....
Summary:Takes an AU approach to the events after 5x18 Point of No Return. After returning to Bobby's Dean realizes a piece of himself will forever be missing…..or will it? MajorGuiltyDean and some LimpSam
Chapter 8: Wash it Away; That's when All Will Pass
Leaving with twilight though I was chosen
To wander the way in the darkest of nights
Oh in the summer sun how soon I came to stray
A true damnation when I turned away
Dean didn't know how long he stood staring before he finally sunk back in his chair, his eyes blurring. He placed his hands on his temples, shielding his eyes from view, leaning on the desk. The talk had taken much out of him.
Yet still he knew the conversation had to happen.
Clank.
He still remembered that sound. It would never go away.
Never.
Clank.
Out of all the stupid things he has done, this was the worse.
No, this was beyond stupid!
It was unforgivable.
Clank.
He would never forgive himself for this.
Never.
Silent tears made their way down his face.
Clank.
The sound was engraved in his memory.
Clank.
He would never truly fix what had been done.
Clank.
It was unfixable……
And Dean had to find a way to accept that and go on.
A tear fell from his eye, followed by another and another until he had to lay his head on the desk, his arms blocking the world from view, trying to stifle his tears.
He didn't deserve to be this upset!
He was the one that willing threw it away!
Yet, the more he tried to stifle them, the more they came forth. Pressure built and he found he could not hold back and just cried.
He cried for the past, he cried for the messed-up situation they were handed.
But mostly he cried for his little brother.
He cried for them.
What they used to be.
What he wanted back.
Clank.
But he knew they could never go back.....not fully.
Not like it used to be.
Fully caught up in his grief, Dean never heard the ruffle his ears would have normally caught. He never saw a figure move away from the wall, that separated them, to retreat back upstairs. He never saw the tears that fell from the figure's eyes.
All he heard was his own sobs.....and that echoing sound, that threatened to swallow him alive.
Clank.
So fell autumn rain washed away all my pain
I feel brighter somehow lighter somehow to breath once
again
So fell autumn rain washed my sorrows away
With the sunset behind somehow I find the dreams are
to stay
So fell autumn rain
Blinded by dawning so you would take me
Futher away away from the fall
Oh you told me I must never dream again
A true damnation you left me the pain
Finally evening fell and dinner with the Winchesters were solemn. There was no joking or happiness. Just melancholy for things lost. Both were lost in their own heads. Neither bothered the other, though they could each see a shared sadness in each other. There was no more talk.....frankly they were all talked out. So dinner, proceeded quietly, a slight tension in the air.
Sam was the first to finish his dinner. He sat down his fork and stood up glancing briefly at Dean who was busy playing with his own food with his fork at the moment.
"Don't forget to take your medicine", Dean murmured not looking up at his food.
Sam nodded as he placed the plate in the sink. "I will", he returned quietly, so not to disturb the quiet air that had existed since earlier.
Quickly he took his medicine before retreating upstairs for an early turn in. He did not feel up to dealing with this world anymore that day. He entered the bedroom and leaned on the door. He stared at his feet for awhile before he looked up and looked around.
Was it truly?
That question had plagued his mind ever since their talk.
Was it truly?
Sam leaned his head back on the door, closing his eyes. He claimed that all that mattered was that Dean was back; he held fast to that belief that everything could be better, that it could be fixed since Dean was back.
That was why he didn't like talking about what happened back at the motel. It was the only way he could stay sane after was Dean did; was to convince himself that 'a mere trinket' did not hold true value.
That is did not matter.
That all that mattered would be getting Dean back to his right mind.
But....
Was it truly?
Sam hadn't realized how much, how deeply, this was affecting Dean. Sam had built this bubble around the subject to protect himself but the more that Dean pushed at it, the more a hole began to develop in said bubble. After their talk, his bubble had many holes in it and Sam had been prepared to fix them so it would hold once more.
But when he saw his brother break down over 'a mere trinket' it made his own bubble shattered and the pain that he managed to push away flooded him.
That 'mere trinket' was no longer that. Sam couldn't pretend that it was just a thing to be forgotten.
Tears leaked out of Sam's eyes though he pressed them together harder hoping that they wouldn't fall.
But they did.
Sam slid down the door and pulled his knees to his chest and sobbed.
Was it truly?
So fell autumn rain...
But all when things must pass..
All things must pass....
All things must pass....
Dean continued to play with his food, his only company being the ticking of a near by clock. He stared at his plate unseeing. Time passed but it didn't seem to bother Dean as he just stared. When he came too, he found that he had spent a long time thinking and reflecting. Dean sighed and lifted his head. He stood and figured there was nothing else to do but turn in.
So once again he washed up the dishes and cleaned the kitchen before turn out all the lights, shutting down the place and walking up the stairs with heavy footsteps and an equally heavy heart.
Quietly he opened the door, hoping not to disturb his sibling if he was was already asleep. Upon entering the bedroom he noticed that Sam had his back to the door apparently already fast asleep in his bed. Dean gave a mental sigh before trudging over to his own and sitting down, facing the door. He just stared at the door and wall unseeing. He wanted to break the silence that seemed oppressive to him.
Instead he sucked it up and stuffed it down. He blinked his eyes. He was not going through that again. Once was enough.
He refused to go through it again!
He sniffed and shifted on his bed.
It was then he noticed it.
He blinked.
And blinked again.
He glanced at Sam briefly before blinking........at the newspaper bunched up on his pillow.
Dean twitched. He didn't remember it being there before. In fact, he knew there wasn't a newspaper on his pillow before. He bit back a growl, it seems little things were bothering him now, as he snatched it up.
Only to see a box.
A box.......with newspaper....acting as a wrapper.
Dean looked at the newspaper in his hand that was covering it before looking back at the wrapped item.
Gingerly he picked it up and studied it. He turned it over in his hands a couple of times and glanced over his shoulder at his brother, who have not moved from his spot.
There was no name on it, but it was on his bed so that had to mean that it was for him.
Dean frowned. It wasn't his birthday or Christmas. And there wasn't any way a demon or anything else for that matter could get into this house without their knowledge, not that he'd expect a present from any of them.
Unless it was a bomb or something.
Quickly, Dean brought it up to his ear just to be on the safe side. He satified himself on the fact it wasn't a bomb and lowered the item.
Sooooo...... what was it?
Dean shrugged and slowly he began to open it. A box lay in his hands as he set the wrapper aside. He stared at the box a moment before proceeding to open it slowly.
He nearly dropped the box in surprise, for inside sat something that he had pinned over for days.
He just stared at it before he spun his neck around so fast he was sure he might have gotten whiplash.
He turned to face this brother to find that Sam was now laying on his side looking at him. Dean stared at the younger male. There was a little light coming from the window and Dean saw the tear tracked face of his brother.
"Have you been crying?" Dean asked his voice husky from disuse.
"You like it?" Sam asked softly instead avoiding the question.
Dean stared at his brother a moment before looking back down at the item in the box. "But......but how........it looks exactly like the other one", Dean stuttered as he physically got up take a seat on the other side of the bed, facing Sam entirely, the box still in his hand.
Although this eased something within Dean's heart it would never truly be replaced.
The original could never be replaced.
"That's because it is", Sam said closing his eyes.
It took a moment for Dean to process that. So that meant..... "What?" he croaked out.
Sam shifted his head on his pillow, his eyes not reopening as he said rather evenly, "I retrieved it from the garbage after you left."
"........" Dean looked down at the box where the amulet lay.
"I couldn't let it stay there. I just couldn't do that. So I kept it, out of sight, out of mind, hoping that maybe one day, you'd want it back", Sam explained.
"........"
Sam let out a chuckle at the prolonged silence, "I thought you hated silence."
"........"
Sam opened his eyes to see Dean just staring at him, unblinking almost. He furrowed his eyebrows at this unexpected behavior as he sat up and leaned on his knees. "Hey, Dean, you alright?" he asked.
Dean looked away emotion clogging his voice and eyes. Sam stood and took a seat next to his brother.
"Hey, hey.......come on", Sam said as he took the box and pulled out the amulet out. He tossed the box on his bed and held out the amulet to his brother......
...........Who was not even looking at him at the moment.
"Say something, man", Sam begged lowering his arm after a moment, still cradling the amulet.
"Sure, you want to give that back to me?" Dean asked his voice thick with emotion.
"Dean......." Sam drawled.
"OW!" Dean cried after a moment had passed. He turned to his brother, one hand reaching up to clutch his head, "What the heck, man?"
"I tried to not to hit you, but since it seems getting knocked up the head is all you understand here lately, then I shall forgo not hitting you, and hit you. Besides you've wanted me to hit you upside the head for the past couple days, so don't whine now!" Sam snapped, though there was a lightness in his eyes.
Dean looked at him wide-eyed. It was near comical.
"Now....... take the thing and either put it on or tell me you don't want it and I'll put it up until a day you feel you can wear it. I'd like to go to bed soon, so don't take all night in your decision", Sam said, though Dean saw the humor in his eyes.
Sam held the amulet up expectantly and Dean watched it shine in the night, calling to him. Slowly he reached up his hand and clutched it; Sam released his end allowing it to fall to its rightful owner. Dean opened his hand and took a moment to glaze at it fondly.
"Why.........did you keep it?" Dean asked. He had to know. He hadn't expect Sam to fish it out of the can and keep it.
"I couldn't let you go."
And that answer was good enough for Dean.
They sat in silence for a bit, a rather thoughtful get comfortable silence.
"You had it all this time?" Dean asked finally.
Sam let out a sigh and lowered his glaze. "Yeah, I didn't want to give it to you until I was sure that you really wanted it. When you kept beating yourself up over this, I knew it was time to return it to you. That and......."
Dean looked up at his brother. "And...?" he prompted.
Sam shrugged. "In a way......I was.....fooling myself. I had to fool myself."
"What do you mean?"
"I, uh......" Sam paused and Dean didn't rush him. Finally Sam felt he was able to make a coherent statement, "What you said earlier, about me not snapping when you threw it away. That isn't entirely true."
"........"
Sam knew that silence was a prompt to go on, though he still stared down at the carpet in front of him:
"The only way I could deal with what happened was to pretend that it didn't matter. That if we got you back in your right mind, then that would be the only thing that mattered. But when you kept.......pushing the issue..........that wall, bubble whatever you wish to call it, that I had successful been able to build.....kept breaking......and I didn't want that. I didn't want to go back to that day. Not when........."
Sam's voice broke and cleared his throat, "So that's why I didn't want to talk about it. I had convinced myself that it didn't matter....I had to so that I could keep going with my sanity intact...but finally it broke and.........."
Sam let out a shaky chuckle, "I couldn't pretend anymore. I couldn't pretend that what happened didn't matter.......that just getting you back was all that mattered; that it would even be enough, you know.......?" Sam breathed shakily and shut his eyes, pressing them together tightly.
It was barely a moment before Sam felt an arm drap over his shoulder and slowly he began to relax, grateful for the contact. He breathed trying to control himself. They just sat in silence as Sam got himself together. Dean only watched with soft eyes, not rushing his sibling only being there for him as he promised he would. Finally when Sam was able to feel more in control he gave a quiet sigh and opened his eyes slightly. He smiled lightly. He was able to push the tears that threaten to fall. He figured by now he would have cried himself dry.
"I do." came the simple delayed reply.
They sat like that for awhile, enjoying what they both had not had for a long time, until finally Dean pulled his arm away. Sam looked up and watched as Dean took the straps of the amulet and placed it over his head. It fit snugly on his chest, happy to be back home.
And Dean felt that missing piece return to him.
He still have mending to do, lots of mending but he felt as if things finally stood a better chance than it did before.
Sam smiled softly, his eyes misting over slightly. He blinked. "Glad to have you back, Dean", Sam said equally soft looking at the amulet that twinkled in the night. He reached out and flipped it, watching it land back on his brother's chest, his way of reassuring himself it was back where it belongs. He looked away, hiding the relief that threatened to spill out of his eyes.
He had never thought this day would come.
Dean smiled softly as he watched his brother, the guilt he was carrying lessening greatly. He would always feel some guilt for everything, but now it was at a tolerable level. He knew now, he would just have to make sure that he took more care this time around.
Dean would never let this amulet go. Dean looked down at the amulet watching it for a moment.
Then he looked back at Sam.
Just as he would never let Sam go.
"Soooo..........., b*****, leave it to you to get dramatic with this gift giving", Dean grinned feeling more himself than he had in a long time, as he reached for the box and held in his hand, "A red box.........how off'ly kind of you." he said in a silly (and not good) British accent.
Sam looked up at Dean, amusement in his eyes though he snorted, "Don't start, you jerk, it was lying around and it was the perfect size. It's not my fault it's red."
"Sam you could have just wrapped the amulet up in newspaper and let that do. You did that the first time."
"Excuse me, for trying to do something nice for you.", he muttered under his breath but loud enough for Dean to hear.
Truthfully, Sam wanted it to be special when he returned it back to Dean. He owed that much. That's why he looked for a box or something suitable to put it in. He didn't want to just hand something that was precious to the both of them back in just a shady piece of newspaper. It bothered him on so many levels. But of course he didn't need to let his brother know that.
But honestly, he suspected that Dean knew.
"Aww, come on, you know you love me!" Dean teased.
"I'm starting to regret this", Sam grumbled good naturally, as he pushed at Dean's shoulder.
Dean pushed back playfully. "Next time you give me a present make sure it's wrapped with a bow. That would really complete the essemble. Open the wrapping and it's wrapped with a bow. A pink bow....would go nicely with this shade of red, Samantha. "
"Are you serious? And it's Sam. What.....are you some kind of expert on gift wrapping now? A bow and pink at that? At this rate, you won't be getting any other presents, ever!" Sam growled standing up and laying back in his bed his back to Dean. He couldn't help the smile that played on his face.
Dean stood with a grin, walking to the bathroom. He paused and turned to chucked the box at the lying figure. It bounced off Sam's temple, making his hand fly up to his head. He lifted his head and glared at Dean's retreating figure.
"Jerk!" he called.
Dean was in the bathroom and he called back, "B****" before closing the door on any other conversation. He heard a clink, as he figured Sam tossed the box at the door and it bounced off. Dean chuckled at this.
He stood in the mirror, after he turned the light on staring at his reflection or more accurantly, a piece of his reflection.
It sparkled in the light. He was sure it was glowing.
He knew it was Sam's gig to hog the mirror, but for that night, he would take that gig with an eagerness that he didn't normally have.
He couldn't help the fond grin as he reached up to grasp what was now there.
And it felt good to know that it was there.
That missing piece........that piece of himself, it had returned.
It was no longer a phantom.
And that in Dean's mind, was all that mattered right now.
So fell autumn rain and washed away all my pain
I feel bnghter somehow lighter somehow to breath once
again
So tell autumn rain washed my sorrows away
With the sunset behind somehow I find the dreams are
to stay
So fell winter
--- Lake of Tears - So Fell Autumn Rain
.
.
Fin.
A.N: Yay or rather awwww, I finished. I always feel a little sad after finishing stories like these. But on the bright side, look like the boys are back in business! =D
My final words on this:
I personally have no problem with the fact that Dean hasn't gotten the amulet back yet in the show. Wait!! Before you start throwing things, hear me out. I think it would be awesome if at the end of the season (or beginning of next at the latess---like within the first 10 minutes of the premiere) Sam gave Dean back his amulet. I mean we all know he fished it out of the garbage, there can be no other option there. For me personally it would symbolize a whole new beginning of something better. What better way to end the apocalypse then for them to get out of that mess, stand tall and for Sam to give Dean back what is rightfully his and walk into the sunset....no wait, the sunrise. A brand new beginning.....
Cheesy I know.
I can be that kind of person.
However, also I thought it would also be cool if Dean had gotten his amulet back at this point in time. Also a new beginning but very different kind of beginning. So thus, this story was born. And now if you wish to throw things, you may....right after I say....
Once again thanks for those that hanged around to read this story! I greatly appreciate it! *darts away*
