"Collected Drabbles"

by JVM-SP150

PRANK CALLS (Cartman/Wendy)

"So, so, come on, tell me what happened!" Bebe Stevens insisted eagerly, sitting on her bed next to her best friend Wendy Testaburger. Bebe had long, curly blonde hair, striking blue eyes and was currently wearing a red jacket with gray trim. "What happened!?"

Wendy Testaburger's black hair rested on her shoulders, pink beret drooping over her face, brown eyes at the floor as she blushed, "Nothing happened, Bebe, Jesus..."

"Come on Wendy, tell me!" Bebe insisted, grinning, "What happened?"

"Well..."

xXx

"All right, while me and Deborah go talk in the other room, you kids be good now, all right?" the middle-aged but still curvy Liane Cartman said, suited, dark-haired Deborah Testaburger at her side looking stern. Cartman, fat as ever held a halo over his brown-haired head as Wendy rolled her eyes. "You be a good snugglebug okay?" she kissed her son on the forehad and left Wendy and Cartman alone in the living room of the house.

"...Snugglebug, huh?"

"Shut up, ho." Cartman scowled. "Look, you go do your stupid thing, I'm gonna take advantage of being in someone else's house." he said, picking up the phone and dialing, grinning.

Wendy crossed her arms incredulously, "What do you think you're doing?"

"Making a prank call." Cartman stuck out on his tongue, "Hello?" he put the phone on speaker.

"Who's there?" Mr. Mackey asked, "It says private number, m'kay."

"Hey, Mackey, is your refrigerator running?"

"Very funny, I know this one, m'kay, it's not!" Mackey lied.

"...well, this is Sears Home Repair, we'll be right over!" Cartman covered the reciever and laughed his ass off.

"No, no, my refrigerator's running great, m'kay!"

"Then you better go catch it!" Cartman's stomach jiggled as he laughed. Wendy sneered and hung up, "Hey bitch, what's wrong? Everyone likes prank calls!"

"Eric, it's illegal, immoral and immature." Wendy crossed her arms, "...and you did it totally wrong and unprofessionally."

"Oh really? Show me how it's done then." Cartman handed her the phone, "If you're so much goddamn better than me, you do it!" Wendy looked down,

"I would never... demean myself to such a low... I don't need to prove anything to you!" There was a long pause as Cartman held out the phone, "...okay, you know what, I'll do it, but only as a learning experience, because education is important." she cleared her throat, dialed the number and picked up the phone,

"Yes, what the hell is it?" Mayor McDaniels answered grumpily. There were noises as if she was looking through something,

Wendy's voice sounded rather boyfish for the moment, "Good day, ma'am, my name is Arnold with National Pornographic, your subscription to the Jugs of the World franchise is up on the 30th, we're going to need you to send us a check for about $49.99 for another year's subscription if you want the next 6 episodes. We also regret to inform you that the Shemale Gangbang series has been discontinued."

"Are you sure it's the 30th? I'm pretty sure my subscription was set to last through the end of October this year. And I told you last time I wanted to switch out Shemale Gangbang for Naughty Nurses!" Cartman couldn't tell if the professional, nonchalant way the Mayor addressed it made it funnier, or just the fact she watched any porn to begin with.

"I'm terribly sorry, ma'm, I'll fix that right away." Wendy smirked, "Have you considered checking out our new series International Incest series? It's become quite a hit."

"Frankly sir, you're a sick bastard." the Mayor replied, "Anyone who will charge that far up the ass for some foreign taboo tapes that are already online is goddamn insane."

"All right, one more question - may I interest you in Backdoor Sluts XIV? It's the most hardcore installment since the ninth one." Wendy explained. Cartman was frankly impressed with Wendy's knowledge of pornography. (John, on the other hand, is slightly scared at this point.)

"No, thanks, I'd rather just rent that one from the Twin Towers video store." the Mayor said dismissively, "Just make the changes I asked for last time and I'll send in the friggin' check. Now leave me alone." she hung up, crossed her arms and rolled her eyes. People these days...

"Damn, ho, that was pretty good... hey, let's try doing this next one together. Any suggestions?" Cartman asked. He was ready to dial.

"I have just the idea." Wendy smirked, whispering into his ear.

"Oh my God, that is fucking perfect." Cartman grinned, dialing the number.

"Broflovski residence, Sheila speaking. Who is this?" Sheila asked, holding the phone up. Cartman held back laughter, doing his best Jew voice... which was actually pretty crappy, this is Cartman dammit.

"Hello ma'am, my name is Ernest Puddspucker, me and my wife would like to speak with a Mr. Dean Wall please." he said. Wendy had no qualms, this was only a prank call after all.

"I'm sorry sir, there isn't a Dean Wall here, sir."

Wendy took the phone, using a light accent, "Well then, ma'am, may we speak to a Mrs. Joanne Wall, please?"

"There isn't a Joanne Wall here either..." Sheila said, starting to get suspicious.

"Well, are there any Walls there?" Cartman asked, trying to hold back a chuckle. Wendy was holding her hand over her mouth.

"No, not a single one. This is the Broflovski residence, I said that when you picked up."

"Then what's holding your roof up?" Cartman and Wendy said at the same time, before bursting into laughter and tears.

"What what what! I'll have you know under the Telecommunications Act of 1996 I can have both of the two of you arrested for this!" Sheila said angrily, "This will not stand, Mr. and Mrs... hold on a second..." her voice became distant, "GERALD, THE CALLER ID ISN'T WORKING!" Cartman shrugged and hung up,

"Oh my God, did you hear her? What a stupid bitch!" Cartman laughed, "You know though, you're actually pretty good at this... for a ho, I mean, heh." Cartman replied.

"Yeah, thanks, you're not so terrible yourself... for a fat piece of shit." Wendy smirked.

Liane walked back into the room, "Poopeskins, it's time to go home. Say goodbye to your little friend." she advised. Cartman shrugged and waved Wendy off carelessly now that the fun and games were over. Wendy shrugged as well, standing with her mother and waving them off, "We'll be seeing you again soon." Liane told them as she walked out with Cartman, approaching the car, "Did you have fun tonight, snugglebug?"

"You know what mom?" Cartman said, "...hell no, Wendy's a stupid bitch!" he told her, taking his seat and looking out the window and taking out his cell phone, "I'm just, uh, gonna make a call right hyah." he explained, dialing Wendy's number with a typical *69. Finally, he got an answer, "Is this Wendy's?" he asked.

"Uh, yeah, this is Wendy."

"Oh great... well, let's see I'd like one Cheeseburger-"

xXx

"...and we basically exchange prank calls to each other all the time." Wendy shrugged, "We don't even hide each other's numbers half the time anymore and we get a good laugh... and it means I don't have to prank call anyone else if I have an idea, so no skin off my bones." she smirked.

"Awwh, Wendy finally found her match!" Bebe grinned, "Lucky you!"

"Oh, stop it Bebe, I don't even like him." Wendy rolled her eyes.

"Wendy and Cartman sitting in a tree, F-"

"Cut it out Bebe!" Wendy began to blush, "We're just partners in prank calling is all, it's nothing more than that!"

"Pfft, we'll see." Bebe rolled her eyes, "Anyway, let's talk about something else, since you clearly don't want to discuss Cartman since you like him so much!" she chuckled.

"Oh shut up. Now come on, tell me what you think about this Crackle Nail Polish..."