Chapter 9

You're Not as Brave as You Were at the Start

I drove even though my vision was clouded with tears. At first I didn't have a destination. I just knew that I needed some space. And shortly my grumbling stomach forced me to finally pick a destination. It didn't matter where, I knew that in the end I would just end up throwing it all up anyway. I pulled into Taco Bell for a quick meal I managed to keep the tears back during my meal. Not as if everyone couldn't see my swollen bloodshot eyes that were the tell tale signs of my tears. I did get several worried glances but was otherwise left alone. As I got up to leave my phone rang. It was Edward. I ignored the call and got back into my truck.

My next destination was a familiar one. I found myself sitting in my truck again staring at the building that brought all the stress and misery into my life. But this time I didn't hesitate. I opened my door and walked up to the front door. I did hesitate there, my hand shaking as it touched the cool metal of the doorknob. After a few deep breaths I pulled the door open and stepped in. I closed my eyes and waiting for the freak out to begin. But by some miracle I was able to open my eyes and move to the new window. It wasn't open as it used to be. It was now covered in Plexiglas with small holes to facilitate talking and a small slit on the counter just enough to fit your hand through to pass through some papers. "Hello," I was greeted by an unfamiliar face that was far too happy. I read the name tag (those were new since I left too) that hung from around her neck, Leslie. "How can I help you?"

"I, uh, is Esme here?" I asked my voice not nearly as shaky as I thought it would be.

"Ummm," she she sighed and bit her lip nervously. "I think she may be out to lunch."

"Her car is in the lot," I informed her.

"Oh," she breathed. "Just give me a sec?" she said as she picked up the phone. "Who should I say is asking for her?"

"Bella," I said softly. "Bella Swan."

I could see Leslie's smile falter for just about one second, I assume she recognized the name. I was really beginning to hate that. She held the phone to her ear for about 30 seconds before she returned her attention to me. "I'm sorry. She's not answering. She must be in some kind of a meeting. When she's done I'll tell her you stopped by or would you care to leave a message?"

"Tell her to call me, Bella Swan, when she gets a chance. I have a few things to discuss with her. So, yeah, please just tell her to call me," the words rushed from me and I quickly walked back out the door just as my hands began to shake. I don't know why I continue to torture myself. I throw up in the bushes and sulk back to the car. I sit for a few minutes and think. I don't like the things I'm thinking of so I stop. As I drive aimlessly my stomach rumbles. I feel like I'm constantly eating because I am constantly throwing up. I hate being pregnant. I drive through McDonald's and gorge myself once again. And then I begin to think. I again don't like the things I am thinking of but can't help myself. I am tired and should go back to Edward's and finally get that nap I've been craving. Or maybe just go to bed and call it a day but when I get back to my car I found myself driving in the other direction. I'm still not done torturing myself.

My third destination however was unfamiliar. It also left me terrified. And throwing up in the parking lot did nothing to settle my fears.

I sat in the little cubicle fidgeting uncontrollably. I crossed and uncrossed my legs. I messed with my hair, up in a ponytail then back down, no, back up. I folded and unfolded my hands. I rapped my fingers on the small ledge in front of me. I did everything I could to keep myself from looking around. I did everything I could to keep myself in the small uncomfortable seat. It took everything I had to stay in the large room that still seemed way too small. I heard the loud buzzer and looked up to the ceiling. Would there be enough time to sneak out? I wished that at that moment I could run away like the scared little girl I felt like. But I put on my brave face, folded my hands, stared straight ahead and held my surging emotions in.

"So it is true," he responds as he sits in front of me. The very sound of his voice makes my skin crawl. I've become such a pussy. I sit back in the chair a little, trying to find some comfort and maybe appear a little more confident. "I thought the gauds were fucking with me. I never expected to receive one, let alone two visitors today. And I especially thought that you would be the last person to ever visit me." I sit silently unsure of what to say. I'm not even sure I fully understand why I'm here. "So what brings you here?"

I shrug my shoulders. "I'm not sure." I lick my lips and exhale heavily. Suddenly the Plexiglas separating us doesn't seem like enough and I shift uncomfortably. "I have a lot of things to sort out and I can't do that alone. And I guess you're the only one I can speak honestly to right now.

He laughs and the sound makes me shrink away slightly. "And you're coming to me for advice? I didn't think I could do anything to get under your skin. But here you sit, fucked up enough to come and visit the man that tried to kill you and pretty much everyone you know and ask for advice."

I shake my head. "Not advice, James. Closure. I need closure."

Again he laughs. "You called me James."

"That is your name," I say softly. "I thought calling you Nemo would be... I don't know. That part of your life is over." I know it's not much but reminding him that the life he knew and loved is over was all I could think of to get to him. I long to be able to hurt him. To give him nightmares. Like he had done to me. And while I said it I tried to hide my fear by glaring at the man that had caused me so much pain.

"Yes, you're right," he sighed softly but his smile remained. "I suppose you calling me James now is much more fitting." There was a silence that fell between us. It made me even more uncomfortable. "You're boyfriend came to see me today."

"Jacob?" I breathed. What the fuck was he doing visiting this asshole? Especially after breaking up with him this morning. "Jacob came to see you?" I asked again still in shock. It didn't make sense. I bit my lower lip and suddenly anger bubbled up inside of me. If I ever see that asshole, Jacob, again I am going to kill him. "It's a pain in the ass to visit an inmate. All sorts of dumb fucking rules that don't even make sense. I had to take off all my jewelry. I can't wear T-shirts with logos or designs or writing on them. I can't wear skirts above my knees. I can't show cleavage. I had to prove I was wearing a bra because god fucking forbid my nipples somehow manage to poke through this oversized sweatshirt and set one of you guys off. But it better not be an under wire bra because it much might set off the metal detectors. I had to sign papers and waivers and god knows what else," I ranted hardly pausing long enough to take a breath. "Why I went through it all? I'm not really sure. Because now that I am here, I wish I would have just stayed at home today. But at least I had a reason. I needed this. I wanted closure. I needed to put an end to all this. I needed to box all this shit-oh, wait, I'm not supposed to curse while in here. I need to box all this... stuff up so I can finally stop dwelling on it. I need to move on with my life. But Jacob?" I spat his name, lacing it full of spite. "He had no reason. None of this concerns him. We're done. I broke up with him. But he was just that goddamn selfish and desperate for answers that he came to you.

"Now, now, darling. Calm down," James said as he leaned forward. I drew back as he grinned at me. "Who is Jacob?"

XXXXX

Alice was right. The make shift bed was surprisingly comfortable. I laid on my side staring at Edward. His eyes were trained on me. Neither one of us was tired. We should be after everything that has happened over the past few hours. But the adrenaline continued to pump through our veins keeping our eyes wide open. He leaned into me and pressed his lips to his. This is how it was going for the past... I don't know hour or so we had been here. It started out fast and full of passion but we slowly cooled down and were now reduced to gentle kisses and soft looks. But it kept our minds off of the three people with guns holding us hostage.

"It looks my better," Edward finally interrupted our silence in a hushed whisper.

"Huh?" I questioned. I may not have been sleeping but I was zoned out.

"Your eye," he responded. "It looks better. The swellings gone down now it's just a little bruised." He hooked away sadly. "I'm sorry."

I rolled my eyes. It wasn't his fault but he would never be able to see it that way. "I said it's okay. You were just doing what you were told. You didn't have a choice then. But you do now. You should stay away from me," I pleaded again. "Save yourself the guilt and make sure that something like this doesn't happen to you."

"And I told you that I can't do that." He shook his head and gently touched my arm.

"Stop," I pleaded, pulling away from him.

"No, Bella, you need to stop." He growled moving closer to me. "You pull me in. You use these beautiful words and powerful looks and strong emotions and you make me care. You make me forget about the life I have outside of here. You make me realize that, like you, I've just been going through the motions of life. And I want to stop that. I want something real. I want you. You make me want to be with you. Really be with you, Bella. This is not the adrenaline talking. This is me talking." He reached his arms out to me, cupping my face and forcing my eyes to stay on his. "This is me pouring my heart out to you. This is me acting like a lovesick teenage fool. This is me falling in love with you." He gnawed on his lower lip before he continued. "And as soon as I think that we're both on the same page. That we both want the same thing. You push me away again."

"Because we can't do this," I whispered. "This is wrong. You love Tanya. Out of the billions of women in the world, you fell in love with her. You choose her. And I'm sure it wasn't a spur of the moment kind of thing like this is right now. You met her and you dated her and you fell in love. You pictured your life and saw her in it. I'm just a distraction. A diversion from all this shit going on right now. And that's okay. Because I need it too right now. I'm using you to forget about..." I looked away from him.

"But you said you cared about me," he argued.

"Yes, I did. I do. But I also care about Alice and Jasper and everyone else trapped in here with us. But do you see me declaring my love for them? No. Because that is stupid. You're not in love with me."

"I know I'm not in love with you yet. I never said I was. I said I was falling in love with you. When I think about what I want to do when I get out of here... it's you I see. I see going home and being able to go on a date with you. I want to forget all about this place and treat you like you should be treated. No more sneaking in the girls bathroom to kiss or hiding in the corner like this. I want to be with you and make a life for you and make you forget all about what just happened back there."

"Yeah, that sounds nice but it's not possible," I argued. "I'm never going to forget about this place. And neither will you. When we get out of here... you're going to go back to Tanya you are going to fall back into that life. And when you see me. You're going to regret everything. Every kiss and every touch. Every single thought you had. Because you love your life. And no matter what you feel right now. Things will be so much different out there. You aren't going to feel the need to protect me and to save me. I'm not going to be a damsel in distress. I'm just going to be another sad girl that you feel sorry for. All you'll have for me is pity. And you won't want to see me because you'll feel guilty and because you'll feel sad. I'll remind you of all this evil. There is no romance in that. So stop trying to force it. Let's just go with it for now and when we get out of here... we'll forget all about it and move on."

Edward opens his mouth to protest but is stopped when we heard a shrill shriek come from Alice. "Bella!" she screamed, her voice scared and frantic. I held his gaze for another few seconds before I shook him off and ran to my best friend. "Something's wrong." She held her arms out towards me showing off the limp infant.

I could feel all the color and warmth suddenly drain from my body as I ran out of the room. My feet felt like they were cinder blocks, heavy and hard to move. "Nemo!" I shouted but my voice sounded weak.

He suddenly appeared in front of me with a sly smile. "Haven't had enough of me yet?"

I ignored him. "You have to let someone go."

He laughed in my face. "Not happening, sweetheart," he said as he ran his fingers through my hair. "Like I've said, we're all in this to the end."

I shook my head, trying to find the calm and strength I needed to convince him. "One of the babies is sick."

"Not like you haven't dealt with that before," he snapped and turned his back to me.

"It's not like that," I insisted, grabbing his arm. "She needs to get to a hospital."

He laughed me off. "You re-inflated someone's lung in a daycare office and you're scared of a sick baby?"

"I can't help her. She needs medicine," I almost begged. "Her parents only leave us with enough for two doses. She had both yesterday."

"And you expect me to believe that if I don't let her go she will die? What the hell can a baby have that would do that?"

"Dilated Cardiomyopathy," I explained in a mad rush. "She had surgery when she was three months old. She has the chest scar to prove it. And to keep her heart functioning properly she gets 3 milligrams of Captopril 3 times every day. If she misses a dose it will become difficult for her to breathe and her heart will begin to race. We are past that part. We are to the part where she loses unconscious. And if she doesn't get medical help or at the very least another dose of her medication she will have a heart attack. A 15-month-old baby girl will have a heart attack and she will die. And you will have fucked every chance you have at ending this well."

Nemo stared at me blankly. "Well, we certainly wouldn't want anyone to be fucked now do we?" he eyed me suggestively. There was a short pause where he expected me to react. And when I didn't he responded casually, "No. I don't think so."

"She's going to die," I argued.

"We all do eventually," he shrugged. "Some earlier than other's. You just keep that in mind."

XXXXX

My brow knitted together in confusion. "Jacob didn't come to see you? So what? You're just lying? Trying to get under my skin again?"

"No," James responded, shaking his head. "I got to know you pretty well over those, what was it? Three days? I never heard you mention anyone."

"Why would I explain myself to you?"

He shrugged. "I just thought that it would have come up."

I scoffed loudly. "That's the sort of thing that friends talk about. And in case you've forgotten, we're not friends. We are the exact opposite of friends," I seethed.

"You also never mentioned him to any of your friends. Especially when you were sneaking off to the corner trying to find the perfect time to fuck the guy who is not your boyfriend." He sat silent for a moment letting it sink in. Then he continued, "And usually when I hold a gun to some ones head, they try to plead with me, appeal to my more human side and remind me of what they have to lose if I kill them. You never did. You just stood there almost begging me to pull the trigger. I think that's why I could never do it. You had so much fight in you. I found it very... thrilling. You were a challenge. And I've always liked a good challenge."

I tried to block out most of what he's said. He is trying to manipulate me. "Stop trying to get inside my head. It didn't work before and it's not going to work now."

"But it works so well on your boyfriend," he smirked.

"You just said you didn't know Jacob."

James shrugged. "I know. I'm not talking about Jacob. But since we're on the subject, what does your dear Jacob think about-"

"Jacob and I broke up. I broke up with him," I explained quickly. "So let's stop talking about him."

"I'm not the one that brought him up," he said nonchalantly.

"I know you're trying to use some kind of psychology against me, but it's not working. All you're doing is confusing me. You bring up my boyfriend, or ex-boyfriend but then you deny it?"

"I brought up Edward. You brought up Jacob," he corrected.

"What does Edward have to do with any of this?" I shout, growing annoyed with James and his games.

"He came to see me this morning. I've become very popular amongst your little group of friends. I hear you even have a support group.:

"I didn't come to talk about this." I shake my head and look down at the tabletop. I twisted my fingers nervously.

"What did you come to talk about? The little bundle of joy you're expecting?"

My eyes shot up and grew wide with shock and fear. "How did you know?"

"You're boyfriend told me."

"Stop calling him that!" I saw the guards look to me and eye me with suspicion. I look back to the table, trying to calm myself.

"Now, now, Bella." James shakes his head in disapproval. "Don't get upset. It's not good for the baby."

I take a few deep breaths still trying to calm my nerves. "You don't get to talk about this baby. You have nothing to do with this baby."

"That's not what Edward seems to think." He smirks at me again and it makes my stomach twist uncomfortably in knots. "It seems as though he has come across some information about my dearly departed friend Laurent. He was good at following directions and had no fear but he never was very bright. He thought that if he had a vasectomy that there would be no DNA left behind after he... well, I'm sure you know all about it. You did get to know him on that sort of personal level, didn't you?" I hold my breath as my body seems to freeze. "It didn't remove his DNA but it did make him incapable of having children thank God." He looked deeply into my eyes and I had to look away. "I'm sure that's at least some good news for you." There was another pause where he waited for my response. But I didn't have one. "But on with the story Edward came to curse me out mostly. But he ended by telling me that I was going to be a father and he wanted to know what it felt like to have a piece of me out there but never being able to see it." He paused again, but I still refused to respond. I just tried to shrink away and blend in with the seat and become invisible. That would solve a lot of problems for me right now. "I found the question so odd that I had to laugh and ask him the same thing."

"Shut up," I finally spoke. My voice was weak, hardly loud enough for him to hear.

"So I take it you've been holding out on him."

"Stay out of it."

"And I hear that you two have moved in together. How sweet. His fiancee isn't getting in the way, is she? I have the number for a very good guy who could solve that problem for you if you've got the cash. He'll even make it look like an accident."

"I don't have to justify myself to you. I came here for closure. Not to talk about my life. Not like you even care anyway. You're just collecting little bits and pieces of me to use against me.

James smirked, rested his arms on the table and leaned across, his face right up against the glass only inches away from mine. "I'm in prison, sweetheart. What good will that do?"

"I don't know!" I shouted, trying to keep my voice as low as possible. "It's just what you do."

"Well, how about I let you off the hook this visit."

"This visit?" I scoff. "What makes you think I'll ever come back."

James ignored me and glanced at the clock. "I will leave you with a small piece of advice."

"I don't need advice," I snapped bitterly. "Especially from you.

"Then why did you come?

"I told you, I needed closure."

"Hate to break it to you, but you already got your closure. In your eyes everyone got what was coming to them."

I shrugged. "Not everyone. You're still alive."

James smiled. "You had your chance to kill me but you didn't. If I really stopped to think about it, I'd bet you have developed some sort of feelings for me."

I slammed my fists down on the table. "You don't get to do that to me! Not anymore!"

"What's that called? Where you fall in love with your captor? Stockholm's Syndrome? You have a chance to get rid of me forever and you don't take it. You come visit me. You tell people you're pregnant with my child. I think that someone might have a little crush on me."

"Don't be stupid," I roll my eyes. "I didn't tell anyone it was your baby." I suck in my lower lip in nervousness. " I've only told two people that I'm pregnant. And I will never reveal the father of this baby. Because it doesn't matter. I try not to think about it because what it stands for... what happened... It didn't come from love or any sort of good circumstances. And that's all that really matters. For all intents and purposes this child has no father. Even if I keep it. Which God knows I shouldn't. You know, I don't have to explain myself. Not to you or to anyone. I don't know why I came." I gripped the table, wanting to stand and run away.

"You came," James smirks, "Not to explain things to me. Because I have already figured all this stuff out. But to figure things out for yourself." He leaned back in his chair. "And you and I both know what that baby stands for. And don't bullshit me and try to tell me that I'm wrong. I can already see it in your eyes. You've made up your mind and you've gone and fallen in love like the poor pathetic little sap you are. And if you weren't going to keep the baby, you would have already done it."

"Two minutes," the guard booms loudly.

"You know nothing about me," I speak through clenched teeth.

"Really?" He raises his eyebrow. "Because I can see right through you. Do yourself a favor and get out while you still can. One way or the other."

"What are you talking about?" I ask, as I shake my head.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about. You're keeping the baby. You're breaking up with Jacob. You're moving out. And moving in with Edward and his family. Seems like someone is getting their hopes up. Tell me, are your feelings being reciprocated?"

"What?" I scoff. "I don't know what I'm doing with the baby. Right now I'm leaning towards adoption. But I don't know. And Jacob... that was already a sinking ship. And none of this has anything to do with you." I look at the clock and watch the seconds tick by.

"And no matter how many times you tell me that you don't have to explain yourself to me, you do anyway. Why is that?" He smiles when I don't respond. "Did you get the closure you were looking for?"

I frown. "Not exactly."

"Because this trip wasn't really about me, was it?"

"What else would it be about?"

"You're a very good liar. You've even gotten yourself convinced." He smiles. "You're a lot like me. You'd make a good criminal."

"I am nothing like you!"

James raises an eyebrow. "Really? I see too many similarities to count. Stubborn. Crafty. Intelligent. Bitter. Angry. Charming. Strong. Magnificent liar. And you're very capable of murder." By then I was in tears.

"Times up," the guard announces loudly. "Inmates stand."

"Sorry, sweetheart. We'll have to continue this next time.

"Fuck you," I cried as I watched him back away and out the door to return to his cell.

"Are you alright, miss?" The prison guard asked as he approached me when I haven't filtered out of the room like everyone else.

I couldn't find the words to I just nod. I just needed a minute to get myself back under control. After a few more questioning glances from the guard who was very eager to get rid of me, I rose to my feet and got to my car as quickly as I was capable. As soon as I was in my truck I break down. I sob hysterically for what seems like forever. When the tears finally slow to nothing more than a soft whimpering flow I start my truck. By then it was near dark, the sun was falling behind the horizon and if I wasn't such a mess I would appreciate the beauty of the moment. The colors of the sky were really lovely but I don't care. Tears still fall but it was soft and lacked the loud sobs that would give me away. So I drive back to Edward's. They are all sitting at the dinner table when I walk in.

"Good, you made it!" Tanya exclaims as she sets a wooden bowl full of salad on the table. "We saved you a place," she says gesturing to her left.

I shake my head. "I don't-I'm not..." I sniffle as I feel the tears well up again. They look so painfully cute. Man, woman and child gathering around the table for a well balanced dinner. It's like a goddamn Norman Rockwell painting. Everyone is smiling and happy. Their lives are perfect. I am never going to have this. "I'm tired," I excuse myself, my voice cracking as I back away.

Their smiles fade as I feel the first tear slip down my cheek. "Bella, what happened?" Edward asks in a panic. "Where were you?" He gets to his feet and I put up my hand to signal him to back off and surprisingly he stops. I shake my head and wipe at the tears in vain they will just keep falling anyway.

Tanya ignores her fiance as I have and turns her attention to me. "Are you okay?" her voice is dripping with concern. I really wish she would make it easy for me to hate her. But no, she has to be the nicest fucking woman I've ever met.

I shake my head and look away ashamed. "I'm fine. I just... I don't know." I turn my back and begin to walk away.

"Bella," Edward calls after me and I hear his foot steps come to me from behind. And that makes the tears fall harder and faster.

"Edward, stop!" Tanya snaps at him. I turn back around to find her glaring at him. "Can't you see that she doesn't want to do this right now? Do you?" she directs the last question at me. I simply shake my head. "Is there anything I can do for you?" she offers politely, her eyes shift to Edward for a second, giving him the hint on how it-I- should be handled.

"You can stop being so nice to me." The words fly from my mouth and I instantly regret them.

"I'll do my best for now," she says softly. "Because I'm sure that's just the hormones talking right now. It looks like you've had a long day. You can tell me in the morning if you'd still rather me be not so nice to you." She lifts her fork to her mouth and takes a bit of her salad. Edward sits down and follows her direction and begins eating his pasta.

"I'm sorry," I apologize. "I don't know where my mind is at."

"I know," she says with a soft nod of her head.

"There is so much that..." I stop, now is not the time or the place. "I'm sorry. Enjoy your dinner."

"We'll talk later," she offers. "If you want."

I nod and retreat to my bedroom. I turn out the lights and I lay in the bed and close my eyes. As soon as I am settled in and alone the tears stop. I toss and I turn and I try everything I can think of to fall asleep but again I fail. My mind is too busy for sleep right now. I need to clear it before I go crazy. So I pick up my cell and dial. "Does your offer still stand?" I ask when he answers.

"What offer? Who is this?"

I ignore his questions. "Are you busy? I really need someone."

But he seems to have worked it out. "Yeah, sure. Is this a phone conversation or-?"

"No, I'm on my way," I say and grab my keys.