Okay my lovely readers, I know I promised a quick update..but even I didn't expect the urgency with which my muse urged me on to finish this chapter. This one is yet again all emotion, but don't worry Sam and Kara will have their time together, sometimes I worry that it is too much emotion….like I am writing a soap or something…but oh well, I have plenty of plans for this story yet to come, and even if I do end it I would like to do sequels..where the couple drop in for more angsty smuty goodness. No I don't own the boys, I don't make money..I just play with them…it's kinda like creating your own world, and you can be or do anything, and Kara at this point is a fun heroin to be, yummmmmm. Anyway please review any ideas or opinions are welcome. Love you all--LacAnn
I felt his hand come down on my shoulder and I turned with fire in my eyes- realizing at the last second I had lost all control of my emotions, and who knew what was gonna come out of my mouth.
'' Fuck you, Fuck you, fuck you FUCK YOU! I raged at him as the storm inside me beat up against my heart like a tiny ship in a bottle.
'' I thought that's what this was all about…fucking me'', he said this glibly as if it was a complete mystery to him why I was so pissed.
'' You left me…you fucken left me sitting at that bar, while I stared at the floor like an idiot…..I am such a fucken idiot…..you in the back room doing the waitress…..like it didn't matter that you left me…you left me Sam and I am such a fuckin idiot for letting you'' I said the last bit looking up into his eyes pleading with my own before I had to turn away again. I wasn't making much sense to him but I made perfect sense to me, and this was dangerous territory. My eyes were burning again with unshed tears, I cupped my chin in my hand waiting for him to say something, anything….so I could shoot it down, so I could find that anger again, it was so much easier with the anger.
'' Nothing happened with the waitress''. He spoke softly and I was still too afraid to turn and look into his eyes because he sounded genuinely hurt and confused. What the hell did he think I was, what else could he have been doing with her?
'' Why wouldn't it, it happened last night. Why would today be any different? I turned my back fully to him because I knew I was about to tell the biggest lie of all.
'' Besides- that's not why I'm angry''.
'' Then why don't you tell me what you're so angry about. You've been acting weird ever since I showed up at your door, you've been smart, mean, and in-between all I hear about is Dean…..I don't need to know how my brother rocked your world last night, I have ears you know and you are not the quietest of girls''. That bomb shell hung in the air and startled me back around to face him with a look of shock.
'' You were listening?'' I poked my finger into his chest and continued '' what- getting your jollies off to the sound of my voice, you might have well of joined us….why smack it off in the dark by yourself, and even after you had the waitress ?'' And then my eyes widened pooling into his as a wave of actualization hit me, he had gone three rounds last night- that's like the energizer fucking bunny. Sam was flaming red now and he looked like he'd come to some kind of decision, he seemed to shrink in on himself.
'' It was you…I couldn't stop thinking about…thinking about …..You'' he whispered the last words feverently, and my head snapped up so fast. Fuck him if he thought he was gonna play this game with me, pretending to care or not, and then blowing out of town on a tumble weed.
'' Fuck you…..and I've changed my mind…..'' I could feel the tears building as I got ready to make the next statement, but I was just gonna have to go cold turkey…..no more Sam, he was too dangerous '' I –don't-want-you….not anymore''. And I ran, crying so hard that I could barely see where I was going. I could hear Sam calling my name from behind me. I didn't even know the guy not really but my heart was hurting, it was throbbing with the tears, throbbing with each scuffed mark I made away from Sam…..when all I really wanted was to run towards him. But I would get over it right? In time I would forget him altogether…..he would become as faded as memories do. I tripped falling to my knees defeated, beaten, and wracked with my emotions- I sat shoulders quaking….what the hell was wrong with me. Sam was just a man in a world with faceless manys……surely there would be others.
I heard his quiet footsteps approaching from behind. We'll he'd come after me….now what?
'' Come to stare at the crazy girl?'' I asked through my tears. Sam rounded me and kneeled down in front of me, gathering me into his arms before I could protest, and I just didn't have the energy anyway. Smoothing his hands through my hair and down my back he made shushing noises, I leaned into the hard wall of his chest, his smell enveloping me, calming me. I felt him as if he was part of me already but had no energy to push away, let me pretend a little while longer; pretend he would always be here. I curled my fingers in the fabric of his shirt like I could hold him there forever, I knew I couldn't. I pushed away to look into his face again his eyes were poignant reflections of mine and they stung me deep inside. I tried to look away again but Sam had anchored my face in his large hands…so many emotions crawling along the surface, like peering into a vat of melting crayon the many colors swirled around each other, patterns innumerable. His eyes were wet as well now just down along the tips and gathered at the lashes, not quiet spilling over yet. My lip trembled beneath his fingertip as his attention was drawn there, and alarm shot up my spine like a rocket, he was going to kiss me if I didn't do something quickly. Get up I commanded my body, but my traitorous heart held me back. I remembered our kiss last night, it hadn't been bad, and surely a kiss would do no harm. Sam's lips were a breath away; I could taste his morning toothpaste in my mouth. Something deep and gurgling was welling up from inside my stomach a nest of butterflies had hatched and were making their way upward. Timidly Sam touched his lips to mine his tears spilling over to mix with mine, it was salty but sweet and I wondered if he actually did care, why else would he cry. I wound my fingers around his long neck playing with the soft curls at his nape, and the kiss deepened…..became more demanding of me. I pulled away, it was too intense and I could feel his intensity pressing into my leg.
'' I can't do this'' I said leaping back, he looked so forlorn and his lap so empty without me there that I had to stop myself from jumping back into his arms.
'' Fine, but at least let me take you into work'' He said this softly and I wished he would just yell at me, call me a tease, a whore…anything that wasn't so resigned, so abandoned. And I felt like I owed him something for all that it was worth, so as we pulled up and I got out, I leaned back down into the window and replied to him.
'' You'll be leaving.'' Surprise and then understanding lit his features before finally settling back down to grudging acceptance.
'' Your right, I will'' and with a small sad smile Sam pulled away gravel shifting as he did.
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'' The deal is off'' Sam said irritably as he slammed in through the motel room door, surprising a barely awake Dean into sitting bolt upright in bed.
'' Good morning to you to'', Dean stated rubbing the sleep from his eyes and across his beard '' I think half the Motel heard your little hissy fit Sammy….now what is this about a deal being off''?
'' It's over, you win….Kara was putty in your hands'', Sam looked beyond irritated his usually calm demeanor cracked and leaking out all over the jello stained room.
'' What the hell are you talken about Sammy?''
'' Nothing, I just don't want to do this dumb contest anymore'', Sam sulked plopping down on the bed and looking up through his eyes to where Dean stood over him, hands on hips.
'' You can't just give up Sam, I thought you were finally gonna go for it this time, what's the matter she not attractive enough for your tastes?'' Dean crossed his arms his lips pouting out before curving up on the side.
'' Come on Sammy we had a deal…I can't let you just leave this one…not when I was in the lead''.
'' It's not always about the sex Dean, maybe I just changed my mind!'' Sam got up stalking across the room with a full on scowl.
'' There's no way you just changed your mind you kissed her last night…there must be some attraction there''.
Sam leaned against the wall trying to figure a way out of this without too much hassel from Dean, what could he possibly tell his older brother that would make the subject obsolete. Sam groaned, nothing there wasn't anything he could say to Dean that would cause his brother to drop the questioning, it wasn't in Dean's nature to not push all of Sam's hot buttons, to bug him until he knew the truth and Sam really didn't want him to know the truth. Besides, what was the truth, that he and Kara were scared, that they both knew he would have to leave, that he knew even better than her, that they could never
truly be involved. But that didn't stop him from wanting it, from wanting her. He could still taste her tears and he hadn't even understood why she was crying at the time…all he knew was that, it had something to do with him and he would do anything to make her feel better. He hadn't meant to kiss her, well maybe he had, but she hadn't stopped him, and he couldn't stop himself. Well the case was almost over if they went after that thing tonight..like they should have been doing last night, they could be out of here in no time, and the sooner the better. Setting his features into hard determination Sam looked stiffly into his brother's face wanting him to know without a doubt that he meant business that there would be no argument or questions, a look he didn't use often….it would be understood.
'' Look- we go after this thing tonight, if we're lucky we leave tomorrow'', Searching Sam's features Dean found there would be no dispute and so resolutely he crossed his arms and nodded his head.
'' Alright Sammy, we'll go after it tonight''. And the discussion was closed.
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Standing in the supply closet I gathered the materials necessary for the day, going through the motions without even having to dwell on each movement, I'd been at this job a long time, perhaps it was time to move on. But that was the problem I felt directionless the only direction I knew I wanted now was leaping like a faithful dog into the arms of Sam, and that option I had marked off limits. The words I used against him still stung in my mind echoing through the darkened corridors, the beginnings of a memory I wished to lock away. I felt kinda numb considering and I welcomed this at least I had stopped crying. How could I feel so much for this man I didn't even know? Dropping the two-ply from my trembling hands I bent to retrieve it when I knocked my head hard into the shelf bellow. That was gonna leave a big welt….great I thought external bruising to go with my internal. I rubbed at the goose egg promptly forming on my forehead, kneeling as a wave of feeling crashed over me. What the hell had I done to deserve such a miserable day, I could feel the tears start to gather once again…god I was just one giant ball of hormones today, when I followed the trail the of unrolled toilet paper to the same tree trunk legs I had seen that very first day. What was it with me and toilet paper? I let my eyes wander up the baggy denim jeans to the button down striped shirt, that was rolled up at the sleeves and down near the collar. He was staring at me a wretched sadness in his eyes and I wondered if mine looked the same. He didn't say anything it was like a web had been cast over us, neither moving, neither looking away.
Until his brothers head came popping around the corner, smile fixed in place as he looked from one of us to another, and the spell was broken. I started to gather back up the paper, while Sam clearing his throat looked quickly away.
''Look Kara, although the service last night was excellent, me and Sammy here'', Dean patted his brothers arm ignoring the uncomfortable blush that had crept up from beneath his brothers caller ''we're gonna be out for most of the day, so it would be nice if you could freshen the room a little, hopefully sasquatch here's falling tree stunt didn't leave too many stains.''
'' Sure Dean, leave it to me'', I said a little too brightly my cheeks spotting with crimson.
'' Hey, why don't you go get our bags to the car, I want to speak to Kara about something extra special'', Dean practically pushed a squirming Sam out the door before closing and latching it behind him, when he turned to me the wicked grin and waggling eye brows gave me a hint that whatever Dean had to say wasn't gonna be light or fluffy and when his features set into a solemn frown, I knew I was in trouble. Would Sam of told his brother about what had happened?
'' What the hell happened between you and my brother'' arms crossed Dean's face became a mask of immobile steal.
'' Nothing….'' I stated trying to move past him but having no such luck.
'' You're going to tell me…exactly what happened, and we're not leaving till you do'', he boosted his hip carelessly against the door and smiled in a very cocky way.
''No….I'm not…'' I stated arching my brow and lifting my chin to glare into those green eyes that looked quiet deadly at the moment.
'' It's none of your business…if Sam wouldn't tell you, I'm not going to''.
Dean advanced a little on me smile widening '' If I remember correctly we already played this game, and I believe that I won…..I got you into that shower…didn't I''?
'' You may have but only because I wanted to get into that shower…I don't however feel the necessity to tell you about things that have nothing to do with you''
''Come on Kara, I saw the look you two gave each other before I interrupted your little moment…now something is going on here…something that's hurting Sammy, and I want to know exactly what it is''!
I softened a little, he was just trying to protect his brother after all, and he was worried about him. Perhaps I could tell him a little just not everything, just to put his mind at ease.
'' I'm sure he will be fine, it can't be the first time a girl turned him down'', I smiled lightly patting Dean's arm while trying to reassure him, his eyes went wide with surprise.
'' You gave him the boot, but you said you wanted both of us…..that wasn't the nicest thing you could've done Kara…..don't you have any idea about how hard it was to get him to play in the first place? He's been hurt so many times….I thought this would help him out of his funk…and you dismissed him like it didn't mean a thing to you? Sammy's not like me…..he cares whether he admits it or not…no wonder he's so fucked up when it comes to women, don't you care at all that you might have just murdered any chance he had of relating to a woman on a personal level and knowing she'll be okay?''
The last part confused me cause I didn't know anything of Sam's past, but I had turned my back on Dean afraid I might start crying again….how dare he question my choice to choose and then place all the blame on me as if I should have known Sam's past, like it was all my fault, I was hurting to.
'' How dare you question me, whatever happened in Sam's past has no hold over me….you who place blame like I deserve to be the one in pain''. I said all of this quietly anger radiating through the room.
'' So that's how it is huh? Why should you care about one guy, you probably traffic through this motel like were all take-out dinners, using us……you probably don't even see who you are hurting anymore. Do you think just because we are men, that we don't care…as long as we get laid, we'll let me tell you something Kara'', Dean grabbed my shoulder wrenching me around and staring down into my tortured eyes, please don't cry I thought to myself, perhaps Dean is right.
'' Sam has never had any luck when it comes to woman, and I think he is still hurting over the last one but none of that matters, what matters is that you don't care, you are hurting Sam, and you could care less''
I slapped him, hard across the cheek because he had no idea how I felt, and he had no right to accuse me. Dean's eyes burning into mine I could see the red mark across his cheek, and thought for a moment he might just slap me back, instead he left….the cold hard thunk of the door swinging behind him as he stated.
'' That's what I thought''.
I turned into the darkness, sobbing loudly and messily into my palms. I could hear some shouting outside but took no time to focus in on their voices. I felt like I had turned in on myself pulling every vein and tendon taunt, it made it hard just to breathe, and I wished they would just go. The problem had nothing to do with my indifference to Sam…it was just the opposite. Could I have possibly of scarred him that deeply? I heard the door behind me creeping open but I didn't care, let Dean watch me cry, let him draw his own conclusions since he seemed to be good at doing that. But I could forgive him even that, he was trying to protect his brother, he obviously cared very much for him. Unfortunately, that didn't make the knowledge of Sam's pain and my own involvement any less; if anything I felt it keener.
Suddenly I was yanked around yet again and afraid to face more of Dean's accusations I flinched in fear. But it wasn't Dean who stood above me; Sam looked horrified when he took in my state, his eyes drinking me in and somehow healing the holes that had built up around my heart, I needed him now. Pulling him down to my lips he met me half way with a curve to his lips, eyes lighting up- happy and desperate to feel his mouth on mine, I wrapped myself around him hugging him as closely as I could, his fingers wrapping the length of my waist, as his thumbs skimmed the undersides of my breast.
Pushing my fingers up the hymn of his shirt, I fingered the smooth skin at his sides and he smiled into my mouth.
'' I'm kind of ticklish''. He stated as a devilish grin spread my face, like feathers I moved my hands over his abs, and down his sides, delighting in his wriggling form. Capturing my arm he spun me around so that my back was pressed into the wall of the chest I'd been tickling seconds before. I could feel his soft curls brushing my shoulders as his mouth lingered on my pulse, Sam's arms like bands of iron holding
me to him as he whispered '' you're not getting away this time.'' I shivered as his moist breathe moved down my neck and over my collar bone.
Suddenly the door burst open, kicked inward -hadn't I heard Sam lock that on his way in, and standing in the silhouette of the morning light was Dean, sawed off in hand yet again, our heads snapped up in unison. He looked like an avenging angel hell bent on taking something out and I gasped out loud, thinking surely that thing had to be me. Eyes adjusting to the darkness he smiled at us lowering the shotgun with a dismissive wave.
'' Well now sweet-heart I knew you'd see it my way, good thing to cause there's nothing I wouldn't do for Sammy here'', he winked and walked away whistling.
'' What is it exactly you guys do for a living?'' I asked turning towards Sam, he beamed at me and then started laughing.
'' Long story Kara…does this mean you've changed your mind….again?''
'' Only if you make it worth my while Sam Winchester'', I smiled beguilingly into his warm eyes,
'' Because, I know I shouldn't…..but I can't seem to help myself, I just hope it's worth the loss I'll feel after you leave'', my eyes glistened just a little when I said this, the first step was admitting, right?
'' Me too…….I'll see you later tonight then, we'll just have to make it worth it'', that smile again ,I returned it pulling his lips down for a soft farewell.
'' Hmmm, hmmm'', I could hear the impatience in Deans voice as he loudly cleared his throat, stepping back into the doorway…I ignored him of course, serves him right anyway, for making me feel like something being hunted.
'' Come on, we'll be back later, break it up you two'', breaking apart we smiled into each other's eyes
'' Damnit Sam were burning daylight here, quite the young lovers act and lets go…you guys might as well be wearin matching t-shirts'', Dean turned the corner hiding the little smile that he couldn't help, we'll he'd be damned it looked as if Sammy was in love.
'' Come on Bambi, you can be twitterpated later''. And they drove off Sam anticipating spending time with Kara, and Dean glad he had stepped in….he would always take care of his brother.
