Author's Note: Truth is, I sort of wrote this back to front. So the good news is I have the next two chapters pretty well cut out. The bad news is, after chapter 7, I fear this may be a bit of a let down. I knew where I started, where I wanted to end up, and that I wanted to incorporate that bit I wrote back in Fate (You know, that one time it took me forever to update because I was working on a "future chapter" that turned out to be better suited for this sequel? Yeah, thought not. Go back and look through the author's notes, because I definitely mentioned it). This is mostly just me getting there; a major event from the series that's become more of a filler for this story. Parts of it I think turned out pretty well, but we'll see what you thing. You dudes are the readers, after all; your opinions are really the only ones that are important. Also my profs slammed me with some combination of tests, lab practicals, or group presentations every week since October 21st. Seriously, I was so used to having back to back exams that finals were a relief (no class). So that's my sob story and here's chapter 8. Enjoy and give us a bit of feedback?
Disclaimer: If I was making money off of this, or otherwise profiting from intentional copyright infringement of any sort, would I be putting myself through the stress of trying to get a 4.0 and chemistry degree? Probably, but that doesn't mean I'm claiming anything! Don't sue me, college already took all my money.
Time has no meaning to one in the grip of a powerful emotion. Like boulders tossed into a river, the usually regular and measurable flow is thrown into white chase. Suddenly, the slightest instant can last a lifetime. Blink, and days or weeks or even years have gone by in a single breath. You stop caring and then time simply disappears. It fades into the infinite hunger, the all-consuming feeling. Just like everything else.
I went directly from Sakkakumon's spring masquerade into the only remaining vacant sphere. The one at his center. It was a paradox of blackness streaked with blue and maroon like the inside of a marble crowned by the sun-shaped symbol for light. That fit. This was, after all, the place specially prepared for the clash of light and darkness. The central stadium if you will. It was only right that it should embody in some way both elements. Fitting, yet at the same time, strange. While the Warriors of Light and Darkness fought constantly to establish dominance, this room somehow retained equilibrated balance. As Kouji and I once again tried to kill each other it would stay whole. How odd that this place, this hybrid of light and darkness that would soon see the battle's true fury, should exist at all without tearing itself apart.
Could Kouji and I exist together like that? Could we just be, just live without always hurting each other? And even if it were possible, would I allow it? After what he did, after all the suffering he caused that woman I couldn't help but remember, could I just let him go?
No. He had to pay; I had to make him pay. You don't get to just hurt people like that then walk away. You don't get to just live your happy life without thinking about those who need you. I didn't remember everything, not yet. I didn't even really understand my connection to that woman from my human memories. I just knew that she needed Kouji and he wasn't there. And her pain was my pain. So Kouji had to be punished, despite any other feelings I might have had to the contrary.
This was where the final confrontation would take place. This was where I would extinguish the light and fulfill my destiny. This was where I would finally take vengeance on the one responsible for this gnawing pain. The one responsible for her suffering.
These thoughts filtered through my mind, there one instant and gone the next, ever present but not strong enough to dent my resolve. There was very little that could have changed my mind at that point. I knew I was only there for Sakkakumon and Cherubimon's amusement. I knew this was just another stage on which I was supposed to perform. I knew I was just a doll at some sort of twisted tea party and I knew something was wrong. I just couldn't look past my hatred for long enough to care.
Moments dripped by, but I couldn't tell you how many. Long enough for Ranamon to be defeated and cause Cherubimon to withdraw to the corners of my mind. Short enough to keep Mercurymon preoccupied with the Warrior of Flame. It didn't matter how much time passed because eventually he would come. If I sat and simmered for long enough Kouji would arrive. There was nowhere else he could go; the rest of Sakkakumon was either closed or occupied. And when he got here I was going to end him.
It all seemed so simple then. An eternity passed as I stewed in the hate Cherubimon had concentrated within me, like a swordsman sharpening his blade. Then I heard footsteps and everything sped up. Kouji walked into my line of sight, small and human, with those narrow navy eyes of his glancing around suspiciously. Maybe he could sense me. Maybe not. It didn't matter. All I knew was that he was responsible for all my anguish and pain, all the pain of that woman I cared so much about, all things bad in this world, and now he was going to pay for it. I would make him pay for it. Then I would feel better. Right, Lord Cherubimon?
I released a beam of purple-black energy from my avian palm before he could truly notice I was there. It struck him in the shoulder and he fell to the ground. He landed hard, biting back the yelp of pain and surprise I knew was burning in his throat, then rolled to his feet. His D-Tector flashed in his hand. Yet he didn't Spirit Evolve, as I had expected. He held it by his side like a threat as I closed in, but didn't move to use it.
"What's your deal," he spat, skipping pleasantries all together this time. "First you want to fight, then you want to screw around in my memories, now you want to fight again? Can we please talk somewhere in between all this because you seem really confused."
"You had your chance to talk and missed it," I hissed, stopping barely a meter away from him and concentrating more purple energy in my avian palm. "Now I'll help you atone for your cruelty."
"My cruelty? What are you-"
"Spirit Evolve and fight or die now, it makes no difference to me."
He snorted, giving me a very strained smirk. "Oh don't worry, I'll fight you. But you owe me some explanation first." I regarded him condescendingly, dark energy still pulsing about my hand. The grip on his D-Tector tightened as he scowled, ready for the blow I was just waiting to deliver. A moment of tense stalemate swam by, and then the unexpected happened. Kouji sighed and relaxed his shoulders. "Why me? At least tell me that much."
He said the words quietly, but they rang in my ears like an explosion, triggering the familiar throbbing. I looked away from him, fighting the urge to rub the soreness from my brow.
"I can't."
"Why not?" His voice shot back, louder this time. Angry. There was a sharp intake of breath as he tried to say more, but I cut him off, my human hand coiling into a fist by my side.
"Because it hurts to remember! Because it hurts to be near you or even think about you! Because you are light and I darkness. Isn't that reason enough?"
Kouji made no answer- at least, no verbal answer. I could feel his navy eyes on me, burning like searchlights in the mist. Looking at me, yet not seeing me. Bitter nostalgia rose within me like the urge to vomit and I turned my carmine gaze to meet his, daring him to deny me. He blinked back, his face a carefully arranged mask of apathy. "Execute," he said coldly. Periwinkle bands surrounded his body like a shell, illuminating the dark cavity for an instant. I followed suit, sliding into Duskmon's form and readying my swords.
"So we're really going to do this… again," he almost sighed, hesitating a moment longer. "Planning to finish me off this time? Or are we still just playing?"
"Think what you will," I shot back frigidly. "I won't be satisfied until you feel the pain you've caused, and I won't stop until you do."
"Tch," he snorted, betraying almost none of his uneasiness. "Whatever. Let's just get this over with. I've got things to do!" And he attacked me.
There was a blur of crimson and blinding white light. Attacks released and deflected, ricocheting around the marble yet never scaring it. We fought just as we had before: I taunted him with superior strength, speed, and agility and he rammed into the places I'd been standing like a dumb bull. The pain in my head lessened as I fought him, but it never went away. It hung ever present like a cold haze, both concealing and framing the newest question Kouji had ignited in my soul. My latest doubt.
Light was cruel pain, cutting from place to place and burning everything in its wake. Everything it saw, everything it touched, was consumed and condemned by it. Kouji was light; any and all who got close to him were scorched by that fact. He was responsible for that woman's pain and thus my pain. I had tried to do something about it, but the human boy was weak. Ineffective. So I became Duskmon. Now I had the power to right all his wrongs and exact vengeance. All this I accepted without question. And it all made perfect sense… whenever Kouji wasn't around.
But when he was around and I confronted him with his crimes, he never understood. How could I punish him when he didn't know what he'd done wrong? How can justice be brought against an oblivious criminal? What was it I felt compelled to do whenever I was around him and why couldn't I just end him and be done with it?
There was something I wanted from him- something more than just his blood. What was it? And why did it hurt so much whenever I tried to remember?
The fight went as if rehearsed, like always. We collided, spun apart, grazed each other and repelled. He attacked, I blocked. I attacked, he was too slow. In another show of periwinkle bands, his human body fell before me, just barely supporting itself on its hands and knees. His arms were shaking and his breath came in pained huffs, his eyes fixed stubbornly on the ground. It was a deliciously pitiful sight, yet I derived no satisfaction from it. I knew I should, but I didn't. I raised my sword above my head.
"This is your end, Warrior of Light." His jaw tightened. "And with your death, all those you've hurt will finally achieve justice."
"Justice?" There was a high crack in his voice, rawness this very real threat of death had laid bare. His strength, his pride, those things he'd always relied on had failed him. The life he'd thought so pointless now hung suspended in the darkness and the stench of regret hung thick. His… and mine.
"Tch. You may be right about that, Duskmon. Maybe this is justice, or some twisted version of it at least. Maybe this is what I deserve."
My elbow locked as a wave of what I can only describe as sheer terror washed over me. "Stop it," I whispered, but it was too late. The dam had finally burst and the flood would run its course.
"I haven't been fair… or kind. To anyone. Not for a very long time. It wasn't her fault; she didn't mean to try and replace Mom. She just wanted us to be a family, and I was cruel to her. Maybe that's what you've been talking about; maybe that's why this is happening. But it's also why I can't die now. It's why this can't be the end! I know I've hurt people and I want to make it up! I have to. I have to make it back to the human world, and giver her those flowers. I have to say I'm sorry!"
Light erupted from the D-Tector at his side, fanning out like waiting arms as a new, piercing beam burst through the marble walls from the outside world. The two collided, swelling like a giant bubble to engulf the darkness. I raised my arms in defense, then found I didn't need them. There was no pain here. Remorse and sadness, yes, but no pain. Warmth, not fire. I felt myself emerge for a moment, as if from a cold lake, and in that moment my frozen hatred melted back into its source. I was so sad, so afraid, and I didn't know why.
Then, as quickly as it had come, the light faded and Cherubimon's cold reclaimed my heart. Where Kouji had kneeled, preparing for death, a new Warrior stood. He was as tall as Duskmon, thinly built, with gleaming white armor. His hands and feet were tipped with long, yellow claws and his helmet was snouted and fanged like a wolf. Rich brown eyes stared at me, alight with newfound purpose. I dropped my arms and scoffed.
"Impressive, I'll admit. But pointless. Why get up? Why keep fighting? You're miserable and alone;" Just like me "why deny it? Why not give into your despair and let me end this plague called Light?"
"I'm not denying anything," he growled. "But I'm not giving up either. Yeah, I did this to myself. I'm alone because all my life I've done nothing but push everyone away. And I was all right with that because I thought it made me strong. Now I see I was just being selfish, that in trying to protect myself I was hurting those who care about me.
"I'm not going to make that mistake anymore! I have to live. I have to go back and tell all the people I've hurt that I'm sorry. You may not be able to understand it, Duskmon, but that's why I keep fighting. That's why I won't loose to you. Beo Saber!"
A light flashed behind his back and Beowolfmon pulled out a long, double bladed sword. It was yellow and metallic, gleaming in the darkness, two wicked looking hooks on its tips. He struck. I got my swords up just in time. Our blades locked together as we poured all we had into them. Equally matched for the first time. Clouds of light and darkness reared around our bodies, clashing hungrily. They wanted to destroy one another, and they used us to do it. Beowolfmon's teeth gritted as he strained to overpower me, his gaze intense and pure.
He had something to fight for, a reason to beat me… to hate me. That confession just now, the vow to make it better, those hadn't been lies. Kouji didn't lie; he was sorry. He wanted everyone to know that and I was standing in his way. Of course he wanted me gone.
What excuse did I have? Lord Cherubimon had instructed me to destroy the light, and in the beginning that had been enough. Then he'd persuaded me that the Light was responsible for this aching pain I always felt. Now it was Kouji himself that was at fault. Through these fragments and flashes of memory, this disjointed knowledge from another life, Lord Cherubimon was trying to prove that to me. And it did seem that Kouji was responsible, when I wasn't near him. When I saw him, talked to him, it became increasingly difficult to believe he was the monster Cherubimon claimed was my enemy. And now… Kouji had said he was sorry for the pain he'd caused, sorry for pushing people away and hurting them. That included that woman and I, didn't it? He'd apologized to us too, right? Wasn't that what I was mad about, that he was hurting us. If he'd apologized, why did I still fight? Hurting Kouji had not made my pain go away, it made it worse. Maybe I just wasn't hurting him enough. Or maybe…
The clouds of dark and light expanded. As I strained against this new Warrior of Light, something flashed inside me; I was suddenly small and exposed. I could see Kouji across from me, human and defenseless, and I knew he could see me. I didn't know what he saw, only that it was me. His brow knit in confusion, his lips parted, and then he pulled away. His blade slid off mine and Beowolfmon stepped back. I stumbled forward as he left, catching my balance and shooting him a vicious look. He ignored it, staring at me incredulously.
"What are you," he asked for the second time. I lowered my swords to my sides, staring back suspiciously. "Duskmon, just what are you to me?"
My eyes widened as if he'd landed a blow. That familiar buzzing had started again in my head, like thousands of whispers building to a migraine.
"Answer me! This thing between us is more than just light and darkness and you know what it is! Now spill it!"
My breath stopped. What was I to him… Why did I seek him out? What had he done that had hurt me so badly? Why did I want him to suffer, to be sorry and regret? Was it just because he was Light and I was Darkness? Because of that woman in my memories? Or did it go beyond that. What was it about Kouji that my human heart responded to? I knew the answers, somewhere deep inside. But I was afraid. They came unbidden, responding to his call. Disjointed and painful. Time fractured.
What were we?
"I am..."
Whispers raced across my mind, too fast to understand. My head ached, the words were blurred, they didn't make sense. Memories like ripples, phrases half formed, I didn't understand. It wasn't like when Lord Cherubimon returned my memories.
"I… am…"
The dull throbbing at my temples intensified until it was more of a drilling. Words like leafs in the wind, pain searing across my scull. Ice in my blood. Freezing pain. I wanted to move but I couldn't. Flashes of sight and sound. Unskilled probing. An unwilling pet tugging at its collar.
What were we…
Brothers.
My body seized as if run through with an electric current. Every fiber tensed into internal paralysis, setting my joints into painful rigidity.
You have...
Beowolfmon looked impatient, even annoyed by my refusal to answer his questions. But even as I showed my vulnerability, he didn't strike. My head screamed, its agony ringing in my ears despite my best attempts to block it our. Find... You must find... Need to know. My breath hissed between my teeth and I choked on it.
"I don't remember," I grunted.
"Not good enough." Somewhere past all the pain and confusion, I had to laugh at how typically Kouji that comment was. Even his expression, though on the face of a Digimon, looked like... Kouji. It was some how comforting, to know that at least he was stagnate in this whirlwind of change.
Need... Have... Know... A Brother... You need. She was just laying there, old, frail, dying. It hurt to see her like this, to see her in so much pain. The doctor had said that she shouldn't have had any visitors, that she needed to rest. But Grandma was always feisty, always bolder, more stubborn than anyone ever expected or thought proper.
"What aren't you telling me? I'm not an idiot, Duskmon, I know there's something. I've seen you when we fight; I know you're not like the others."
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block the flow of humanity from returning, trying to forget again, to stop the pain. Trying, and failing. I focused on the blackness behind my eyelids, but the memories were there too, taunting me. Why? Why did all the answers remain hidden when I looked for them, but come willingly as water from a faucet when Kouji asked the questions?
She'd said that she needed to see me, to talk to me; almost had a fit when the doctor told her it was a bad idea. So there I was, by her bed, grasping her hand. The stench of hospital, putrid sickness barely concealed beneath air freshener, filled my nostrils. Icy sunlight from the outside world filtering through sheer curtains into the dry, overly air-conditioned room. Her breath came in whizzing gasps, her skin was pale and dry and cold, her eyes were barely open. She looked like death. This place… was death. Hers and mine.
"You look… exactly like me."
My brain felt like it was trying to tear itself to bits, my insides were seething just beneath my skin. I felt like curling up in the nearest corner and passing out, but I knew that wasn't an option. Why? Why was this happening? Why didn't I remember this before, when it had been my own will demanding the explanation? Why was I putting myself through this pain… for his sake?
Her voice was so quiet at first, so sickly, that I didn't even realize she was speaking until she had called my name at least twice. "What," I asked softly as I could, trying not to let the doctor or my mother, who were both standing just outside the door, in on our private talk. "What is it Grandma?"
"You don't realize what you're asking!"
Kouji... Need to know...Find... A brother... Must find... Know... Kouji...Have a brother... You need to know... You have to find...
"The hell I don't! Who are you Duskmon? What did I do to make you hate me so much?"
I gagged as the pain ran down my spine like fire and twisted in my stomach, hunching over to try and lessen the shock. My armored arms, still clutching twin crimson blades, pressed against my abdomen. Pale blond hair slid over my shoulders to shield my already masked face.
"Kouichi, you need to know." I was confused, what was there that could possibly be important enough that she would call me in and whisper it to me with her last breath? What could be such a great secret that she would wait this long to tell me? What was so twisted and wrong that my own mother would keep it from me?
"It's not what you did," I heard a voice deep within me answer. "It's who you are, and what you didn't do."
"What's that supposed to mean!"
"You need to know, Kouichi, you have a brother. You must find Kouji..."
Kouichi...Kouichi... Kimura Kouichi? Yes, that's what the girl had called me. That's whose blood had been on the handkerchief. My blood. The blood of Kouji's twin brother!
"Kouji," I said, my head jerking up suddenly. "None of this is what it seems. It's not how this was supposed to happen."
A red black mist began to form around me, seeping from an unnoticed shadow on the wall. It felt cold through my armor, in my heart. Painfully cold. Slowly, like water drawn into a sponge, it filtered through the crevices and leaks in the black metal. Past my skin. I felt it surround the human inside me, constricting him, holding him so he had no choice but to watch. My eyes slid out of focus. The old memories began to play. Ordered this time. Controlled.
"I don't understand," Kouji said, his shoulders slumping. "I'm sorry, but-"
The woman with dark hair cries alone. My mother cries… and there's nothing I can do to help. She suffers in my darkness, forever bound by the shadow of my existence… and the loss of light that is my twin. I know now that's what she sees when she looks at me. That's the bitter sadness that never leaves her eyes. Why she never told me about him. I am the son she raises and loves, but also the constant reminder of the twin that was stolen. That's why, no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try or how much I beg, I can never make her happy. That's why nothing I do means anything. It's all in vain without him.
She doesn't want just me, she wants him too. She wants Kouichi and Kouji. I'm not enough. That's what she didn't want me to know. But Grandma told me; I do know. As long as Kouji remains absent, she'll regret. And as long as she regrets she can't help but see him when she looks at me. The incomplete set, the broken family. The joy she can never have. All I can ever be is that reminder. It's despicable.
The dam broke.
"No!" The scream tore at my throat, bursting forth from my lungs so fast it hurt. I straightened, swords unfolding, hungry. "Shut up. You know nothing about me! You never bothered to find out. You think you can just be sorry? You think that makes anything better? You will pay for your crimes. Pain for pain. Blood for blood."
He took a single step back as I raised a crimson blade to chest level, staring down its length to scrutinize him. Then I struck.
