"W-what?" I chocked

"No-No, there's no way Spencer is dead. Spencer doesn't die" Hanna said standing up.

"What happened?" Emily asked shaking her head in disapproval. Alison lays her head on Emilys shoulder

"They don't know, they are bringing her body back to the U.S for an autopsy. Doctors are going to do everything they can to find out what happened. I'm going down to the Morgue tomorrow." she says "I-I cant believe she's really gone" she falls on the floor crying. Peter runs by her side to comfort her.

"I gotta go, I can't be here" Hanna cries all of a sudden and runs out the door with Jordan on her tail

"We should start planning for the funeral" Mary speaks up. She has a poker face on. I hope she knows it's okay to cry. She doesn't have to be strong. I see where Spencer gets that from.

"I agree we should, and since its all family here, we should get to planning" Peter says

"Toby, do you have any ideas?" Veronica stands up and sits on the couch.

"I don't think it's such a good idea that I should help, she still hates me" I said with my head down in shame

"Oh Toby, she can't possibly hate you, she loves you" Mary coos

"Trust me she doesn't. Before she left we had a long talk about everything that happened"

"What did happen between you guys? Was it because of long distance?" Veronica asked.

I sighed and sat down on the couch between Alison and Jason.

"Back when she was a sophomore in college, she had a pregnancy scare. As we were waiting for the results, we started talking about the future, you know what will happen and everything" Alison takes my hand and motions me to continue

"I did a dumb thing, I tried to pressure her with starting a future. I wanted everything to happen now, but I wasn't thinking of how she felt. I just wanted what I wanted, and when she didnt, I broke it off with her. I should've listened and stayed with her. I could've waited two more years. Then after 5 years, I deliberately rubbed my love life in her face, which led her to date Caleb and get all messed up then she dated Marco. I low key still had feelings for Spencer but then I told her my life was perfect with Yvonne, I said I was building a house for her (Spencer) and I let her down, then I got married but Yvonne died so I crawled back to Spencer, but that wasn't a good idea because it made her think she's second choice-

"Damn right she think she's second choice" Alison interrupted. 'What were you thinking?" she yells

"Anyways" I continued "She's not second choice, I promise you. I- I know it may seem that way, but she's not. When I was gone for a year, she was all I think about. After the Alex fiasco, she avoided me because she felt guilty about what happened to me which made it even more complicated to be with her. I asked to meet at the barn to talk, and she told me how she really felt and she said she hates me, and honestly I don't blame her. I was a jerk. I would hate myself too if I were her. I hate myself"

"Yeah, maybe it's best you should go" Peter said sternly

"Peter" Veronica said

"What? He's the reason Spencer is dead. The only reason she left was to get him off her mind" He yells

I put my hands to my face and cry. He's right, this is all my fault

"Peter, you should talk, what about when you cheated on me, and got two women pregnant huh, I suggest to leave Spencer alone, he has learned his lesson." Veronica yells "Now Toby" She turns to me "I know that deep down inside, Spencer does love you. She does, she was probably afraid to love again"

"What does she have be afraid of?" I shook my head

"She probably doesn't want to get hurt again. She's been hurt by everyone, family included, and I am so ashamed of that. I will always live to regret that. So please Toby, stay and help. You probably know more about Spencer than us"

I thought about for a moment. It's the least I can do to help. Gosh why do things keep happening to me. I lose 3 women that I love, and I swore to myself that I will not screw up with Spencer, but look what happened. She's dead. Gone. I won't ever get the chance to propose, or start a family. help with the horses, help train our kids to ride horses, Spencer riding me like a horse.

Okay that was inappropriate. I feel so out of place. But I have to be strong, even though I'm going to break in 5 minutes

"Actually, can we start on this tomorrow, its like 3 a.m and Im tired" Emily says

"Sure, we can do that. I'm going to have to cancel work until everything is done" Veronica slightly smiles.

Once everything was settled, we all decided to leave

"Um Toby?" Veronica called.

"Yes?" I turn to her

"Will you actually stay please, you can stay in the barn and maybe even look for stuff for the funeral" she ask

"Sure, I'll help" I said trying not to think of Spencer and cry.

'"Come here" she says bringing me into a hug

"It's okay to cry" she whispers. And that's when I break down. I cry loud and hard

"I-I was s-such a horrible person to her. I-I love h-her. I cant b-b-believe she's really gone" I choked "I feel like I can't breathe" I cry "My heart actually hurts".

Veronica rubs my back and helps to to the barn.

"Sleep wherever. The bed. I changed the sheets. Stay as long as you like" she said giving me the keys and leaves.

I take a look at the place. Last time I was here, I broke her heart again. I left her.

I was selfish to her

I was rubbing my relationship in her face.

I walked around the room. It's very Spencer like. There was still coffee in the pot. She had mail on her coffee table. She has plants on the window seal. Her glasses were on the computer desk. On the computer desk was pictures of Hanna, Alison and Emily and her together. Then there was pictures of Lilly and Grace. She has notebooks and pads and books. One particular book caught my eye. It was the original poem book she had. I took it out and I sat on the bed. I took my shoes off and sat back. I looked at the cover and ran my fingers on it. Then I opened it. Just like I thought, she had notes on the side, like she always did when she doesn't understand what's going on, or something that interest her. I loved it when she would come over to my place. She would wear my shirt, her hair wold be in a messy bun, she wore her glasses. We would sit on the couch. Not talking. its a comfortable silent. I would watch tv and she would have her feet on me, I would rub them and she would hold her pen, while chewing the top and reading the book. It was one of the most exciting thing I couldnt wait until we moved in together.

I come across her favorite poem ever. It was in French. I'm kinda rusty in it. I can speak it, but not quite understand it that much. I read her little notes

"What's the point of the orange?"

'Does it have a meaning to the story?"

"Is it about love?"

"Is it a metaphor?"

I smile as I read them. I also notice that she wrote out initials on it. T+S 3. I flipped through the chapters and a photo came out. I picked it up and looked at it

She wrote " My one and only happily ever after". I remember that day clearly. I brought a new Camera and I wanted to try it out so I thought it would be really sweet and very romantic if her and I took couple photos. I called Emily to come over and take it for us. We took a lot but this was our favorite.

I still can't believe she still has this..or forgot she hid this, or she does but she hid it. We were really happy. I was so in love with her. I didn't even take photos like this with Yvonne. It was really just smile photos of us standing side by side with her arm around my waist. I don't have those photos anymore.

I put the photo back in the book and put the book in the nice stand. It was getting late so I laid down. I brought the covers to my face and inhaled. It smells like coffee and Vanilla, just like her. I always loved Spencer's smell.

The I start to cry again. and all I think is

She's gone

She's dead

and I can never get her, or kiss her again.

She's dead.

Soon I begin to drift to sleep, hoping tomorrow will somehow be better