The afternoon has turned out beautifully. Cas rolls his jeans up and leaves his shoes at the house, and Jimmy and Dean copy him. The kids are in shorts and t-shirts, also barefoot, and run about gleefully playing a game of tag. It's a bit of a walk to the outcrop of rocks in the distance, but the sand is warm and the air balmy and refreshing, so they take their time and saunter along. Lexie winds up walking with Dean, holding his hand and reaching to hold his uncle's as well, while Cas walks on ahead, Billie on his shoulders. The silence between him and Jimmy stretches too long, even with the kid swinging between them and kicking shells with his bare toes.
"So. You and Cas have gotten pretty close." Jimmy eventually speaks, not looking at Dean. His gaze is focused on the wide expanse of ocean, and Dean finds himself staring out at it too.
"Yeah."
"Even though he knows so little about you."
"He… he knows me."
"Does he?" Jimmy turns then, and his expression is critical. "Really? Quite frankly, Dean, I find that hard to believe. How long have you been here now?"
Between them, they support Lexie's weight and swing him up between them so he laughs and shrieks with glee. Dean counts the days in his head, finding he can't settle on a specific answer.
"A few weeks? Three, four maybe? The first few days are a haze, I was out for most of 'em."
Jimmy makes a non-committal noise, clearly lost in thought, so Dean barrels on, nerves and anxiety pushing him to run his mouth.
"Your brother is an angel, you know? I'm sure you do know, but I'm telling you anyway. He's turned my life around in ways I didn't think were possible. When I met Cas, I was… on a pretty dark path. And he saved me, when I didn't know I could be saved. I have so much shit to deal with and he just accepts it. He doesn't push, or badger me constantly, he's just there. It's like he knows, you know?"
"He does." Jimmy's voice is low and soft, and there's a tinge of sadness to it. "He knows what it's like to have a past and to not want to discuss it."
Dean nods, his mouth suddenly desert-dry. "Cole."
Jimmy shoots Dean a sharp, calculating look, as though trying to work out how much he knows. "Yes. Cole."
"He told me," Dean confesses softly. They swing Lexie again between them, then to Dean's relief the little boy runs off to join his father and brother up ahead. This conversation will be easier to have without little ears listening in.
"He told you?" Jimmy halts and openly stares at Dean. "How much did he tell you?"
"Well… all of it, I guess?" Dean kicks at a shell with his bare toe. "He told me that Cole… took his own life. Told me that he found him, and that he was holding Lexie when he… yeah. He's told me."
"I see." Jimmy looks a little shaken, and stuffs his hands in his pockets as they start to walk again. Dean follows Cas' footprints in the sand, trying to step in every single one. "You need to know, Dean, what a big deal that is. Cas doesn't talk about Cole to anyone."
"Yeah, I get that."
"No, you don't. The only people who really know what happened to Cole are me, Cas, Cole's brother and his parents. And now, apparently, you. Even his friends don't know that he killed himself; his family didn't want that part getting out for whatever reason. They know Cole passed away, but they don't know exactly what happened. So, Cas telling you is a big fucking deal." Jimmy kicks a shell and Dean, a response on the tip of his tongue, stays quiet. It seems like Cas' brother has more to say. "It really messed him up, you know? None of us had any idea Cole was having problems, he hid it all so well. Cas barely had a chance to deal with how he felt about it all at the time, he had the kids to take care of and the funeral arrangements. I was there as much as possible, but he really withdrew. All that mattered to him was his boys." Jimmy watches his brother play with his kids, dangling Lexie upside down by his ankles as Billie splashes in the water. "The boys were three months old when Cas and Cole adopted them, and nine months later he was gone. Cas has never been able to come to terms with it, but I think it's got easier as the years have passed. I don't think he can understand how Cole could leave them that way; they were the perfect little happy family on the outside. But I guess, you don't always know what's going on in someone's head."
"Cas must have felt so lost." Dean's throat constricts at the mere thought.
"He did. He had me and some close friends, but it was a tough time for him. So, when you're glaring at me and thinking about what an awful overbearing brother I am, remember that I have a reason to be."
"I don't think you're overbearing." They're approaching Cas and the twins now, the rocks only a short distance away. "I can't imagine what you all went through. I'd be the same, if my little brother had endured an ordeal like that. Cas is lucky to have you."
"Maybe. I'm lucky to have him too. But Dean," Jimmy stops, gripping Dean by the forearm and forcing him to turn and look him in the eye. "Don't take this the wrong way, because I'm sure you're a great guy and you seem to be making my brother really happy. But if whatever baggage you've got going on ends up hurting him…"
"Then it would be very easy to make it look like I drowned in a freak accident, right?" Dean attempts a smile, because he gets it. He really does. But his attempt at a joke hits a bit too close to home; that's exactly what Sammy, Benny and his friends back home think happened to him already. He swallows, hard. "I'm not going to hurt Cas. I promise. He means the world to me. And yeah, I got some stuff going on, and I'm going to talk to him about it. But just… give me some time, all right? Don't strap weights to my ankles just yet."
"Fine. But don't make me regret it, Dean." Jimmy sweeps Billie up into his arms and spins him around. "Now, why don't you two show me how well you can climb those rocks over there, while your daddy and Dean have a chat? OK?"
The boys run off towards a small heap of smooth rocks which look child-friendly enough, although a voice in the back of Dean's mind worries a little about them climbing too high. He mentally shakes himself. Surely that's something for Cas to be concerned about, not him. They aren't his kids.
"Sit with me?" Cas has sat down cross-legged on the sand, a little distance away from where the tide laps up, and Dean takes his outstretched hand and settles at his side. The warmth of the sun is bliss on his skin, and he hesitates for just a second before stripping his t-shirt off to expose his skin to the air. Cas stares for just a second, then follows suit, and the two of them lie down on their backs to soak up some rays. Off to Dean's left, the boys are giggling and screaming with excitement, and it's so relaxing that he almost forgets why they're here. Then Cas props himself up on his elbows and fixes Dean with a look that is probably meant to be very serious, but ends up looking sweetly confused instead.
"Dean. You know I don't want to push you to open up if you don't want to. I respect your boundaries, and won't ever ask you to give more than you can. But…"
"Yeah, Cas, I know." Dean sighs heavily, closing his eyes and running a hand over his face. "I can't hide from the past forever. And it isn't that I want to hide anything from you, far from it. I want to talk to you, it's just…"
I'm afraid you'll hate me for what I've done.
As though Cas can read his mind, a warm hand comes out and touches him on the forearm, running down to take his hand. "Whatever it is, Dean, I'm here for you. You're a good person, I saw that straight away. So whatever happened, I'm sure it wasn't intentional."
It wasn't. It was an accident, but what does that change? Nothing.
"Won't your family be awfully upset though? Is it true, that they think you're dead?" Cas pushes gently, and Dean caves.
"Yeah. They do." He sits up, crosses his legs in front of him, and draws an aimless pattern in the sand with a finger. "It was just easier that way, for everyone. After… after it happened, they all looked at me differently. Treated me differently. I'm sure they didn't mean to, but it happened anyway. It was a time when I really needed people to be there for me, and they tried. But…" Dean traces a star shape, then scribbles it out. "I guess being around me was too difficult. Being seen with me in that small town… I get it. I get why they pulled away."
Cas is quiet, letting him talk, but he can feel the other man's gaze on the side of his head like an x-ray.
"I had this car. 1967 Chevy Impala, belonged to my dad before he gave it to me. She was my baby, the love of my life. Sounds silly, huh? An inanimate object being the thing I loved more than anything? But she really was. And one night I was sitting in her at the top of this cliff that dropped off into a river. I'd had a fifth of whiskey already, and was tackling the rest of the bottle while looking out at the stars. I was thinking about how badly I'd fucked everything up, how many lives I'd ruined." Dean shudders, the memory too vivid and too recent. He doesn't want to tell Cas the next part, but he's started now. Perhaps his honesty will be cleansing somehow. "I thought about driving her off the cliff, letting her take me with her. I was so close to doing it, Cas. I felt like I had nothing left to live for, nobody who would miss me after… everything." Fingers squeeze his tightly, reassuring, grounding. He thinks he hears a sniffle from Cas, but doesn't dare look at him. "In the end, I left the brake off by mistake and got out of the car to get some air. I turned around, and she was off, towards the edge and I had no chance of getting her back." His voice catches and he breathes deeply to avoid breaking down. "When she went into the water, it was like I was looking down on the whole thing from somewhere else. I guess you could call it an out of body experience, if you're into that shit. I was just drunk off my ass and desperate. I could've called someone. My friend Benny, my brother, the cops…"
"But you didn't."
"But I didn't. I walked back to town, grabbed whatever I could from my place, withdrew every dollar to my name at a 24-hour bank and took off that night. Saw it as a chance to disappear, to try and restart my life without all the… without all the problems. A chance to free my friends and family from what I'd done." Dean sighs, looking out over the water. "They think I'm gone. That I went to the bottom of the river in that car. I saw the newspaper reports a day later, some claiming it was a freak accident and some suggesting it was intentional. I should've called home, should've let them know that I was all right. I meant to. But the days passed, and it got harder and harder to make the call. Then I wound up walking out of some train station and up a hill into the woods…"
"And the rest is history."
Cas' voice is so soft that Dean can't help but turn to look at him, and he's glad he does. Cas is misty-eyed, his expression heartbreakingly sad, but his hand is soothing and firm in Dean's, and he traces patterns with his thumb. He glances down at where their fingers touch, a lump in his throat. He wants to say more, but something stops him. Fear. Fear stops him. This is enough for today. It has to be.
"What happened, Dean?" It's a whisper, shy and careful, and Dean's whole body stiffens. Cas rushes to continue, "You don't have to tell me. I get it. I promise, I get it. But if you want to…"
"I do. And I will." He stares deep into the shining blue depths of Cas' eyes - his boyfriend's eyes, if Jimmy's comment at lunch has any weight - and Cas takes the cue and leans forward to kiss him. "Just… give me time? A little longer?" And promise you won't turn me away…
"Of course." Another sweet kiss, chaste and loving, and Dean wants to cry all of a sudden at the intensity of it. "I love you, Dean. Nothing from your lips can change that."
They rest their foreheads together for a while, not speaking, just letting the sounds of the ocean and the children playing wash over them until the tide starts to lap at their toes. Cas gestures to the water.
"Fancy a dip? You haven't been in the ocean yet, right?"
"Uhm, no, I haven't. I'm not sure… I don't have my bathing suit…" Dean looks out doubtfully. The water sparkles as the sun sinks lower, glistening and inviting. Next to him, Cas grins and bumps his shoulder with his before getting up, his hands going to the fastenings of his jeans.
"C'mon. Race you."
"Unfair!" Dean is up and on his feet, but Cas has a headstart, stripping down to his underwear and heading for the water, laughing. Dean joins him a moment later, tackling him around the waist and sending them both headlong into salty water. When they resurface, Jimmy is standing with his hands on his hips, shaking his head and grinning, and the kids are running in to join them, fully clothed. Dean takes a breath, dives under the - admittedly very shallow - water, resurfacing beneath Lexie and hauling the kid up onto his shoulders. The twins both shriek with excitement and Cas copies him with Billie, and they splash each other and playfight, the adults gripping the kids ankles to stop them falling in. The conversation with Cas is at the back of Dean's mind, not gone and not forgotten, but he feels lighter somehow. Like a giant weight has been lifted from around his neck, and that maybe, just maybe, Cas and the twins are the salvation he never knew he could find.
Friday night rolls around quickly, and before Dean knows it he's helping Cas set up for the party the following day. It's clear the other man is nervous, unsure of what decorations to put up, what food to serve, and is worrying the boys won't enjoy it. Dean tries his best to calm him, but Cas is a bundle of nerves. The boys go to bed eventually, too excited to sleep, and they can hear them laughing and giggling from their bedroom long after they're supposed to be asleep. Cas smiles, but doesn't go to quiet them. He's too distracted by Dean, stretching him out on the sofa and placing languid kisses across the expanse of his throat.
"Dean… the decorations…"
"Can wait."
"I need to finish the food…"
"Can also wait."
"I want…"
"Yes?"
Cas sighs into Dean's mouth. "You."
Their sex life during the last few days has been limited to quick touches and stolen moments in the shower or as they fall asleep at night. The kids have taken up most of their time, and they've been tired out most evenings. But tonight feels different - they have time to themselves and, the main thing, Dean is horny and desperate to feel Cas' bare skin against him.
"All yours, baby. Take what's yours."
"What do you want, Dean?" Cas shifts beneath him, spreading his legs a little and letting Dean sink into the gap between them. Their erect cocks meet through the fabric of two pairs of jeans, and they both hum in appreciation. Dean kisses Cas deeply, licking into his mouth and savouring the taste of him.
"What do I want?" He kisses Cas' jaw. "I want," Kisses his neck. "You," Kisses the underside of his jaw. "To finger me, nice and slow," Laps a line down the column of his trust to his collarbone, exposed by the drag of his t-shirt under Dean's body. "And then, I want you to fuck me. Deep. And hard."
"God…" Cas arches, moans, lets Dean suck a deep hickey into the hollow of his collarbone. "You sure?"
"I am." Their lips meet again. "I want you in me, Cas. I want you to come inside me. No condoms." Another deep, soul-searching kiss. "Fuck me, baby, you know you wanna."
"You have no idea…" Cas grins wickedly, an idea clearly forming. "Get your clothes off. You're wearing too many."
Dean strips in record time, while Cas darts down the corridor to make sure the twins are asleep. Then they're back on the sofa again, Cas shimmying out of his jeans - he's going commando, and Dean moans at the sight - and tossing his t-shirt aside before coaxing Dean to lie down on top of him. Their hands are everywhere, stroking and touching each other and lapping needily at each other's mouths. Slowly, Cas' hands trail down Dean's sides to his ass; they grip his cheeks and part them, exposing his tight pucker, and Cas rubs a dry thumb over his entrance. Dean shudders.
"You sure?" Cas kisses him again and again. "You can top if you wanna."
"Nuh uh." Dean shakes his head, his hips already arching in anticipation. "Wanna feel you, baby. Want your come inside me, dripping out down my thighs. Wanna feel that stretch, still wanna feel it tomorrow. Need your cock, and I want you to fill me up." He nips Cas' neck, suddenly blushing and hiding his face as he realises how filthy he sounds. Damn, where did all that come from? He's usually the one listening to the dirty talk, not coming out with it.
"God, Dean, you should hear yourself." Cas grips his hips hard enough to bruise, and rocks against him, their hard, bare cocks lining up and generating delicious friction. Dean is already wet and slick with precome, and by the feel of Cas he is too. They won't last long like this, rutting against each other like horny teenagers. Dean takes control, grabbing for one of Cas' hands and bringing two fingers to his lips. Slowly, without breaking eye contact, he laps at them then takes them slowly into his mouth, sucking on them and getting them as wet as he can. They should probably use lube, but it would mean one of them getting up again and he desperately doesn't want that to happen. Spit will have to do, at least for now; it isn't ideal, and Dean knows he will be feeling the burn for days, but fuck it. He doesn't care. He wants Cas.
Cas is shy and too gentle to start with. It takes a moment or two of Dean arching his back and pushing his ass against Cas' slick fingers before anything happens. But when it does, it's so worth the wait. Two of Cas' fingers push in to the first knuckle, wet with Dean's saliva, and they both groan at the sensation. They kiss slowly, gently, and Dean shivers from the feeling of being stretched open. Cas seems reluctant to push in more, in case he hurts him, so Dean wiggles his hips in encouragement.
"Go on… give me more, baby. I want it."
Cas' mouth is on his, licking in deep and exploring, and he gets into a slow rhythm as his confidence builds and he pushes in deeper. Dean loves every second of it: naked and lying spread out on top of Cas, being pleasured by his hand alone, his cock trapped between them and desperate moans spilling quietly from his lips. Cas shifts and his fingers push even deeper - Dean gasps and arches. Cas removes his fingers and, after a moments hesitation, touches them to Dean's lips again. Dean moans and takes them in, sucking and licking and soaking them with his spit as much as he can. Cas slips a third finger into his mouth and watches with a slightly awed expression as Dean sucks, panting around his hand. He tries to reach between them for Cas' cock, wanting to make him feel just as good as he does, but his hand is batted away, as the now-soaked fingers return to his clenching, eager hole.
"No. This is all for you. Relax and enjoy." Cas kisses his nose and twists his hand sharply, eliciting a cry from the man above him. Dean has never felt pleasure this intense, and it ebbs and crests beautifully. He feels weirdly like he could cry, but before he can act on that urge Cas scissors his fingers, stretching him even wider, and fuck that's good.
It's new and intensely erotic, lying on top of Cas like this, being deeply fingered and enjoying such sensual kisses at the same time. Dean is in freakin' heaven. Cas fingers are thick and twisting just right, sliding in and out in tender thrusts, brushing his prostate every third or fourth time. It's enough to keep Dean in a haze of pleasure, but also keeps him guessing, rocking his hips in arousal and moaning quietly. He shifts, his thighs on the outside of Cas', but doesn't sit up to straddle him. The feeling of their bare chests together is perfect, and he nuzzles the soft skin of Cas' throat as hot, thick fingers brush his prostate again, circling and massaging and sending white-hot sparks of pleasure ricocheting through Dean's veins. His cock throbs, trapped between their stomachs and dropping precome, and he rocks his hips gently to gain friction. The movement forces him back onto Cas' fingers and he groans as the pleasure builds and builds.
"Fuck yeah, Cas. Gimme another," Dean pants against the skin of Cas' neck, groaning low in his throats when a third finger reaches him, stretching him open and sending ecstasy spiralling through him right to his toes. "Oh yeah, fuck, right there. Mmm, yeah."
Cas fucks him slowly, three fingers sinking impossibly deep, until Dean is writhing on top of him, arching and canting his hips to grind his cock into Cas' stomach. The tips of those fingers come to rest on his prostate and start rubbing and circling again, this time with the clear intent of pushing him over the edge. Dean shoves himself up onto an elbow to look at Cas, panting, and the sight of the other man's lust-drunk expression makes him gasp as the pleasure crests. He wants Cas' cock but damn, this is too intoxicating. He needs to come. He pushes his ass down onto Cas' hand, mewling and crying out as his balls start to tighten. Fuck, fuck… He drops his forehead to Cas' collarbone and closes his eyes. He's so close, almost there…
"Come for me, Dean." Cas growls up at him, pressing deeper and rubbing deep inside Dean and that does it. He comes, hard, pulsing stream after stream of semen between them with a low cry, his inner muscles spasming around Castiel's fingers. The pleasure is so intense and so fucking perfect that he can't hold in his desperate moans. Just when he's seeing stars, starting to come down from the high as his muscles unclench and is thinking that Cas is going to stop, the other man twists his hand again. He exerts just a little more pressure on that tender spot inside Dean and, with a shocked shout, he comes again. His cock pulses and throbs deliciously as he spills more come onto their slick stomachs, his vision whiting out as his whole body tightens and jerks against Cas, the incredible stimulation sending every nerve ending haywire. It takes him a second to realise Cas' free hand is covering his mouth, muffling his helpless cries.
"Cas… Cas… oh, god…"
Cas pulls back, just a little, leaving three fingers inside him as Dean's rim clenches and quivers around them. He's panting, vision speckled and cloudy as he comes down slowly from a high of unbelievable pleasure. He's never come like that before, ever. Cas kisses him deeply, his free hand coming up to cup Dean's jaw, and they explore each other's mouths languidly as the fingers inside him start to thrust gently again, sliding in and out at a torturously slow pace, tugging at his tender rim and opening him up. He's just come twice in very quick succession - and is sort of wondering if it was all one drawn-out orgasm - when his softening dick gives an interested twitch. No way can Cas get him turned on again so quickly, he's way too old for that… isn't he?
"Are you OK?" Cas murmurs against his mouth, the tip of one finger finding his prostate and circling so erotically slowly, and Dean's low cry goes on and on. He's overstimulated, it's too much, but he reaches behind him and grips Cas' wrist, trying to pull his hand even closer.
"More… don't stop, fuck, Cas, that's so good…"
"Really?" Cas' eyebrows almost disappear into his hair. "You wanna come again?"
"I don't know if I can, but damn. Ahh," Dean arches as Cas crooks his fingers curiously. "Don't you dare stop…"
"Couldn't if I wanted to," Cas kisses him, hand behind his neck holding him there as he explores Dean's mouth with his tongue, and focuses his attention on fingering him again, deep and slow. Dean is drenched in sweat, eyes glazed, and the edges of his consciousness feel fuzzy. He's completely blissed out from coming on Cas' hand, and with the gentle movements inside him he swears he could reach another orgasm if only Cas would continue. Which seems exactly what the other man intends to do.
"Gonna come again for me, baby?" The words are murmured into the sweat on his neck, fingers massaging his prostate as his hips jerk of their own accord and he whimpers helplessly. His whole body is on fire with pleasure, and he doesn't feel like he could push himself up off Cas if his life depended on it. He's hardening again, his balls aching beautifully, and he's pushing back on the fingers inside him with abandon. "Love seeing you like this, letting go. Giving yourself over to me completely. Love pleasing you, love making you come." Lips on his, hot and tempting, and Dean closes his eyes, kissing back hungrily. "You like that? Just there?"
There are four fingers in him now, stretching his wet rim, and Dean drops his forehead to Cas' shoulder and moans, a long drawn out litany of gasps and cries as Cas starts to thrust his fingers again, in and out in a deep rhythm that has both their bodies rocking together on the sofa.
"Please… please…" He isn't even sure what he's begging for. His voice sounds distant, disconnected from him in his haze of pleasure, and a particularly firm thrust to his prostate has him arching and keening, biting down on Cas' shoulder. "Oh, God…"
"Gonna come?" Cas sounds awestruck. "Gonna come again, baby? Come on my hand, that's it, just on my fingers. Love you, Dean."
Dean's whole body goes rigid, fingers digging roughly into Cas' biceps, and he feels a low-building pleasure start in his belly, deep inside him where Cas has three fingers against that sweet spot, and he comes with a strangled, keening wail. Comes a third time, on his lover's hand, and it's so intense that his howl dies in his throat and he loses consciousness for a second, his spent cock still dripping come as Cas shifts and withdraws his hand. The last thing he remembers is soft words, and gentle hands petting his hair before he passes out.
They manage to stumble to the bedroom, Cas practically holding him up, and despite the other man's protests that he's fine and doesn't need any attention, Dean pushes him onto his back and gives him a long, slow blow job. He's totally spent, exhausted, but he's sure if he hasn't just had three indescribable orgasms that he could come just from the feeling of Cas hot and heavy on his tongue. He cups the heavy balls in his palm and massages gently, loving the sounds his movements draw from the other man's lips. He works Cas into an arching, moaning frenzy with his lips and tongue, deep-throating him as the man grips the sheets and tosses his head from side to side, until Cas is close to coming.
When he feels Cas start to tense up, he pulls off and immediately straddles him, enjoying the shocked expression in the lust-blown eyes. Slowly, he guides the head of Cas' thick cock to his own slack, wet hole, and sinks down until he's in Cas' lap and their bodies are joined. It's one of his dirtiest secrets: he loves riding cock. Loves the control of making a man come apart beneath him, loves rocking and grinding himself down on a thick shaft until he comes. He knows he won't be able to orgasm again, he's too fucking tired, but this is all about Cas, so he makes it as good for him as he possibly can.
Cas, tired, grips Dean's hips and just watches him from his position sprawled out on the bed. His legs are slightly parted, forcing Dean's thighs wide, and as a result the angle is impossibly deep. Cas moans, low and needy, and arches up to meet Dean's ass as he grinds down.
When Cas comes, his whole body locks up and he keeps his gaze steadily on Dean's face the whole time. His lips part on a cry, his fingers dig into the muscle above Dean's hips, and he arches just enough to drive himself impossibly deep. His hard length pulses deliciously, filling him up, and Dean whispers that he loves him too as he watches Cas ride out his pleasure.
Spent and exhausted, they cuddle up together in the afterglow, after Cas has snagged baby wipes to give them a quick clean up, and Dean drifts off to sleep as Cas whispers sweet nothings into his hair.
