A/N: Okay, I'm a terrible person. It's been ages since I've updated, but I'm back now! I hope you all enjoy this chapter- it gave me a lot of trouble. When my poor beta read through the first draft her only comment was "There's a difference between 'fluff' and the Quilted Northern factory." Since then, this chapter has been through a MAJOR rewrite and has (hopefully) improved drastically. I hope you enjoy!

Chapter Nine- Confessions

Jess had never heard Becker open up like this about his personal life. She had always known him to be an extremely private person, taciturn to the point of standoffish. In fact, prior to this night, the longest conversation she could remember having with him had been the day Matt had announced he was replacing the ARC's conventional weapons with the EMDs, which had resulted in Becker ranting to Jess for nearly an hour about the necessity of "real guns" in the field. It usually took her weeks of coercion, wheedling, and prying to get any personal information from him. Her momentary surprise at his willingness to talk was quickly replaced with concern when she realized the implication of his statement. An invitation to ask him questions was almost certainly a sign of how hopeless he considered his situation.

"All right," she began slowly, "there is something I've been wanting to ask you."

He raised his eyebrows, waiting for her to continue.

She took a deep breath and asked "Why did you come back? To the ARC, I mean," she clarified quickly. "In your file… Well, I know you didn't want to when they first asked."

"No, I didn't."

"So why did you change your mind? What made you decide to come back?"

"After… After Connor, Abby, and Danny went missing… After Sarah died, I wanted to quit. I wanted to walk away from everything and pretend like it never happened, but… I've never had a life outside the military. I had nowhere else to go. And when I was told they were going to continue the project…" His voice trailed off.

Jess nodded, trying for a moment to imagine what it might have been like to work at the ARC during that time. In the past year, they had certainly known hard times and lost good people, but she could not imagine losing four members of the team so close together, especially so soon after the loss of the man who had started everything, Nick Cutter. But it was more than that for Becker. He had not just lost coworkers: he had lost friends. Some of the files from the old days at the ARC included personal pictures of the team when they were off-duty. It was obvious they had been a close-knit group. To be the only person left… She felt her eyes begin to fill with tears as she thought about how hard that had been for Becker.

"I'm so sorry."

Becker looked confused as he searched her face for an explanation. "Sorry for what?"

"For everything that happened. I know I've said it before, but… I'm so sorry about everything that happened."

He said nothing, but nodded his understanding.

"And I'm sorry for earlier," she continued, deciding to get all her apologizing done in one go. "You were angry I came to the site with Connor and Abby. If I had left when you told me to, maybe none of this would have happened. You wouldn't have gotten hurt and we wouldn't be here now."

He sighed heavily before speaking. "Jess, listen to me: none of this is your fault. I wasn't angry with you. I just wanted you to leave before you got hurt. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I'm sorry I did." He reached up to awkwardly cover her hand with his.

She nodded and smiled faintly at his apology, wiping her eyes with her free hand. He was becoming increasingly pale and was beginning to slur his words. It was obvious he was growing weaker, but she could think of nothing she could do other than to keep him awake for as long as possible. Hopefully until help arrived.

"I know; you were just trying to do your job." It was his job, she reminded herself firmly, to worry about her. Anything else was nothing more than her lovesick imagination getting the best of her.

"You don't belong in the field," he said softly after a moment of silence, his voice completely devoid of emotion. "You aren't trained for it."

She could not believe they were having this conversation, here and now. But he was still awake and that was the important thing. And, a selfish voice in her head added, you'll probably never get him to talk like this ever again. "Maybe not, but I can do more than sit behind a computer and type, you know. I helped you at Ethan's."

"And look where that got you," Becker said a little louder, pausing as he coughed violently, pulling his hand away from hers to cover his mouth. Flecks of blood appeared on his hand as he did, which he immediately wiped onto his vest, the look on his face imploring her not to mention it. "Why don't you ever just listen to me? If you had left when I told you, you wouldn't be here now."

"Yes, well, you wouldn't be here at all if I had left you back there with the bomb in Ethan's flat like you ordered me to," she countered, flinching even as she spoke, immediately regretting her words.

The sentence hung awkwardly in the air between them. They had both been so careful to avoid the subject since the incident, and now that it was in the open with nothing else to distract them, neither knew what to say.

"It's not-" He paused for a moment. "It's not that I think you aren't capable. You're brilliant, you really are. But out in the field, on the front lines facing down bombs and anomalies… It's not your place, Jess. This is the second time you've ended up out in the field and both times have ended with you nearly being killed."

"That's hardly my fault," she insisted, shifting restlessly on the cold concrete floor. "And I'm not saying I even want to be in the field. But I want you to stop treating me like… like some silly schoolgirl always in need of saving."

"That's not what anyone thinks of you. I just want to protect you. You're part of the team. It's my job to worry about you."

They fell silent for a moment as Jess contemplated his last statement. Somehow he seemed to know what she was thinking because after a moment he added:

"I try not to get too close to anyone on the team. It just makes things more complicated and if something happened to them… It's just difficult."

"How is that working out for you?" she asked. Her tone was light and teasing, but there was sincerity behind her question.

He did not answer, but the look on his face said enough.

"This job is hard on everyone," she continued. "Do you have any idea what it's like for me, trapped in the Hub, watching you lot get chased around by monsters and lunatics like Ethan?"

She felt a little silly and insensitive lecturing him while he was trapped with her and injured, but she knew she was unlikely to get another chance to tell him how she felt.

"You're the best, Becker. Everyone respects and admires you. You're kind and strong and brave and…" She paused, searching for more adjectives to describe him.

"There's a difference between brave and foolish," he said, his voice now barely above a whisper.

"Don't say that," she admonished him. "You're practically a superhero! You're wonderful and you're the only person I know who doesn't think so too. But you act like your life doesn't mean anything. Why are you so bent on punishing yourself?"

"Maybe I deserve it. No matter how you try to justify it or explain it, they are dead because of me. It was my job to keep them safe, and now they're dead. It doesn't get much simpler than that."

"No one blames you for anything that happened except you."

"Maybe you haven't noticed, but nearly every mission ends in you taking some ridiculous risk in order to protect the team."

"It's my job- my responsibility- to keep them safe. Of course I take risks, just like everyone else does in this job."

"No, Becker," she argued, "not like everyone else. You treat every anomaly like it's your own personal suicide mission. Don't you know that we all care about your safety too? That we want you to come back alive just as much as the others?"

"Jess, don't-" he tried to interrupt her, but she continued as though she had not heard him.

"I care about you."

There it was. He knew she cared about him. And he cared about her. And somehow, he knew if he would just admit those facts out loud, there was a chance he could be happy. But how long could that happiness really last? Though it was not something he ever discussed with anyone, he had seen a lot of injuries in his time serving overseas. He had no illusions about his chances of surviving.

"Don't you care about me?" she asked, her voice cracking as she spoke. "We flirt, you bring me chocolate, and then the thing at Ethan's happens and you shut me out. I don't understand."

She looked so sad. He could not stand to be the one causing her pain, and so he took a deep breath and decided to answer her question honestly.

"Jess, you are important to me. I care about you. More than as a coworker and more than as Head of Security. More than as a friend."

She was temporarily rendered speechless. She could not believe she had admitted her feelings for him out loud. His response was the last thing she had expected him to say and she was not sure how to respond. She had waited so long for him to notice her, and apparently he had. After a moment's hesitation she opened her mouth to speak but he cut her off before she could begin.

"You're brilliant and funny and beautiful, and I wish…"

"Becker, maybe you should rest for a while." As much as she wanted him to finish his sentence, his voice had barely risen above a whisper since the beginning of the conversation.

"Jess, let me… Let me finish. It was always going to end this way. The anomalies destroy everyone who works with them long enough. It was always just a matter of time before my luck ran out. I couldn't ask you to go through the same pain I went though. I'm not worth it. You deserve to be happy."

Jess knew this was one argument she would never be able to win, but she suddenly found she could not stop once she had started. She had spent so much time holding back, not allowing herself to say anything, and it seemed now was her only chance to get everything off her chest. In for a penny, in for a pound, as her grandmother would have said.

"Shouldn't I get to decide that for myself?" she challenged him gently. "Becker?" He had not opened his eyes again since he had last spoken and had shown no indication that he had heard her. "Becker!"

A/N: I hope you enjoyed this chapter! As always, if you have a moment, please review- I am addicted to feedback! As I mentioned before, this chapter went through several major rewrites which will require some further rewrites in the next few chapters. I promise to have the next one up as soon as possible!