Author's Chapter Notes:
excuse me if some of this makes no sense, (ex: she didnt has no it is fun.) or something of that sort. I kind of kept falling asleep while writing this D:
-(FIRST DAY OF 10TH GRADE/2ND YEAR OF HIGHSCHOOL/SOPHOMORE)-
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As you stride down the hallway, eyes cautiously look your way. You smile as take notice of some kids showing others what was probably your video, on their phones, quickly spreading it around to the entire school. A couple of the other cheerleaders would snikker while watching the video and then throw a compliment your way as you passed. The first bell rings and everyone scurries off to their new classes. You enter your first class and take a seat near the back again. You stare out the window with your elbow on the table and your head resting on your hand, mind wandering while the teacher takes roll.
"Mari Derfu?"
"Here."
"Richard Smith?"
"Here."
"Rachel Berry?"
You snap out of your haze as you hear the name. You didn't see her in the class so you figured it ment that she isn't in it. You should of known better since you were both previously in advanced classes and got high grades. So here you are, listening to the teacher call for one Rachel Berry, but only getting silence in return. She must of decided to not even show up today, despite it being the first day of school. Good choice.
The ringing of the bell for the next class startled you out of your thoughts. You leave the classroom and start down the hall to your 2nd period class until Finn comes out of nowhere.
"Hey Quinn" he greets you.
"Hey you. I missed you over summer" you lie. You really hadn't. You had almost forgotten about him actually.
"Ya, I did too. Actually, I was wondering... Do you even still like me? I know you were really busy over the summer but you didn't even want to hang out at all."
"Of course I still do. Why are you even asking that? ... Are you trying to break up with me?" you question him, a small spark of anger lighting up in you.
"Uhm, ya I kind am huh." he looks slanted at the floor, his hand scratching the back of his head.
"Wow. Ok. Go have fun being a loser like that then." you scoff before walking your way past him and leaving him behind.
Once again before you know it, its lunch. You claim the Cheerios table and watch as some of the other kids look lost as to where they should sit. You see Finn off in another corner with some of the football guys. You watch as girl walks up to him with a warm smile on her face and asks to sit with him, which he accepted. What is he doing? She was some lower nerdy white girl; why would he want her to sit with him? Was he trying to piss her off on purpose? Once people realise that hes given you up for some dweeb, everyone will think that you're the loser instead of him. Ugh. All you want right now is for this day to end already; too many emotions have risen up in you that you really didn't expect to end up having today.
"Whoa, whos that piece of white chalk sitting with Hudson?" Santana slides into the seat next to you.
"I have no clue, but they're being overly friendly." you respond.
"Ok whoa hold up. Is he cheating on you?"
"No because he broke up with me." you say in annoyance as you stare at him.
"What a douche. I hope it ruins his reputation."
"I'm actually more worried about mine..." you trail off.
"Don't worry Quinn, you'll be fine" Brittany perks up. You totally hadn't noticed her there and it startled you a bit.
"Thanks Britt" you give a small smile in response.
The rest of the day's classes are pretty much the same as always: boring. But you're still upset about Finn and that girl. You're not jealous, you're just uncertain of what will happen to you when others find out of your breakup.
During cheer practice after school, you channel your emotions into the exercises and rude commands at the other cheerleaders. By the time you're done, you're exhausted, physically and mentally. You drive home and then routinely shower, eat, and get ready for bed. You decide to turn your computer and check the videos you had put up last night. Comments after comments filled up the page, harassing Rachel. "What a scare'd little bitch she is." "Thats what she gets for being vegan." "Great job on pulling this prank off on her. I don't think anyone could beat this, but we'll try! Lets think of other things we can do to her." "How about egging her house?" "Even better would be actually egging her." The conversations and ideas and insults against Rachel go on and on and on, so you stop reading right there. You turn off your computer and hop into bed. You lay there for a while, thinking about what could happen if Rachel showed up at school tomorrow, before you finally drift off to sleep.
-(SECOND DAY OF 10TH GRADE/2ND YEAR OF HIGHSCHOOL/SOPHOMORE)-
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It was early before school but you want to be there so you could run on the track for a while, trying to let all your thoughts escape as you push yourself. After a while, you give up and head for the locker room to take a shower. Once done and changed, you head off to your school locker to drop off some of your books. As you stroll down the hall, you pass the principals office. You hear a loud arguing man inside and so you stop right outside the door to eavesdrop.
"I will not and cannot accept what has happened to our daughter! An atrocious act has happened to her and you won't do anything about it? You won't punish the kids who mentally scar'd our child? What kind of principal are you."
"I'm sorry but I cannot take any action without someone confessing about it." you hear Principal Finnigs.
"This is redicilous..." you hear pacing.
"Hey, it'll be ok. Someone who was there will feel guilty soon enough and spill their guts on what happened." you hear another man say, trying to soothe the upset one.
"They better, or I will rip their guts out and hang them out in the sun of a desert to dry!" he responsed in an uproar. Just from his words, you're already afraid of this man.
"Daddy, its ok. You don't need to do anything..." you hear a girl say softly.
"Rachel, I'm not going to let who did this to you get away with it! I cannot stand to see you like this."
Rachel. He said Rachel. Shes in there. Those are her fathers. And from the sound of it, her dad may want to slaughter you, but Rachel only sounds sad, dissapointed even. Dissapointed in you? Perhaps you traumatized her more than you had wanted. But the way she said that they didn't need to do anything to you makes you think that maybe she knows that you'd actually do something.
"Just please don't do anything to them if you find out who it is" she begs sadly.
It hurts to know that even after what you did to her, she doesn't want anything to happen to you.
"Why won't you tell us who did it?" the calmer man asks.
"Because I don't want you to lay it out on them because there is so much more to it. I just know it ok."
It hurts to know that she cares for you. It hurts so much because you know you aren't deserving of her care, of anyone's in fact. This wasn't supposed to happen. She wasn't supposed to respond this way. Maybe this was all just a mistake, maybe you went too far and in the end prooved to her that your problems are real, and thats why she seems so dismissive of what happened to her and instead is focusing on why you did it, what you had to channel to go through with it, the feelings deep inside of you.
You can't stand this. You can't listen and know anymore that what you have already. You run back to your locker. For some reason, in the back of your head, you decided to have brought a kit with you to school yesterday to store in your locker. You aren't sure why; you didn't really think you'd need it anymore anywhere, at least not at school. But something had been nagging you deep down inside, so you made it and stuck it in your bag and then hid it in your school locker. You shove the rest of your books inside and then grab the kit and rush off to the bathroom. You get into a stall and open it up on the top of the metal toiletpaper box. You take off your cheer top and throw it ontop of the door. You take a blade out, gazing at it while you admire it's beauty. A causer of destruction but also so much relief. You rest the flat side of it on your chest, feeling the coldness of it's metal, giving you chills. You move the blade so it's edge is on your ribs, and drag it along your skin, hard. But in the middle of your slice, you hear the bathroom door open. Damnit, why do you always have the worst timing. Its still before the time that people usually start arriving at school; almost no one should be here right now. You listen as her feet stop, but then rush to infront of your stall.
"Quinn?"
Rachel. You should of known.
"Quinn?" she repeats. "Are you there?"
"Go away, leave me alone" you plead, sounding annoyed.
"No. I refuse" she declared.
"Why are you even in here" you question.
"Because its a bathroom" she says as though its obvious.
"Go use another then."
"Why don't /you/ use another bathroom if you're so bothered by me being here?" she counters stubornly.
"Fine." You're absolutly pissed off. Why does this have to happen to you. Why isn't punishing you by yourself enough for Karma?
You get a gauze* and lightly wrap yourself up hastily before putting your top back on. After quickly shoving your kit back together, you grab it and barge through the stall door, hoping to get away before she can say anything. She prevents your escape by grabbing your arm from behind and turns you around to face her.
"Quinn." she says, her face serious. "Give it to me."
"No." you respond sternly.
"Quinn." she says again, her eyes fierce.
"Why don't you ever understand? No means no!" you yell before you yank your arm out of her grasp and sprint out of the bathroom, not stopping until you got to football field's bleachers and hid under them. As you stand hunched over, trying to catch your breath, you wince at the pain on your chest. You partially take your top off only to see that you've bled through the bandages, probably from over exerting yourself. But it doesn't matter. You take off the blood soaked cloth and throw it to the side, not really caring at the moment if someone finds it. You only have one thing in mind again. You take the previously used razor, wipe it off, and then slowly slide it across your skin, taking in the feelings: the relief, the comfort, the feeling that everything is or will be ok.
After a while, you hear the school bell ring, signaling to go to first period. You really hadn't been keeping track of time. You wrap yourself up well and then fast walk to your locker to get your books and hide your kit. Luckily no one had seen you, but it also ment that you'd be a minute or so late to class. You enter the classroom, all eyes focusing on you, so you say a quick quiet "sorry" and then go to your seat. On the way, you spot Rachel out of the corner of your eye. Shes watching you, probably knowing that you had continued to cut somewhere else, and then feeling guilty that she couldn't help you. But you don't need anyone's help, especially her's since what you do to yourself is mostly caused by your reactions to her. Having her help would make everything so much worse; you can't afford to let her in, so you won't.
About 10 minutes into the class, the PA speakers click on.
"Students" Figgins starts. "I have been informed about a very lewd act that had been cast upon one of our students."
Everyone in the class slightly turns and eyes Rachel; they all know that she is the student that the principal is talking about.
"If anyone has any information or would like to confess, please see me in my office during any free period." the PA clicks off.
Everyone then slightly turns to you too, and you give them all hard glares, dareing them that if they tell on you, their fate will be in your hands.
"Ok class" the teacher interrupts the awkward tension of the silence. She continues to dicuss what you're going to be doing in class, but no one is paying much attention. Some are whispering and giggling to each other, probably making Rachel the butt of their jokes. Others are texting, possibly to spread the word to not talk to Figgins or possibly to also make fun of Rachel too.
Class ends but in the hall, the kids still acted the way they were in your class. Although Rachel is walking way ahead of you, you could hear laughter from the people she walks by. She must of been the butt of all their jokes because even by lunch, it doesn't seem to have died down at all. As you're sitting at your usual table, one of the football players from a huddled group of boys comes over to you.
"Hey Quinn." He was one of the guys that was with you the other night. "We" he points him thumb back at the group of guys behind him "would like to know if you want to join us after school to do another prank on Berry. We're going to wait 'till she gets to her car and then egg her." his grin showing his excitement at his group's idea.
"Sorry but I have cheer pratice after school and Coach would kill anyone who ditches, so its best if I don't join you." Although its true, you also just don't want to do the egging.
And honestly, you don't think you could even stand watching it happen to her.
"Ok ya, we don't really need your coach murdering you, so I guess we'll have to do without" he acknowledges. "See you around then." He goes back to his table.
The rest of the day was pretty much the same as the first portion; people were still obviously talking about Rachel. At cheer, you push yourself hard, which results in feeling like you most likely riped your wounds open. You wait behind until all the other girls leave before showering and changing. You walk out to your car and get in and just sit there, not really thinking at all, your mind blank. After a long while you start the engine and drive away. Once home, you turn on your computer and go online. Someone had recorded the egging and uploaded it. Rachel has this look of absolute terror all over her face. It was wrong, so very wrong. You know that what you did was wrong too, but there was a different sort of meaning behind it rather than just for fun and laughs, and Rachel knew that and had decided to accept it. You have no clue why though; you aren't deserving of it at all. She should hate you, loathe you for making her life so miserable. Nothing makes much sense anymore.
You go to bed with those thoughts running over and over again in your head. Somehow you eventually fall asleep.
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Chapter End Notes:
ya sorry this took so long to get out. for some reason I only really like to write at night, but I kept falling alseep :( next chapter is a big event, perhaps I'll get it out before I'll be busy for a week.
