A week after the Pai Sho game, it was Lin who walked into Kuvira's cell, not Korra. She held a wooden radio and her classic scowl.
"Try to bend this, right now. I couldn't, but for all I know, you've picked up more than me," Lin said.
There were some metal pieces inside the little machine, but Kuvira couldn't bend them. Must be made of purified metals. "I can't."
Lin raised a brow. "And you tried?"
"Yes."
Lin set it down on the table. "Well, congratulations, you can now write home to my nephew that you have a radio."
It still stung thinking about Baatar. "Is Avatar Korra coming in this week?"
"fraid not. She's been called to Ba Sing Se on official business. She hopes to be back next week, but don't count on it." Kuvira expected Lin to leave right then, but instead she turned on the radio and started tinkering with it. "Just so you know, I know where you're coming from with Su. I know how extreme she can be, whether with her love or her cruelty." Lin paused. "I really hope you aren't waiting on her to open her eyes and realize that you really were her daughter, and that she should try to mend things."
Kuvira crossed her arms, focused on the radio. "I'm not."
"Good. Because if anything, the disappointment Su's going to give you for the next thirty years will sink you far faster than the isolation of prison."
"Are you really going to keep me on suicide watch for the next thirty years?"
Lin shrugged. "Probably not, but if you give us reason to keep up the surveillance, we will. You make this sentence what you want."
With that, Lin left. Kuvira moved over to the radio, switched through a few stations, and settled on one playing jazz music. She'd read the newspaper that morning, and there had been nothing of worth. She figured there'd be no reason to focus on the outside world when her own little bubble had just gotten monumentally better. She looked to the mirror, mouthed, "thanks," and turned back to her workplace.
Spirits, she'd really been looking forward to seeing Korra this week. She wanted to ask her if any of the roaming bandits had returned with Wu's rule; how the idiot's "democracy" thing was going; how all her friends were doing; and if she had parole. Her dreams had sifted away from desire in the night to anxieties shifting into nightmares so elusive she could only remember their contents for seconds after waking up. She'd tried to record them on a piece of paper by her bed, and had words like "Su," "the guard," "Zaheer," and "re-education" on the paper in barely legible writing.
She still couldn't remember the exact content of the dreams, but she could see unresolved guilt when she saw it. Spirits, even within the six or so months she'd been in prison, the amount of times she told herself she was sickened by her re-education camps, forcing towns to join the Empire, killing everyone she did to show off her weapon, and causing such pain to her adoptive family hadn't let her forgive herself. Recently, she thought about the Beifongs she didn't think about much—Huan and Baatar Sr. How they had been as much a part of her foster family, yet she didn't even think about what she did to them. She had the vaguest memory of watching Baatar confront his father and brother after they refused to bow to her. She remembered being so unconcerned with those two bowing to her, or at least it didn't give her the satisfaction that seeing Su do it would've. Those two, they were so innocent in the scheme of things—they didn't try to assassinate her, they didn't stop her as she was about to beat Korra, and they didn't spit in her face when she apologized. In fact, when Baatar ranted about his father was one of the only times Kuvira knew to stay quiet and just listen to him.
She just didn't have the hatred in her that Baatar had for his father, and she'd always liked Huan as a kid. When they all did their earth bending training, Kuvira was often paired with Huan, and she was one of the first ones that he admitted that he didn't want to learn how to fight to. Of course, Su hadn't minded his different path, but he had been so scared to tell his mother at first. It had been a team effort, partially on the part of Baatar Sr., that Kuvira even got to live with them, and she remembered the times Baatar Sr. had happily shown her architectural blueprints when Kuvira wanted as thorough an idea of Zaofu as possible when she became a guard.
Maybe if she couldn't get Su to forgive her, she could get her feelings on the table with her children. She'd…hold off on Baatar.
No, she couldn't just start writing letters to everyone but Baatar. She owed her closest friend within the family and ex-fiancé that much respect. If she were going to contact anyone, she'd contact Baatar.
She sighed and pulled out her paper and pen. Was she ready to talk to Baatar? She knew if she started talking to him now, she'd have to accept her position as a pen-pal, and in a relationship that made been him making every move, she'd have to grovel for a miracle to get them back together.
Did she…owe him an explanation about why she shot him?
Baatar,
I understand why you're doing what you're doing, but I won't say that it hasn't hurt me to hear how you feel. I know you must hate me, must be so confused as to why I threw our life away together to kill Avatar Korra. It was one of many heartless decisions I made on our campaign, and I'm sorry you, sweet Baatar, were one of the victims. I know how ridiculous it sounds, but I never intended for you to die; I accepted the fact that you may die, but I never wanted it. In the back of my mind, before the Colossus was infiltrated and I lost to Avatar Korra, I told myself I'd go looking for you after the battle was won. I hope you know that.
I'm glad you're doing okay, and that your family is beginning to mend itself. I know you must be fighting it, but don't. You love your family, and you guys deserve to be whole again. Continue this correspondence as you wish, but don't begrudge your family. We did some awful things together, and I never wanted to hurt your family. Don't hurt them any more.
Keep the wedding ring; I just got Aunt Lin to give me a radio, and she won't let me have the ring, regardless of whether or not I can bend it.
Best,
Kuvira
She read the letter over a few times, and deemed it good enough to send to Baatar. She wanted to add a line about how pissed she was that he had broke their engagement over a letter instead of trying to see her in person, but she let it go.
She wrote short letters of apology to all the other Beifong siblings as well as Baatar Sr., but she struggled with writing one to Su. While the others maybe, possibly would read the letters, she knew Su wouldn't.
Yet, the emotions were killing her, and at least now she could get them out as words. She'd just write it and throw it away.
Su,
I wish I could be everything you believe. Trust me when I say that I wish I was the heartless dictator who brainwashed your son and felt nothing for everything that happened. But I know that's not me, and deep down, I know you do too. I know the kind of person you are—the kind of person who forgives people for their wrongdoings and believes that people can change. I know I changed for the worst, but I also have changed for the better.
I know you must still be hurt and angry, but one day I hope you will see me for who I want to be and am. I can never repay you for taking me in as a child and raising me, but the more time I have to sit here and think about it, the more I realize that maybe your rejection of me wasn't that far off. Sitting here, I've begun to realize that you never did see me as a daughter.
It explains far more than I'd like to admit, starting with why Baatar is on house arrest and I'm in prison. Am I angry about this? Yes. But, I don't expect anything to change. Even with this information, my feelings for you haven't changed. I still respect you, and you and Baatar Sr. will always be the parents I never had. You may not consider me a daughter anymore, but I will always consider you my mother.
Best,
Kuvira
She thought about ripping it up, but folded it in half and stuck it under her mattress. She didn't even know if what she wrote made sense, but she did feel just a little bit better.
She switched the radio to another station and picked up a new book. This one was a biography of Princess Azula, given to her by Korra, and she wasn't sure if it was meant to be insulting or not. She wondered if she could lure Lin back out by appealing to Lin's dislike of many of Su's parenting/life tactics. At worst, she could turn on talk radio or a sports station now. She'd survive the week.
Maybe, sometime in the week, she could figure out why she needed the Avatar's company so damn much. Solitary confinement seemed like enough of a reason, but Kuvira couldn't be sure.
The next week, Korra came in with all smiles, but there was something off about that smile.
"Hey, so you know how I told Asami that I was visiting you," Korra said.
"Yes…?" Kuvira answered.
"Well, I might've told more than just Asami. I…told Bolin and Mako and…anyone who asked. I figured you wouldn't care."
Kuvira shrugged. "It's your decision. Doesn't affect me."
"Well, it kind of does." Korra removed her hand from the back of her neck. "Someone wanted to visit you."
"Who?"
Korra actually walked out before saying who was visiting.
"Hey Kuvira." It was Bolin, offering her one of his signature smiles. The smile, however, faded within moments. "Ohh, you don't look happy."
She didn't? She wasn't frowning, was she? "You're fine, Bolin."
He loosened his tense shoulders. "Okay, good. Sorry, you looked mad. I forgot that you always look that way."
Oh, Bolin. She had forgotten how much Bolin lightened the mood. She lifted a brow. "How've you been?"
"Good. Varrick offered another major mover role, but I turned it down." He paused. "Actually, I'm sort of continuing the work I did with you. Aid work, army work."
She smiled. It wasn't a big smile, and probably looked like she was just trying to prove that she didn't look perpetually angry, but it was something. "I'm proud of you. You found your calling. It must feel good."
Bolin rubbed the back of his neck. "Yeah, it's great." He looked around. "Is this a prison cell?"
"Yes. I moved in here a few months ago. It's almost as nice as my apartment back in Zaofu."
"I'm impressed." He paused. "Does Korra visit you a lot?"
"Once a week ever since I was incarcerated."
"Wow, that's commitment. You two must be friends now." Kuvira nodded. "Where did she go, by the way?"
Kuvira began to motion toward the mirror, but stopped. "Bolin, you know me, right?" He nodded. "Let's skip the small talk. Why are you visiting me after everything I put you and your girlfriend's family through?"
Bolin looked at the surface of the table between them before answering. "I idolized you when I first joined you. I'm sure you know that. I loved you and everything you did, what you represented. I followed your lead and doing the aid work we did changed my life in a way I can never thank you enough for. But, once I started to see the darkness to your plans, the coldness in your heart, I regretted everything I did and thought I had to do everything in my power to separate myself from the person I was then. But, then you surrendered, and I thought, for a moment, that I saw the idealistic, passionate woman I began to work for escaping through that icy shell. And, now, I just…I came here because I want to know the truth about the woman I worked for all those years. I want to be sure of myself when I tell my future kids about the time I worked for you."
Bolin had no idea how much those words meant to her. In a way, she couldn't even really process it. Up until then, she believed that Korra would be the only person who would ever forgive her, and only because they'd spent, what, hours in the Spirit World cutting themselves open and revealing their fears and regrets to each other.
Kuvira exhaled. "What would you need to know?"
"Just how…how much of everything was real?" She furrowed her brow. "Like, how nice you were. I mean, you were always intense, but what we did—we saved lives, fed starving people, helped turn impoverished towns into not only stable but flourishing areas. And, that couldn't be fake, so when did the facade come up? When did you start forcing towns to join the Empire, making the re-education camps, thinking that super weapon would be…a good idea?" Bolin winced.
Kuvira exhaled. She had spent a long time thinking about this, but she still didn't have the right words for it. She glanced up at the mirror, almost 100% certain that Korra was watching them.
"I can't give you a definite answer if you're asking how I justified what I did. Looking back, there were so many decisions I made that I can't understand now. Forcing the states—yes, it was tough love, I suppose. The re-education camps…" she sighed, "that's where everything started going down a dark road. They started out as prisons where we sent bandits who still posed a threat after any state was annexed, but the men or women weren't fit to join the army. When I started throwing dissenters in, I was already neck-deep in the power bath." She shook her head. "I can even remember telling myself that I was taking the power on as a burden so my people could be ruled fairly. Spirits, Bolin, there wasn't logic in it, there wasn't brave sacrifices. At one point, it just started to make sense with no morality behind it." She glanced at the water cup she'd left by her bed. "Here's the best comparison I can make: have you ever been really drunk?"
Bolin looked around. "Yeaaaah, once or twice."
"That's what that kind of power feels like. It overtakes you, and you feel so good, so strong, and that everything in life is going so well. You don't think twice about something because the feeling means more than the thought. You think you thought it over, but really, you didn't. You stumble along, and everyone else can tell you how far you've drifted from your true self, but as far as you're concerned, you're as in control and yourself as ever. And, before you know it, you've commissioned a giant mecha tank for your super weapon in a machine that only you can control and suddenly a land that has been historically integrated seems like a great last edition to an already complete puzzle. In those moments, I felt as much a strong and self-sacrificing leader as I did when I first set out."
"When did you realize that what you were doing was wrong?"
"That's the thing. That didn't occur to me for a while. When you guys broke into the Colossus and the arm stopped working and it blew up…like I said, drunks don't even realize how drunk they are even after the negative effects of the alcohol start showing up. I didn't even realize it when I shot that gun. It wasn't that what I was doing was wrong, it was that it was out of my control. It wasn't until Korra and I landed in the Spirit World that it started to dawn on me."
Bolin smiled a little. "Like a hangover?"
"A hangover that still hasn't ended, and even if it does, rehab is thirty years. Yes." She paused. "Does any of that make sense?"
"It does, but I guess I can't figure out how you went through with the littler things, the dirty work you did yourself. I mean, you nearly threw Varrick off a train and used Zhu Li as target practice for a superweapon. That's some cold stuff. You never thought…"
"No. Part of the drunk on power feeling is the feeling that every little means justifies the end. I know now how horrible I was."
Bolin shook his head. "I guess the craziest part is that…I mean, do you remember the way things were when I first joined you? You were always as professional as you were for all three years, but things were so much lighter. We talked a lot. We celebrated our successes, and you were part of the celebration. I just can't imagine what could've changed that took away the happiness of what we did. I mean, truly, were you happy as we got near the end?"
"Are you talking about not accepting Zhu Li's victory tea?"
"No. Well, yes, but I mean…don't you remember? You used to give me all this insider information about the Beifongs when you learned that I started dating Opal, you'd make Baatar do hundreds of push ups with you on his back, metal bend away Baatar's glasses when he got too involved trying to explain mechanical failures to us, and even just the way used to smile so much more." He furrowed his brow. "Is that person real, or was she a prop and the ice…metal queen underneath was the real you?"
The memories flooded back, and the nostalgia had a much stronger pull than Kuvira ever expected. Forget wanting her life with the Beifongs as a kid. One of her happiest times were those first few years when her love for Baatar was new, the prospect of joining the extended Beifong family was real, "Aunt" Lin and "brother-in-law" Bolin and all, and she used to have fun and enjoy the company of everyone she worked with.
"That was all real. Those feelings, what I did…I'm sorry that I stopped. I shouldn't have. Eventually, the desire to appear inhuman and invincible in order to gain respect from the states and those watching overtook the necessity for fun and low pressure human interaction. Call it another ridiculous sacrifice I thought I had to make."
"What do you do now? In here?"
Kuvira shrugged. "Read, exercise, sleep. I've recently gotten back into dancing and that radio can pass a few hours. It's a tedious existence, but boring is better than miserable. Haven't gotten there yet."
Bolin's eyes widened for a bit, and Kuvira assumed he'd spotted the scars on her wrists. She hadn't been hiding them, but they only became really visible then.
"By the way, thank you," Kuvira said. "I never got to formally do so when you worked for me. You helped a lot of people while working for me, and I hope you understand the magnitude of your work." She smiled. "Your bending is nothing short of incredible as well."
Bolin then proceeded to hug Kuvira, the kind of embrace where he locked her arms to her side so it wasn't like she could hug him back if she wanted to. And damn that kid, she might want his forgiveness, but physical contact was not part of the deal.
"Bolin, we never did this even when you were my favorite new recruit, and nothing has changed," Kuvira said.
They talked for a bit longer, Bolin asking how the prison sentence was going, and Korra joined a while later. Eventually, Bolin walked out, having just discovered that Lin and the guards were watching him the whole time, leaving Korra with Kuvira.
"Drunk on power, huh?" Korra said, smirking.
"It was the best I could come up with."
"It works, in a weird way. You've come a long way for just six months." She paused. "Sorry about not visiting you last week. I hope everything was okay."
Kuvira nodded. "It was."
It wasn't until long after Korra had left for the day that she realized how monumental that statement was.
That night, as she drifted off to sleep, it was a genuinely sweet memory that graced her thoughts, the first one in so long.
Six months into the Earth Kingdom campaign, and Kuvira had found a new sub-goal along with uniting the territory: whipping Baatar into shape. As she explained to him multiple times over their work together, he couldn't be the lanky engineer nerd he was; he was too valuable, and far too easy a target for anyone wanting to get to her. The least he could do was bulk up, appear a bit more able-bodied than he was.
That day's work done early, she made sure Baatar was working hard that evening.
"Fifteen, sixteen, seventeen..." she said as she sat on his back, all her weight on him.
He was supposed to get to one hundred that night, but seeing as he was already sweating, it might take more than one try. Good thing they had all night.
"What is this really accomplishing? I could barely hit a hundred without you on me," Baatar complained.
"How do you think improvement happens? If you're lucky, maybe I'll drop a leg down at fifty. Don't stop! Eighteen..."
She could feel his arms shake and resisted the brief urge to ease up on him. This was for his own good as much as her's and the army's. Besides, maybe if he gained more muscle mass than she had, he could stop that unconscious inferiority complex problem he had in bed. He'd taken off his glasses for the workout, and she absentmindedly metal bent them around her as she counted.
"C'mon, Baatar, twenty, twenty-one, almost a quarter there," she said.
"I asked you to be my girlfriend, not my drill instructor."
"Your bitterness won't make me ease up. I helped train the dancers, and count your blessings that I'm not doing that training with you."
He huffed and gave a particularly weak push up as he continued his set.
There was a knock on the door, and Baatar crumpled to the ground. Kuvira rolled her eyes and let whoever made Baatar waste twenty-three push ups in. She was underdressed, having taken off the overwear in order to feed Baatar's inferiority complex into motivation by having to look at her shoulder and arm muscles. Letting anyone but a medic or Baatar see her would normally bother her, but she figured anyone who was bothering her had a good enough reason that she could dismiss it.
Instead, it was Bolin, clutching a piece of paper and a box of crayons. His eyes widened and his ears reddened, but he made no move to leave.
"What do you need, Bolin?" she said as she kicked Baatar's side. "Did I tell you to stop?"
"What are you doing to Baatar?" Bolin asked.
Another kick of encouragement and Baatar got back into push up position, groaning the whole way up. "He's trying to gain enough muscle mass to pass for a semi-durable human being instead of a stick of a man that a group of children could kidnap and torture at will."
"Thanks, Kuv," Baatar replied.
Bolin laughed a little. "Good luck, Baatar."
Baatar kept doing the set, even if he clearly wasn't trying hard enough, and Kuvira focused on Bolin. "What do you need?"
He started blushing again. "I uh, it's...It's not a big deal."
She gave him a look. "You came all the way here. Just get it out."
"Well, I was writing a letter to Korra and I thought she'd like accompanying drawings, and as I was drawing everyone, I forgot what side your beauty mark was on."
That was it? She knew she should expect it from Bolin; he was still making the transition between boy and young man, and she told herself that his charisma and lava bending were enough to bear the change.
"The right," she said.
Bolin nodded, dropped to the ground, and used the floor as a makeshift table to draw his single dot on whatever art he'd created for the Avatar, ignoring the perfectly good table a few feet from him. Even Baatar noticed the fumble.
"Bolin?"
He got back up. "Yes, Lady Kuvira?"
"One, don't call me that." He leaned back a bit. "And could you do me a favor? I don't think Baatar here gets what we're trying to do."
"What do you need me to do?"
"Remove your tunic. Show Baatar what a muscled young man should look like."
"He's at least five years younger than me!" Baatar protested.
"Irrelevant," she said to her second-in-command.
Bolin removed his tunic, leaving his arm, shoulder, and torso muscles all visible or outlined through the undershirt he wore. He didn't seem embarrassed at first, but upon looking over at Kuvira, he got red again, as if he'd just realized that she wasn't in full uniform.
"Look at that definition, the amount of muscle, the strength it gives off. That's what you want, Baatar."
"He's a soldier," Baatar hissed.
"As are you. You're just higher ranking. The point is, if a group of bandits or anti-unification group wanted to kidnap someone, they wouldn't choose Bolin. You look like the engineer, and you're a hazard. Now, if you looked more like Bolin, we could take away that anxiety."
She dug a fist in between his shoulder blades, and he sucked air in through his teeth, but didn't collapse.
"Thanks, Boss!" Bolin said as he headed towards the door.
"How bad is that drawing?" Kuvira asked.
"Great!" he said as he closed the door.
A/N: Alright, so a not totally Korra/Kuvira-centric chapter, but I think it's important to give Kuvira a more holistic healing, and although Korra is the main force behind it, I think others can join. :) So, what'd you think? Did you like seeing Kuvira interact with more people than Korra? Was Bolin written okay? Did you like that flashback at the end? (if you can't tell, I'm a Kuvira flashback junkie, and this fic is just too much fun)
School's going to be starting up soon, so I may not get to update as often, but I'll do as best I can.
