a/n: thanks for everyone who read the story so far. I even got a review! (Squeals like a happy fangirl, thank you thank you). I have the next few chapters written out, but I'm trying to make sure it all fits with where I see the story going. The end gets a bit more, PG-13. Nothing too bad though. Certainly not in lemon-land (yet).
The characters belong to Stephenie Meyer, I'm just borrowing them in my happy fantasy land.
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Chapter 9:
BPOV
Why in the hell did Edward follow me back here? Is this some sick game or something? Why is he here. Ugh. Can't I just go home now? I thought.
I decided Edward probably wasn't going to leave willingly unless I just went downstairs. 5 minutes. That was all he was getting. I could hear Jasper screaming at him telling him to leave.
When I saw him, he looked completely crazed. Wild eyed. Panting. When he locked eyes on me, he started crying and sank down onto the couch completely defeated. What the hell is going on here, I thought. It didn't matter, I was through with Edward Cullen and his games. I just needed to send him packing. I came down the steps and motioned to the couch for him to sit down next to me. Hold it together Bella, don't let him see how much he hurt you, I thought.
"Bella" he said, taking my hand in his. I jerked it back. I didn't need his electricity and warmth screwing with my resolve. How dare he touch me? My anger was rising. I wasn't in the mood for games.
"Bella, please, listen to me" Edward pleaded. "I know how all of that looked earlier, I'm going to be honest with you, as I've been all night. Tanya, well our publicists wanted us together for PR, they said it would be on the cover of every magazine if we started 'dating'" he said while putting up his fingers in air quotes.
Was he kidding me here, they weren't dating? How stupid did he think I was? "Oh right and I'm sure her hand on your cock was all for show for the magazines who weren't even there!" I spit. I felt sick to my stomach, I couldn't deal with any of this right now.
His face snapped up at me in anger, his eyes blazing at mine. "Bella, stop, listen to me, let me fucking finish!" he yelled. Edward took a deep breath and continued "So we get drunk or high or whatever one night and we fucked. I'm not proud of it. But she was there and I needed to feel, something, anything with someone. She kept calling me and begging for me, and I mean I did it. When I left I would always feel more vacant than when I went in". He couldn't look at me right now. He kept nervously running his hands through his hair, he looked as if he was crawling out of his skin.
"So I thought maybe if I let her in more, maybe if I gave her the chance to see me, then maybe it could be real, so I took her to the diner, I introduced her to Cedric, I tried to show her me" he continued. He stood up now and started pacing. He really seemed to be unhinged. "She didn't care of course because she is more empty than I am, she thought it was some role playing bullshit. That was the last night we went out together and it was a month ago." He walked to the doorway, his back to me and put his head down on the door frame for a minute. I watched as his hands went through his hair, they were shaking he was so upset.
I was overcome with the need to go to him, to hold him, to stroke his hair and tell him it would be okay. Then I remembered the others and I stayed firmly planted where I was.
"So that is Tanya, who the fuck is Irina or Victoria or Jane then?" I screeched.
Edward dropped to a squat, head in his hands, defeated. He turned to look at me and tears were spilling down his face again. He stood up and walked to me, speaking in almost a whisper as he did so. "Irina was a co-star in a movie, I slept with her once, it was a huge mistake, she was a friend of Tanya's and it just was a bad situation all around. Tanya got off on it, wanted to have a threesome one day". He rolled his eyes in disgust at the mention of her name again, he couldn't look at me, he was just staring at the ground biting his lip in nervous tension.
I inhaled sharply. I really just didn't want to know all of this.
"And Victoria, Jane?" My voice was softer now, bracing myself for the next great blow.
"They were women I would go out with for PR purposes, I never slept with either of them or did anything with them other than pretend, they had other men, but needed more press, so our publicists got us together." He sat down on the couch again and put his head in his hands. "This world Bella, you don't understand it" he said softly "it was like I was telling you earlier, it is all a mask, a game, an act. Even with those women, who I thought could possibly understand me, what I was going through, I was more alone than ever."
I relaxed more on the couch next to him, I positioned myself so I was facing him more now, staring at him. Watching how upset he looked, wanting nothing more than to take him in my arms and tell him everything was going to be okay. He turned and took my face in his hands and rested his forehead on mine.
"Bella, tonight, with you, that was real. That was me, that was Edward. It wasn't Hollywood It Boy. It was me. For the first time in a long time I was me. It was the best night of my life. With you. I didn't want you to see my past just yet because I feared exactly this would happen." He leaned in and put his head on my shoulder, hugging me closer now. My heart was beating fast.
"Bella, I don't need to play games to get women into my bed. More importantly hurting you is the last thing I ever would want to do" he said, gripping my shirt like if he let go, I'd fly away. I let my arms go around his neck, bringing him closer to me. My head was spinning.
"Bella, I know I'm not good for you, I know, but I can't walk away from you. Tonight with you, I felt real. More real than I've ever felt in years. It was like a drug to me. My own personal brand of heroin. I'm addicted to you Bella, the way you make me feel when I am with you, you don't know how long I've been waiting for you." He brought his eyes up to mine and all of the ice in my heart melted away. He feels the same way you do, I thought.
We locked eyes in that moment. I could see his eyes begging me for forgiveness, those beautiful green eyes, so bloodshot and red between the drinking, the crying and the late hour. I took my hand up to his face and I traced the outer corner of his eye with my thumb. His skin felt so smooth and warm under my touch. A realization hit me like a truck, my breath caught for a minute as a familiar face came into my thoughts. It wasn't his fault that I reacted this way tonight, I thought, you reacted that way because it easier to run than it was to face the way you feel. I put my my forehead down on his lips "I'm sorry Edward, I shouldn't have ran out so fast, I should have let you explain". I said. It was my turn to do the apologizing.
"That was the hardest part for me tonight" he whispered "knowing you saw the real me and was repulsed by what you saw".
My eyes shot up to his, I took his face in both hands forcefully and held him in my grasp speaking authoritatively to him now "The real you was not the man parading around with those skanks, that was the mask, I just was too stupid to sit back and take a minute to figure that out. The real Edward Cullen is the man in front of me, raw and exposed, the man who isn't afraid to show himself, flaws and all. The man who I couldn't get enough of tonight." My tears were spilling over my eyes now. My stomach was tied in knots. I turned my back to him and looked down. I was fidgeting nervously with my sleeves.
"Edward, I ran because I'm scared, because I haven't felt this way since James died. I found it easy tonight to just let go, to laugh, to talk. You don't know how long it has been since I felt that way." My tears came faster now. His hands held me around my waist pulling me closer to him. "Nothing tonight felt forced at all and really it should have. You are freaking Edward Cullen. Girls everywhere swoon at the sight of you and tonight you listened to me, to my problems. I told you things I've only thought in my mind for a year. I bared my soul to you."
Edward nuzzled his face in my hair. He felt so warm next to me. I closed my eyes and felt his body next to mine. The lump of guilt started forming in my throat as I remembered James, who for several moments tonight, I forgot ever existed.
"The thing is since we are being honest here, I feel guilty, I feel like betraying James by feeling this way. I pledged my life to him and I feel like I'm turning my back on that life." I sobbed. "I feel guilty because", I stopped short, I couldn't say it out loud just yet. I couldn't tell him that I felt the most guilty because I don't think I had ever felt such a pull to even James in my life. That was the ultimate betrayal of the man I promised to love forever.
He took my arms and turned to me around to face him, took my face in his hands, to hold my eyes to his. His hands felt so strong holding me there. "We have all of the time in the world Bella, I will be whatever you need to be for however long as you need it. I just can't lose you. I'll do whatever it takes" Edward said pleadingly.
I stared into those beautiful green eyes and felt safe and free. Free from the heavy sorrow that held my heart so tightly this past year. I closed my eyes and drank in his smell, I moved my hands over his shoulders feeling his strong arms move down my body and tighten around me. I looked up into his eyes once again and the world melted away around me. There was nothing else right now, only Edward and I.
I leaned in closer, I felt his soft lips graze mine so gently. He was holding back, waiting to see how I'd react. My body came alive at the feel of his soft lips, the smell of skin so close to mine. The floodgates opened and I started kissing him passionately. As if this was the last kiss I would ever have. Tonight may be all I have with him. I hummed softly into his mouth as my hands took on a life of their own, running through his soft hair, pulling him into me closer, feeling his tight muscles around me. My body was on fire, every touch sent shivers down my spine. My stomach was doing flip after flip. It has been so long since I felt like this. I let out a soft moan, it just felt so good.
His hands were exploring my body as well. My face, my arms, my back. His lips were pressed hard against mine, then would part anxiously to my waiting tongue. His lips were so soft but his kisses were so forceful. He pushed me back onto the couch and was on top of me. "Bella" he hummed crashing his lips into mine, sucking my lips with his, move his strong hands on the back of my neck into my hair, grasping and releasing me in his grip. "My Bella".
