I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT WHAT SO EVER! STEPHANIE MEYER RIGHTFULY GETS ALL THE CREDIT! I OWN NOTHING!

Hello again everybody! Just wanted to give Raw a little love so here's another update for my lovely reviewers:) You guys are the absolute best!

Chapter 8

Sick And Heartbroken

My mind was completely blank as I finally got out of the shower. My movements were mechanical as I pulled on the sweats that Paul left me. I refused to acknowledge what happed just a mere few minutes ago, in fear that I'd hurl at my own disgusting acts. With a heavy sigh, I opened the bathroom door, trying to figure out what the hell I was going to do now.

I jumped in surprise as I walked into a wall of warm flesh, arms curling around me in a tight embrace. My wide eyes shot up to find Paul's beautiful face staring me down with warm eyes. I bit my lip as I glanced away from him, unable to look in his eyes.

Immediately, I felt Paul bury his nose into the crook of my neck, inhaling my scent, and a pang of guilt shot through my system, knowing the Emmett did the exact same thing a few minutes prior.

"You know," Paul, mumbled against my hot skin. "You always look good, no matter what, but I've got to admit. You look so much better now than you did with pieces of tomato and bread stuck to your cheeks and hair."

I let out a small laugh, unable to contain it even in the mood that I was currently in. With one more sniff, Paul straightened, trying to get me to look him in the eye. I was still looking away from him, not wanting him to witness my guilt.

"Jake," Paul said, his voice dampened by worry. I bit my lip, knowing that I was the cause of it. "Are you feeling okay?"

I shook my head slightly, trying to clear my thoughts. "Uh huh." I muttered.

One of Paul's arms unwound from my waist, reaching up to grip my chin in a firm hold. Unable to fight his strength, Paul forced my eyes to his. I tried to close my eyes, but Paul's fingers squeezed my chin, warning me.

"Jacob," Paul mumbled, his dark eyes searching my face, his expression passive as he held me tightly against him. "What's the matter, baby? You seem so off right now." I watched as he chewed on the inside of his cheek, his eyes swirling with so many emotions, it was hard to keep track of them all. "Actually," Paul muttered, almost as if to himself. "You've been off ever since Sam said we were coming over to visit the Cullens."

I let out a shaky breath, my eyes locked onto his, this time unable to look away.

"Jake, what's going on with you?"

I forced my eyes closed, knowing what I had to do. I couldn't keep hurting Paul like this, even if he didn't know he was in pain.

Yet.

He did nothing to deserve this, and I knew that it was now or never. He had to know. Everything. Tears welled up from behind my lids and I bid them to go away. My prayers were unanswered as I felt a few of them leak out of the corners of my eyes. I heard Paul gasp as his fingers released my chin to swipe at my tears, only to be replaced by more.

"Jacob, baby, what's wrong?" Paul's rough voice asked me as he continued to clear my face of my tears. "You're scaring the shit out of me right now. Why are you crying? God, baby, please answer me. You're shaking so hard."

It was then that I realized I was trembling uncontrollably, my entire form shivering. I pulled in a shuddering breath, my lungs suddenly void of air and I was completely unable to draw in enough air to fill them. I really couldn't bring myself to care at the moment. The only thing I cared about was Paul and knowing that I was going to break his heart. My body continued to shudder and shake, vibrating out of control.

"Jake! Jake, look at me. C'mon, Jacob, please look at me. God damn it, Jake! Look at me!"

My eyes snapped open, not wanting to deny Paul anything he requested.

Fear shrouded me, though, when I was unable to locate where Paul was. Deep down, I knew that he was right in front of me, his strong arms still holding me tightly against his body, but I couldn't see his face. My breathing picked up pace as my eyes roamed wildly, unable to lock onto my beautiful protector.

The hallway swirled and twisted all around me in sordid and sickening colors, even though I felt my feet were standing on solid ground, but I still couldn't find Paul anywhere. My chest tightened, making it even more complicated to take in any deep breaths. My body continued to shiver erratically as tears poured out of me, streaking down my cheeks, leaving glistening trails in their wake. My head started to throb and ache, but I didn't care. I needed Paul. My Paul. I couldn't find him, couldn't see him. I couldn't take it anymore. My legs buckled under my weight, my body going limp and plummeting to the carpet beneath me, bring Paul with me as we tumbled to the floor.

"Sam!" I heard his voice so close to me, yet I still couldn't see him. "Sam! I need you! Sam!"

I reached out towards the source of the noise, trying to get some semblance as to where he was. My trembling fingers connected with a soft pair of lips, puffing out hot breaths into my palm. I felt him shifting me to that was sitting in his lap sideways, that much I could tell. As soon as I was settled, I felt Paul grip my wrist in a tight hold, moving my hand from his lips to his warm cheek, pressing my palm into his skin. I was utterly astounded to find the flesh moist, and for a split second I began to panic, wondering what happened to him. It took a minute for me to realize that the wet trails were from tears.

He was crying.

Paul was crying.

Over me.

I have never seen Paul cry. Ever. He was always so strong. So proud.

Paul never cried.

But here he was, cheeks wet, holding me tightly against his frame. I could feel more tears streaking down to meet my fingers, soaking them as well. I bit my lip as another series of shivers wracked my body. I just continued to hurt Paul, even without myself meaning to do so. God, I was such a horrible person.

My shudders stilled slightly when I felt him press his forehead to mine, his hot breath washing over me, soothing me. He released my wrist, only to grip my cheek like I was doing to him, his thumb brushing away the tears.

"I'm right here, Jake. I'm right here. I'm not going to leave you. C'mon, baby, you're going to be fine. Just fine. I'm right here. Just focus on my voice. You got it, baby, c'mon. Sam! Where the fuck are you? I need help! Sam!"

My eyes wheeled around, making out hints of brown and tan and I knew that I was gazing into Paul's deep eyes. I couldn't see him clearly, but I knew in my heart that it was him.

I was suddenly surprised by the flurry of noises all around me, making my head hurt even more. I cringed away from it, curling myself into Paul's chest, happy that he held me tighter against him.

"What the fuck happened here?" I heard Sam shout, his voice the strong timbre of the Alpha.

"Jake?" Embry's worried voice reached me.

"What's happening?"

I shuddered when I heard that voice, a part of me wanting so badly to reach out towards that sweet southern lilt at the same time that disgust washed over me. I shouldn't be craving his touch, especially if I was wrapped in Paul's strong embrace at the same time.

"Is there anything we can do?"

I dug my face into Paul's chest further as another part of me wanted to reach out to that voice as well. Edward should be the last person I wanted near me at the moment.

"Stay back, leech," Paul snarled as his arms tightened possessively around me. A few seconds passed before I felt icy fingers tracing my jugular, searching for my rapidly beating pulse. I cringed away from the unwelcome touch, only wanting Paul's warmth wrapped all around me. I didn't want to know which Cullen brother had ignored Paul's demand, afraid of how I would feel to have them in such a close proximity.

"He's having a severe panic attack," Carlisle said softly and I was surprised to hear him so close to me. I felt his cold fingers grip my chin so gently you would have thought I was made of glass. He pulled my face out of Paul's chest and I whined out loud, not wanting to be denied of Paul's hot skin against my face. "His heartbeat is through the roof and his pupils are dilated. We need to calm him down. Jasper?"

Instantly, I felt a sense of calm wash over me like a wave, a hint of worry tingeing the edges. My shudders reduced drastically, but I could still feel myself trembling slightly. Carlisle released his hold on me and I immediately turned back to Paul, wanting to crawl as deep inside him as possible.

I felt his soft lips brushing my forehead, my nose, my cheeks, then finally to my mouth. I opened my mouth immediately to receive him with a small whine. He kissed me passionately, tenderly, as I felt his tears fall down and hit my face with a wet spatter. I didn't care. I just wanted so badly to heal his sorrow, but not knowing how.

Swiftly, I felt my lids droop in exhaustion and I tried so hard to fight it, not willing to leave Paul. Slowly, Paul released my mouth, kissing a trail over my cheek to my ear, blowing hot air over it. I couldn't help the smell moan I let free.

"You're going to be alright, baby," Paul whispered, his deep voice lulling me deeper into my fatigue. "I'm not going to let you go. Ever. I'm going to be right here waiting for you to wake up."

"Paul," I whimpered, my voice scratchy from misuse and my frayed nerves. "I need to tell you something. I need to tell you—"

Paul cut me off with a quick kiss, nipping the corners of my mouth to shut me up. "Hush, baby. Sleep now. You can talk to me when you wake up."

I bit my lip but gave in as I settled against Paul, his deep breaths lulling me into a deep slumber. I groaned softly as I felt Paul lift me off his lap and stood with me firmly held in his arms. He gave me one more kiss before he started walking away from the Cullens and down the stairs.

"Thank you," I heard Sam speak behind us to what I assumed was Carlisle. "We'll be taking our leave now. Let's go, Embry."

I shut out everything else as I felt Paul walk out into the open air, the smell of pine and running water hitting like a wall. I sighed in contentment and curled into Paul, the rocking motion his steps took finally causing me to fall to sleep, but I was acutely aware of the three pairs of golden eyes watching our every move.

~/\~/\~

I groaned loudly, stretching like a cat on top of the soft surface I was on. I blinked my eyes open, wondering where I was. Familiar walls and the comfortable bed told me I was currently in my room. I glanced out my window to find the pale pinks and oranges and the faded blue of twilight. I sighed and stretched again, loving this type of hour.

A snort caused me to look over my shoulder, the sight of Paul's handsome face with his arm thrown over my middle causing me to smile. I turned over, being extra careful not to shuffle the bed too much. As soon as I was settled, I just stared, unable to take my eyes off of him.

He looked so fucking peaceful, shrouded in the world of slumber. The hard lines on his face—the ones that always made him look tough and unbreakable—smoothed over, leaving the perfect picture of serenity. His dark lashes fluttered slightly over his cheeks as his full lips parted to let in deep breaths. He was absolutely beautiful. I didn't what I did to deserve him.

My brows furrowed suddenly as the entire day replayed itself in my head, starting from Emmett's playtime with me in the shower to the severe panic attack in Paul's arms. I was absolutely terrified that I couldn't see Paul. Only flashes of light and blurs of sickening colors. I sighed in defeat, knowing that I did nothing to deserve a boyfriend like Paul. Fuck, I should be strung up by my toes over boiling acid for my actions. Paul didn't deserve this hurt.

He doesn't deserve me.

I still wanted the Cullen boys. Every single one of them. I still craved their touches. I still wanted their hands all over my body and I hated myself for it.

I shook my head, wanting to clear my thoughts of them. I was in the same bed as Paul, my boyfriend, God damn it! I should not be thinking about others while I was with him.

I scooted myself closer to Paul, until I could feel his hot and minty breath washing over my face. I leaned in to peck him lightly on the eyelid, then the other. Slowly, I trailed my kisses down to the tip of his nose, making sure to keep my touch feather light.

I nipped the corners of his mouth, smiling when he breathed my name. I kept nipping and biting until he opened his mouth completely to me and I attacked. My tongue twisted and dance inside his mouth, tasting and searching everything it could, savoring every little bit. I felt his arm tighten around my waist before Paul eagerly responded back, his tongue easily dominating mine. I gave a sluttish whimper and leaned back, letting Paul take complete control.

After a few minutes of making out, I broke away, my need for oxygen annoying at best. Paul nuzzled his nose against the side of my throat. I felt rather than heard his deep chuckle, sending shivers through my body.

"You know," Paul's muffled voice said, lazy from sleep. "It's very dangerous for a pretty thing like you to wake a man with feisty kisses."

"Why's that?" I teased as I ran my finger up and down his arm, pleased to see his body wrack with shudders for once.

"Because you never know when that man just might take advantage of you."

I shook my head, but kept silent as Paul continued to nuzzle against me lazily. I turned away from him, giving him more room to work with. A loud gasp escaped me when he bit down hard, leaving his mark for all to see. A weak moan escaped me as he laved the area with his tongue, soothing the sting.

With a final kiss, Paul pulled away. His arms wrapped around me as he pulled me firmly against him, the vibration of his heartbeat pulsed through his chest and into my back. Automatically, my own heartbeat stopped and picked up pace with his, causing a perfect harmony.

An hour or two passed in complete silence, the light outside dimming until there was nothing but the light from the stars and the moon showing, casting a grayish-whitish glow.

"How are you feeling?" Paul's soft voice pierced the silence, his thumb running lightly over my arms, raising goosebumps.

I was silent for a moment, choosing my wards wisely.

"I'm feeling better, now that you're here," I answered honestly.

"I was always here with you," Paul responded.

"I know," I said. "I just couldn't see you. I could feel and hear you, but I couldn't see you. I was so scared."

"I was scared, too," Paul admitted. "I didn't know what to do. And you were shaking so fiercely, I thought you were having some type of seizure. It scared me to death. I never want to see that happen to you again. Ever."

I nodded in understanding. "I felt you crying," I muttered softly.

Paul pressed his lips against the nape of my neck, not kissing, but just resting there. "Yes. I was," he said after a minute of silence. "I was crying hard."

"I've never seen you cry before," I marveled, mostly to myself. I gave a small chuckle. "It's nice to know that you're human." I rolled my eyes at myself. "Well, werewolf, but human."

Paul laughed softly as we fell into another silence. Paul shifted me in his arms, pulling me close as if to assure himself that I was still there. I nestled myself against him, offering what comfort I could in my presence alone.

"You want to tell me what caused it?" Paul asked so quietly, I almost missed it.

I froze, knowing that it was going to come up sooner or later. Paul waited patiently as I tried to sum up my thoughts, knowing that no matter how I phrased it, I would still be a horrible person.

I let out a loud shuddering breath and closed my eyes, awaiting the inevitable.

"I was terrified of losing you," I finally whispered, knowing that the truth was going to come out for all to see. It was about time.

"What are you talking about, Jake?" Paul asked, confused. "I've told you so many times that I would never leave you. Why would you think you would lose me?"

"Because I did something—"

I paused, trying to gather my bearings. Paul waited, his arms hot around me.

"Because I did something unforgivable," I whispered.

There were a few minutes of pause and I closed my eyes, wondering desperately what was going through Paul's head.

"What did you do?" his deep voice asked, emotionless.

"I…I…Well, what happened was I…"

I dug my face into the pillow, tears brimming behind my lids, but I refused to let them fall.

"I cheated on you," I whispered.

Complete silence.

I couldn't make out any sounds but the grandfather clock ticking loudly in the living room; almost as if it was telling me my time was up with Paul. I couldn't hear his breathing or even his heartbeat. I cringed, never wanting Edward's gift so badly in my entire life, wanting to know what was swirling through his head right now, not that I deserved it.

"When?" he finally spoke, his voice passive and dark, hiding his emotions well from me.

I couldn't stop the tears that leaked out then, knowing I was hurting him, even though he wasn't showing it.

"Yesterday," I murmured. "When you went to get me clothes after my accident."

I felt him slowly retracting his arms from me, the action causing me physical pain that I was unable to describe, but I forced myself continue, knowing that he deserved that much.

"While I was in the shower." I gulped loudly. "While you were in there telling me how much you loved me."

That did it.

With a jerk, Paul wrenched himself away from me and I immediately felt cold without his warmth pressed against me. I turned around and sat up, my eyes bleary with tears. I watched as Paul got off my bed like the sheets were contaminated with a deadly disease or something. A sob escaped my chest as he started pacing at the foot of my bed, his hand covering his eyes and clawing at his face.

"Are you shitting me, Jacob?" he asked without looking at me. "I mean, are you fucking serious? You were fucking someone while I was in the very same room? While I was pouring my heart out to you—"

He stopped himself with a groan. Tears spilled over as I watched him grab at his stomach like he was going to hurl at any minute. I glanced down at my hands, which were uselessly lying in my lap. I stayed silent as I waited for him to compose himself.

"Who was it?"

I glanced up through my lashes at him, my eyes filled with a thousand apologies please for forgiveness. I shuddered when I noticed that he was looking right at me, a slight snarl on his beautiful face. What caught my attention, though, was his eyes.

His eyes, which were usually so full of love and happiness when he glanced my way, were now filled to the brim with anger and disgust. I whined loudly, knowing that it was all because of me.

"You better fucking answer me, Jacob," Paul snarled in a low and dangerous voice. "Who were you fucking in the shower today?"

My first instincts were to look away from his black orbs, shying away from all the anger, but I forced myself to stare back, knowing there was no way out of this.

"Emmett."

Paul nodded slowly, as if he already knew the answer and glared at the wall. I closed my eyes and lowered my head, submitting to whatever he wanted to do with me, knowing that I wouldn't fight him if he decided to fight me.

"Emmett." He repeated in monotone.

I nodded.

"The same Emmett who attempted to rape you only two days prior?"

"Yes," I whispered.

I heard Paul start pacing again, his breathing fast and rough. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and shrivel away from his scorching glare, filled with hatred.

"Can I even be sure that was even rape?" he asked, almost as if to himself. "How can I be sure what he did was against your will or if you were begging for it before I even got there."

My head shot up, my eyes sparking in ager as I glared at my irate boyfriend. "I was fucking drunk and horny as hell, Paul," I snarled. "I didn't know what I was doing or what was even going on half the time!"

Paul's gaze snapped up to meet mine, brown eyes daring me to defy him. "Yeah? Were you fucking drunk today when you allowed Emmett's dick to ram up your pretty ass? Did you know what you were doing then?"

I glanced away from him as more tears slid out. I took in a few shuddering breaths to help my nerves, but nothing seemed to work. I could feel my wolf whining at the fact that its mate was anger and upset because of me. I didn't respond to him because I knew he was right. Not only did I allow it to happen, but I enjoyed every minute of it. And that was something that was completely unforgivable.

"Are there any other dirty little secrets you'd like to share with the class?" Paul snarled quietly.

I kept my gaze from him, not wanting to witness his disgust and rage again.

"A few weeks before we got together, I was out on patrol. When I was running the treaty boundary, I spotted Edward. I phased and confronted him, wondering what the hell he was doing so close to our land. He told me he was out hunting and I told him to fuck off. He grabbed me and pulled me over the line and pinned me to a tree. He jerked me off and told me that I was his."

Paul remained deathly silent and I could feel his eyes raking over my body like nails tearing into supple flesh. A silent sob ripped away from me but I forced myself to continue, tears streaking down the entire way.

"Three days after that, I was at the mall, in the food court. A sense of arousal hit me like a fucking wall. It was driving me up a fucking wall. I ran to the bathroom and tried to relieve the tension, but if anything, my lust only intensified. Jasper walked in then, flooding me arousal until I was completely out of it. God, Paul, I was so fucking hard. I couldn't help it. Jasper sucked me off against the bathroom wall." I took in a deep breath, knowing that I was digging myself into a deeper hole with each word that passed my lips.

Paul remained silent, soaking in everything I had just admitted.

Finally, I couldn't take the silence anymore, and driven with the urge to rectify this somehow, I spoke.

"Paul, I never ever wanted to hurt you. Ever. I believe in my heart that you're the best thing that has ever happened to. You have made me so fucking happy, Paul. And I am so thankful for that. I can only hope and pray that you can forgive me and go on with our lives. Together."

"Do you have any feelings for the Cullens?"

I glanced at Paul to find him completely emotionless. No anger or disgust, just…nothing. He was standing at the edge of my bed, arms crossed as he stared me down with deep eyes that I loved.

I shook my head. "I don't love them," I answered.

Paul pinched the bridge of his and shook his head, eyes pinched shut. "No, Jake. I didn't ask if you loved those scumbag leech cocksuckers. I asked if you had any feelings for them. Think long and hard, Jacob."

I opened my mouth to deny any feelings but I stopped myself. I felt something when I was near any of the Cullen brothers. I wouldn't go so far as to say it was love, but it was definitely something. I craved their touches, their kisses. Something was there.

I hesitated a second too long.

Paul sighed loudly and I looked to find him nodding slowly, his eyes a million miles away in some thought.

"That's all I needed to know, Jacob," Paul muttered. Without glancing back, he opened my bedroom door and walked out. I stared at nothing as I heard the front door open and shut as well. Tears now flowed in waves as I both felt and heard Paul shift into his wolf running as far away from me as he could. I convulsed violently when I heard the heartbroken howl from deep inside with trees.

I just let go. Sobs shook my body as I curled into a fetal position, my heart breaking into a thousand pieces as I rocked back in forth before finally falling into a fitful slumber.

God! Jacob is such an asshole! Poor Paul:( I feel so bad for him…

Anyways, I hope you guys enjoyed it. Yes! Jacob finally told Paul the truth! Let's just hope Paul can forgive Jake here;) Now, as things go, I believe this fic is drawing to a close very very soon. I think there's going to be three or four more chapters left before Raw is finished, depending on how some things go. You guys may seem surprised on the H-U-G-E I have planned for this story. It just might blow your minds XD Ha ha ha ha ha! Thank you!

Also, I'd just like to say that I'm putting my story Apocalypse on hold for the moment because I want to finish the few fics that I have the obsessive urge to update before I update Apocalypse. I AM NOT ABANDONING IT! I'M JUST PUTTING IT ON THE BACK BURNER FOR NOW SO THAT I COULD FINISH A FEW STORIES! DON'T WORRY!