Disclaimer: We don't own any of the characters in Phoenix Wright, nor do we own any other part of it, and there is definitely no profit being made.
A/Ns:
Lyrical Rawr: So... long delays.
Don't you just hate them? Like, waiting at a traffic light that never turns green, or for a good band's record that doesn't come out until what seems like forever?
Yeah... This one might justbe my fault.
One could say that it's entirely my fault and that I am that red traffic light.
I'm extremely sorry. Really, I am. :3. Does the cute face make me forgiven...?
Thank you for all the reviews and alerts, and especially for the 100 plus favs :D It's really good to know people enjoy our work!
ShivaSan: Well, first of all, I have to agree with my co-writer. She totally lacks discipline and deserves to be called a... red traffic light? Where'd that come from? Oh well, I'll finish that sentence another time. But more importantly, I want to thank everyone who takes the time to read and review, I love you all I mean, 200 reviews? Whoop! (And no, I don't feel foolish.)
KingMobUK
You is an well good beta.
Cheers ;)
Anon Review Replies:
Panda: I'm glad you liked the tension! We like to make people suffer, obviously. It's really great to hear you refer to the chapter as 'godly', so thanks for that and the review! I hope the next chapter lives up to expectations :)
Bittersweet: I'm really glad you like the chapter, and that you liked Eddie! He was so fun to write. And Larry and Kath are the best annoying people to write in the history of annoying people. That line was also a personal favourite of ours, along with the character development ;) Thanks for the nice review, I'm glad you're still enjoying the story :D
No One: Lol! I laughed way too much at that pun than necessary. I'm glad you enjoy the story, and I hope it continues to make you happy! Thanks for the review!
Diane: I know the review was for chapter one, but I've posted the reply here because I'm lazy like that. I'm glad you found the inner monologue funny, it was a tricky piece to write without making it crack. Thanks for the review!
Lawltastic: I'm glad you found the story funny and that the length doesn't put you off. And Eddie was just great to write, I've got to say! As well as Larry being an idiot and Kath being… Kath XD What made you think they'd kiss, eh? ;) Muhaha. I hope you enjoy this chapter, thanks for the kind review :)
Paragon of yaoi goodness: I'm glad that you enjoyed our story and found it funny. The laughs are what we aim for in life! I've heard quite a few side effects of reading Faux, but choking on food is a new one. It's also good to know that you liked the inner monologue and Phoenix's and Miles' interaction, as that is a big part to Faux :) Thanks for the review, hope you like the next chapter!
Of Fake Fairytales and Faux Amour
- Chapter 9 -
Logic Gone Astray
Miles tapped the countertop as he waited for the kettle to boil, glancing back into the living room to check if the commercials were still on. He looked up at the clock on the wall, and then down at his watch.
Damn it. What genius designed commercial breaks to be too long to sit down and watch, but not long enough to make a simple cup of tea?
The switch clicked and Miles hurriedly poured the water into the cup he had prepared, stirring it with a spoon and then taking the tea bag out a bit too early. He made his way back through to the living room and set the cup down on a coaster. It seemed he was just in time, as the announcer had just started to introduce the program.
"Next up, for all the young fans out there, we have a repeat showing of The Steel Samurai: Episode 6! After a nail-biting cliffhanger, can our hero escape unscathed from the Evil Magistrate and thwart the plan to overthrow the town of Neo Olde Tokyo? Stay tuned to find out!"
Miles checked that his blinds were shut and made sure the volume on the TV wasn't too high, before double-checking there wasn't anyone behind him. He finally relaxed back onto the couch as the title screen appeared and the theme started to play.
I'll just watch half an hour before I get all those documents sorted for tomorrow…
He reached blindly for his tea, accidentally knocking something off the table in the process. He looked down and picked up the small box that had fallen.
Painkillers…
He turned the box in his hand.
I'm surprised I didn't need any after last night…
I must be getting used to it.
He frowned.
That can't be a good thing, no matter how you look at it.
Miles shook his head and placed the box back on the table. He picked up his tea, turning his attention back to the screen. He took a sip and pulled a face at how weak it was.
I can't believe I just ruined my tea for a TV show rerun.
He sighed.
And Wright's the one who's childish?
He put his cup down and leaned back on the couch, crossing his arms behind his head. He tried to focus on the TV, but his thoughts kept drifting back to the events of last night.
What was Wright thinking? He promises to stop being invasive, and then…
Miles fought back a shiver and shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
Why did he feel the need to go this far? It really wasn't necessary.
…Although, I have to admit, it was slightly better than being stared at by the whole bar.
Miles smiled to himself.
He was just trying to help, is all…
But still…
Miles got off the couch and picked up his tea. He made his way to the kitchen to dump it into the sink. There was no way he was drinking this filth. He wasn't even thirsty anyway, and all this thinking had managed to wake him up.
He leaned against the counter and stared out of the window at nothing in particular.
Wright might be an idiot, but it sure seemed to me that he was actually helping for once, instead of having fun at my expense.
…Or was I just imagining things?
Miles frowned.
He said he wasn't taking this any more seriously than before, but…
Is it possible that he simply didn't realise?
He sighed.
This makes no sense…
I'm probably just reading too much into it, as usual.
Miles shook his head and went back into the living room to sit on the couch. The commercials were on again. It was an advertisement for some kids' show called 'Eddie the Dinosaur'.
"Oh, for Christ's sake…"
Miles picked up the remote and shut the TV off.
I really didn't need that mental image.
He got up again and started pacing around the room, trying to clear his mind of anything distracting. He looked at his watch. 10:47.
I might as well get started on that paperwork instead of wasting my time.
Miles walked into his office and closed the door behind him. He sat at his desk and looked at the pile of documents. He frowned.
I thought I got more than that done on Friday.
What the hell was I doing?
He sighed and picked up a file. He flipped it open and started reading the first page, only to realise a few paragraphs in that he didn't have a clue what he had just read about. He put the file down and rubbed his forehead.
Not this again…
He leaned his head on his hand and stared down at the page.
What's wrong this time? I don't have any date to worry about, I'm in no rush, and I'm definitely not thinking about Wright.
It's already Sunday and I've barely gotten anything done. I have to snap out of it before Wright decides to bother me again.
Miles shook his head and stretched a bit, before opening the top drawer to take out a blank sheet of paper.
If I can't read, I can at least get started on that report…
He picked up a pen and started writing the case file number at the top of the page.
-Bring bring, bring bring-
Miles sighed exasperatedly.
"You have got to be kidding me."
He dropped the pen and took his cellphone out of his pocket to check the caller ID.
He rolled his eyes. What a surprise…
"Yes, Wright?"
"Wrong, Edgey!"
Miles frowned. "…Larry?"
"That's the one!" Larry answered cheerily.
For God's sake…
Miles rested his head on his free hand. "I'm busy, Larry. Why the hell are you calling me on a Sunday morning?"
"Dude, there's no need to sound so annoyed. Can't an old childhood chum call you once in a while?" Larry tutted on the other end. "I'm also kind of offended that you brought up your boyfriend's name before mine. It's supposed to be bros before hoes, Edgey!"
Miles rubbed his temple. "We're not dating. And you're using Wright's cell, Larry."
"Well, excuse me for leaving my cell at home."
Miles rolled his eyes.
Can't there be a day where I don't have to explain the obvious to this man?
"What do you expect me to do? Ignore the caller ID because I can magically see that his phone is in someone else's hand, miles away from where I am?"
There was a pause on the other end. "Oh… well, I guess that'd be kinda hard, even for someone like you-" Larry suddenly cut himself off. "What? Speakerphone? Can't wait to hear your boyfriend's voice again, huh? Hah, that's what he said. Yeah, well, without the cursing."
Miles pulled the phone away and inspected it, raising an eyebrow, before putting it back to his ear. "Larry, what nonsense are you babbling about?"
"Oh, yeah, sorry! Wait there two secs, Edgey…"
What the…?
There were a few beeps on the other end of the phone before another voice cut through.
"…It's the green button! The big one right underneath the screen!" Phoenix shouted.
"Alright, alright, calm down! I just pressed that!"
"Yeah, only after you pressed every other damned button," Phoenix muttered.
Sounds like Wright's already had an eventful start to the day.
Miles smirked and sat back in his chair. "Good morning, Wright."
"Oh…! Hey, Edgeworth!"
Larry sighed. "Dudes, how many times do I have to tell you? This is really not how a couple should act!"
"What…? We've barely said five words to each other, Larry!"
"It's not the amount of words, Nick, it's the quality of them," Larry replied seriously.
"The… quality?" Phoenix sighed exasperatedly. "I dread to ask, but… what do you mean?"
Rookie mistake, Wright.
"Well, I don't know where to start, Nick. You were both too friendly in your tone of voice, 'good morning' is too posh, and 'hey' just doesn't cut it. Not to mention, you're still using each other's last names! No, it should go more like this…" Larry cleared his throat. "Wonderful morning, Phoenix, my love," he said in a deep, seductive voice. "Oh, hello, Miles, how you turn me on," he finished off in a higher tone.
There was a pause.
"T-turn me on?!" Phoenix spluttered. "Of all the things you could have said… Turn me on?!"
Miles sighed. "Just ignore him, Wright."
"Hey! Don't slag me off when I'm right here!" Larry protested. "Man, this is why I hate it when your friends date each other! I feel so unwanted!"
"I fail to see how that makes a difference in your case," Miles muttered.
"Maybe if you stopped making fun of us and insisting that we're dating, we could treat you normally," Phoenix suggested.
"But, Nick! That takes all the fun out of it!"
Phoenix chuckled. "Yeah, I didn't expect that to work…"
Miles rolled his eyes. "As enjoyable as this little catch up is, I still don't know what you're calling me for. There are plenty of other things I could be doing right now that don't include having the way I speak ridiculed."
The other end of the line went silent.
I feel strangely uncomfortable.
"…Wright?"
"It was all Larry's idea," Phoenix mumbled.
"That's right, blame the third wheel!"
Phoenix snorted. "Well, it's never going to be my idea to organise a lesson in romance."
Miles narrowed his eyes. "Pardon?"
"Nick! You promised to let me handle him!" Larry shouted.
"I could have sworn you mentioned 'romance' and 'lesson' there, Wright," Miles continued sharply, ignoring Larry's outburst.
Phoenix chuckled. "Oh, so he hasn't told you, Edgeworth?"
"Dude, I was about to tell him, before you had to interrupt cause you wanted to hear your beloved-"
"Shut it, Larry."
"See, this is what we need to improve on!" Larry exclaimed, far too brightly for Miles' taste."Iron out the wrinkles in this crumpled relationship, have a few laughs, and pick up some chicks on the way."
"There is no relationship, Larry," Miles replied. "There is nothing to smooth over because the thing you want us to work at doesn't even exist."
"I told you he'd say that," Phoenix muttered.
"Man, you do both know that playing hard to get is so last season, right?" Larry whined. "And you were the one who wanted me to call Edgey, Nick."
"Well, yeah, I wanted to call him…"
Miles sighed. "Isn't there anything you could be doing instead of bothering me, Wright? Or do you seriously have nothing else going on in your life?"
"Wait, it wasn't like I wanted to spend time with you or anything!" Phoenix retorted. "I just wanted to make sure you hadn't died on the way home."
How touching.
"Err, which you haven't… which is good…" Phoenix continued. "…And you sound well, too, so… that's good, too… Not that I was expecting you to be ill, or anything…"
Miles raised an eyebrow.
"It's just… when Larry asked to phone you, I thought it was a good excuse to make sure you were alright after last night. I mean, it's not like you'd ever agree to meet up with us anyway when you're so busy all the time…" Phoenix paused. "Larry, why the hell are you winking at me?! I don't know what else to say!"
"Nick, you're useless!" Larry shouted. "You're supposed to say: 'Oh, Miles, I've missed you so much! I know it's only been one night, but I can't wait to see you again! We have to meet again soon because this distance is tearing me apart!'"
"Stop doing that awful impression," Miles scolded.
Larry laughed. "You just don't want me to upstage your boyfriend's sex voice."
"That's it. I'm hanging up…"
"Wait, Edgey! We haven't arranged a meeting time!" Larry called out desperately.
Miles was about to pull the phone from his ear, before he heard Phoenix sigh resignedly.
"Face it, Larry; he's not going to go. Everything is always going to be second-best to his work."
Miles frowned.
Second-best to my work…?
He sat up to look down at the empty page in front of him.
He has no right to say that after how much strain this situation has put me under.
His eyes narrowed.
How can he think he's so low in my estimation after I've spent so much time with him instead of working?
Not that I exactly had a choice, but still…
"Did I say I wasn't going, Wright?" Miles snapped, tearing his eyes away from the paper.
"Well… err… no…?"
"Then don't put words in my mouth."
"Oh, don't worry, Edgey, he's saving your mouth for a more exciting activ-wait, you didn't say no?"Larry gasped. "Quick, Nick, call the doctor! Edgey's caught your fever, and I think it might be fatal! What have I told you two about doing it in the freezing cold rain?"
Miles rolled his eyes. "Larry, you're an idiot."
"You'll actually go?" Phoenix asked cautiously, ignoring Larry.
…He does have a point. Why did I just agree to that?
He sighed.
Wright has a bad effect on me.
"Alright, Edgey! I wasn't going to bother if you didn't agree, but now we can all meet up at my work at twelve."
"Larry, aren't you supposed to be working then?" Phoenix said sceptically.
"Dude, the chicks love me. They'll totally cover for me, so don't worry!"
Miles frowned. "Wait, hold that thought a second. If I didn't agree, then Wright wouldn't have had to go?"
"Nope!" Larry answered brightly.
"I take it back, then."
"No take backs, Edgey! Now we know you're free, so if you aren't there, then we'll just come to you."
Miles closed his eyes and sat back in his chair.
How the hell do I always manage to get tricked into this?
"I'm not going, Larry. The only reason I agreed in the first place was so Wright wouldn't have to suffer alone."
"Aww, Edgeworth, you were going to go to that torture all for my sake?"
"Don't flatter yourself, I wasn't doing this for you. It was simply repayment on a guilty conscience for you helping me all week."
If you can call annoying me with your presence 'helping', that is.
Phoenix laughed. "That's so cute of you! Kath would be proud."
Miles rolled his eyes. "I'll take that as an invitation for me to hang up for real."
Phoenix chuckled. "Later, Edgeworth."
"See ya at twelve, Edgey!" Larry chimed in.
"I said I wasn't go-"
-Click-
Miles pulled the phone away from his ear and blinked at it a few times.
They hung up.
Sighing, he turned it off and put it down onto the desk. He reached for the pile of documents and placed his thumb on the corner, flicking through the stack.
I can't be wasting time like this. There's no reason for me to go and see Wright, never mind having to deal with Larry at the same time.
He picked up the pen from the desk and went to write, pausing before the tip reached the paper. He rolled it between his fingers, before laying it back down.
Now that I'm traumatised by the thought of Larry turning up on my doorstep, there's really no point in trying to get this done.
He rubbed the bridge of his nose and sighed again, before making up his mind. He opened a couple of drawers, shifting some folders around, and eventually found the phonebook.
They could have at least given me the address of the salon, just in case.
Miles smiled to himself and shook his head.
I really am hopeless…
Miles looked at the building in front of him, double-checking that the address matched what he had written down on the scrap of ran a hand over his hair, before taking the handle and opening the door. The soft jingle of the bell made the young woman sitting at the desk look up from her computer.
"Hello, sir," she said, glancing back at her screen. "I'm guessing you're not Sarah, my twelve o'clock?" She started to laugh slightly, but turned it into a cough when Miles didn't react.
"I'm here to see Larry Butz," Miles stated, failing to spot him in the small room.
I should have known he wouldn't be too busy working.
The woman's eyebrows rose. "Larry? Really?"
"Not for an appointment," Miles reiterated.
I value my life too much for that.
"Well, I would fetch him for you, but he's on his… extended break at the moment." The woman frowned.
"He asked me to meet him here at twelve."
"Oh, that's right, he did tell me to look out for a man with a scowl on his face!" She pointed to the back of the salon. "He's through there in the staff area, second on the right. Feel free to go straight on through."
Is that seriously an accurate enough description for her to recognise me?
Miles nodded and headed to the back. He went past the wall partition into a small corridor and walked over to the second door where some voices could be heard.
"What!? Oh my God, Larry! There's no way in hell I'm doing that!"
"Aww, come on, Nick! It'd be funny to see his face!"
Miles paused, hand poised on the handle. Initiative told him that he should be thankful he didn't hear the beginning of this conversation, and that he should quickly enter the room to stop whatever nonsense was going on. His curiosity, however, said otherwise.
So he stood there, trying to convince himself that what he was doing wasn't eavesdropping and that he was simply looking out for his well-being.
"Hah. I wouldn't even be alive to witness his reaction anyway," Phoenix replied.
Larry tutted. "Dude, how many times!? You're his lov-"
"I'm not his lover!"
"Alright, fine; his other half, his partner, his bed buddy, his pillow warmer… Whatever you call it these days, he wouldn't harm you."
Phoenix sighed. "I don't think you get what I mean, Larry. Besides, not even Edgeworth's real girlfriend could get away with kissing him in public."
"Boyfriend."
"What?"
"You meant his real boyfriend, Nick."
Miles rolled his eyes when Phoenix chuckled in response.
Thank you, Wright. It's always nice to know I have someone loyal on my side.
"Anyways, it'll never happen, Larry," Phoenix stated.
"Dude, why not?" Larry whined.
Phoenix sighed. "Do you even have to ask?"
You should be used to it by now, Wright.
"You're so useless, Nick! You had the perfect opportunity last night and you didn't even take it!" Larry paused. "Man, I knew I should have gotten you some extra strong stuff instead of a beer, then you wou-"
"Larry, that wouldn't have changed anything." Phoenix sighed again. "Fine. Tell you what, I'll go and time travel back right now and fix it for you."
Miles shook his head and got ready to open the door, realising it really wasn't worth his time to stand and listen to such idiocy.
"Give me one good reason why not, Nick," Larry said sternly, making Miles stop once again. "Kathy needs to see it. Otherwise, it's dead suspicious. It's not like I want to see two guys getting it on, but you're supposed to be helping him get rid of Kathy so I can have her!"
That's simply confirmed Larry's true motive.
"One reason? Well, for a start, I'm not gay, Larry. And I value his friendship too much to ruin it with stupid things like that. I haven't waited fifteen years to meet him again, only to make him hate me because I've pushed him too far."
Miles' hand loosened on the door handle.
So it seems even Wright has his limits, after all.
"Besides, have you ever tried getting it on with a guy?" Phoenix continued.
"Eh? No!"
Phoenix laughed. "Exactly."
"Gay men manage it," Larry replied stubbornly. "Seeing as though you are one at the moment, it'll be fine!"
"'At the moment' being the key phrase," Phoenix retorted. "Speaking of which, didn't we say twelve? It's already five past…"
"What?" Larry paused. "Huh, so it is. Perhaps our watches are wrong?"
"Or perhaps he's not going to come, after all."
"Well, he needs your help for that, Nick."
Miles raised an eyebrow.
Why would I need his help to…?
…Oh, for Christ's sake!
When both of them started to laugh, Miles grabbed the handle and pulled the door open. Phoenix and Larry were sitting at the table in the middle of the room.
"Ah, speak of the devil." Phoenix turned to grin at Miles.
Miles rolled his eyes and went to take the seat closest to the door, next to Larry. "I won't ask."
"Where the hell have you been?" Larry cut in, getting up from his seat to lean on the table. "You're late for an appointment with your boyfriend, Edgey!"
Miles raised an eyebrow, before checking his watch. "Normally, I wouldn't think five minutes constitutes as late."
"Shame you're not normal, then," Phoenix commented.
"Shut up, Wright."
Larry pouted, before narrowing his eyes at Miles. "Dude, what do you think you're doing here?"
Miles frowned. "You're the one who forced me to come, Larry."
"I didn't mean here, here," Larry said. He gestured between himself and Miles. "I meant this side of the table!"
"And what exactly is wrong with this side of the table?"
Larry pointed at Phoenix. "Nick's over there."
Miles rolled his eyes. "Larry…"
"Dude, it's part of the lesson!" Larry insisted.
Miles sent Larry an unamused look, before getting up and walking around to sit on the chair next to Phoenix. "Satisfied? Now, let's get this over with."
Larry grinned at him. "That's the spirit, Edgey! It's a much better attitude than yesterday."
"You know, I've been wondering why you wanted to arrange this, Larry," Phoenix commented, resting his head in his hand. "We managed just fine yesterday."
He has a point. I think the fact that we aren't at each other's throats like last time is proof enough.
Larry shook his head. "Don't think 'fine' will cut it this time, Nick. I'll admit that the two of you were better than I thought you'd be, but that's not saying much." He rubbed his chin. "I think Nick would get about a… five and a bit out of ten. But, Edgey, it's like a two for you, and that's me being generous."
"Is that so?" Miles crossed his arms. "And what was it that I did so differently?"
"You broke all the conditions, dude!" Larry replied, waving a finger at him.
He's still going on about those ridiculous things?
"Huh? The conditions?" Phoenix blinked and looked at Miles. "Did I follow those?"
Larry cleared his throat and stood up straight. "Pay attention over there in the back and stop staring lovingly into each other's eyes! The teacher's talking."
Phoenix raised an eyebrow and sent a glance Miles' way, before turning back to Larry. "Teacher? Are you serious?"
"First of all, there was condition two," Larry continued, ignoring Phoenix. "This was of the most importance, and yet Edgey managed to screw it up totally."
Miles and Phoenix both looked at Larry blankly.
"Condition two?" Phoenix asked.
Larry sighed and buried his face in his hands. "Don't tell me you didn't learn the conditions," he said through his fingers. He dropped his hands and shook his head. "That was important homework!"
He's getting far too involved in this role.
"Refresh our memories," Miles said dryly, sitting back in his chair.
"Condition two: Pet names and nicknames." Larry punched a fist into his other hand. "Dude, you didn't use any!"
Miles rolled his eyes. "I used his first name and it provided the desired effect."
"No it didn't, Edgey," Larry retorted. "Nick's first name just isn't good enough!"
"Hey, what's wrong with my name?" Phoenix cut in, sitting up straight.
"It's way too long. How could anybody call you 'Phoenix'?" Larry frowned. "Man, it sounds fucking weird."
Are we seriously discussing this?
Miles uncrossed his arms and sat forward in his seat. "Fine, if 'Phoenix' is too long, then I'll just use his second name, as I always do."
"Ugh, Edgey, you know that's not going to work. You've got to give him a nickname, dude!" Larry's eyes lit up. "I know! I'll give you one to use!"
"Larry, I don't think that's such a good idea…" Phoenix said, biting his lip.
"I've got it!" Larry exclaimed, smiling widely. "'Nicky-Sugar-Dear'!"
Phoenix cringed and rubbed the back of his neck. "That's… original…"
"Don't be ridiculous, Larry," Miles scolded. "It's more than twice as long, and more than ten times as idiotic."
Larry leaned across the table. "Nicknames are never too long, Edgey! The longer, the better!" He stood back up and put his chin in his hand. "My personal favourite was 'My Sexy Princess Daisy, Ruler of all Things Cute and Sweet'!"
Dear Lord…
Phoenix blinked. "Right… um… thanks, Larry."
Larry gave a thumbs up. "No problem!" He smiled smugly. "Now that you know that, you should also know that Edgey completely messed up condition four: Personal or sexual jokes."
Miles rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I'm not a clown, Larry, and I am not about to perform a comedy act for Everett."
Phoenix chuckled. "It's a little too late for that, Edgeworth."
Miles glanced at him and smirked. "You're hardly one to talk with your awful jokes, Wright."
"Hey, watch it. My jokes would be funny for someone with a sense of humour," Phoenix replied with a grin.
Miles raised his eyebrows. "If, by having a sense of humour, you mean being brain dead, then I'd have to agree."
Larry slammed a hand down on the table, making Phoenix and Miles flinch and turn to face him. "Dudes, stop flirting already! I'm trying to tell you some important information, here!"
Flirting?
"Face it, Larry; the day Edgeworth makes a joke is the day the world ends," Phoenix commented.
That's a bit much, surely.
Larry rubbed his chin. "I guess you're right, Nick. It's kinda hard to teach someone a sense of humour."
My ego must have at least halved in the time I've been here…
"You could at least use the examples I gave you on that piece of paper," Larry added. "It's better than nothing, Edgey."
Miles sighed. "Fine."
Phoenix sent him a curious look as if to say 'You still have that thing?'. Miles shook his head in response, making him grin.
He really doesn't need to know that this stupid thing's still sitting on my desk.
"Alright, now it's time to correct your dress sense, Edgey!"
Miles frowned. "Correct my dress sense?" He looked down at his jeans and button-down shirt. "There's nothing wrong with my clothes, Larry." He glanced over at Phoenix, who was wearing a dark purple t-shirt and a grey hooded jacket. "If there's anyone you should be talking to about that, then he's sitting next to me."
"Hey!"
"No, dude! I was talking about what you wore last night."
Miles raised an eyebrow. "What was wrong with it?"
Larry shook his head. "Wearing a shirt and a tie violates the seventh condition: Inefficient clothing; including nakedness."
Miles rubbed his temples. "You've got to be kidding me…"
"Come on, Edgey, it's widely known that a tie takes way too long to take off in the bedroom! No person in their right mind would wear that if they knew they were getting some. It sends off all the wrong vibes, dude!"
I'd be willing to bet that Larry's version of 'widely known' isn't the same as everyone else's.
Phoenix rubbed his neck. "Heh, if all these conditions are true, then I guess I've been doing something right, at least."
Miles rolled his eyes. "I'd like to hear how I've managed to break the others if all the reasons are as idiotic."
Larry scratched the back of his head. "The others? Nah, you were fine with them, dude."
Phoenix frowned. "But that's less than half of them, Larry. I thought you said he broke them all."
Larry waved his hand. "More than enough to work on."
Miles sighed. "I don't believe you sometimes. You brought me here, away from doing something worthwhile, and then took time off work, just to say that?"
Not that it's exactly surprising…
"Hey! It was an important lesson, Edgey," Larry said, nodding to himself afterwards.
"But, wait, how can you even remember what did and didn't happen last night?" Phoenix asked sceptically. "I'm sure you were pretty much out of it."
Larry laughed. "Don't be silly. I'm not going to forget how Kathy completely fell for my affections and was digging me all night, or when she totally ignored Edgey. Plus, all the ladies were playing hard to get, which was a total turn on!"
Phoenix and Miles glanced at each other.
"Err… Larry, that wasn't quite how it was…" Phoenix said weakly.
Larry blinked. "Huh? It wasn't?"
Miles sighed. "I'm not surprised you've made up a whole new version. You drank so much that Wright and I had to walk you to the door of your apartment and unlock it for you."
Larry blinked again. "You did?" He rubbed his chin. "I mean, of course I remember. It was only, like, twelve hours ago. I was just a bit weak from all the dancing, that's all."
Phoenix chuckled. "So you were perfectly sober when you told us both how much you loved us?"
"And the attempt to lean across from the backseat of the car to grab the steering wheel was perfectly normal?" Miles added.
"Well, I do love you guys!" Larry protested. "And you know it's always been my dream to drive Edgey's sports car!"
Phoenix laughed again. "Ah, so when you cried about how you're a complete failure, it was just the way the light was catching your face?"
Miles turned to Phoenix and smirked. "Which means he also knows that he attempted to kiss Everett and it turned out to be a lamppost."
Phoenix smirked back. "And when he asked if we would sell him photos of us 'getting it on' in the rain so he could give them to Kath?"
Larry stared at the two of them with a horrified look on his face. "I… um… well…"
Miles crossed his arms. "Hmm. If that's so, then he must remember getting lucky with one of the men at the club."
"What!?" Larry screamed, jumping back in shock. "Are you fucking serious!?"
Phoenix burst out laughing. "Classic!"
Miles smirked and glanced out the window.
No chariots in the sky; we're safe.
"Don't worry, Larry," Miles said. "I think you're safe from that ever happening."
Larry grabbed his chest and breathed a sigh of relief. "Fucking hell, Edgey, that wasn't funny! I swear I was about to have a heart attack!"
The door to the staff room clicked open and all three of them turned to see a woman leaning in the doorway. She had long, curly hair that had been dyed some kind of purple colour, and was wearing a low-cut top that read 'Cosmopolitan' with a picture of a cityscape.
"Hey, Larry, the boss says to get your ass back in there right now or she'll fire you, and I think she means it." She glanced over at Phoenix and Miles and paused, before breaking into a smile. "Ooh, who are your friends?"
Oh God, no.
Larry took a step forward, before gesturing towards the other two. "This is Edgey, and-"
"It's Miles, actually. Miles Edgeworth. Nice to meet you." He bowed his head slightly.
Christ, how hard can it be to properly introduce someone?
"Err… right…" Larry turned to Phoenix. "And this is Ni-"
"Phoenix. Phoenix Wright." He got up from his seat and sent a smirk Larry's way, before walking towards the woman, holding out a hand. "Nice to meet you, Miss…?"
She walked up to Phoenix and shook his hand. "May. May Jellis." She chuckled. "My, what a peculiar name you have."
Phoenix laughed slightly and broke the handshake. "I guess I'll take that as a compliment?"
"Of course! It's a really nice name." She smiled. "So what does a mysterious man like you do for a living?"
Miles frowned. Mysterious? What the…?
Phoenix rubbed the back of his neck. "Well… I'm a defence attorney."
May's eyes widened. "Wow! And what about your friend?" She tilted her head towards Miles.
Phoenix looked over at him. "Well… um…"
"I'm a prosecutor," Miles said simply.
May turned to Larry. "Damn, you never told me you had such accomplished friends!"
Phoenix beamed at that comment and Miles felt his frown deepen.
Accomplished? Wright barely manages to pay his bills.
"Maysie, calling them accomplished is a bit much," Larry said with a chuckle. "Edgey just looks important cause he frowns a lot, and Nick's even poorer than me!"
Phoenix laughed nervously. "Well, not poor, per se. More like I'm just on a tight budget at the moment."
May smiled at him. "We all have our ups and downs. I'm sure you're a fine lawyer."
Miles' frown went even deeper.
As if you can judge when you've never even seen him in the courtroom.
Phoenix took a glance at Miles. "Ah, well, I guess I have my good days…"
May tilted her head and crossed her arms. "There's no need to be modest. I wouldn't like to see what would happen if you let me loose with a client's life on the line." She shrugged. "I'm hopeless at keeping steady in that kind of situation."
Miles felt his eye twitch. "That's not a very good characteristic for a hairdresser. Or is it that your clients like to have off-straight cuts?"
May seemed slightly taken aback by Miles' interruption. "Oh, well, having a steady hand and a steady mentality are two very different things," she replied.
Miles saw Phoenix look at him curiously out of the corner of his eye. He turned away. "I see."
May smiled and turned to Phoenix again. "You know, when you're in the hair business, it's always nice when you meet someone with such unique hair," she commented. "How do you style it like that?" She tilted her head again. "It doesn't look like you use any gel at all."
"It's natural," Phoenix replied with a sheepish grin.
You're kidding me. She likes that stupid hair of his?
"I have interesting hair, too!" Larry cut in. "You can even feel mine if you want!"
"Natural? I don't believe you," May stated, ignoring Larry. She held out a hand. "Do you mind if I see if you're telling the truth?"
Miles' eyes narrowed as Phoenix's eyebrows rose in surprise.
Of course he minds! Why would he want some stranger touching his hair?
He frowned at that thought.
…Why am I so annoyed? I'm not the one having to deal with this, for once…
I should be relieved.
Phoenix glanced back at Miles again and shrugged. "Sure, go ahead."
May ran a hand softly over Phoenix's hair, before taking it back. "Wow, you're right, it is natural!"
Miles gritted his teeth together.
Relieved. I should be very relieved…
Phoenix chuckled. "I'm betting that isn't your natural hair colour, though."
Larry gasped. "Nick! That's not any way to speak to a beautiful woman!"
May grabbed a bit of her hair and looked down at it. "No, he's right. I'd be worried if my natural hair colour was purple, to be honest."
"It's a bit of a shame when people have to hide their natural colour with something fake, don't you think?" Miles commented dryly, crossing his arms.
May shrugged. "I like to think it gives me something original. And I also happen to like the colour purple." She turned to Phoenix again. "You know, if you need a haircut, I'm sure I could fit you in for an appointment."
Miles' jaw tightened.
Why would he need a haircut? His hair is perfectly fine!
He closed his eyes and sighed.
That's really not something I should be commenting on, is it?
"Would you give me a haircut too? For free, even?" Larry asked brightly. "Cause we are good buddies, aren't we, Maysie?"
May raised an eyebrow. "Larry, you work here. I'm sure you could get any of us to give you a haircut for free."
Phoenix smiled. "That's kind of you to offer. I'll consider it next time I need one."
May looked at him and grinned. "Hey, you know, you have a really nice smile."
Phoenix blinked and glanced at Miles, looking a bit at a loss. His cheeks reddened slightly. "I do?"
Nice? It's an annoying smile, if anything.
May laughed. "God, you're so modest about your good looks! And a total gentleman with it!"
Phoenix rubbed the back of his neck. "You're too kind."
"No, I'm serious!" She put a finger to her lips. "You know, that's such a rare combination, along with being a lawyer." She frowned. "Ah, I see." She sighed. "Which is it? Gay or married?"
Phoenix chuckled. "Neither. Straight and single, I'm afraid."
Miles blinked, his eyes snapping to Phoenix, before it struck him.
…Why do I feel as if I was expecting him to say otherwise? He isn't really dating anyone, and it's not as if he's really gay.
He shook his head.
This is getting stupid…
"Hey, May!" a voice called through from the corridor. "Get your ass back in here! We've got people waiting for appointments!"
May rolled her eyes. "Alright, I'm coming!" she shouted back, before turning to Phoenix and pulling a card out of her pocket. "Here's my contact details if you ever want to meet up or get that appointment." She winked and put it in his hand. "See ya! And you'd better come soon, too, Larry."
May rushed out of the room and shut the door behind her.
"Nick, I can't believe you didn't tell her that you're gay!" Larry exclaimed loudly. "You're stealing one of my chicks, dude!"
"Hey, don't be angry with me, she was the one who was doing the talking," Phoenix replied, before looking down at the card in his hand.
Miles got up from his seat and walked up behind Phoenix to read the card.
May Q. Jellis
Hair Stylist
Land line: 555-7599
Mobile: 555-5844
Sunday-Wednesday Working Hours
"See, you're even plotting when to call her for your next little date!" Larry shouted. "How do you think this makes Edgey feel, huh? You're meant to be dating him, not Maysie!"
Phoenix rolled his eyes and pocketed the card. "I'm sure he'll live."
Larry glared at Phoenix and looked as if he was about to retort, before a voice called through again.
"Butz, what exactly am I paying you for? Don't make me come in there!"
"Yes, Chelsea, my dear!" Larry replied, before turning back to Miles and Phoenix. "Our lesson ends here for today, pupils, so I hope you'll finish off your practice at home." He pointed at Phoenix. "And you, Mr. Romeo Wannabe, I'm keeping an eye on you. I'll see you to the door so you can't sneak off with the innocent princess."
I'd hardly call her innocent. Or compare her to royalty, for that matter.
Larry went over to open the door and Phoenix took his chance to send Miles an amused look. Miles chose to pretend he didn't see it and followed Larry out the door, back into the salon.
They walked through to the front desk, where Larry took a second to say hi to the receptionist and get ignored. He then opened the door and leaned over to Phoenix. "Hey, Nick, you know that card Maysie gave you?" he said in a low voice.
Phoenix grinned. "You want it, don't you?"
"Well, I just think it'd be safer in my hands, you know, for safe keeping…"
Phoenix shook his head and walked out the door, Miles following.
"Aww, man! Don't think that I'm letting this go, Nick!" Larry called after them, making Phoenix chuckle.
After a few paces of walking down the street, Miles glanced at Phoenix. "Where are you going now, Wright?"
Phoenix shrugged and stuck his hands in his pockets. "Bus stop, I guess."
"Ah." Miles paused. "Do you… want a lift home?"
Phoenix turned to him with wide eyes. "A lift?" He blinked. "That'd be great, thanks!" He smiled.
Miles nodded in reply and looked away.
He didn't have to be so surprised…
They walked in silence for a while, before Miles spoke up again.
"Are you actually going to call her?" he asked, careful not to sound like he cared too much.
Phoenix turned to him and blinked. "What?"
"The hairdresser woman."
"Oh… No, she's not really my type."
Miles snorted. "It sure seemed as though she was a moment ago."
"Well, can't a guy enjoy getting attention once in a while? Not everyone's as lucky as you, you know."
Miles scowled. "I wouldn't exactly call that 'lucky'."
Phoenix grinned. "Don't worry, Edgeworth, I would never cheat on you. There's no need to be jealous."
Miles stopped and looked down at the sidewalk. "I am not jealous, Wright."
"So you wouldn't mind if I was going to call her?" Phoenix asked cheekily.
Miles looked up at him again. "Why should I mind? It's not my problem if you want to get involved with a woman like her."
Phoenix raised his eyebrows. "Oh, you didn't like her?"
Miles rolled his eyes and set off again. "Shut up, Wright."
Phoenix dropped his grin and frowned. "Come on, there's no need to get moody about it. I wasn't being serious."
"Don't say such stupid things, then," Miles snapped, leading the way into the parking lot.
"Geez, learn to take a joke, Edgeworth…"
"I'll take a joke when you learn to tell one."
Phoenix fell quiet as they reached the car and got in.
Miles turned on the ignition and fastened his seatbelt, before glancing at Phoenix.
He sighed.
Well, that was smart. This car ride isn't going to be awkward at all.
"So, Edgeworth, what did you learn in today's lesson?" Phoenix asked after a long silence.
You've had all that time to think of something, and this is what you ask me?
Miles rolled his eyes. "That Larry is an idiot."
Phoenix laughed. "I meant something you didn't already know."
"Don't be stupid, Wright."
"Oh, so you know everything?" Phoenix replied cheekily.
"That's not…" Miles sighed. "Shut up, Wright."
There was silence as they halted at the traffic lights. Miles leaned his arm on the door and stared on ahead, ignoring the look Phoenix was sending him.
"What's got you all snappy?"
"I'm not being snappy," Miles replied. "I'm just thinking about how much work I have to do, and how much time I've wasted."
Phoenix chuckled. "It wasn't all bad."
Maybe not for you and your new girlfriend.
Miles glanced at him out of the corner of his eye, before releasing the handbrake as the light turned green. "I don't see what I've gained from the experience."
Phoenix grinned. "Well, now you know that not all women are after your perfect being."
"Some females simply have no taste," Miles commented with a smirk.
"And yet, all gay men do, apparently."
Miles sighed. "Please don't remind me."
Phoenix laughed. "Yeah, sorry. But I guess you're an exception, seeing as you only had eyes for me all night."
Miles shot a glare over at him. "Considering you spent the whole evening in front of me, it was hard for me not to."
"Oh, I bet I'm making it hard for you, Edgeworth," Phoenix replied, stretching a bit and resting his elbow on the door.
"Wright, there's a line, and you've just crossed it."
"You're right, we shouldn't do that in the car. It gives Everett ideas."
You really like annoying me, don't you?
Miles sighed and changed gears as the traffic started to slow down. "If you wanted to annoy someone this badly, why didn't you do so with your girlfriend earlier instead of me?"
"Because making my boyfriend squirm is so much more interesting."
"Wright, I swear to God…"
Phoenix laughed and crossed his arms. "Alright, alright; the line. I've got it. Just trying to get it into your head that I'm really not interested in May."
Calling it by its first name now?
I can hear the wedding bells already.
"Not interested my ass," Miles mumbled to himself, pulling the handbrake roughly as the traffic came to a halt.
"What do you even have against her?" Phoenix asked, a confused expression on his face. "It's not like she's committed a crime by liking me."
…Good question. What do I have against her?
"Well, it was just… She was all over you when we were trying to have a conversation. It was annoying."
Phoenix raised an eyebrow. "Alright, whatever you say, Edgeworth." He sighed and shook his head.
There was a brief silence.
"Hey… Now that Larry's not in the way," Phoenix began again slowly, "what did you mean last night?"
Miles frowned. "What do you mean?"
"You know, the whole 'me taking our fake relationship seriously' thing."
I guess it was too much to hope he'd forget about it…
Miles pretended he was focusing on the road and not on what Phoenix had just said. "I don't know what you're talking about, Wright."
"Oh, come on, don't take me for an idiot," Phoenix chided. "You know very well what I'm talking about."
"There may be a slight recollection of the incident in the back of my mind…" Miles turned to Phoenix to see an unimpressed expression on his face. He sighed. "Alright, I do remember, but I think it's obvious that it really doesn't matter."
"Well, it matters to me."
Why does he have to be so damned stubborn?
"Wright, if you haven't figured it out yourself, then there's no point in me telling you."
Phoenix scowled. "Fine. Be that way. I don't care."
Miles sighed again. "It's just that the whole thing didn't seem quite as funny to you all of a sudden, that's all."
"How many times do I have to tell you?!" Phoenix snapped. "I've never tried to make fun of you!"
Miles snorted. "Sorry, I must have been wrong when I classified force-feeding as having fun at my expense, then."
Phoenix rolled his eyes. "We've been over this already…"
If you don't like the answer, then don't press the question so many bloody times!
"Look, Wright, just drop it. It's not worth discussing. You helped me last night, and you made it more bearable for me by taking it seriously, instead of messing around like on Tuesday night. I just wondered what had changed to make you do that and that's all I meant by it." Miles spotted the turnoff to Phoenix's street and put his flasher on.
Phoenix's eyes widened. "You're… not mad that I did that?" He blinked. "I was… err… I was expecting more of a telling off than a weird thank you, to be honest." He rubbed the back of his neck and looked out of the window.
Miles raised an eyebrow. "Don't get me wrong, there's a difference between what you did and how you did it. Just because you made it more bearable than before doesn't mean that I approve of you pushing me against a pillar and getting so unnecessarily close."
Phoenix chuckled. "I see." He turned back around and smirked at Miles. "You mean you didn't enjoy my seductive breath on your neck?"
Miles rolled his eyes. "I take back my previous praise," he commented dryly.
Phoenix laughed again. "Glad everything's back to normal."
Miles smirked and shook his head.
Our friendship is far from normal, Wright…
He pulled into a space in the parking lot in front of Phoenix's apartment building and put the handbrake on.
There was an awkward silence as Miles stared at the steering wheel, waiting for Phoenix to get out of the car.
Finally, after what seemed like hours of wasting even more valuable work time, Phoenix undid his seatbelt and shuffled a bit in his seat.
"So, um…" He paused. "I guess I'll see you around."
Miles turned to him and sighed. "What is it?"
Phoenix blinked. "…What?"
"I said what is it?"
Phoenix looked down at his hands on his lap. "Nothing. It's just… nothing."
Miles sighed again and turned off the ignition. "Look, Wright. If you have something to say, then just say it. I don't have all day."
Phoenix smiled sheepishly, before looking back up at Miles. "It's just… well… I just realised that we spent more time together this past week than we did these past two months, and, well…" He scratched the back of his neck. "This is gonna sound weird, but… I'm kind of looking forward to our next date."
Oh, for Christ's sake…
Miles rubbed his forehead. "Wright…"
"No, I'm serious!" Phoenix protested. "I mean, I know it wasn't under the best circumstances, but still, I've been enjoying all this time spent with you."
Miles raised an eyebrow.
What is he…?
Phoenix looked away. "Sorry. That probably sounded really stupid."
Miles shook his head. "No… it's fine. I suppose I should take it as a compliment that someone thinks I'm good company."
Phoenix turned to him again and smiled. "Well, I wouldn't exactly go that far, but let's say you're not completely obnoxious."
Miles rolled his eyes, but couldn't suppress a smile of his own. "Get out."
Phoenix chuckled and opened his door. "Alright, so I'll see you." He got out of the car and started walking towards the apartment building, before turning on his heel and running back towards the car.
Miles rolled down his window. "Yes?"
"I almost forgot…" Phoenix took a folded piece of paper out of his pocket and handed it to Miles. "Here. Larry told me to give you this."
Miles stared at the paper in his hand, before looking back up at Phoenix. "What is it?"
Phoenix shrugged. "No idea. I didn't look at it. But he said it was important."
Miles frowned. "If it's that important, why didn't he give it to me himself?"
"Well…" Phoenix laughed. "If it's anything to do with his 'lessons', I suppose he must have been scared of your reaction."
I think I'm the one who should be scared…
Miles shook his head and pocketed the piece of paper. "I'll look at it later."
"Alright." Phoenix nodded and took a few steps away from the car. He grinned. "Have fun."
Miles rolled his eyes. "Goodbye, Wright." He rolled up his window and watched as Phoenix ran back to the apartment building, turning around to wave goodbye before disappearing into it.
Miles looked at the time on the radio. 1:08.
Can I finally get back to work now?
He stared at the front door of the building for a few seconds to make sure Wright wasn't coming back out to bother him again. After deciding he was in the clear, he glanced at the wing mirror and reached for the ignition. He stopped.
I might as well take a look at that stupid thing now so I don't have to worry about it once I get home.
He took the paper out of his pocket and unfolded it. It looked like some kind of list that had been printed out with Larry's scribble at the top.
'Yo Edgey!
After how bad you messed up last night, I was going to lecture you about how useless you are, but then I thought… he's never had a woman before, so how can he possibly know anything about love? So, being the good friend and genius that I am, I went on the Internet and printed out this list for you. It's from this awesome website I use as reference for anything love-related. It's the real thing, dude! Believe me, after you read this list, you'll understand what love is all about and it'll be a million times easier to fake it!'
Miles sighed.
I knew I shouldn't even have bothered…
He shook his head and went back to reading the paper.
Ten Ways to Know You're in Love
You know you're in love when…
1. You don't notice other members of the opposite sex.
2. You can't take your eyes off them.
3. You can't stop thinking about them.
4. You can't help but smile when you're around them.
5. Your heart starts pounding every time you see them.
6. You can't refuse them anything.
7. You notice the little things that make them unique.
8. You feel safe in their presence.
9. You can't bear the thought of them with someone else.
10. You just want to hear their voice.
Miles stared at the paper for a moment, as if doing so would change what it said.
This is…
This was ridiculous. Just another one of Larry's stupid notions. It didn't mean anything. And the fact that everything on there rang a bell was definitely just a coincidence.
Miles slowly brought his hand back down and tightened his grip on the paper, before letting it fall to the floor.
…Who am I kidding?
He paused for a moment, trying to wrap his mind around what all of this meant. Not that he didn't know – it would take a fool to deny it – but part of him still wasn't sure if he could accept it. He wasn't even sure how he felt about the whole thing. This was way too confusing.
Miles blinked, realising he'd been staring off into the distance. He turned on the ignition and removed the handbrake. He reached for the gearstick to put the car in reverse, before stopping to look at himself in the rear-view mirror.
What am I supposed to do now?
He closed his eyes and sighed.
Perfect. Just perfect.
He gripped the steering wheel with both hands, his knuckles turning white, and leaned his forehead against it.
All this time… I'm such an idiot… There's no going back now, is there?
