A/N: Pure crack fic. Warnings: implicit Saku/Sasu/Naru, bad decisions being made, absolute disregard for traditional japanese marriage rituals
Earlier that day
It was not an unusual site to see all three members of Team Seven walking down the street. Konoha Genin teams were notoriously tightly knit, but Team Seven raised team work from a skill into an art. They lived together, ate together, fought together. It would be a subject of gossip to see Sasuke without Sakura, Naruto without Sasuke, or Sakura without her two teammates. But today's gossip was limited to the appearance of the large sake bottle clutched in the beaming Naruto's arms.
"Naruto, you realize you've drank before, right?" Sakura, their resident kunoichi and team captain (and personal badass, in her own opinion), asked as she leaned over to check if their blond team mate was still grinning.
"Yep!" He was.
"And that you have been drunk before." Sakura continued.
"Don't care!" Naruto's grin, if possible, grew even larger. He hugged the bottle of sake close to his chest and rested his cheek against its soft, green curves. "You have no idea how long I have waited for this moment."
"To molest a sake bottle in public?" quipped Sasuke who threw Naruto an amused glance, that to any other person would be mistaken for disgust. Long used to the famous Last of the Uchiha's subtle conversations, Naruto only pulled a childish face.
"No! Teme,"Naruto groused. "To be of age to buy the most delicious drink known to men with no one to tell me no!"
"Now, you're beginning to sound like the Hokage," Sakura sighed and glanced over at their dark haired team mate, "Aren't you the one supposed to take on your master's bad habits?"
"Hn." How dare you suggest that the Tsunade has any bad habits or that I could ever aquire them!
"Can't acquire what you already have, Sasuke!" Sakura grinned at her team mate and easily brushed away the annoyed glance sent her way.
"Shhh…" Naruto whispered to his bottle as he stroked the long neck, "Don't let the two idiots disturb you."
"You can't drink all that," Sasuke said after a look of shared concern between the two sane members of the team, "Even you wouldn't be able to metabolize that amount of alcohol before you succumb to alcohol poisoning."
Naruto's grin went devilish, "Who said anything about me drinking it by myself?"
Later that day
"And then I said, 'I don't give a fuck who you think you are- I am heir to the Haruno clan and you can kiss my ass!'" Sakura's hand slammed on the cluttered table as if to mark the emphasis her slurred words no longer could.
They had been drinking for several hours after arriving home. First, they started with a series of toasts which turned into a series of drinking games which had turned into a disastrous game of 'No, I am not too drunk to play with kunai.' After which, Naruto confiscated all the sharp, pointy, or edged objects in the apartment and locked them in the bathroom. It had taken three trips. Sasuke had almost lost his shirt when Sakura become convinced he was hiding a kunai pouch. (He had been).
"Yeah? What did you do then?" A light dusting of pink now graced Sasuke's cheeks as opposed to the deep flush over Sakura's. He had half collapsed over his cup, head braced on his hand and was watching his team mate with a faint smile.
Sakura collapsed back down on the floor, smiling embarrassedly and scratching her cheek.
"Oh, well, it turned out that the bastard was the favorite son of the daimyo or something. So… that wasn't a great move, politically."
Sasuke nodded seriously and pushed her cup towards her. "Have a drink."
"Too stuffed shirt officials too poncy for their own good!" Sakura grabbed up her cup eagerly and held it aloft.
"Mmmm!" Sasuke managed to grab his cup on the third try. They accomplished something that looked almost like a competenant toast and threw back their drinks only to discover-
"Whaa-" Sakura stared down into the empty depths of her sake cup as though it might hold the mysteries of the universe, "It's empty? Naruto- Naruto- we need. . . What's wrong with Naruto?" She may have been making an attempt to whisper but it wasn't a very good attempt.
Naruto was sitting over his cup, twisting the white porcelain between his fingers slowly as he stared at the table. He hadn't lifted his head, hadn't looked at them when Sakura recounted her story. Instead, under their wavering gaze, he sighed softly and his shoulders seemed to droop even more.
"Ehhh? Naruto!" Sakura clumsily set down her cup, knocking over one of the bottles of beer they had broken out of the fridge in the process, and crawled over to him. "Naruto. What's wrong? Why are you sad?"
An arm flung about his shoulders was rapidly shrugged off. But if sober Sakura was not easily deterred, a drunk Sakura wouldn't be put off by anything. Instead, she crept closer, poked his cheek until he batted away her hand, and then threw her arms around him and didn't let go.
"Naruto- tell us. Tell us, Naruto. Tell us or we will- we will- I'll make Sasuke tell you about the history of the Uchiha!"
"Hn." Sasuke agreed in a pleased tone.
"Get off."
"Naruto."
"It's nothing."
"Naruto."
"Leave me alone. Just go and- and-"
"Sasuke."
"In the beginning, the Uchiha-"
"You guys are going to leave me!" Naruto broke out in an aggravated wail, burying his face in his hands. Both Sakura and Sasuke looked up in concern.
"What?"
"When- when- how will we be able to do this," Naruto waved his hands around their messy living room, collection of empty bottles and ruined packages of snacks, "When we are married?"
"What?" Sakura repeated, then, when Naruto did not seem convinced by that argument, she began brushing his hair out of his face. "Naruto. Naruto. Look at me. Naruto. We aren't even dating anyone. No one is getting married."
"Now," Naruto protested weakly, "But you will. Soon. And then you'll get married. And leave me. And-"
"Naruto. No-no-no-no. No. Naruto," Sakura rested her forehead against his. "Naruto. No. Look-look at my parents. My dad is married, but he is still close to his team. They hang out all the time. All. The. Time."
Naruto sniffed, "But how is that fair to who you marry? You're supposed to be a couple. Do everything together and have fun and be best friends and- and- it just won't work." He sighed tragically and let his head fall to Sakura's shoulder.
Sakura looked over helplessly at where Sasuke had collapsed on the table again.
"Sasuke, your parents. They were happily married and still close to their teams, right?" She indicated with various hand waves and winks that he should agree under pain of certain death upon sobriety. Sasuke nodded seriously as he got the message and held up his two fingers.
"They were team mates." He slurred, twisting his fingers around each other and staring at them seriously. "Then their other team mate died. And they got married."
"See, Naruto," Sakura turned back to her grieving team mate and patted the back of his neck, "See. That- that didn't help at all Sasuke."
"Did," Sasuke corrected as he pushed himself to his feet. Despite having drunk enough to floor any normal man, he still managed to cross over to them with easy grace, flopping down to lay his head on Sakura's knee. "I'll just marry both of you."
"Sasuke, you can't- you can't just do that." Sakura protested as she dropped a hand on his head and began to pet his hair as well.
"Can," Sasuke corrected with smug superiority as he reached up to grab her hand, " 'm last of the Uchiha. Need to build up the clan. Can do whatever I want." Sakura scoffed, but before she could start listing all the things an Uchiha couldn't do, Naruto raised his head and stared at Sasuke with wet eyes.
"You'd do that teme? You'd marry us?"
"Hn." Sasuke agreed, "Last of the Uchiha." He added, unless any of them had forgotten in the last four seconds."
With a shout of joy, Naruto launched himself towards the prone boy and threw his arms around him. He may have been aiming for Sasuke's chest, but ended up burying his face in the Uchiha's stomach. When he looked up his eyes were shining.
"This is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me." He declared to Sasuke's knee in the sincerity only alcohol could bring.
"Hey!" Sakura protested, "I went on a date with you first!"
"That was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for me," Naruto repeated with the exact same enthusiasm. Before Sakura could protest that impossibility of two things both holding the title of nicest, Naruto yanked her down on top of them.
"I want a spring wedding," He told her seriously, "And I want the flowers to be cherry blossoms, because that is your name, Sakura."
"Hn," Sasuke agreed, "And a traditional, Shinto ceremony."
Much Later
Sakura had to force her eyes open the next morning. Her mouth felt gross. Her stomach was rebelling. Her head ached. She was laying on the floor in their garbage strewn living room, wrapped around Naruto who was still snoring gently.
Untangling her leg from his and sliding her hand out from under his shirt, she sat up slowly and immediately regretted it. Naruto was warm and horizontal and close to the floor. Sitting up was none of those things. The shuffling of pages distracted her attention and she glanced around muzzily until she Sasuke standing in the kitchen with a sheaf of pages in his hands and a blush on his cheeks.
"Sasuke?" She questioned.
At his name, his head snapped up and the papers vanished behind his back. Sakura narrowed her eyes. What transpired was a game of hung over catch that would have brought shame to their ancestors or any shinobi passing by. Finally, Sakura won. Channeling enough chakra to pin Sasuke to the floor as she wrested the papers out of his hands.
Guest lists.
Seating arrangements
Food and caterer ideas (ramen had been crossed out and re-written several times)
Crude sketches of dresses and suits
Hastily scribbled vows
"Is this-" Sakura peered closer, "Is this a wedding plan?"
"Wedding?" Naruto's head lifted off the floor, "Congratulations. Who's getting married?"
Sakura squinted at the three stick figures drawn on a page and labeled in what might have been her handwriting. There were lots of fireworks and childish flowers surrounding the hand holding figures.
"Us? I think?"
"We're getting married?" Naruto's eyes widened in amazement, then narrowed in confusion, then widened again in understanding. With a laugh that ended with a groan and holding his head, he continued, "That's right. Teme proposed last night!"
Vague memories floated back through her painful brain which protested this amount of work so early in the morning when her bed (or the floor) was so close by. There had been marriage talk. Naruto had made them rings out of napkin scraps. They had opened a bottle of plum wine to celebrate. Sakura's eyes widened in horror.
"Yes- but- that-" Her mouth fumbled for the words her brain refused to get, "But this can't work." She finally ended up tapping the pages in explanation. Sasuke pushed himself up from under her and took the pages.
"Of course not," He agreed and Sakura felt a great rush of relief. Of course not. They couldn't get married. Teams didn't get married. For Kami's sake- she hadn't even kissed either of them!
Her relief was short lived as Sasuke continued.
"We can't have the Ino at table seven. She clearly belongs at table twelve with her team."
A/N: at some point, I may turn this into an entirely ridiculous story as Team Seven tries to get married and runs into issues. Let me know if you'd like to see that!
