When All Was Lost
Chapter Nine: Closure

A/N: Took a little longer than expected, but here it is :) Chapter 9 is up. Starting to get back into the main pairing, and chapter 10, Threshold, will be devoted to this pairing. Thanks for sticking with this story so far, and enjoy!


Walking away from the shuttlebay, Shepard could feel all eyes on her as she selected deck one on the lift's controls. With her back to the door as it closed, she missed the worried looks and the conversation that followed.

"Yeah, about what EDI said about her being stressed..." Joker looked to the others, seeing them nod. "This was a bad time to throw in a wild card."

"Shepard does show signs of being stressed and..." As EDI's voice came through the shuttlebay's comm, the others looked up. "As Jeff would say, burnt out, but these levels are the equivalent to twice that of her return from Akuze and when facing Sovereign. I did not gauge levels during the suicide mission to the Collector base. You would have to consult Yeoman Chambers for that information."

"Considering how she just blew Brooks' head off, I'd say more than that." Joker crossed his arms. "But if you ask her, she'll say she's fine."

"As always." Liara frowned, glancing toward the now ascending lift. "She always does that. She'll say she's fine even if she has already been thrown over the edge."

"She seems to always put others first." Cortez observed this while looking back toward the lift door as well. "Haven't known her as long as any of you, but that seems to be a common thing." Turning back to the others, he sighed. "If she wasn't over the edge after Thessia, she is now."

"Way over." Joker moved toward the skycar. "Figure I should get this back before C-Sec wonders if I stole it. Any of you guys want a lift somewhere?"

"Nah. I'll be cleaning out this place for a bit. I'll catch up to you guys later. When you land, tell Vega I'll need him here for a while." Cortez went to work moving crates and picking up stray thermal clips from the floor. Hitting the cargo ramp release, he stepped back.

"I think I'll manage. I'm going to check on Shepard before I head off. No doubt my father is wondering where I went by now." Liara said this, headed for the lift.

"I heard you were supposed to meet with her when we first landed. Did you get the chance?" Joker asked this while getting settled in the driver's seat of the car.

"Not really. I saw her talking to someone from Thessia, got the call about Shepard and the mercs, and left before she saw me." Liara indicated deck one on the control and the door closed behind her.

"I will walk among the primitives on the Citadel. I would prefer them not to stare as if I have three heads, however..." Javik made for the ramp, where the rest of the crew was waiting. "This frustration and anger come with war. It is what will make her strong, and it is what will leave people of all races following in her path."

"Yeah, let's just hope that all this frustration and anger won't cause her to do something... irrational." Joker started the skycar's engine. "Oh and as far as the three heads go, I think having four eyes makes up for it... Oh and the fact that you're the embodiment of vengeance for an extinct species, no offense..." Sealing the skycar, Joker backed it out of the shuttlebay, turned, and headed for the nearest transport station. Cortez shook his head, looking back up at the Prothean as he exited.

"That's just how he deals with everything... Humor is his defense mechanism."

"So it would seem..." Javik paused in replacing his particle rifle. "I have my own, and it is much more... painful." His laugh caused Cortez to stare after him for a moment. The joke, or whatever the Prothean had meant by it, was slightly chilling.

"Dark humor... Didn't see that coming." Turning to the Alliance officers who were standing by the consoles at the head of the cargo area, he raised his voice a bit so that it would get their attention. "Can you guys manage to scrape that off my floor?"

"Get to the med bay and grab a gurney." One of them said this while the other nodded, heading for the lift.

Meanwhile, four decks up, Shepard stood in the center of her cabin. The tranquility here was marred only by the datapad on the edge of the bed. She had come here, for some unknown reason that she was still trying to figure out, and had seen that there. Looking over to the aquarium, the simple view of fish and eels swimming about innocently almost disturbed her. Everything was too perfect, almost like how Joker had described the Citadel early on.

"With all hell breaking loose outside, I come in here and this room is untouched... Nothing is wrong... That in itself is wrong."

Glancing over to the chess board that sat on the table, Shepard thought about the irony. The glowing green pieces, the ones controlled by the board itself, were all pristine. The physical ones, black in color, were mostly so; the king was not, however. Aria had found it amusing that the king was cracked, and Shepard found it odd. The king, the one governing his troops was the one who seemed to remain whole, protected, and safe. In this, it was damaged. It wasn't meant to be an eye-opener, but in this case there was no shaking it.

"Aria's fallen king..." Walking across to the desk, she picked up the small black piece and examined it. "Despite all of his efforts and all of his forces, he is still damaged." Walking to the sofa, Shepard sat down, still holding the piece. She didn't hear the door open or the footsteps that halted as she spoke again. "Every single race that is aware of this war is out there fighting, and I'm the one that was volunteered to hold the reins..." Rotating the piece in her hand, she eyed the datapad again. It taunted her; just out of her reach, and yet she wanted nothing to do with it. "What could she have possibly said here that she didn't out there..."

Standing, Shepard retrieved the datapad and stepped backwards, retaking her position on the sofa. Touching its screen, she saw that it held an audio log as well as a transcription of what was said. Frowning, she went to start the log's playback. She was stopped when she heard footsteps. Looking up, she was slightly surprised to see Liara gazing down at her, a knowing look on her face.

"Whatever she says on that will not change what happened, Shepard... It probably won't make you feel any better about it, either." Sitting down, Liara saw her CO shake her head, still rotating the king in her hand. "What are you thinking?"

"That little black raincloud was a lot bigger than I thought." The simple defeated tone took shape. Shepard's entire posture was wrong. Normally straight-backed and proper, Liara saw Shepard as a broken woman. She saw the frustration, anger, fear, and exhaustion all compiling into a deadly cocktail of desperation and defeat. "Hackett says he's making me the tip of the spear..."

"Figuratively, yes." Liara's questioning frown made Shepard continue; her tone growing darker as she did so.

"Who is he kidding? I'm the one holding it. The troops we've gathered, the people we've lost, they're the tip of the spear. They're the ones out there putting their lives on the line, and we're flying around asking more of them to do it." She paused a moment, looking down at that king again. "I'm beginning to understand what you said after Thessia."

"Shepard, you were right. When you said I was leaving to help save my people, I didn't want to believe it," Reaching out, Liara placed her hand over the one Shepard held the king in, making her look at the asari. "But you were right. If we weren't out there rallying the other races against the Reapers, Thessia wouldn't be the only homeworld lost. There wouldn't be a galaxy to save."

"What bothers me the most about that is this; I send these people out to war and when something happens, people don't seem to worry about them. Anderson, Hackett, and everyone on this ship worries about whether I'm alright." Pausing, Shepard looked away from Liara, focusing on the cabin in general as she gathered her thoughts. "It shouldn't matter if I'm alright. The battle is being fought by those people, not me. Sure, I'm seeing Reaper forces, but that's just a fraction of what is really out there-"

"Shepard, you give these people hope." How Liara was keeping a calm and even tone through this, she didn't know. "You are the driving force behind their fight. You are why they are there."

"Why the hell am I their source of hope, Liara?" Standing up, Shepard started pacing, occasionally looking down at the asari as she passed. "I'm not this unstoppable force that people seem to believe I am! I can bleed and die just like everyone else!" Stopping and bowing her head momentarily, Shepard spoke quietly. "The destruction of the first Normandy was proof enough of that."

"But they brought you back-"

"To be the Illusive Man's pawn." Resuming her pacing, Shepard frowned.

"But look at what you've done since then: You took down the collectors and destroyed their base. Now, you've assembled a galactic fleet to bring an end to the cycle of extinction that has plagued the galaxy since the time of the Leviathan." Wrapping her fingers around Shepard's wrist, she stopped the commander, causing her to look down again. "No one else could have done that; not Hackett, Anderson, or even the council. They look to you because you were the one to unify them against the galaxy's greatest threat. You didn't just give them hope, Shepard. You are its physical manifestation. The Leviathan stated that you were the one that gave the Reapers pause..."

"Yeah," Shepard looked down at the king one last time before returning it to its position on the chess board. "And I'm the one they target." Sitting down again, she looked at the datapad still in her hand. "Not anymore." Activating it, she listened to the audio log recorded in her own voice.

"I look at this ship and all I see is what I don't have... I listened to them in the archives; they laughed in the face of death, followed her to the end, and this ship wasn't a prison to them." A brief pause was taken as the clone seemed to take in a long, steadying breath. "I don't understand; what is it about her that makes it impossible for them to walk away? The only reason any of these idiots are following me is because they know I'll kill them if they refuse. I don't have her memories... the essence of who she is..." Another pause, "That can't be the only thing... It just... can't." A hint of doubt registered with both Shepard and Liara as they listened. The latter looked up, frowning in concern. "Maybe Shepard was right... This can't be my only reason for existence... So limited-" The recording ended with the sound of the cabin door opening.

"I don't know, Liara..." Shepard leaned back, head resting against the back of the sofa. "She was starting to see it. Three guesses who that was coming in."

"I don't know if that makes it any better or worse..." Liara nodded slowly, giving Shepard a sidelong glance.

"I think it makes it a little easier to live with. She fought, fueled by her own frustration; she was searching for any reason to exist. It wasn't Brooks' manipulations anymore."

"If you can find any peace in that, I'd encourage it." Liara stood up, looking over the chess board with slight curiosity. "An interesting addition to your cabin, Shepard. Traynor isn't rubbing off on you, is she?"

"Believe it or not, it was a *gift* from Aria T'Loak." Shepard stood, pocketing the datapad. Joining Liara by the table, she looked down at the synthetic pieces as they glowed a gentle pulse of green.

"Really? I assume it was from when you took back Omega."

"It was General Oleg Petrovsky's. Aria had a mind to throw it out the airlock or blow it up, after she got Afterlife straightened out. Somehow it wound up here with her thanks."

"It's funny; I didn't think that word was a part of Aria's vocabulary." The curve to Liara's lips as she said that made Shepard laugh. "Good, that did work."

"Well played," Shepard smiled at Liara's success in cheering her up slightly. "And Nyreen didn't think so either." Turning for the stairs and the aquarium, Shepard nodded, choosing not to elaborate. "Come on. The aerospace engineers will be here to sweep over this place soon enough."

Leaving the cabin and returning to the shuttlebay, they found Vega, Cortez, and Joker standing around; the bulk of the cargo had already been re-organized and stored due to the former two's efforts. Approaching, Joker turned around.

"About time, Commander. These geeks are ready to take over and fix everything. You ready to leave yet?"

"I think I could manage to stick around for a little longer just to keep them on edge." The playful tone, though slightly forced, was what made the three men laugh. "Nah, we've got shore leave to attend to. Maybe Hackett was right; I probably do need this."

"Oh yeah, you do." Joker nodded, turning to leave for the cargo ramp again. "Don't stick around too long. They'll bore you with tech talk."

"Right behind you." Shepard, Liara, Cortez, and James all left, seeing the squad all waiting for them below. Meeting Traynor, and the rest, Shepard nodded. "It's over. Go enjoy what's left of your shore leave. If I have to make that an order, I will."

"Don't have to tell me twice." Garrus nodded to the others and left for the lift, followed by Tali, James, Kaidan, and EDI. Shepard looked back at the Normandy as the engineers boarded.

"So it is over, huh?" Wrex stood there with arms crossed. "Good. One of you is dangerous enough." The remaining six started walking down toward the lift, knowing they would be waiting for it to return from the five ahead of them.

"Yeah. One is definitely enough." Joker laughed as he said this. "Just think of how many impossible missions we'd be thrown into if there were two of you."

"Yeah, you'd all quit." Shepard allowed herself a laugh as well. It was true; she had put these people through the wringer a few times, but it had all been worth it. "You'd all quit and I'd be screwed."

"So, how will you be spending your shore leave, Shepard?" Cortez had reached the lift first, leaning against the doorframe as a car was called. "Never known you to really just unwind."

"No idea. Not used to it. The last time I actually relaxed was..." Shepard paused, actually trying to pinpoint a date. "Yeah, can't remember."

"No doubt, word of all this has reached the council." Liara nodded as the door opened, a lift car having arrived.

"Yeah. I'll definitely have to straighten that out. Shouldn't take more than a few reports filed to clear that up." Shepard watched Javik, Cortez, and Liara enter the lift. "You all go ahead. I'm headed to the apartment for a few minutes; checking messages and all that."

"Please attempt to relax, Shepard." Liara gave Shepard a pointed look. "And whatever you do, don't go to any expensive sushi bars."

"Oh come on..." Shepard's response was drowned out by laughter on both sides. The door closed, and the lift took off. "I will get her back for that."

Joker called a skycab, waiting by the rapid transit terminal. "Damn, she got you good, Shepard." He was still shaking with laughter when his CO and Wrex joined him. "Still can't believe you used me as bait, though."

"Part of the job, Joker." Watching the C-Sec officer eyeing them, she continued. "Figured you'd be with EDI. Where are you two going?"

"Making sure you get back to the apartment in one piece." Wrex answered this, looking up as a grey skycab came down. Shepard gave them both a wary look.

"I mean think about it; who all really knows about that whole clone business?" Joker paid the human driver, ducking into the back seat.

"Yeah. Who knows, someone might think you're the clone." Wrex followed Joker, leaving Shepard to shake her head. Dropping down into the front passenger's seat, she waited for the man to close the cab.

"Silversun Strip." Turning back to Wrex and Joker, she frowned. "So you two volunteer to be what, bodyguards who could get shot at any time? Gee, thanks."

"Well, when you put it that way..." Wrex laughed as Joker frowned. "Nah. You've earned a few favors with the Krogan. I'd be an idiot not to put my life on the line... again."

"Whoa. I already got shot at for no apparent reason. I'd rather not deal with that again, if you don't mind, Boss." Sarcasm played at the flight lieutenant's tone as he leaned forward. "I feel safer on a second generation frigate that flies in and out of hostile warzones... No, that's not normal."

"Heard that." Shepard glanced down; her omni tool was flashing. Activating it, she saw an incoming communication. "Wow... I just started enjoying my shore leave and this happens." Moving to receive the incoming comm signal, she saw Liara's face on the small display. "Liara?"

"The council knows. Glyph just monitored some chatter that mentioned the archives. You might want to file those reports now."

"Yeah, wouldn't want to keep them in the dark now, would we?" Hearing Joker laugh, Shepard nodded. "On my way to the apartment. I'll get it done. Tell Glyph thanks for the heads up."

"A pleasure to be of service, Commander." The drone's voice came through Just as Liara went to turn around.

"Maybe I'll see you later, Shepard." The slight hopeful tone in Liara's voice didn't go unnoticed.

"I'm sure you will." With the call ended, Shepard turned to the driver. He had been keeping one ear open, listening as he drove. "If you don't mind, step on it. Council's under enough stress as it is..."

"Yes Ma'am. I thought you'd never ask. Love driving above the limit." The younger man increased his speed significantly. "Having a Spectre with urgent council business just gives me an excuse."

"I didn't hear that." Shepard leaned back, seeing the car going further into the wards. When the neon lights of the strip hued the cab in various blues, greens, and reds, Shepard prepared herself for the reports at hand. It would not be easy explaining that Cerberus had created a clone and had left it unattended; let alone that said clone got out and sought revenge.

When the cab slowed and finally stopped, Shepard, Wrex, and Joker exited. Heading for the apartment through the lobby, Shepard heard that she had new messages; one was marked as a priority. Nodding as she opened the door, she entered, removing her weapons pack and dropping it haphazardly into the footlocker.

"So, after a hard day fighting an evil clone, you know what comes next?" Joker watched as Shepard removed her armor, placing it back into the footlocker as she went. When the last pieces were gone, she straightened up, crossing her arms.

"A nap?"

"Please..." Joker waved his hand dismissively. "We party down." At this, Shepard gave him a sideways look which made him grin.

"Well, I've gotta get going. Got some stuff to iron out before heading back to Tuchanka. All those fires to put out when you're in charge, right?" Wrex nodded to Joker as he clasped Shepard's arm firmly in his hand, she doing the same with him. "Let me know if you wanna hang out or if you're havin' that party."

"Will do." Shepard nodded as the battlemaster turned for the door. "That is, if Joker can convince me to do it."

"Don't worry, you'll warm up to the idea." Joker turned toward Wrex' retreating back. "See ya!"

"Party, huh?" Shepard crossed her arms again, giving Joker a mock serious look. "You see me as the partying type?"

"Nope, but the rest of the crew would like to see a more cheerful and less seriously stressed out you."

"Fine, let's do it." Shepard couldn't resist a laugh at Joker's face. The man looked like Christmas had come early. The sudden appearance of Glyph caused Shepard to shift her attention to the spinning drone.

"I have channeled discretionary funds into your personal account for this occasion, Commander."

"Okay, EDI, Cortez, and Traynor are in." Joker looked down at his omni tool, scrolling through an apparent list.

"I'm guessing you all had this idea before any of this happened." Returning to a mock serious tone, Shepard added. "And you really thought I was going to let you get away with it."

"Ha, yeah, we did. Oh, and there really isn't an "uninvite" button on this thing so..." Joker looked down again. "Cortez just invited James, so... No way to back out now." Shepard waved her hand as she prepared to turn around and leave for the private terminal in the back. She didn't miss Joker's next comment. "I'm going to see just how much trouble I can get into without snapping a femur."

"Or causing your CO to break your arm." Shepard called back toward Joker's retreating back. This got the desired response. He laughed rather loudly as he left. Entering the office area, Shepard saw the indicator flashing on the terminal, and as she checked it, there were messages from her crew. Scrolling down, she saw the one tagged as a priority. It was from Steven Hackett.

Upon opening the message, Shepard read the first line and frowned. It mentioned Cerberus and Benning. She had gone there to stop Cerberus forces from abducting or eliminating people from one of the port cities, and she had recovered the human ambassador's son's dog tags. The next few lines made her sit down in the chair, re-reading the entire message just to be sure she had read it right.

Commander,

There have been no new reports of Cerberus' presence on Benning since last contact. I thought I should inform you of what Alliance Intel found there upon their arrival.

A Cerberus shuttle was found crashed on the outskirts of the city they were targeting. From what we can tell, your pilot, Lieutenant Steven Cortez, shot it down as it was leaving the port. There were ten Cerberus operatives inside, all reduced to husk hybrids. Most of them we have catalogued as ex-Alliance servicemen and women. There were two that were identified as Randal and Erin Lewis.

Upon recovering the remains, Alliance scientists have confirmed that the Illusive Man is using Reaper tech not to enhance their soldiers, but to control them. Your diversion to Sanctuary paid off as far as that was concerned. I contacted you because their DNA was cataloged with everyone else's, except theirs came back a match to someone still in the Alliance Navy. Commander, that someone is you. These people, by all reports, are your biological parents, and they've been involved with Cerberus for decades.

I'll let you know of any developments as they occur.

Sitting there, she felt as if her limbs were made of lead. Any effort to move was quashed by the sheer impact of this news. It was hard to get her head wrapped around it, though. Growing up on Earth, she had moved on and joined the Alliance. Once that had happened, she had thrown her "parents" out of her mind, focusing on her future. Reading this pulled her back to those nights on Earth, combing the streets for any kind of shelter, wishing she had any sort of family to call her own. It didn't matter now, it couldn't.

Attempting to shake it off, Shepard forced herself to move, leaning forward in the chair again. There were several other messages to read, most of them were requests to spend a few moments with her, but none really caught her attention. Seeing a new one appear, she eyed the sender. It surprised her to find that it was from Shiala. Opening the message and clearing the one from Hackett from her screen, Shepard skimmed over its contents. Shiala was aboard the station, having escaped Feros when the reapers had hit. She and most of the colonists from the Zhu's Hope outpost were either going to war or seeking shelter as refugees. Shiala herself was preparing to depart for the war aboard the Destiny Ascension with Lieutenant Kurin and her squad, or what was left of it. The final lines were a request to talk before setting off, and that she would be in the embassies for a bit longer. Closing down the terminal, Shepard shook off Hackett's message, returning upstairs to change into her dress uniform while walking about on the station.

Shrugging off what she had been wearing, Shepard chose to freshen up before leaving for the embassies. Not having the most time to do that aboard the Normandy, she considered doing it more often while she was here. Once that was done, she donned the uniform that had remained folded up since the casino infiltration. Looking at the pistol she had never really replaced in the footlocker downstairs, she pocketed it. If this shore leave had taught her anything it was that danger could always be found for those who weren't looking for it. Returning downstairs, she headed for the door, nodding to the drone off-handedly as she went.

Taking a skycab back to the docking bay, Shepard's thoughts went back to Hackett's message. Looking down at her omni tool, she thought about replying to it, stating that she didn't want to be bothered with knowing any more than she did already. Curiosity got the better of her though, so she left it where it stood. If there was to be any more information to be had, she would choose to read or ignore it when it came. No sense in telling him where to shove the news when he found it. That would serve no good purpose. Upon seeing the Serpent Nebula as they landed at the docking bay, Shepard shook the Cerberus operatives from her mind. This wasn't the time for dwelling on people who had failed her from the beginning. Nodding to the driver as he left, she went to the lift and selected the embassies.

Upon a quick climb, the doors opened, revealing the same crowds of people as before, but this time there were more of them. Volus, Asari, Turians, Salarians, and humans all gathered around in clusters talking in low voices. Scanning the area, Shepard turned to the right, toward the stairs leading to Udina's office and Spectre Requisitions, and she spotted the commando standing where Samara had been after the mission to Lesuss. Approaching, she saw Shiala stiffen; the hands that were clasped behind her back clenched, gripping one another tightly. Stepping forward, Shepard watched as the green hued asari relaxed again.

"It's been a long time, Shiala." The words, though low in volume, were enough to get the asari to turn her head slightly. Shepard saw the slight upturn of her lips as she spoke.

"It has been a year or more..." Turning as Shepard stepped up, even with her, Shiala continued. "Goddess, it feels like centuries since Illium."

"Believe me, I know." Feeling the commando's arms around her suddenly, Shepard did the same, her hands resting just at the small of Shiala's back. "I'm sorry about Thessia."

"I heard you were there." Both pulling back, Shiala motioned for Shepard to follow her as they stepped closer to the window. "Honestly, I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner. I know that sounds terrible to say about my own homeworld, but it's the truth." Leaning against the wall, she gave the human a slightly concerned look. "Don't tell me you blame yourself."

"Somewhat." Shepard crossed her arms, leaning against the wall as well. "I could have gotten there sooner, but that's not the only issue."

"I've heard." Turning her head to look out the window, Shiala focused on the skycars and shuttles moving past. "The rumors are unbelievable. I've heard the balance has been upset between some of the matriarchs and high command. That should shake things up a bit."

"Yeah it should..." Glancing toward the stairs, Shepard thought about the councilor; her impending meeting with Irissa and Lidanya would prove to be interesting, to say the least. "Not sure if it is the best course of action before the final strike against Cerberus and the end run to Earth, though."

"Apparently, if this were a time of peace, it wouldn't have happened."

"True." Thinking of the last message she had gotten from Shiala, Shepard's thoughts returned to Feros. "How bad was it when you left Feros?"

"Not as bad as I expected." Shiala's eyes narrowed slightly, but then they eased off again. "The Reapers weren't all that interested in Prothean ruins or a few scattered colonies. They attacked Zhu's Hope namely because it was the most populated." Turning back, she looked over at Shepard. "They owe you their lives again, by the way."

"What did I do this time?" The amused tone made Shiala smile. "I haven't heard anything from them or seen them since leaving the colony."

"I didn't expect you to recognize them." Shiala activated her omni tool, pulling up an image of a man. "Do you recognize him?"

"Yeah..." Shepard thought back. There was a man that had been in bay E24 that looked a lot like that. He had been requesting that his family be allowed to board. "Saw him earlier on, before the coup attempt."

"Yes, that was Teron. He was one of the colonists. He had no family. He had commandeered a small ship that had been abandoned by ExoGeni while they had been there. Using spare parts from the colony, he got it flying. He and the rest of the colonists that weren't trained in any sort of combat came here." Deactivating her omni tool, Shiala smirked. "They were the "family" that you let in."

"Good move." Admiring the fact that they were still alive after all that the colonists had been through, Shepard wished them well. "How did you finally get off world?"

"A Turian frigate was passing by and we managed to send out a signal before the Reapers shut out all communications. When they landed, I was prepared to stay, but a reaper destroying the entire outpost with a few precise shots changed my mind."

"Yeah, I'd say that'd do it." Reflecting on Earth, Shepard could easily relate. "I saw my share of explosions on Earth."

"I heard; Shepard, I'm sorry..." Lowering her head slightly, Shiala continued. "To know Earth was second after the batarians... I knew humans were a target back when you were on Illium, but when I heard about Earth..."

"Yeah." Shepard thought about it. Earth was a strange subject with her. Yes, she wanted to go back to destroy the Reapers, but there was some small part of her that wanted the place to burn. "I've thought about Earth a lot; every time I do, I keep saying I'll go back. I was just thinking about the reasons I wouldn't go back, and they seem so meaningless."

"If they still plague your mind, I'd say they're not meaningless." Shiala's dark eyes landed on her again, and Shepard tried to translate the message in them. "I remember when I melded with you on Feros..." Pausing to recall the memory, Shiala nodded before speaking. "I sensed a great deal of pain. There was more to it than just the strain of pursuing Saren. I sensed something deeply rooted; a longing for something or someone that was never there. It was very present in the memory of the death of Benezia."

"I never really thought about that..." Benezia's death had been hard, especially with Liara there to see her mother fall apart. "Liara watched her mother die, falling apart under Sovereign's control... I never wanted her to see that." Deflecting the observation, Shepard had to applaud Shiala on her memory. The thought had crossed her mind, watching Liara and her mother, that the relationship, though strained, was something she never had. It had only been momentary, but it had been there.

"Death is painful for all who see it." Shiala nodded as she looked back out the window again. "Seeing people die on Feros was hard. Being near them when they were gunned down was worse. Can you imagine, Shepard, feeling their fear just before they die? Feeling the projectiles tearing them apart?"

"You still feel that..." Shepard watched as the commando shivered slightly. "Did those tests ever help?"

"They did for the colonists." Releasing a shaky breath, Shiala continued. "Unfortunately, that was as far as it went. Every test they performed yielded no result as far as I was concerned. I assumed as much though." Turning back to face the human, there was a secondary expression of pain that vanished just as suddenly as it came. "Melding with the Thorian... Well, I'll say it was no great shock that nothing worked."

"You still feel everything, like back on Illium..."

"Everything... yes, but not nearly as severe. That was one thing the tests could do." Glancing toward the console that the Elcor and a few turians were monitoring, Shiala' eyes focused on the time before she continued. "It is tolerable now..."

"And your biotics? I remember you saying they were unstable before." Glancing at the time as well, Shepard marveled at just how quickly it had passed since she had come to the station.

"They're straightened out... for the moment." Taking a calming breath, Shiala let them flare secondarily. "I keep testing them to make sure that I can still control them. It's strange... When I was released from Thorian control, I felt as if I was fine. Over those two years, everything changed."

"I know you said your skin pigment changed back to green in the first few months."

"Yes. It frightened the colonists a bit, but I could handle that. Only a few of them had actually seen my form while under Thorian control. After about six months, I started having the vivid dreams. None of it made sense." Pausing as a thought crossed her mind, Shiala's eyes widened for a moment. "Almost like the Prothean beacons with you, I suppose. It was all a blur of information that seemed more like a nightmare." At Shepard's understanding nod, she continued. "Nearly a year after the death of the Thorian, I couldn't shut out the sensations. The colonists had been feeling them for a while; I'd say around three to four months at the least. I suppose I had been blocking them, but it was overwhelming." Receiving a notification on her omni tool, Shiala grimaced. "Duty calls. Walk with me?"

"Sure." Shepard followed as the commando went for the lift. "What's your post this time? I saw where you're working with Kurin and her squad."

"Yes. We're being deployed to Earth when the Ascension joins the other fleets." Entering it, she selected one of the docks. "Any ideas on what to expect?"

"A lot of husks, Reapers, and desperate soldiers..." Shepard thought about the less than adequate news Anderson and Hackett had given on the situation in the Sol system. "Intel says something is happening near London, though."

"That's where we are headed."

"Good that your biotics are back in line then." Shepard pulled up a feed on Earth's status, seeing little to no details. "Limited intel though."

"It was a challenge to do that. The tests they ran gave some promising results, and the treatment plan involved limited use of my biotics, but they didn't understand the instability until it almost cost them one of their scientists." Shiala frowned at the memory. "Then, I went off on my own for a while, further away from the colony, and worked to regain control. It took some time, but in the end, it worked. After two years of watching my abilities deteriorate..." The lift car had started slowing down by this time, and when the doors finally opened, they revealed a less busy dock that housed the Ascension. Shepard marveled at the flagship; this was the first time she had seen it up close.

"Damn... What a ship..."

"Isn't it? I always thought I would be doing recon missions when I started commando training, and then I followed Matriarch Benezia, and well... You know the rest. I never thought I would board that ship..." Shiala had walked just past the security checkpoint, taking in the Asari dreadnaught. "I went to a very dark place, Shepard." Bowing her head with a look that Shepard could only describe as reflective bereavement, Shiala felt the human's hand on her shoulder. "I thought I would watch myself crumble into nothing."

"But you didn't." Tightening her hold on Shiala's shoulder, Shepard recognized the look in the commando's eyes. She had seen it before almost a year ago. There had been determination and a desire to go on back when they had last encountered each other.

"Illium changed that. You gave me a reason to move past it, to get stronger." When Shiala turned to face Shepard fully again, her eyes blackened, forcing Shepard into a mental firestorm of sensations. Everything was clear; the burning Illium sky, its buildings tall looming shadows, and every touch was relived instantly. Shiala's voice was hard to hear at first, but upon concentration, Shepard heard it all. "Though I had a purpose, to get back to the colonists, I was given a reason to fulfill it. I knew it wouldn't last, heartache eating away at your resolve, " The meld was released as Shiala stepped back. "But I will never forget that night."

"I won't either." Still reeling in the memory of that night, Shepard followed as Shiala headed for the dock and the Ascension beyond it. "You see the difference in purpose and reason, good. I thought I was the only one."

"No. I learned that purpose, while noble, is not always the driving force. That is determined by a person's reason for moving forward." They reached the Ascension's boarding ramp, Shiala leaning against the railing looking out at the nebula above. "I have never asked this; What is your reason, Shepard? I know your purpose is to stop and destroy the reapers."

"I've been thinking about that a lot lately. I used to say that it was to avenge those we lost: Benezia, Ashley, Thane... Hell, even Saren, but I think it is also for those we stand to lose: loved ones, friends, and family."

"And I was beginning to think only Benezia truly saw Saren as more than just a power-hungry Spectre..." Shiala nodded in memory of the turian that was misled into following Sovereign. "I am sure that is true for the fleet as a whole, but what about you personally? What is your reason for doing this?"

"I keep telling myself it is for those reasons, but the truth is..." Shepard paused, seeing some commandos boarding the dreadnaught. "I don't know anymore. I was brought back for this, so whatever the reason may be, I'm going to do it. I will destroy the Reapers; if not for me, then for everyone else out there."

"Find your reason, Shepard." Shiala straightened up, seeing Kurin and her squad approaching. "They will give you the strength to finish this." Nodding as the rest boarded, she noted that Kurin stayed behind for a moment. "Be well, Shepard. I feel conflicted about saying this, but perhaps we'll see each other on Earth." With that, she turned. "Lieutenant."

"Are you ready for this?" Kurin sounded stronger as she spoke. Shepard noted that all physical injuries were either nearly healed or had already done so. "I've heard good things about you; surviving on Feros must have been difficult."

"Not as difficult as seeing Thessia's skies ablaze." Shiala's response was met with a nod. "We will avenge them."

"I couldn't agree more. I'll see you aboard in a few moments for a briefing. I'm sure you've heard we will be dropping near London."

"So I've heard." Nodding to the lieutenant, Shiala gave Shepard a meaningful look to solidify what she had said before. "Goddess be with you, Shepard."

"And with you, Shiala." The commando walked away, leaving the lieutenant to address the Spectre.

"The Prothean was right. The time for action is now. Grief will have to come later..."

"He was wrong there. Grief is what fuels your fight, Lieutenant. Fight for those you have lost, that you couldn't save, and your homeworld that burns. Make them pay for the souls they stole." Shepard locked eyes with the asari, seeing the measure of herself in Kurin's gaze. This woman had lost her homeworld, nearly lost her squad, and was fighting relentlessly. "Don't let them ever forget where this war was supposed to be won."

"Understood, Commander." The lieutenant noticed someone leaving the ship and turned on her heel. "Until we meet again."

Watching Kurin board the Ascension, Shepard assumed Shiala's place, leaning against the dock's railing, and looked out over the dreadnaught at the nebula above. The irony was that she could give them all a reason to lay down their lives and fight to the death, but she could not find one of her own.

"Commander Shepard."

Turning, Shepard met the commanding officer of the Ascension, Matriarch Lidanya, as she moved to stand to the human's right. Eyes half closed, Shepard could see that the commander had seen some battles in her time. Weariness, exhaustion, and what seemed like that same steely expression that Shepard wore on occasion were very telling.

"Matriarch Lidanya." Shepard took the offered hand. "It's an honor, although I wish we were meeting under better circumstances."

"As do I." Looking at the Ascension, the elder asari bowed her head. "I look out at that ship, my ship, and I see it in two opposite ways: In one sense, it is the most powerful and largest ship in the Citadel fleet, one that stands unmatched. Sadly, I also see it as I did three years ago; nearly destroyed by an armada of Geth ships really put things into perspective. It can be vulnerability."

"Even the Reapers have their vulnerabilities; it just takes finding them."

"You would know a little about that. I saw the vids of the ones on Rannoch and Tuchanka; impressive." The matriarch turned, red markings looking more like bloodstains in the light. "What I really want to know is how you do that."

"Do what, take down a Reaper?"

"No. I know that is just sheer luck; no offense. I mean what you were just doing, inspiring these people to keep fighting, to find a reason." Fingers interlaced as she looked to Shepard, Lidanya nodded to where the lieutenant and Shiala had been. "These people want to give up, and my supply of morale is running low. The loss of Thessia was a crippling blow to the Asari, as I'm sure Earth was to humans."

"I don't know." Having just thought about this, Shepard still didn't have an answer. "I know they want to avenge those they lost and the battles that should have been prevented. This all could have ended on Thessia. I should have gotten that VI and left."

"One of the reasons I'm here actually." Straightening up, Lidanya nodded toward the lift and the two started walking away from the dock. "I know the councilor is taking on high command. She'll need all the allies she can get." Nodding to the turian standing at the checkpoint, Lidanya continued. "She requested that Irissa and I meet with her. She's here somewhere."

"I remember her saying that you two wouldn't stand for that kind of secrecy." Shepard called the lift while Lidanya checked her omni tool.

"No. It is a damned disgrace to our people." Entering the car when it halted at the dock, the matriarch deactivated her omni tool, selecting the embassies as the door closed. "Irissa just arrived at the embassies, good. No, they knew full well that keeping a prothean beacon was in violation of council law, and I agree with Irissa fully on this; it explains just why the Asari are so advanced." Reaching up, she rubbed her forehead in an attempt to ease off the stress. "I might have expected this from the Salarians, but my own people..."

"I can understand that. I didn't see this coming from the Asari." Shepard felt the lift slowing down, knowing that it wasn't too far from that dock to their destination, or not with the lift hurtling through the shaft as she now knew it did.

"That's just it... No one saw this coming. I honestly wonder how the rest of the council took it."

"Not well." Shepard thought back to what she had heard of the meeting between Sporatus, Tevos, and Valern. "The other two were... concerned to say the least. Sporatus was enraged and borderline hysterical. Valern was more or less trying to keep his temper in check, but he had his share of skepticism."

"I won't ask how you know this." Lidanya paused as the lift doors opened, revealing the busy embassies. "How did she handle them?"

"Surprisingly well. She stayed calm under that pressure. Got a little stern but never lost her temper. She told them she knew nothing about it and that she was still trying to piece together what was fact and what were rumors. In the end, she walked out on them. Valern and Sporatus agreed to have her followed."

"They did what?" Stepping out of the lift, Lidanya scanned the crowd. Not seeing who she was looking for, she proceeded toward the Asari embassy. "The nerve... That's borderline paranoia."

"Precisely." A cool voice met the two as they rounded a corner. An asari clad in black with silver markings stepped forward. "Their paranoia will be their strong point here."

"Irissa, good timing." Lidanya nodded to the other asari, eyeing the entrance to the embassy. "She is busy I assume."

"Dealing with the other councilors. From what I heard, it isn't going well." Irissa's lips upturned slightly, and Shepard got the impression that it wasn't supposed to be amusing but satisfying, whatever was going on in there. "I hear you were the one that informed her about the artifact on Thessia." Irissa stressed the word "artifact" with a sarcastic tone. "Good that you did."

"Don't tell me you knew about this." Lidanya stood facing Irissa, arms folded. "If you did, I would hope that you would have come forward."

"I did not know of its true nature per se. I knew that temple was guarded a little too... carefully for my liking. When I questioned it, high command waved it off, stating that Government records were hidden in the temple itself, but I didn't believe it."

While Irissa's words sank in, Shepard saw the potential in both of these women as allies against High Command. Lidanya seemed to have a strong resolve to do what was necessary but keep in mind what was within the limits of the law. Irissa was loyal to her people but not to her government. She had suspicions about how her people rose to galactic power, and she was right. Hearing the door to the councilor's personal office open, Shepard saw the two matriarchs nod as Tevos looked to them.

"Best of luck to you." Shepard said this as the two entered the office. "I think you'll need it."

"Going up against our own government..." Irissa turned back, a spark in her grey eyes. "This should be interesting."

"Claws in." Lidanya said this and it brought out a short laugh from the other matriarch. "Don't get too excited just yet."

"Please." Waving her hand in a dismissive action, Irissa couldn't resist a slight smirk. "I've waited for this for nearly a century." As they moved out of sight, further into the office, Tevos' eyes landed on Shepard. Exhaustion and unease were evident in their dark depths.

"I could have never foreseen that I would be standing here, preparing to challenge my own government..."

"How are you going to handle it?" Speaking in a low tone, Shepard stepped closer, watching people pass by in the reflective glass door that had now closed behind the matriarchs. "Are they enough?"

"I already have a plan of action." Tevos kept her voice low as well, eyes darting back toward her office door. "Regardless of High Command's choices, the galactic races will know of this first thing tomorrow." Closing her eyes briefly, the councilor took in a deep breath; raising her hand to massage the bridge of her nose. "As for them being enough, I can only hope..."

"You know what you're doing." Shepard took the asari's hand as it fell back to her side. "Your peoples' reputation is in your hands."

"You can relate to that pressure, Shepard. The fate of the galaxy is in yours." Tevos felt Shepard's hand gently close around hers. "This battle will be meaningless compared to what is to come, but it is necessary." Returning the gesture, the councilor stepped back slowly. "Goddess help them live with their choices as my world burns."

"Good luck." Shepard watched as Tevos vanished behind the glossed door of her office. Nodding to the asari in reception, she turned and headed back for the lift. Selecting the presidium commons, she waited as the lift moved down.

Reaching her destination, Shepard exited and headed toward Apollo's Café on the lower tier. Rounding the stairs, she saw her intended target. Matriarch Aethyta stood behind the bar, looking over toward one of the tables where Liara was eye-deep in her omni tool. Approaching the bar, she saw the matriarch look up; eyes widening temporarily in recognition.

"Well well, what brings you here, Shepard?"

"Curious about how much you know." Shepard leaned against the bar, interlacing her fingers and locking eyes on the matriarch. "I'm sure you're aware of what is going on in the embassies."

"I've heard a few rumors." Aethyta nodded and eyed the drink rack behind the man beside her. "Relax and have a drink, Shepard; you look like you need it, and I need a reason." That last was said in a very low voice to stop any eavesdroppers. At the human's nod, Aethyta went to work.

"Heard rumors, huh?" Recognizing the mild asari drink as it was prepared, Shepard saw the discrete nod. "And just what kind of rumors?"

"Bad ones." When the drink was done, Aethyta moved so that the other man beside her was as far from her as possible. "I've heard some other matriarchs are on the station; namely Lidanya and Irissa. Lidanya is no real surprise, being the commander of the Ascension, but Irissa..." Eyes flicking to Liara and back, she continued. "Irissa is the candidate for the council seat, should something happen."

"So I've heard." Taking a long sip of the drink, Shepard took in its flavor. "I'll tell you this though; the bartender on the Silversun Strip has nothing on you." This made Aethyta laugh.

"Benefits of working on Illium, babe." Lowering her voice again, she continued. "Irissa being here on the Citadel doesn't mean good things. It probably means that there's about to be a royal shake up in Asari High Command. Know anything about that?"

"Yeah, you?"

"Yeah, a rumor; one that they're damned scared will hit the media tomorrow." Aethyta narrowed her eyes after looking back at Liara. "She told me what you found on Thessia. I don't want to believe it, but I'd bet my life it's true."

"The statue of the Goddess." Keeping it simple but not obvious, Aethyta recognized Shepard's tactic. Nodding solemnly, she landed the commander with a questioning look.

"So you let the councilor in on it... Good move." She watched as Shepard took another long sip of her drink. "Anything else?"

"Yeah. You were right. It's hitting the news tomorrow." Downing the rest, which was just more than a shot's worth, Shepard nodded to reaffirm her statement. Using her credit chit, she turned back. "Thanks for the drink."

"Anytime, babe." Aethyta leaned forward, wiping out the glass as she did so. "Give my regards to the councilor, and tell her she's got my support on this."

"Next time I'm around the embassies, I'll have to do that." With her suspicion confirmed, Shepard left for the rapid transit terminal. Aethyta would be a good contact, since High Command was using her to keep an eye on the new broker as it was. Moving up the stairs, she went, opposite of the lift, hailing a skycab to return to the apartment.

The ride back to the strip was uneventful, Shepard using it to collect her thoughts. Everything had happened: the clone, her parents, the move against the powers that be in Asari government, and somehow she hadn't slept through any of it. Since this shore leave had started Shepard had done nothing even remotely akin to relaxing, and as she walked through the hallway toward her apartment, all she wanted to do was sit down. Hearing that she had a new message though, she frowned. Entering the apartment and heading for her the terminal, she saw it flashing with a notification. Sitting down, she saw a brief message from David Anderson.

Shepard,

When you get this, try to raise me on the QEC. I heard something and I thought I should tell you. I hope you're spending that shore leave wisely.

Anderson

Shaking her head, Shepard stood up. Stepping back down the hallway, she went into the bar area, activating the display and using her omni tool to send a test connection to Anderson. Seeing the screen flicker, she sat back on the dark sofa, waiting to see if Anderson was there. When his face appeared, she could see people being brought in on gurneys behind him.

"Anderson, I take it things aren't going well." She nodded toward the blur of movement behind him. His frown deepened slightly, but when he spoke it was with that same tone he usually had with her.

"Shepard, I see you got my message. Good to hear from you. Enjoying that shore leave?"

"Not as seamless as I thought, but it's getting there." Choosing to explain the whole clone scandal later, Shepard felt as if she was magnetically attracted to the sofa. Since sitting down, she didn't want to even think about moving, let alone get up. "You alright?"

"Fine for now. Reaper forces are starting to swarm around the general area. Still have a lot of ground to cover to reach the base in strength, but they're mobilizing."

"Keep your head down, Anderson." Shepard held Anderson's gaze for a moment. "You said you found something?"

"I did. Hold on." The display flickered a moment and then Anderson re-appeared in a small room. "I figured I'd spare the others this information, and I thought you might want to hear it personally."

"If this is about what Hackett said earlier..." Shepard could almost see where this was going from the beginning. Anderson cut her off, however.

"This goes beyond that." The spectre watched Anderson sit down, his movements slower than normal. "Shepard, I know you probably don't want to know, but I thought you should. You had a lot of questions about Akuze after it happened. The Alliance blindsided you, and all you were left with were the ghosts of the people you served with."

"Where are you going with this?" Leaning forward slightly, Shepard felt the weight of the world on her shoulders. There was something very wrong with what Anderson was implying. "Are you saying you knew something?"

"I didn't then, but I do now." Anderson paused, seeing the hardened look that passed over his former XO's face. "Shepard, Hackett found your parents, you know that."

"Yeah."

"Well, after raiding the shuttle they died in, the Alliance recovered their personal logs and service records." Anderson paused, or it was a QEC timeout; either way, he started speaking after a moment's pause. "Shepard, they were part of the science team on Akuze. Their personal logs indicate that they knew exactly who you were and that they had requested a transfer to the colony when they found out you were the lead on the survey team."

The admiral's words seemed to be coming in and out of focus. Shepard heard every one, but after the statement that her parents, her rat-bastard, Cerberus, parents were involved in the events on Akuze, she lost all sense of where she was.

"Coming at us from all sides! We can't hold them off!"

"Suppressive fire! Keep them occupied while Tombs sends off that signal!" Her own shouts echoed as she laid down covering fire while a corporal moved to a more stable sniping position; the ledge he had been using was crumbling due to maw activity underground.

"I'm clear! Move, they're headed your way!"

She had dove for cover, seeing the giant worm surging from underground somewhere to her right. Feeling the acid make contact with a thinner spot on her armor, Shepard put up a barrier in an attempt to keep the rest of the light armor intact.

"Pull back! Get back! It's going to charge!" She had time to shout the order over the comm before the maw nearest buried itself back down into the ground. Seeing one of her younger teammates being pulled into the sink hole it was causing, she dove for his hand, gripping it and nearly getting dragged down herself. The smoke from their destroyed local transport and fuel supplies was making it difficult to see as it was, but the continuous dust clouds from the maws' insurgence and retreats was making things more difficult. Hearing someone, she barely felt their hand as they struggled to keep her above ground.

"Ma'am! Shepard!"

"Shepard?"

Blinking rapidly, the dust clouds and ash faded, revealing Anderson still staring back at her from the display a few yards away. Shaking the memory off, she still heard Hendrix' desperate shouting ringing in her ears. "I'm sorry, what?"

"I was talking about that Cerberus lab you found where Tombs was being held. They were there, Shepard. They had left Akuze around the same time the other Cerberus scientists did. The lab was abandoned save for that one scientist that Tombs had managed to hold captive."

"You said they knew who I was?" Thinking back to before the memory had surfaced, Shepard received a nod. "And I guess they just didn't give a damn."

"So it would seem..." Anderson nodded solemnly. "That's the truth Shepard, and I'm sorry for it. I thought you should know." At her nod, he continued in more of a softer tone. "I thought maybe it would bring you some sort of closure. You know who they were now; and what they stood for."

"I may have been better off not knowing..." Head falling in her hands, it felt like a thirty pound bowling ball when it hit her palms. "Any of it. There's no means of closure, not for something like this."