Readers, I am sorry this is later than anticipated. I went away without my computer for the holiday, which slowed things down, but I appreciate your continued interest.

This particular visit is set sort of during Age of Ultron. Based on the hints in the film, there had to be about 3 months between Clint getting back home from Sokovia and Nat getting the video of Nathaniel (with a social smile). You'll also notice that this chapter contains more from Clint's and Laura's POVs.

SPOILERS: As usual, spoilers follow the MCU timeline and this chapter contains spoilers through Age of Ultron. There are no flash forwards, although if you haven't seen Endgame by now, shame on you.

Disclaimer: If you recognize anything, i don't own it.

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Summer 2015 — Part I


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When Natasha arrived back at the farm to meet baby Nathaniel, it was her first time back since the Avengers' brief repose during the hunt for Ultron. It felt like ages had passed since that last visit, but really it had only been six weeks.

The battle against Ultron and his army in Sokovia had left significant destruction in its wake. Natasha, Steve, and Tony had spent much of the month that followed working with the Stark Relief Foundation and what was left of SHIELD to feed, clothe, and house the displaced people and to start rebuilding. Even the few whose homes were spared were harmed by the ruined infrastructure, unable to get clean water, food, or other supplies. It was a mess. By the time the three of them left, Wanda had taken the lead coordinating relief efforts as a way to channel the grief of losing her twin.

Natasha had headed back stateside with Tony and Steve, landing at Avengers Tower in New York just as Laura was going into labor. She had initially been gripped with worry because Laura's due date was still a month away, but her friend had calmly reassured her—from her hospital bed over video chat—that 36 weeks was "pretty much full term" and that she should "try to chill out."

Nathaniel Pietro Barton arrived into the world on June 2 at 5:37 AM, stunned into silence at the sudden and drastic change in his world, Laura's mother Bonnie capturing the moments following the birth on video. Nathaniel was placed onto Laura's chest and the obstetrician had helped Clint, fingers trembling with emotion, to cut the umbilical cord before two people in scrubs carried him over to the infant warmer. He was wrinkled and purple and covered in mucus, blood, and a thick whitish film in places, but the infant didn't seem bothered. He just lay there, eyes open and squinting in the bright light, eerily silent for over a minute. It wasn't until one of the nurses tapped the bottom of his tiny foot that he drew a startled breath and began to wail.

Natasha had watched that video of her nephew—her namesake—with fascination. Later in the evening Clint had video-called her and Laura held the tiny creature up to the camera for her to see, pink and clean and sleeping soundly in a onesie with the words "Hello, World!" printed onto the front. Laura lifted one of his arms to wave at Natasha through the camera.

"Nathaniel, look, it's your Auntie Nat," Laura said, looking exhausted but content. Clint would never forget the expression on Natasha's face as she looked at the newborn with a tear slipping unbidden down her cheek.

"Widow, are you crying?" a familiar cocky voice said from out of the frame.

"Shut up, Tony. Nat, you okay?" Steve's concerned voice came from offscreen until he slid into a seat next to Natasha. He looked at the screen of her tablet and grinned. "Oh, wow, congratulations!"

Unfortunately, between finishing the Sokovia paperwork and moving the entire Avengers operation upstate, it would be a couple weeks before she could meet Nathaniel in person. Natasha and Steve had been living at the Avengers tower in the city full-time ever since regaining their bearings after SHIELD fell the year before, which meant they were both moving as well. Steve had taken up the mantle of captaining the team and Natasha had become an integral leader after returning from her hiatus in Russia. Both had decided to move into the living quarters at the upstate facility. It would still be a few weeks before it was fully operational but they'd still had to vacate the tower. Natasha had packed her few personal belongings, deposited them in her new apartment, and stayed just long enough to get some of the essentials up and running before she could head out to the farm.

Natasha arrived at the farmhouse to find Cooper and Lila playing a beanbag toss game on the front lawn. They hugged her happily, Cooper taking her bag from her to put in her usual room and Lila led her by the hand into the house, chattering excitedly. Clint, who had picked her up at the airport, smiled to himself as he watched them disappear into the house, almost not minding that his kids hadn't even spared a glance in his direction.

"Shhhhh," Cooper whispered when the three of them crossed the threshold.

"The baby might be asleep," Lila whispered loudly in explanation. "He sleeps a lot, but he is super loud when he cries."

"He screams bloody murder just for being woken up or getting changed." Cooper rolled his eyes, clearly disapproving of his infant brother's dramatic behavior. They walked quietly down the hall and into her room, Cooper set the small suitcase on the floor and sat on the bed. Lila closed the door and then flung herself down beside her brother with a huge sigh. Natasha suppressed a laugh at her theatrics.

"Being quiet all the time is hard," she said, sounding exasperated beyond her 6 years. "I love Nathaniel but all he does is sleep and cry."

"He mostly just looks and acts like an angry alien. Mom and Dad say it's a good thing it's summertime so that at least we can go outside and play."

"I see," Natasha said, looking into the two kids' faces. "That treehouse must be getting some solid use." At this, their faces lit up.

"Yep!" Cooper said. "It's our baby-free zone."

"We even started keeping some games and snacks in there now"

"Plus a lot of our spy stuff," Cooper whispered. Natasha grinned. Since both of the kids had started going through what Clint called the 'secret agent phase' last year, she had been fueling the interest by providing minor spy lessons and sending little trinkets for them when she could. They were simple things, like walkie-talkies that looked like wristwatches and binoculars with night vision capability, but based on Laura's texts when a new package arrived in the mail, both Cooper and Lila were overjoyed with each new toy.

"I'm excited to see what you've done with the treehouse since last time," she told them earnestly. Lila frowned.

"You mean the time before," she corrected. "Last time you were here for like 8 hours."

"Yeah, doesn't really count if she didn't spend the night," Cooper interjected.

"It does so count, she was still here," Lila insisted. Then her attention shifted in the way young children often do, and she reached out toward Natasha, her fingers brushing lightly at the spot below the hollow of her throat where the golden arrow necklace rested. "You still wear it!" she said happily.

"Whenever I can," she said. She didn't just say it to make Lila and Cooper pleased, she really did wear it consistently whenever she was not on mission. Although since Lila did comment on the necklace whenever Natasha visited the farmhouse, there wasn't a chance she'd ever walk through the front door without it.

Just then there was a soft knock at the door. Natasha pulled it open to see Clint standing there with his eyebrows raised.

"What, I'm not cool enough to be invited to the secret meeting?" he asked.

"Nope," Natasha said, smirking at him and making Cooper and Lila giggle Clint feigned an expression of hurt and mimed a knife twisting in his heart.

"That hurt, Nat."

"Truth hurts," she quipped back, jabbing him playfully in the ribs with her elbow.

"Well if you're done with your covert pow-wow, there's someone out here who wants to meet you," he smiled and turned back down the hall. There was a silence that fell and she saw the older kids exchange somber looks.

"Aunt Nat, you're still going to hang out with me and Lila, right? I mean, just because the baby is here…" Cooper trailed off nervously.

"Of course, bratik," she said. "In fact, I may or may not have something really fun planned for the three of us later this week." She arched one eyebrow and smiled mischievously at the kids, whose faces were now alight with inquiry and excitement. She left the room with a predictable chorus of "what is it, what is it?" trailing her all the way into the living room.

Clint was several steps ahead of her, leaning down to where Laura sat on the couch and taking a tiny bundle of blankets from her arms. Laura looked around her husband when she heard footsteps and she grinned at the sight of her friend.

"Nat, hi," she said, standing and rushing to give her a hug. Natasha smiled, glad to see that Laura looked so well. After so many months it was a little strange to hug her without the pregnant belly in the way. They pulled apart and Laura kept her hands on Natasha's back. "How are you, honey?" Natasha shrugged one shoulder.

"Better," she said truthfully, because it was an answer she could manage. Laura read her expression easily and nodded in understanding.

"We'll have some tea later, okay?" she said quietly. Natasha nodded with a small and grateful smile, knowing that tea meant quiet downtime and the opportunity to talk, if she wanted.

Clint was making his way toward them, his usually confident strides much shorter and more cautious with the baby in his arms. Laura smiled and stepped to the side to make room for her husband. Natasha stood stock-still, seemingly frozen. If it hadn't been for the subtle softness and wonder in her facial expression that intermingled with the stiffness and fear, Laura might have thought she was having a flashback.

Then he was placing the baby into Natasha's arms, and she held him a little awkwardly at first, navigating her arms and hands around Clint's to ensure the infant's head and neck were supported. All at once, the baby's warm weight was nestled in her arms and his large, strangely blue eyes were blinking up at her.

"Nathaniel, meet your Auntie Nat," Clint said. He and Laura were beaming at her, Clint's arm around Laura's shoulders. Cooper and Lila stood on tiptoes, trying to see their little brother's reaction.

"Still looks the same to me," Cooper said, shrugging. "C'mon, Lila." The two of them scampered back out the front door, leaving the rest in silence.

Natasha looked down into Nathaniel's face. She marveled at how his lips, nose, and chin were so tiny, so intricately formed, so perfect. The helix of his right ear was crimped downward, just a little, like it had been squashed a bit while he was still growing inside the womb. His little chin sat just far enough back that his upper lip stuck out a little ahead of the lower one in a pout. Nathaniel was quiet but alert, and he blinked and gazed up at her through impossibly long eyelashes with his huge deep-blue irises. His fine, downy hair tickled her fingers where his head rested against her hand. It was the first time Natasha could ever remember feeling so entirely captivated.

She didn't know how long she stood there in silence, just staring at the baby as he squinted back at her.

"Dobro pozhalovat, mir malyshko," she whispered, a belated welcome into the world. She looked up at Clint and Laura, looking contentedly back at her. "He's amazing," she told them.

"We think so," Laura agreed.

"Are they always this small?"

"More or less," Laura said, but Clint frowned.

"Hey now, give him a break, he was 4 weeks early!" he jumped in defensively.

"He regained his birth weight in a week," Laura pointed out. "We are well on our way to having a chubby baby."

Nathaniel stretched, somehow wriggling a tiny hand out of his swaddled blanket and brought it to the corner of his mouth, sucking on his fist, still staring up at Natasha. It wasn't long before he started to squirm and fuss quietly.

"Uh—" Natasha began uncertainly, looking to Laura for instructions. She was already reaching for her son with a smile.

"Speaking of which, looks like he's ready to eat. Here, I'll take him," she said, helping Natasha to hand the baby back to her. "Be back in a bit," she said, smiling over her shoulder at them and disappearing up the stairs.

"Wow, Clint," she said, lost for words.

"Yeah," he said. "I'd say he's a damn good reason to retire. They all are." Clint stuffed his hands into his pockets and shrugged his shoulders.

Natasha nodded her head a fraction of an inch. She found she couldn't quite meet his gaze.

As much as she hated how much it affected her, Clint's retirement was still a bit of a sore subject. None of it had been a surprise, ever since he'd told her about Laura's pregnancy he had been making plans to cut back once the baby came. She hadn't wanted to believe it at first; after all, Clint had cut back his hours and tried out partial retirement before now. Something about this time, though, and the finality in his face and in his voice when he talked about the future told Natasha that this was immutable for him.

Their close relationship had grown from a friendship that started as a partnership rooted deeply in the profound trust in, and understanding of, each other. What would happen when that partnership was gone?

Natasha blinked at a spot just over Clint's shoulder before she turned away, crossing toward the door to see where Cooper and Lila had gone. She felt his hand catch her shoulder before she could go two paces and she stopped.

"Nat," he said, "What's going on?"

"It's nothing," she said, because she wanted it to be nothing.

"You want to talk about it now or later?" he asked. He took a couple of strategic strides so that he stood directly in front of her.

"Nothing to talk about," she said, but the tiniest brittle note in her voice betrayed her.

"Later it is, then." Clint reluctantly let go of Natasha's shoulder and before he could blink she was out the front door, presumably to find the older kids.

His worry for his partner following his official retirement had not been insignificant. Since Natasha's life largely revolved around her work, even now, Clint had worried about what would happen when he disappeared from that part of her life. It wasn't that he was critically important, but he knew how much it meant for Natasha to have a close confidant or two in her daily life. He was relieved that Steve Rogers would still be working with her and living nearby.

Steve and Natasha had become close since SHIELD had fallen and despite Laura's quips to the contrary, Clint was pleased that she'd found another trusted partner. That was especially true now. The last several weeks must have been terrible for Natasha. Wanda ripping open old scars in her mind, the devastation in Sokovia, Banner disappearing, all of it had to be affecting her more than she was letting on. He still had no idea exactly what was going on between Nat and Banner. After Laura had mentioned something the day the Avengers came to the house for a respite, Clint had scrutinized their interactions a little more closely.

He would never admit to Laura that she had been right, both about the existence of their relationship and the fact that Clint had been completely oblivious to it. A second blow to his ego came with the realization that Steve had known for a while. He had recognized the change in Natasha's demeanor around Banner long before Clint had. Granted, Steve had lived in close proximity to Natasha, Banner, and Tony for almost a year now, but Clint was supposed to be her best friend. Instead, he'd barely been present in the periphery of her life lately.

Despite his preoccupation with his retirement and Nathaniel's birth, Clint was now realizing what a completely crap friend he had been to her recently, and wondered how to make it up to her.

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Natasha appreciated the routine that had developed around her arrivals to the farm for visits. Usually that first day was all about being together, catching up, relaxing and enjoying each other's company before Natasha integrated herself easily into the family routine for the duration of her stay with them. First there were greetings, then quality time playing with Cooper and Lila, followed by helping to prepare supper and eating together. Then there was some kind of winding down time if it was a school night or, the kids' favorite, a bonfire out back complete with music and s'mores. The time that she valued most were the hours after the kids went to sleep, when she could sit with Clint and Laura on the back patio with tea or a beer and they could really catch up and decompress from whatever life had thrown at them since the last time they'd been together.

She had volunteered to help Clint prepare dinner in order to allow Laura to retreat upstairs for a nap. Nathaniel slept in a pack-n-play in a far corner of the kitchen while she and Clint chose one of the many casseroles stacked in the refrigerator and freeze to reheat for dinner.

"This is the Midwest, that's what people do," he'd shrugged when Natasha asked him what was the deal with all of the baking dishes in the fridge. "When someone is born, gets sick, or dies, you make a casserole."

Laura slept all through dinner and cleanup, which was largely conducted by Cooper and Lila, who'd started to take on more household chores in the last few months. Nathaniel woke and started to fuss just as the older kids began to ask about having a fire out back.

"Yep, you guys grab the s'mores supplies, find us some good roasting sticks, and we'll be out there in half an hour. Nate needs dinner, too," Clint had told them. Natasha was confused about how they'd feed the baby with Laura still asleep until Clint pulled out a small plastic bottle from the back of the fridge, looked at the date scribbled on the side, and began to run it under warm water at the sink.

"So we're calling him Nate, are we?"

"Yeah," Clint shrugged. "Seemed natural. And this way, there will never be a doubt who he was named for." He shot her a goofy grin and she smiled back. Nathaniel started to cry in earnest and she leaned down to pick him up, moving slowly and gingerly to the point where she was holding him a little awkwardly, but too afraid of harming the baby to adjust her positioning. Clint started to laugh.

"What?"

"You are handling him like he's a live land mine. He's a baby, not a bomb."

"No," she said under her breath, "those I'm comfortable with."

"Babies aren't as fragile as they look. As long as you support his head, don't drop him, and don't shake him, you won't break him. Here." He set the now warmed milk on the counter as Natasha stepped over toward him with the baby. Nathaniel had quieted a little since being picked up, but was still fussing. Clint helped her to adjust her positioning so that the baby's soft head rested in the crook of her left arm. "That's better," he said.

"Thanks."

"Sure. You're going to need this, too." He tucked a cloth under the baby's chin and pushed the bottle into Natasha's right hand.

"Oh no, I have no idea how to feed a baby," she protested, Nathaniel's cry intensifying.

"You will in about 5 seconds. Just put the bottle in his mouth and make sure he doesn't choke." Natasha had started to bring the bottle to the baby's mouth but yanked her hand back at the last statement.

"What?" she exclaimed, eyes widening slightly.

"I'm kidding, just stick it in there."

"That's what she said," Natasha muttered under her breath. Clint laughed out loud.

"You have been spending far too much time with Stark."

Nathaniel went for the bottle eagerly and Natasha found that this was not only easy, but oddly satisfying. When the baby had drained the contents of the bottle, Clint showed her how to burp him by sitting the baby forward while supporting his head and patting him on the back. When he was comfortably asleep again, Clint strapped his tiny son into a baby carrier strapped to his chest and they went outside to help Cooper and Lila with the fire.

By the time Laura came outside to join them, the fire was just getting to the perfect stage for the first round of s'mores, Lila was holding an alert Nathaniel in one of the camp chairs, and Cooper and Clint were playing air guitar to an AC/DC song playing over his bluetooth speakers. Natasha passed Clint a bottle of beer and looked around when she heard Laura approach. Laura pointed an accusing finger between her and Clint.

"Four hours!" she exclaimed. "You two let me sleep for four hours."

"Why does she sound mad about that?" Cooper asked his father, whose hands were raised in a gesture of surrender.

"I think it's actually been four and a half," Natasha smirked at her friend, checking her watch. Laura glared.

"That's because I slept so long without waking to feed the baby that my boobs were killing me. Had to pump before I came out here." Cooper and Lila made sounds of disgust in response. She went to Clint and gave him a soft kiss. "Thank you, I needed that," she said.

"Then you're angry because…?"

"Because Nat just got here!" She turned toward Natasha with an apology etched on her face. "I promised we'd talk and I feel like I'm ignoring you."

"I thought you were past treating me like a guest?" Natasha said, one eyebrow raised a fraction of an inch. "I'm not going anywhere soon, there will be plenty of time to catch up." Laura did not have a response to this, so she turned back to Clint and ran a hand up his arm.

"You did remember to feed the baby, right?" Her voice was light and teasing rather than accusatory.

"Oh, I didn't feed the baby," he said seriously. "Nat did. Burped him, too."

"Awww, good for you!" Laura said, grinning at her proudly. "We'll make a mama out of you yet."

Natasha recognized the compliment and gave her friend a small smile.

"I think you'd make a great mom, Auntie Nat," Lila said seriously, and then added, "plus then we'd have cousins to play with."

"And I think it's about time for s'mores!" Clint said, clapping his hands together and rubbing them vigorously. "Cooper, did you find some good sticks for us?"

As he sidestepped past Natasha, she felt him briefly and discreetly squeeze her shoulder. She found she was grateful for the gesture.

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"Talk," Laura commanded, setting a hot mug of tea down in front of Natasha at the picnic table on the back patio. She sat beside her at the table. Clint was finishing getting the older kids into bed and would be joining them in a few minutes.

The weather was too nice to sit inside, and the sounds of chirping insects and intermittent blinking of fireflies made the scene seem idyllic. Clint had strung up several new strands of outdoor lights that gently illuminated the space with a yellow-white glow. Nathaniel was nestled contentedly over Natasha's left chest, head resting on her shoulder, fast asleep. Clint was right: the more she held him, the more comfortable she felt.

"What about?"

"Whatever's on your mind. A lot's happened since I last saw you, and we didn't get to talk much while you were in the middle of hunting Ultron."

"I wasn't in the best headspace then," she said by way of explanation.

"No, you seemed pretty shaken," Laura observed gently. "Clint told me a little about what happened, with the Maximoff girl bringing up everyone's nightmares." She paused, giving Natasha the chance to interject, but she said nothing. "I know there's no shortage of horror in your past. Are you doing okay?"

"'I'm fine," she said automatically. She noticed Laura's cut-the-crap expression and amended, "I'm better. It's just been a rough few weeks." A few beats of silence passed as each sipped their tea. Nathaniel remained asleep on Natasha's shoulder.

"Have you heard from Dr. Banner?"

Natasha shook her head. She hadn't heard a damn thing since Hulk had cut off her radio communication on the quinjet. Tracking Bruce Banner had once been a small part of her job when she'd first started working for SHIELD all those years ago. She was familiar with his pattern of complete radio silence after his destructive transformations, but she sensed this time was different. Hulk seemed more in control of his decision making lately, and she'd noticed the change even when he'd looked at her through the video screen. Even if he had transformed back, would Bruce reach out to contact her at all? Their last meeting had ended badly, and it was possible he was still angry with her for forcing him into becoming Hulk?

"What happened between you two?" Laura asked quietly. Her face was filled with such concern that Natasha wanted to talk to her, to tell her everything that was going on.

So she did. She told Laura about how they'd become friends while living at the Avengers tower in New York after the Chitauri invasion. Both tended to seek solace and fresh air on the roof of the tower and had run into each other there on a number of sleepless nights. Instead of keeping to themselves, they started sitting together when they were both in the kitchen for a meal. An easy friendship developed between them and at some point, Natasha found herself wandering between his usual nighttime haunts when she was unable to sleep, intentionally seeking out his company.

Natasha knew that Bruce was somewhat smitten with her. After all, she was exceptionally good at reading expressions and mannerisms. The connection between the two of them became obvious to the rest of the team when the Lullaby was developed, largely by accident (and very much against Bruce's wishes, as it involved knowingly exposing her to an unpredictable Hulk). There came a point when even she was unable to lie to herself about the inexplicable happiness, profound trust, and desire for intimacy that Bruce could stir in her with just one of his shy smiles. She felt like she'd been thrown into emotional territory so new that for the longest time she hadn't known what to do about it, if anything at all.

Then the opportunity had come at the party celebrating the re-capture of Loki's scepter and had started with Bruce teasing her with a pickup line from an old Hollywood movie, and she had gone with it, conveying her interest in a light, flirtatious tone that he'd certainly seemed to understand. She had confided in him after the attack on their minds in Johannesburg, revealing one of the darkest parts of her past in an effort to refute his insistence that they couldn't be together. It seemed to work, but then she had been kidnapped by Ultron, Bruce had rescued her, and then had chosen the worst possible time to try to disappear on the rest of the team in the name of getting Natasha somewhere safe.

Laura was a very good listener, and when Natasha paused at this point in the story, she nodded at her to continue. Natasha took another breath and recounted how she'd kissed him as a means to put him off his guard and pushed him over a ledge in order to force his transformation. The look of betrayal on his face as he'd fallen backwards into the chasm — the last time Natasha had seen Bruce as himself — was burned into her memory.

"You know the rest," she finished weakly. "Haven't heard from him since." There were a few beats of silence filled only by the crickets humming around them.

"That's definitely the most I've ever heard you talk," Laura told her, smirking.

"It's not a short story."

"Wow. Forget the tea, you need Vodka."

Natasha took another drink of her tea, which had cooled several degrees now, and gave her a small smile. She checked to make sure Nathaniel was still sleeping soundly against her chest and looked up at her friend to see a mixture of emotions on Laura's face.

"I know this should not be my first reaction," she began, "But why is this the first I'm hearing about you and Dr. Banner? From you, I mean, not just by observation."

"Nothing to tell. Our relationship wasn't —isn't— really definable." Laura let out an exclamation of annoyance.

"Honey, maybe not officially, but what you are describing sounds an awful lot like love," she said pointedly, smiling at her.

"I thought the Red Room managed to program all of that out of me," Natasha said in a voice so honest and matter-of-fact that it almost surprised her. They had certainly tried. Madame B's voice asserting "Love is for children" echoed through her mind unbidden and she pushed it aside.

Truthfully, and she would never tell another soul this, but Natasha was genuinely relieved that she was even capable of experiencing romantic love for another person. She had questioned it for a very long time, wondered whether the traumas of her past and the ways she had been forced to use her body had irrevocably stomped out any possibility of a romantic relationship in the future.

She was so thoroughly absorbed in her own thoughts that she almost didn't realize Laura was speaking.

"—heart wants what it wants, that's part of being human and no amount of brainwashing can totally erase it. I'm really happy for you, Nat." Laura's eyes were shining with delight. "Dr. Banner is bound to come back, and you'll just need to see where those feelings take you when he does."

"We'll see," she said, but she really wasn't sure and she was ready to change the subject. "So how are things around here?" Laura could tell she was changing the subject and it was a mark of their friendship that Laura didn't push the issue.

"Really great," Laura answered, unable to keep a smile off of her face. She ran her finger around the rim of her mug before taking another sip. "Not sure they could be better, actually. Nathaniel's healthy, Cooper and Lila are happy, and we're all so grateful to have Clint at home with us full time."

"I bet," Natasha said. "Well, you just send him back if he starts tearing up the house again." She kept her tone carefully light and nonchalant, unwilling to convey to Laura how much she already missed her best friend's presence around the tower.

Both looked around suddenly as the sliding glass door opened and Clint stepped outside with a glass of water in his hand. He slid the door quietly closed again after he realized that Nathaniel was asleep and slid onto the bench of the table opposite the two women.

"That took a while," Laura observed.

"Well, you know how it is," he said, stretching and unrolling the sleeves of his flannel shirt back over his forearms. "Lila wants one more chapter and the next thing you know, the book is finished." Laura raised her eyebrows and shook her head. She looked back at Natasha.

"I rescind my earlier comment," she said. "Clint's being home 24/7 now is going to result in some increased chaos at the Barton homestead."

"Hey, I founded the Barton homestead." He grinned goofily at his wife, whose expression seemed to reluctantly soften. "So what'd I miss?" Laura and Natasha exchanged a look, and Natasha shrugged her free shoulder.

"Talking about your retirement. Convenient, how you timed that so you wouldn't have to help with the move to the new Avengers facility upstate."

"How'd that go? You guys all settled in?" Clint asked, sounding genuinely curious now. Natasha shook her head.

"It was a pretty big move and there's a lot left to do. Plus I had to pack and schlep all of your crap upstate in addition to mine, so thanks for that," she teased.

"Sorry about that," Clint winced. "But still, better you than Tony."

"I still threw out all of your dirty magazines," she teased.

"Really cool comment to make in front of my kid, Nat," he shook his head as if in disappointment, but he was smiling.

"Oh it's fine, he can't understand language yet, can you, malyshko?" She cooed quietly to Nathaniel. In answer, he slept on.

"That reminds me," Laura said to Natasha, "Cooper and Lila have been asking me if he's going to have a special Auntie Nat nickname, like they do."

"Eventually, yes, but I want to see what he's like first," she smiled softly at the sleeping baby on her chest. "Besides, I think that they are already worried enough about how my attention is divided now that he's here."

"Yeah, Cooper's worried you'll like him more because he's named after you," Laura confided a little sheepishly.

"And since Cooper is worried, so is Lila," Clint added.

"I gathered that talking to them earlier. Speaking of which, mind if I take them out for the day on Thursday?"

"Go for it," Clint said at the same time as Laura exclaimed "Absolutely!" They laughed and Nathaniel stirred and started to fuss. Natasha shifted the baby into her arms. The change in position only calmed him for a few moments before he began to squirm again.

"What did you have planned?" Clint asked, interested.

"Skydiving, motorcycle lessons, tattoos," she said, smirking. "The usual."

"Honestly? Just bring them back in one piece and without too much emotional scarring," Laura grinned. Nathaniel started to cry in earnest now, bringing his fist to his mouth again, and Laura reached for him. Natasha's arms felt strangely light and empty without the weight of the baby and she briefly wondered if this was how Clint and Laura when they handed him to someone else.

"Hungry man," Clint said approvingly.

"He'll be fat before you know it," Laura stood and went inside to feed the baby.

Natasha followed, suddenly feeling exhausted. She said goodnight to Clint and Laura and excused herself to her usual bedroom on the first floor. She was grateful not to be in the upstairs guest bedroom, the one she had briefly shared with Bruce upstairs. Wherever he was, she thought as she slid into bed and pulled sheet up to her chin, she hoped he was safe.

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By the following morning, everyone had fallen into their usual routines. Natasha and Clint rose at dawn to go for a run and arrived back to make breakfast as usual and Laura had come downstairs as the first pancakes were coming off of the griddle. Breakfast passed in its usual chaos. Just as they were starting to clean up the breakfast mess, one of Cooper's friends showed up at the front door and he bolted outside to play. Lila remained at the table with her colored pencils to draw, still tousle-haired and in her pajamas. Nathaniel was put down for a nap in his bassinet in the living room, Clint had gone upstairs for a shower and Natasha was catching up on e-mails.

The morning chaos was winding down for Laura, who had just finished wiping down the counters and started to unload the dishwasher when Lila spoke unexpectedly from the kitchen table.

"Mama, what does 'sterilize' mean?" Lila asked, not looking up from her intense coloring. Laura was occupied unloading several plates from the dishwasher.

"It means cleaning something really, really well so there aren't any germs left. Like when we boil jars before we make jam or can green beans," she answered without much thought.

"Oh," Lila said. Laura finished unloading the dishwasher and joined Lila at the kitchen table with a glass of water and her crossword puzzle. "Can you sterilize a person?"

Laura looked up at her 6-year-old, completely shocked by the question. She tried to keep her expression calm and her voice even.

"What do you mean?" she asked. She was not about to inadvertently give her daughter more information that she was asking for.

"Like, when I take a bath and scrub with soap, is that sterilizing?" Laura almost smiled with relief and amusement.

"No, sweetie. That just gets the dirt and bad germs off of your skin, but we still have good germs in our bodies that help keep us healthy. Sterilizing kills the good germs and the bad germs, too."

"Can you still live without the good germs?" Lila asked in a small voice, looking up from the underwater scene she was drawing and staring wide-eyed at her mother. She looked genuinely concerned.

"Lila, honey, why are you asking? Where did you hear that word from?" Lila stared into her lap, some of her long brown hair falling into her face. It was several seconds before she answered.

"I didn't mean to spy, I swear," she said. "I just wanted to give Auntie Nat the dreamcatcher I made her at Daisies, but— but—" her voice trailed off.

"It's okay, you're not in trouble," Laura assured her daughter.

"She was talking to her friend in the upstairs bedroom and she said some people in a red room sterilized her at graduation and something about missions being easier and then I left so they wouldn't hear me."

Laura felt as though she'd been punched in the gut.

"Honey, are — are you sure that's what you heard?"

Lila nodded and Laura felt like the wind was knocked out of her. It took several seconds before she was able to breathe again. Nat must have been talking to Banner, and if Lila had heard correctly, she wasn't just sterile, she'd been sterilized. Forcibly.

All at once, so many little things fell into place that she knew Lila had not misheard anything. Of course sterilizing their female agents was something the KGB would do, it made perfect sense. She knew that being pregnant was the one thing that could radically reorder any woman's priorities. The Red Room had invested far too much in their agents to lose them to motherhood.

Other things started coming together as well, like the strangely stiff look that flashed onto Nat's face every time Laura had asked her about having kids before carefully rearranging her expression into one of nonchalance, resulting in brief awkward moments during dozens of conversations over the years that Laura had thought she might have imagined. She had registered an unusual mixture of fascination and heartache, maybe even a flicker of longing once or twice, whenever Natasha had looked too long at Laura's swelling belly or felt the baby kick.

Once, when she realized she'd been staring a little too long, she offered her own lack of experience as explanation. Natasha's life and career didn't expose her to many pregnant women or children, that was obvious from their first meeting half a dozen years ago, so she hadn't thought much beyond that explanation.

Oh God, hadn't she and Lila both commented on Nat potentially becoming a mom yesterday evening? She'd been inadvertently grinding salt into a wound she hadn't known existed. What Laura wouldn't give to be able to un-say all of those things.

"I promise I didn't mean to hear anything, I just wanted to give Auntie Nat the dreamcatcher. I'm really sorry." Lila said, her small voice containing a note of pleading now. Lila must have taken Laura's silence for anger. She swallowed the suffocating lump in her throat and leaned forward in her chair at eye level with her daughter.

"It's okay, honey, you're not in trouble."

"Then how come you're upset?" Laura sighed and looked into Lila's penitent face.

"I'm not angry with you, Lila. Does Auntie Nat know that you heard her talking to her friend?" Lila hadn't said who it was, but she suspected Dr. Banner had been the other half of the argument.

"Uh-uh," Lila said, shaking her head. "But is Auntie Nat gonna be okay?"

"What do you mean?"

"'Cause her good germs are all gone now." Laura almost smiled with relief.

"Yeah, she's going to be fine, okay?" Laura said, brushing Lila's hair back behind her ear and out of her face. "But I need you to help keep her secret, okay? If Nat did not want anyone else to hear her arguing with her friend, we need to respect that."

Lila shrugged and mumbled "Okay" before returning to her drawing and adding another seaweed plant to the bottom of the page.

"Good. Thank you, honey. I'm going to go check on baby Nate, okay?"

Laura turned away, unable to keep her expression neutral any longer. She crossed into the living room where tiny baby Nathaniel was sound asleep in a bassinet. She looked for a long moment at his little face and she reached her hand out toward him. Her fingers brushed against his downy head.

She felt a dam break inside of her. Her chest heaved and her hand hand clamped over her mouth in a futile effort to silence her sobs as she mourned everything that had been stolen from Natasha.

.


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That's all for now! Next chapter should be up in about a week.

I imagine this must have been a heavier time emotionally for Natasha in the timeline, lots of transitions while still dealing with the aftermath of Wanda's mindf*ck and Banner's disappearance. The next part will contain some lighter moments, not to worry :)

As always, thank you so much for taking the time to review, favorite, and follow this story. I appreciate each and every one of you.

Until next time :)