"Severus?" Lily shook her head. "That's ridiculous."
"I would've thought so, too. When Peter first told me…"
"Peter? I haven't even seen him since…"
"Since the morning after we had that fight," James said. "I sent him to grab some clothes, remember?"
"Okay, but what does that have to do with…"
"Snivellus? Quite a lot, as it turns out."
For once, Lily didn't object to the nickname. She sank into the closest chair, not trusting her trembling legs to hold her upright.
"I didn't even see Peter when he was here. I was asleep in my room, so whatever he thought he saw…"
"Smelled."
"What?"
"Smelled," James repeated. "Rats have keen senses, you know."
"He… he wasn't in his Animagus form. I heard him come in, heard him leave, I…"
"That morning, yes. But not the night before."
Panic rose in Lily's throat, her stomach churning with nausea. She took a deep breath, her voice emerging as a faint whisper.
"What are you saying?"
"I had to make sure you wouldn't leave," James said, "or do anything stupid. Sirius and I were busy with Remus's transformation, but Peter… he's more useful for other things."
"You sent him here to spy on me?"
"It's a good thing I did, wouldn't you say? Otherwise, I might've never known."
"Known what?" she shot back.
"That you were fucking Snivellus."
"I didn't fuck…"
"I know for a fact he was here that night, so don't try to tell me…"
"Fine," she interrupted. "He was here, okay? I asked him to come over, just to talk. I wanted to apologize…"
"Wanted to do a lot more than that, apparently."
"No."
"No?" James echoed. "Then why were the two of you shut up in your bedroom all night?"
"We were talking," she said. "I just told you that. Yes, we were in my room, but I… I was afraid you'd come home. Knowing how spiteful you can be, I wanted to make sure he could escape if…"
"Liar."
"What makes you think I'm…"
"You and Snivellus weren't alone in that room," James interrupted, his eyes gleaming with triumph. "Peter was there, too."
For a second, Lily thought she might faint. Her vision grew dark around the edges, the room teetering precariously as she struggled to get her bearings.
"You…" She paused, forcing herself to take a deep breath. "You didn't…"
"Death Eaters sneaking into my house in the middle of the night? What else was I supposed to do?"
"I… I think I'm going to be sick."
"Yeah," James said. "I felt the same way when Peter described what he'd seen. Still, we should probably go over the details, just in case you still don't believe…"
"No! Please, no, just… give me a minute."
To her surprise, he made no attempt to stop her. She fled from the kitchen, knocking her chair over in her haste to get to the bathroom.
She'd expected to vomit, though that urge passed as soon as she'd warded the door behind her. Instead, she felt an intense, overwhelming need to take a shower, stripping off her clothes before she plunged herself beneath a stream of scalding hot water.
That night… she could still picture it, Severus watching her hungrily as she'd stood at the foot of the bed.
"Shall I take off the rest?"
He wasn't the only one who'd heard those words. Peter had heard them, too. He'd been watching as she'd undressed, exposing every inch of her body beneath the candlelight.
Lily scrubbed herself harder, wishing she could block out the rest. The way she'd pleasured Severus with her mouth, whimpering his name as she'd taken him inside her… those memories were precious, though intensely private. Just the thought that someone else had been there…
She'd never felt more violated. Unfortunately, that was the least of her problems.
"Almost done in there?"
"Just about!"
Lily stepped out of the shower, reaching for her wand. She cast a Calming Charm, feeling a bit more settled as she summoned clothes from her bedroom. Naturally, she was still upset… angry, frightened, dreading the conversation to come. But at least she could think clearly now, taking a deep breath as she headed downstairs.
"Shower?" James said, smirking as he noticed her wet hair. "Don't blame you, really. If Snivellus had put his filthy hands all over me…"
"What did Peter see? Tell me everything."
"If you insist."
Listening to James's version wasn't easy, an act of love twisted into something disgusting and wrong. Still, she breathed a sigh of relief, realizing that Peter had left as soon as it was over. He hadn't been there to hear the conversation that followed, words that were far more revealing than anything physical she and Severus had done.
"James," she said as the room grew quiet. "There's something I still don't understand."
"What's that?"
"If you knew he was here, what we were doing… why didn't you…"
"Why didn't I come back and catch you in the act?"
"Yeah."
"Oh, I thought about it," he said. "Quite a lot, actually. Decided it would be better to pretend I didn't know."
"Why?" Lily asked, though deep down, she already knew the answer.
"Because you were afraid of me finding out. As long as that was the case, you'd do whatever it took to keep up the facade, even if that meant…"
"Having a baby?"
He nodded.
"So that's why you hardly let me out of your sight for months," she said, "why you were so obsessed with getting me pregnant."
"Well, that is why I married you. You know how important it is for me to pass on my family's name."
"Yes, but it wasn't just that, was it?"
"What do you mean?"
"You wanted to get even with Severus, and with me, too. If I'd gotten pregnant… you must've known how much that would hurt him."
James didn't respond. He didn't need to. His expression told her everything she needed to know, self-righteousness mingled with satisfaction.
"That's why you didn't come back that morning," she said, "why you didn't hex him or call the Order. You wanted to drag it out, didn't you? Really make him suffer."
"You're my wife, Lily, or have you forgotten? He had no right to take what's mine."
"You don't own me, James!" she shouted. "I would've never married you in the first place if I'd known…"
This conversation was getting them nowhere. Lily realized that, burying her head in her hands as she struggled to collect her thoughts. Finally, she took a deep breath, lifting her eyes to his.
"How did you know I was with him?"
"Haven't we been through this already? I sent Peter…"
"No, after the battle. Did you just assume, or…"
"Tracking charm."
"Tracking charm?" Her eyes widened. "What tracking charm?"
"Spinner's End," he said, retrieving a scrap of parchment from his pocket. "Cokeworth. Seems the house was originally purchased by someone named Tobias Snape. Ring any bells?"
He knew where Severus lived. Dear god…
"James, please. He's not who you think he is."
"So he's not a Death Eater?"
"He… he doesn't want to be. Not anymore."
"That's what he told you? I can't believe he tricked you into…"
"He's not the one who tricked me," she snapped. "You did! How dare you treat me like this, acting like I'm the one who's done something wrong when you…"
"He's a bloody Death Eater!"
"He's a better man than you'll ever be!"
For a second, she thought James was going to hit her. Instead, he snatched the bottle off the table, downing the last bit of Firewhiskey.
"This has to stop. You and Snivellus, whatever madness this is… it has to stop."
She hesitated, taking a deep breath. "I don't want it to stop."
"You're married to me!"
"Fine," she said. "Let's get an annulment then."
"No."
"Why not? You don't love me. I sure as hell don't love you either, so…"
"I don't want a bloody annulment."
"Okay," she said, hating the desperation in her voice. "We'll stay married if that's what you want, but can't we stop lying to ourselves? Let's face it – we both want to be with other people."
"So?"
"So why can't we work out an arrangement? You and Sirius, me and…"
"Risk everyone finding out that I'm being cuckolded by Severus Snape?! No fucking way."
"We'll be discreet. We can…"
"You can end it. That's the only option I'll accept."
"And if I refuse?"
"If you refuse," James said, "I'll give his address to the Order. I'm sure they'd love to capture a known Death Eater, especially when he's alone and vulnerable."
She shook her head. "They don't know for sure…"
"No, but they will. Assuming he was stupid enough to take the Dark Mark, that's all the proof they'll need."
Lily stared at him in silence, chills skittering up her spine. If she ended her relationship with Severus, would that really be enough to keep him safe? She wanted to think so, yet she couldn't help remembering those last few years at Hogwarts.
"Leave him alone. What's he done to you?"
"Well, it's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean…"
It didn't matter that James had driven her and Severus apart, nor that he'd gotten everything he'd wanted. He'd never stopped torturing him, all while pretending he'd outgrown such vicious behavior.
This time would be no different. Deep down, Lily knew that, her eyes filling with tears as she looked at her husband.
"James," she whispered. "Why do you have to be so cruel?"
"Protecting my wife from a Death Eater? If that's cruel…"
"This has nothing to do with protecting me. You're hurting me! Why, James? Why can't you just leave him alone?"
"Because he's evil. You can't see that, but I can."
"Fine," she said, her voice catching on a sob. "What do I have to do?"
"Break it off. Never see him again."
"Yes, but what do I have to do to keep him safe?"
James shrugged. "Break it off and I'll leave him alone."
"I don't believe you."
"Why not?"
"Because you're a bloody liar!" she shouted. "You promised to leave him alone before and what did you do? You attacked him in the forest. You stripped his clothes off and left him petrified in the hallway! Now you expect me to believe you'll just let this go? Please."
"I swear I won't…"
"No," she said. "I don't want to hear it. What I want is a guarantee."
"What are you suggesting?"
"Unbreakable Vow."
To her surprise, he didn't shrink from the idea. Instead, he fell silent, his expression thoughtful as he twirled his wand between his fingers.
"If I agree to this," he said a few minutes later, "you'll have all the power. What's to stop you from shagging him anytime you want?"
"Unlike you, I know how to keep a promise. If you stay away from him, I will, too."
He shook his head. "Not good enough."
Lily knew there was one way out of this situation, the only way she could hope to guarantee Severus's safety. Just the thought of it was enough to break her heart, but what choice did she have? She loved him too much to subject him to James's hatred, even if that meant giving him up.
"All right," she said quietly. "I'll take the Vow."
"Really?"
"Yes."
He nodded. "I'll send an owl to Sirius."
"Does he…" She trailed off, shaking her head. "Of course he knows. Anyone else?"
"Just Peter. He's been sworn to secrecy."
"I'm not worried about Peter, but Sirius… he'll have to take the Vow, too."
"He might not want to do that."
"Convince him," she said. "Otherwise, I won't go through with it."
Lily sat at the kitchen table, her hands shaking as she reached for quill and parchment. James had agreed to let her write a goodbye letter, probably because he knew how much it would hurt Severus to receive it.
Of course, that was also why he'd chosen to take the Unbreakable Vow. The chance to permanently destroy their relationship, depriving Severus of the only person he truly loved? James couldn't pass on an opportunity like that, even if it meant making a few sacrifices of his own. Whatever it took to win, to prove that…
Honestly, Lily didn't know what he was trying to prove. She couldn't bring herself to care either, her heart aching as she dipped her quill in the inkpot.
Dear Severus…
"Be careful what you say. He needs to believe this is your choice."
"I know."
It took more than an hour to finish, and even then, she wasn't happy with what she'd written. Nonetheless, she handed it to James, watching him nod in approval as he scanned the contents.
"Right," he said. "Let's go ahead and send it."
"This is wrong," she whispered, tears blurring her vision. "James, please…"
"It'll be all right, Lils," Sirius said as he joined them at the table. "I know it's hard to see that, but whatever potion he gave you, whatever spell he cast… it'll wear off. In the meantime, we're just trying to keep you safe."
"I don't need you to keep me safe! What I need is…"
She didn't bother to finish. What was the point? Neither of them gave a damn what she thought or felt or believed. They never had, both equally convinced that Severus was evil while they were brave and righteous and good. That level of arrogance left no room for compassion, no consideration for any viewpoint that differed from theirs.
Their arrogance was painful, yes, but it was also dangerous. She had to make sure Severus was protected, even if that meant…
"Ready?" James said.
"Yes."
He clasped her arm, his eyes fixed on hers as Sirius lifted his wand.
"Will you, James Potter, promise to inflict no injury on Severus Snape?"
"I will."
She held her breath, watching as the fiery ribbon wound its way around their arms.
"Will you swear that you will not encourage anyone else to harm him?"
"I will."
A second streak of light shot from the tip of Sirius's wand, joining the first.
"And will you vow to keep any personal information about him to yourself, revealing nothing that might place him in danger?"
James hesitated, letting out a heavy sigh.
"I will."
The third rope of flame glowed so bright it was almost blinding, entwining around their wrists. Gradually, the light faded, a sense of completion hovering in the air as Sirius lowered his wand.
"Your turn."
"Actually," she said. "I've changed my mind."
"What?!"
"You heard me."
"But… you swore you'd do it! It was supposed to be me then you, then…"
"Me," Sirius finished for him. "I'm not taking the vow until you do."
"Oh no," she said. "I'll take the Vow. But it won't be permanent."
James sputtered, his face turning an unflattering shade of red. "You agreed…"
"Either it expires after a reasonable length of time, or I won't do it. It's not like I have to worry about you hurting him."
"Sirius can still…"
Lily shrugged. "I'm not worried about him either."
Sirius narrowed his eyes. "If you think I won't…"
"No," she said, "I don't think you will. You want to know why? Because I can get to Severus a hell of a lot faster than you can."
"What are you saying?"
"You might have his address, but I can reach him at a moment's notice no matter where he is. If I have the vaguest inkling, even the slightest hint that you're planning to hurt him, I'll call him down on James. And what will happen then? If James is alone, unable to defend himself without breaking his Vow…"
"You wouldn't," James whispered.
"Oh, I would. I'll do whatever it takes to keep Severus safe."
"You'd betray your husband for the sake of a Death Eater?" Sirius shook his head.
"I'd choose a man who loves me over one who doesn't, if that's what you're asking. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Agree to my terms and you'll never have to worry about me betraying anyone."
"Fine," James snapped. "10 years."
"One year."
He shook his head. "No bloody way."
"Two years."
"Five," he shot back.
"Three," she replied. "I'm not going any higher than that."
"Three years?" Sirius said. "I doubt he'll survive that long. Even if he does, he'll probably wind up in Azkaban."
"Yeah, you're probably right." James sighed, reaching down to grip Lily's arm. "Okay, let's get this over with."
Swallowing past her tears, Lily watched the first band of light spring from the tip of James's wand. Painful though it was, she knew she was doing the right thing, sacrificing her present for the hope of a better future. Once Sirius took his Vow, neither he or James would ever be able to hurt Severus again. That was worth three years, wasn't it?
Of course it was.
In three years, the war would surely be over. Not only that, but her Vow could easily tip the odds in Severus's favor. Two of the Order's best fighters would be unable to attack him. They couldn't expose his whereabouts or reveal any information that might place him in danger. The Vow might also keep him out of Azkaban… after all, neither James or Sirius would be able to contradict her if she spoke in his defense.
After that? Well, who knew what would happen? Didn't matter, really, as long as she and Severus were free.
"Ready?"
Sirius nodded as she took his arm, both of them waiting for James to lift his wand.
"Will you, Sirius Black, promise to inflict no injury on Severus Snape?"
He agreed to the vows without protest, a trio of fiery ribbons locking tight around their wrists. Lily watched them fade, feeling as if a great weight had been lifted off her shoulders. He really was powerless now, just as James was, the two of them seeming much more benign as they left the room.
As for her own vows…
"Will you, Lily Evans Potter, promise not to contact Severus Snape for the next three years?"
"I will."
"And will you vow not to respond to any messages from him until three years have passed?"
"I will."
"And will you swear that you'll make no attempt to see him?"
James had tried to trap her with that last one, but she'd caught it just in time. Shaking her head, she'd waited for him to add the caveat.
"Will you swear that you'll make no attempt to see him for the next three years?"
"I will."
Dear Severus,
I have to stop seeing you. I'm sorry to put it so bluntly, but I know this is the right thing to do.
We've both been fooling ourselves. I realize that now. We can't pretend that the last few years never happened, that we're not bound to the paths we've chosen.
I'm sorry, Severus. I never meant to mislead you. I don't want to mislead you in the future either, which is why I have to let you go. I have to do what is right, what's necessary, which means I can't keep betraying my marriage vows. I don't know what will happen in the long run, but for now, I must honor my commitment to James.
I won't ask you to wish me luck. That wouldn't be fair. I can only ask your forgiveness, though I know I have no right to expect it.
Sincerely,
Lily Evans Potter
Dropping the letter, Severus buried his face in his hands. He stayed that way for several minutes, struggling to process what he'd just read.
I have to stop seeing you.
Was he surprised that she'd been having doubts about their relationship? No, not really. The secrecy, the danger, all the complications… he would've understood if she'd said she wanted to slow down or be more careful, or…
But to say that she didn't want to see him at all, claiming that she wanted to work on her marriage instead? That part rang hollow. He'd heard the contempt in her voice when she'd spoken of Potter, had seen the relief in her eyes when she'd talked about leaving him.
What had changed?
Shaking his head, Severus retrieved the letter from the floor. The second readthrough was equally painful, though several things stood out to him. Bound to the paths they'd chosen? Doing what was right? That didn't sound like she was madly in love with Potter. No, it was far more likely that she'd had a crisis of conscience. And why not? She'd made a commitment, after all, something she'd always taken quite seriously.
The more he thought about it, the more this theory made sense. He'd never known Lily to go back on her word unless she felt she had no other choice. Was this really so different? If she felt she owed it to Potter to give it one last try… well, she wouldn't feel right about herself until she'd done so.
Glancing at the letter one more time, Severus picked up on something that made him feel infinitely better.
I don't know what will happen in the long run, but for now…
Deep down, she knew it was a lost cause. She might not have said so, but it wasn't difficult to read between the lines. She wasn't ending their relationship. No, she was asking him to put it on hold, giving her the space she needed to close the door on her previous commitment.
Was that so unreasonable? If he could just be patient…
Summoning his wand, Severus twirled it in a familiar motion.
"Expecto Patronum!"
"If you need me," the doe said as it appeared in Lily's room, "you know where to find me. Otherwise, I will respect your wishes."
