HUMANITY! FUCK YEAH! (What a hypocritical name).

POV is now first person.


Avatar Aang

Air Temple Island

UNSC Military Calendar 2583

As the filthy xenos reporters crowded around me outside the Council Presidium, I could only scoff at the infestation. These lowlifes dared to IMAGINE that they could even match the greatness of humanity, the accidental inheritors of the Mantle?! I would teach them… I, Thomas Lasky, would DISCIPLINE them.

"YOU WANT A FUCKING REPLY! WELL, I GOT ONE FOR YOU! WE ARE HUMANITY, THE RIGHTFUL HOLDER OF THE MANTLE, THE GALAXY, AND ALL OF YOUR MISERABLE SOULS. WE WILL BUTTFUCK EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR SPECIES, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR DAMNED COUNCILORS UNTIL YOU ASK FOR DEATH! NO ONE, AND I MEAN NO ONE WRECKS MY INFINITY AND GETS AWAY WITH IT! YOU HERE ME?! NO O… thunk"

As Captain Lasky fell to the ground, the last thing he heard Cortana say was, "You fucking idiot!"

"Ouch!"

"Aang! Are you okay? You had another one of your… episodes."

"Episodes? They're already animating 'The Rift"? … Oh, yeah. I'm fine Katara. They're probably just over-active figments of my avatar spirit. And why are you wearing… oooh.. ahh…"

And 18 years later, Tenzin would be… erm… brought by Storks… no, Uncle Iroh. Yeah, that sounds just about right.

(The rest is… up to your imagination. I know from tumblr that Avatar fans won't disappoint.)


Avatar Korra

Air Temple Island

UNSC Military Calendar 2658

As I got off of the cold, wood floor, I could see my friends starting to stir…

"Wow. I just had a really awesome dream that Vaatu came back in some alien dude."

Korra said, "Umm….. Asami, that wasn't a dream. You should really stop attending those esoteric church sessions…"

Asami replied, "Fuck you, drunk whore. I can practice whatever belief I want."

Gasping, Korra replied, "What? I'M THE FUCKING AVATAR!"

Ignoring them, Mako said, "You okay Bo'?"

Bolin replied, "Yeah… just a bit sore. Wait a minute, where did the alien and his creepy pal go?"


Commander Shepard

Ancient Terra, Asia, Dark Age of Technology

UNSC Military Calendar #$! UNAVAILABLE&%*(... Estimating… extrapolating drake equation… Estimation: 25000 AD

"Damn, I have the bad headache…."

Looking to his left, he saw Garrus moaning and slowly coming-to. As Shepard righted himself, he heard dark whispers.

"Shepard. In order to enlighten you, I have brought us to this alternate dimension. A lesson of necessary evil is no longer optional."

"Vaatu, show yourself! And," Shepard pointed both of his middle fingers to the sky, "Fuck you, fanfic author! Why the hell do you have to throw me into an alternate dimension?! Running out of creepy jokes already?!"

Not waiting for a reply, he continued, "What kind of task, you mind-controlling freak. I still remember that whole episode on super-earth…"

Vaatu howled in laughter, "You lack the conviction to carry out pruning. Like an overly-sympathetic gardener, you refuse to sacrifice the few for the good of the many."

Garrus stumble up, mouth agape in stupid emptiness, "Wha… what happened. I only remember getting into the teleporter, then… I… don't remember anything."

Ignoring him, Vaatu droned on, mentally projecting his speech solely at Shepard, "You wish to return to your precious Normandy, no? All you must do is follow my suggestions. Good luck."

Looking towards the star-scraping metropolis on the horizon, he told Garrus, "Well, here goes nothing…"


Shepard's path will fold back into the Avatar universe. Anyone want some Azaria Shepard?!