A/N: Sorry, slow update... like I mentioned last chapter, completely ran dry of idea's... Fortunetely, I didn't even begin to touch on what I wanted to in this chapter, which means I have that for next chapter. Yay! Enjoy.

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Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds... Maybe for christmas?
Dedicated to the writers: Well, hopefully that's another step in the right direction.

Chapter 9: Ecstasy And Rapture

Reid exited his bedroom, rubbing his eyes sleepily. He hadn't slept at all, just lay there for hours, but he figured he should at least make it look like he had. He was wearing his robe again, though the two tiny phials were tucked safely in the box under his bed, and the dirty facecloth had been thrown into the laundry hamper. Reid looked up through the opening in the wall into the kitchen.

Gideon smiled at him, "I was just about to call you, dinner's ready."

"I know." Reid mumbled. Gideon gave him a look, and Reid shook his head, "I heard you taking, just after I woke up."

Gideon nodded, "Alright, well have a seat and Ill bring you your plate."

Reid nodded, "What did you make?"

From behind Gideon, Morgan, who was sitting on the counter, felt the need to answer, "Spanish Rice. I haven't had any since my mom used to make it back home. Looking forward to this; let's eat, already."

Reid looked at him and frowned. "Get off the counter." his tone was slightly cold, so he added, "Please." to take away the edge.

Morgan hopped down instantly, "Sorry, Kid."

Reid didn't think he looked sorry, but decided to ignore it. He strode over to his chair and sat down, curling his legs up under him as had become his recent custom. He could smell the food, but he didn't feel like eating anything. He wasn't sure if it was guilt or just a lack of appetite in general. Gideon brought over a plate of white rice, topped with a ground beef sauce, complete with onions, corn, and a multitude of spices. Reid took it with a quiet, "Thank you." and Gideon handed him a fork before dishing up a plate for both himself and Morgan.

They took their seats on the couch and ate with only the occasional comment between them. Reid pushed his fork around on his plate with a sigh, mixing together the rice with the sauce, but hardly ate anything. Gideon and Morgan finished their plates at roughly the same time, while Reid's was still almost full.

Morgan grinned, "That was great. Different from how mom used to make it, but just as good."

"Thank you, Derek. I'm glad you enjoyed it." Gideon said with a small smile. They both turned to Reid, who was staring at a spot on the wall, one hand under his chin, and the other steadying the plate on his lap. Gideon frowned, "Spencer, you've hardly touched your food. Something wrong?"

Reid shook his head, "The food is fine, I'm just not hungry. Not feeling well, or something."

Morgan looked concerned, but it was Gideon who spoke, "Another episode coming on?"

"No, it's not that." he said, knowing immediately afterwards he should have said yes. He was probably due to have another, and he knew he wasn't going to. He wasn't sure how much longer he could put it off before he'd have to fake one. "Well, maybe it is. I don't know." he changed his story slightly, hoping it seemed natural. "I don't exactly have too much experience in the area of withdrawals; not sure if I can tell when one's coming."

Gideon glanced at Morgan, but nodded understandingly. It seemed unlikely that one wouldn't be able to tell. "Well, you've already had two today, perhaps that's all you'll get. I'd imagine they'll become more frequent on the days that it peaks." Gideon offered a suggestion, though he wasn't sure why he was helping Reid cover his tracks.

Reid sighed, "Yeah, you're probably right." He forced a weak smile for the other two men, which neither of them returned. "W-what?" he was suddenly nervous.

"Reid," Morgan look deathly serious, "you would tell us if you had any more Dilaudid left, right? Because you want to quit, correct? So, you would tell us, so we could get rid of it for you, yes?"

Reid set his plate down on the table and shrunk back into his chair. "Why would you think that I wouldn't?" he asked.

"Don't answer me with a question, Reid. Answer me properly." Morgan's voice was firm, but in no way devoid of feeling. In fact, he couldn't hide the worry that laced each syllable.

"O-of course I would, Morgan." He lifted up his robe sleeve and looked at the marks on the inside of his slender arm, "I don't want this." He felt sick to his stomach again, just at the sight. It was true he had wanted to quit, or else he'd never have reached out to Gideon in the first place, but now he wasn't so sure. The pain in his shoulder was going to start coming back, so maybe he could just keep taking it until that was healed. At least he'd be using it for its intended reasons.

He was still staring at the marks on his arm, so he hadn't noticed Morgan get up from the couch and crouch down next to him, on his right side. It wasn't until Morgan gently took hold of Reid's wrist that Reid snapped out of his slight daze. He pulled back, but Morgan just tightened his grip, so Reid pushed his robe sleeve down again, and held it there. "Don't. Please, don't." he begged. "They were never something I'd ever intended you to see."

"But he has seen them, Spencer," Gideon said softly. Reid looked up from Morgan to see Gideon standing directly behind him, looking down on them both. "He's seen them, so what difference does it make?"

Reid closed his eyes and shook his head fitfully, almost like a child, "No, please." He opened his eyes and looked at Morgan again, "I don't want you to have that image of me in your head. To see the filth and grime I've let myself become."

Morgan forced down the words that had bubbled up inside him, that it was already too late for that, and shook his head, "Don't talk like that, Kid. You only become filth and grime if you stop fighting. Those marks will heal in time, and so will your shoulder, and your soul, and your mind."

"There's nothing wrong with my mind, Morgan." Reid stated, unpleased with that statement.

"Obviously there is, but that's not the point. I just want to help you, Reid. We both do. I just want to see the damage, mark your progress or something. Don't shy away from me now." Morgan was still trying to be firm, but the fact that Reid was resisting them only heightened his concern.

Reid closed his eyes with an almost whimpering sound, and looked away, releasing his grip on his sleeve. Morgan glanced up at Gideon, who nodded, and then back at Reid's covered arm. He slid the sleeve up and grimaced at the sight. Not only were there a handful of track marks, but the skin looked red and irritated. Morgan silently pointed out a couple to Gideon who closed his eyes with a sigh, trying to stay strong. "Reid," Morgan whispered, "why are some of these fresh? When was the last time you," he choked on the words, "shot up."

"I-I-I…" a pause, no reply. Morgan sighed and was about to speak before Reid finally said something, "I-I-I w-was picked at them earlier. Probably broke a few open."

Morgan nodded, "And the last time you did it?"

"Y-yesterday, around noon. Maybe before, I don't really remember." Reid admitted, knowing they could easily put together where he was at that time.

And they did, "While you were trapped with the other hostages?" Morgan asked, though it wasn't a question that needed an answer, Reid nodded anyway.

Gideon sighed, "The doctor said the morphine interaction could have only happened within the last 6 hours. That should have been enough of a clue."

Morgan closed his eyes, to keep Reid from seeing the fury that was building up behind them, even though Reid's face was still turned away. "You were supposed to be protecting them, and instead you doped yourself up. Why? Faced with such a hard situation you turn to drugs to help you escape, rather than forming a plan?"

"It wasn't like that, Derek!" Reid snapped, whipping his head back to face him. "I couldn't think straight, my head felt like it was about to explode. I did what I had to do, so that I could think well enough to get those people out. I was starting to go through withdrawals; I'd have been completely useless to them if I hadn't." He looked up at Gideon and Morgan followed his gaze.

Gideon nodded, "It's true, he wouldn't have done them any good unless he had a stable head on his shoulders."

"Thank you." Reid replied looking satisfied.

"I'm not finished, Spencer." Gideon stepped between Morgan and the table to the front of Reid's chair. He bent down, once more brushing the hair off Reid's face. "Even given the circumstances, I'd have rather you rode the episode out, than immediately turn back to the drugs. You'd have been just as level headed if you'd pushed through it."

Reid looked down at his lap, bowing his head, "You're disappointed in me. You think I made the wrong choice, but you weren't there with me. I couldn't have gotten through a full blown episode without you. I barely made it through the one today, and you were there."

"The two today, Reid." Morgan corrected.

"What?" Reid looked up and seemed confused for a second, and he tilted his head looking at Morgan.

"You had two episodes today, one with Gideon and one that you got through fine without him."

"Oh, right." Reid looked down again, "The two today. See my brain's all fuzzy and clouded, I can't think straight." He pulled his arm away from Morgan and clasped his hands together, holding them tightly on his lap as his palms started to sweat.

Gideon reached down and placed his left hand on Reid's right shoulder, and his right hand under Reid's chin. "Look at me, please, Spencer." and he gently lifted Reid's head up. They gazed into each other's eyes while Gideon moved his hand to cup Reid's cheek. Gideon sighed, "Don't ever lie to me again."

"I haven't lied." Reid insisted as his voice cracked, and his eyes became slightly wetter.

"Swear to me you haven't." Gideon almost sounded like he was pleading, like this was something he had to hear to save his own life.

"I s-s-swear." Reid said, trying to keep eye contact through the lie. He was successful, but Gideon still didn't look convinced.

"Tell me that quitting is something you actually want to do. If it's not this is going to be an impossible road, no matter how much I help you, you can't do it unless you want to, and you commit to it." Gideon took his hand off Reid's face and placed it on his other shoulder, holding him firmly. "Tell me."

Reid hissed in air and tried to pull back, but the chair stopped him, as pain coursed through his shoulder. "Watch it!" he said the words through the intake of air. The pain dulled to a throb as Gideon removed his hands, apologetically.

"Sorry, Spencer. I wasn't paying attention." he looked down at his hand, realising his thumb had been directly over the wound.

Reid wasn't paying attention; he was fighting an internal panic that had sprung up. Pain, the pain was coming back. He hadn't really noticed, when he'd been using the drug with no pain for it to cure, how much it really did wear off after a quarter of a day. At least it was only throbbing, he could deal with throbbing so long as it wasn't accompanied by shooting pains. However, he had no doubt those would join his ailments before the day was done.

He leaned his head back and hugged himself, gazing at the ceiling and nibbling his lower lip. He thought about taking another dose to stop the pain before it started. That was what the doctors say to do; take at first sign of symptoms. He thought of the phials tucked safely under his bed, and the note in the drawer next to the bed. He thought of his dealer sending him those very things, and released a short burst of air from his nose, 'Yes, thank you.' he thought, 'You knew exactly what I'd need.'

He wished he could just hold the phials right now, he didn't need to take any, he just wanted to grasp them and keep them close. Even though he knew he didn't need to take any he still thought about it. He thought about the pressure and slight pinch as the needle broke the skin. He thought of how, when he paid close attention, he could feel the liquid enter his vein. He was then reminded of the lightness, and euphoria it brought. How it made everything go away; made him numb. He could practically feel how it made him melt inside, and he closed his eyes, smiling to himself. Oh, how he wanted to experience that again, right now. He almost didn't care if he was caught, so long as he wasn't stopped. His eyelid's fluttered and he bit down on his lip to hold in any sound he might make.

A snapping sound brought him from his stupor, and he opened his eyes. He blinked a few times at Morgan's snapping fingers in front of him, accompanied by a concerned look and Morgan's voice, "Hey, Reid! Reid? There you are. Hell, don't do that. Nearly gave me a heart attack."

"S-sorry, I was just in my own little world."

"Oh?" Morgan inquired, "Where'd you go?"

Reid shrugged, "I was just thinking. It was nothing."

"Obviously it was something. You looked…" he couldn't even think of words to describe the look that had been on Reid's face. It had been a mixture of many different content and exhilarated expressions.

"It's not important." he sighed deeply. "Sorry I worried you, there." He looked over at Gideon who was wearing a blank expression. 'Does he know what I was thinking? Does he know how much I love the… no, lust for the drug? That's what it is; pure, unadulterated, lust.'

Gideon turned from him and made his way back over to the couch. Eventually, Morgan followed suit; neither of them forgiving him for their worry. Reid counted the seconds on the ticking clock, and chewed his lower lip again, while nervously fiddling with his hands.