Chapter 9: Christmas Eve, Part III

Just a reminder of the cameos: Harold is played by Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, and Ron is played by Vin Diesel.

So far, Kevin set all the traps in the house, as mentioned in the previous chapter. Marv went to the outside basement stairs. As Marv started climbing down the stairs, he slipped all the way to the basement door, because Kevin poured cold water all over the stairs, which would freeze and make the stairs icy and slippery.

As Harry started climbing the stairs to the front door of the house, he slipped on them and fell on his back. A minute later, Marv got up, and spread his legs between the stair walls to avoid slipping again. Marv opened the basement door, and went inside the basement. As Marv pulled the string to the light bulb to turn on the light, it became loose and made a strange sound. The sound came from an iron falling down the chute. As Marv looked up to the chute, the iron fell out and hit Marv on the head.

On the front side of the house, Harry was using the railing to climb the stairs to the front door. As he made it to the front door, he put his left hand on the front knob, which was heated by a barbequer. Then, Harry got his hand burned by the knob. Harry fell down the stairs, and put his burning hand into the snow to cool it down. Kevin shouted, "Yeah! In your face, motherfucker!"

Recovering from being smashed in the face by the iron, Marv got up and attempted to climb the stairs, which were covered by tar, to the first floor door. As Marv climbed up the stairs, he end up losing his shoes and socks, and they got stuck to the sticky, tarred stairs. As Marv put his right bare foot on a nail, which was attached to the sticky step, Marv screamed and fell on his back. He shouted, "Ow! Goddamn fucking nail!"

Harry walked from the front side of the house to the back door. As Harry touched the knob of the back door, he was relieved that the knob was not tampered. When Harry opened the door, he got his head burned by the blowtorch, which was attached to the door. As Harry got his head on fire, he screamed and ran a few feet away, and he dunked his head into the snow to cool it down.

"I'm gonna get that fucking kid, if this is the last fucking thing I do!" shouted Harry.

Marv got out of the basement, and walked barefoot to one of the other sides of the house. As Marv stepped into the window, he made it inside the house. When Marv took one step, he accidentally stepped on a Christmas ornament his right bare foot, and fell down on his ass.

"I'm gonna kill that son of a bitch!" shouted Marv as he was rubbing his hurt foot, "There will be hell for that kid to pay!"

Harry got off the ground, and walked to the back door. Harry kicked the back door open, making the blowtorch fall down. As Harry went inside the house and slammed the door behind him, he shouted, "Where the fuck are you, ya little shit?"

Harry went to the dining room door, and knocked hard on it.

"I'm really fucking scared to shit," sarcastically said Kevin.

"It's too fucking late for that, kid," shouted Harry, "Wait til I shove my foot up your ass!"

"Come and get me, butt-wipe!" demanded Kevin.

Harry kicked open the dining room door, went inside, and got glue on his face, which was from the plastic wrap stretched from the wall. Harry got the tampered plastic wrap out of his face. Then, Harry accidentally stepped on a yarn string, which was attached to a fan with a pile of pillow feathers. The fan turned on, and blew the feathers all over Harry, making him look like he's dressed up like a chicken. Harry met with Marv in the dining room, and they looked at each other disgustedly.

"Why the fuck did you take your shoes off?" asked Harry.

"Why the fuck are you dressed up like a chicken?" asked Marv.

"Hey guys," shouted Kevin in the middle of the house stairs, "Get your asses over here!"

As Marv and Harry attempted to get to the stairs, they slipped on the Micro Machines on the wooden floor.

"You guys had enough shit beaten outta you?" Kevin asked the bad guys, "Or do you wanna fuck with me some more?'

"I'll tell you when we had enough bullshit, you fucking little brat!" shouted Harry.

As Marv and Harry started climbing the stairs, Kevin brought down a paint can attached to a string, and let it swing. Harry shouted, "Heads up!", and Marv got hit on the head with the paint can. Then, Kevin hit Harry on the head with the second paint can. After Harry landed on top of Marv, Harry noticed that he lost his gold tooth.

Kevin ran to his parents' room to call the cops on the bad guys. He pretended to be Mitch Murphy, and pretended that the bad guys were at Mitch's house.

Marv and Harry got off the ground and climbed the stairs to chase after Kevin.

"We're gonna fucking kill you, kid!" shouted Marv.

"We'll cut your fucking testicles off, and make you wear them as earrings!" shouted Harry.

As Kevin ran to the attic stairs, Marv and Harry tripped over a piano wire, which was attached between a wall and a stair rail bar.

"Actually, we'll just let him go to the attic for a minute," said Harry, "I'm pretty sure we'll get him cornered easily that way."

Marv and Harry went to Buzz's room, attached a time bomb to the bedroom wall, and turned it on for a couple of hours.

"If we can't steal any shit from this house," said Harry, "I guess we'll destroy part of the house. But that kid will be dead soon."

Meanwhile, Kevin slid down the rope from the attic to a tree-house, with a pair of bike handles. Marv and Harry went to the attic, and noticed that Kevin disappeared.

"Where the fuck did that kid?" said Harry.

"Over here, you law-breaking shitheads!" shouted Kevin, "Come and get me before I call the cops!"

Marv and Harry put their hands on the rope to climb to the tree-house, and Kevin showed a limp lopper in front of the bad guys.

"Merry fucking Christmas, guys," said Kevin, "and a Happy fucking New year in Hell!"

Then, Kevin cut the rope with the limp lopper, and the bad guys screamed and swung to the brick wall. Then, they fell down to the ground.

"I'm calling the cops, you sons of bitches!" shouted Kevin.

Kevin ran to Mitch Murphy's house, and went inside the basement. As Kevin ran to the kitchen door, he opened the door, and got shocked to see the bad guys appear.

"Hi ya pal," said Harry, "Get over here!"

Harry closed the door, and hung Kevin by the shirt on the door.

"Looks like we outsmarted the shit outta ya," said Harry.

"So what the fuck are we gonna do to him, Harry?" yelled Marv, in front of Kevin's face

When Harold the bounty hunter went into the house with a shotgun in his hands, Harry answered to Marv, "Exactly what he did to us. Burn his fucking head with a blowtorch."

"And smash his fucking face with an iron!" yelled Marv.

"And hit him in the fucking face with a paint can!" said Harry.

"And shove a fucking nail through his foot!" yelled Marv.

Harry got out his machete, and said, "The first thing I'm gonna do is cut his arms and legs off a machete. One at a time."

As Harry attempted to cut one of Kevin's arms off, Harold pointed his shotgun at Harry's head and demanded, "Freeze! Put down your weapon!"

Harry dropped his machete on the ground.

"Now, the both of you, get on the fucking ground or I'll blow your fucking heads off," demanded Harold.

Marv and Harry got on the ground, and Harold handcuffed them.

"Are you ok, kid?" Harold asked Kevin.

"I'm okay, sir," answered Kevin.

Harold took Kevin off the door, and put him safely to the ground. Ron came into the house, and noticed the kid being saved and the bad guys arrested.

"Are you Kevin McCallister?" Ron asked Kevin.

"Yes, sir," answered Kevin.

"We're gonna put you on the news, so that your family knows you're alive," said Ron.

Kevin went with the bounty hunters outside, with Marv and Harry who were handcuffed. The eye witness news reporter aired the capture on TV.

At the airport hotel suite, the McCallisters were watching the special news report of the fugitives, who got arrested.

"And so, Kevin has been found to be alive, and he has captured those fugitives," said the reporter.

"Kevin!" shouted Kate, "Thank God! You're alive."

"We've been looking for you guys for a long time," Ron said to the Marv and Harry.

"We don't give a shit," said Marv, "So don't forget us, because we're the motherfucking Wet Bandits."

"Shut the fuck up, Marv!" shouted Harry, as he kicked Marv in the shin.

"Both of you shut the fuck up and get your asses in the paddy wagon," shouted Harold.

"So how does it feel to be alive and kicking as a hero?" the reporter asked Kevin.

"I'm very lucky to be alive," answered Kevin, "But what I want the most is for my family to come back home in time for Christmas."

"No problem," said the reporter, "The FBI agents, Schreck and Weine, will guide your family's way back to your house."

The McCallisters started packing their bags. As Schreck and Weine came into the suite, they have decided to safely lead them out of the hotel, and give them a ride back home to Kevin.

No death so far, but it may happen in the next chapter. Are Marv and Harry gonna be thrown in jail, before they try to escape? Will the McCallisters make Death disappear before Christmas? Stay tuned for the next chapter of "Home Alone: The Final Destination."