ONE WEEK, FOUR HOURS AGO
Jane was driving Maura back to her house twenty minutes later. Having never been to her house before, Jane was relying heavily on Maura's direction despite wishing she didn't have to speak to her at all. Jane was hurt and she didn't know why. Her chest constricted at an idea that was dawning on her slowly – she would never see Maura again. They would never cross paths. Why would they? Jane was a detective. Unless she was at the Robber, she didn't get out much. She still didn't even know what Maura did for a living. For all Jane knew, she could be from the next town over. The idea of never seeing her blonde again made her want to stop the car immediately, turn around, and carry her possessively back to her apartment. But knowing that she was the one that would deliver Maura back to her own life and away from her made Jane unable to breathe. She tensed her hands against the wheel.
"Just here, Jane." Maura's voice was distant and resigned. Jane pulled into Maura's driveway. Momentarily, Jane swooned at the size of Maura's home, complete with guesthouse. Suddenly, Jane realized she didn't know anything about the blonde sitting next to her. She didn't know a single thing about the woman that was breaking her heart. Jane sat back against the driver's seat, refusing to turn the ignition off. She didn't look at Maura. Not at first. Not until it was clear that Maura wasn't getting out of the car.
"Jane…" Maura began. She couldn't finish but it was enough to make Jane look at her. Dark eyes met hazel as they watched each other waiting for the other to beg for this to stop.
"Goodnight, Maura." Jane steeled herself against the pain, resolute in her grave mistake. You shouldn't have fallen for her.
"Goodnight, Jane." Maura's voice was almost a whisper. She pressed the door open, stepping out and onto the pavement without a backward glance.
Jane watched Maura press her door open and close it again behind her before she thought about leaving. Son of a bitch! Her head screamed, pounding a fist on the steering wheel.
Jane pushed her car into gear and pulled onto the street. Before she could stop herself, she was driving back to her apartment, away from the woman that made her laugh uncontrollably, away from the woman she actually felt her whole self around, away from the woman she was developing feelings for, away from Maura.
Jane cried for the first time since she was nine.
PRESENT DAY
"So, which is it?"
"None…neither." Maura hesitated, flustered. After a moment, the blonde sighed in finality. "I don't do this, Jane. I'm not some fling. I have a doctorate, I'm a respected medical examiner. I date CEOs and doctors…"
"And not blue-collar cops," Jane finished for her. The brunette turned to leave. Jane had sized Maura up as blue blood since she had first seen her. As she spent time with her, despite the activities, Jane loosened a little at the idea. She had grown up with a distaste for the blue bloods of Boston. Getting to know Maura had made Jane more forgiving. I thought you were different. Jane's heart fell.
"Women." The word was barely audible. But it made Jane pause.
"I don't date women."
Jane had turned an ear to Maura, considering her next course of action. But the final words dug into Jane's heart like nails. The pain was excruciating. Jane kept walking. Her heels struck across the tile floors of the morgue as she walked away from the blonde. Her blonde.
Maura heard every pounding, frustrated step as Jane left her in the bay alone. Some part of Maura wanted desperately to run after her, to apologize for being cruel, to beg forgiveness, but she was frozen; torn between the logic of her words but the pounding of her heart whenever Jane was near. It doesn't make sense. She thought. I'm straight, but I can't stop thinking about her. I can't stop myself from wanting her. There's no logic to explain my heart palpitations. I've always had a deep mistrust of bisexuality; there is no research to support it either. But Jane is…different. Maura finally found the ability to move about the same time that she remembered to breathe. She hesitantly entered the morgue, trying in earnest to organize and compartmentalize her thoughts.
"Doctor Isles, I need you to go over this tox. screen. The previous medical ex…are you okay?" Maura had just met the junior criminalist earlier that morning. She had assessed the young woman as one that found her passions in science and not much else. She lacked distinct social interaction skills, which explained the shock that registered on her face at the sight of Maura's expression of emotion. Not wanting to explain herself or make the woman uncomfortable, Maura blinked away her confusion and sadness smiling reassuringly to the criminalist.
"Yes, Junior Criminalist Chang. I'm fine. What do you have for me?" Maura was polite, with no trace of sadness – a handy trick she learned in boarding school.
Even as the criminalist droned on, Maura struggled to keep her thoughts focused. Nevertheless, as the thrill of a biological mystery eventually overtook her, the events of the morning sunk into the recesses of her mind.
Jane pounded into the drug unit, slamming the door open, and falling into her seat making it creak under the strain. Her face was tight; she hid nothing. Immediately, she busied herself with the paperwork sitting untouched on the edge of her desk.
"On your period, Rizzoli?"
"Shove it up your ass, Martinez." Jane didn't look up but she seethed, saturated in frustration.
"Jesus, take a Midol."
Jane leapt from her chair causing it to spin haphazardly across the floor in her wake. "You know what?" She began, her voice rising.
"Whoa, hey, whoa!" Detective Mateo stepped in, pushing both Jane and her target away from one another.
"You," he pointed to Detective Martinez. "Don't be a jack ass. And you," he turned to Jane. "Don't let him bait you. Come on guys, we play for the same team." What a poor choice of words. Jane thought. Regardless, Jane found her seat again and continued filing her most recent cases, explaining everything in sharp detail.
By the time Jane looked up from her desk, it was late at night and much later than she had anticipated. Most of the room had cleared out – either on assignment or at home. Jane stretched, lifting her aching, stiff body from behind her desk. As Jane began her silent trek to her apartment, sadness overtook her. It was the same kind of sadness that plagued her a week ago before, the same one she had before her last night with Maura. Everything dulled, light seemed to be filtered by the grief. It was loneliness shadowed by rejection. Jane was angry that she had allowed someone to get so close, she was angry that she had hoped, angry that Maura didn't explain her intentions from the beginning. But mostly, Jane was angry with herself. How could you have let this go so far? The question was on repeat as she worked through the pain. There was no other explanation – Jane had simply let things go too far. It lessened the sting to think that this had all been her fault, that it was her responsibility to keep things light and she had let things get out of hand. It gave her a sort of levity to believe that she was still in control. It somehow made everything easier to swallow than the reality – Maura didn't want Jane.
As Jane sunk deeper into herself, she mindlessly pulled onto her street and parked in the only open space fifty yards from her front door. She turned the ignition off but couldn't bring herself to get out. Not yet. It's still your choice. Jane could feel her walls coming up. She barricaded herself behind the walls that had protected her from getting hurt by men. Now, she boarded them up for a woman. She was beginning to feel stronger with every wall she rebuilt. She closed every avenue that led to the soft place Maura had unexpectedly found. Jane swiped at her nose, steeling herself to enter her apartment. The one with all the memories.
Jane was still gathering her wits about her when she approached the front door…and the figure sitting on the front steps. Jane paused only briefly before proceeding. A blonde woman in her black pencil skirt loitered on the fourth step.
"Come to make me feel worse?"
"Jane, please, I came to apologize." Maura stood to address Jane as she climbed the steps. Jane passed the blonde without a second glance. As the brunette unlocked the front door, Maura stood at her heels waiting. Jane didn't hold the door for her but it didn't stop Maura from walking in behind her. Walking through the lobby, their pumps clacking loudly on the tile, Jane continued knowing without knowing that Maura would follow her.
"What are you apologizing for? You were honest, as always. Don't apologize for that, Maura."
There was silence again as they climbed the flight of stairs to her front door, the one marked '12'. Jane reached the door before the blonde, putting her key into the chamber and turning the mechanism. The door opened with a satisfying click but instead of entering, Jane turned to face Maura instead, holding the door partly open. Cocking her hip, Jane played at uncaring and irritated. She finalized the gesture with a hand on her hip. Maura knew the intention was to intimidate her but she couldn't help thinking of when she last touched Jane's hips, when she pulled her close, when she gripped them possessively. Maura swallowed, recognizing a symptom of arousal – salivation. As Maura recovered, she began to take in more of Jane: her jaw clenching, her hesitant stare, the purse in her lips. It wasn't anger, it was something else. You're nervous, Jane. Maura deflated immediately. She couldn't help but see vulnerable-Jane standing before her – the same Jane that only she saw. And that Jane was trying to be tough.
"I'm sorry. I never meant to…I don't know how…I've never been very good with expressing myself. I have a hard time knowing what to say. I've always been a little awkward." Maura said the word just as awkwardly as was the definition of such a word.
Jane saw a familiar expression pass across Maura's face. She knew what it was as soon as she saw it because she saw it so often she'd recognize it with her eyes closed. But she never thought she'd see it in Maura. Jane saw regret. And it was this that made Jane push open her door completely, allowing the blonde to enter. Maura hesitantly stepped forward and still Jane didn't move. Maura felt pulled to her. Don't reach out. Don't touch her. Maura chanted as she neared. She couldn't keep herself from hesitating in front of the brunette. Maura looked up, meeting Jane's eyes. Only a small distance separated them. Maura thought she could hear Jane's heart racing. Maybe that's just mine. She corrected.
But Maura entered the apartment before she could say or do anything further. Unconsciously wrapping her arms around herself, Maura stepped into the living room, taking in Jane's space.
"Are you cold?" Jane's question was so unexpected that Maura couldn't come up with a response fast enough before Jane had rounded the couch, pulling a blanket from the basket behind it. Once retrieved, Jane guided Maura to the couch, throwing the blanket atop her. Maura immediately brought her feet onto the couch, laying her knees at an angle, instinctively curling into the cushions. Jane busied her hands with unassuming glasses of water.
When she returned, she handed one to Maura. The blonde smiled up at her briefly, mumbling a 'thank you', before returning her stare to inanimate objects in the room. Jane sat carefully on the other end of the couch, tucking herself beneath an edge of the wide blanket. Maura noticed that she ensured sufficient distance between them. Her chest constricted at the thought.
"I think I owe you an explanation." Maura held her glass securely between both hands to keep Jane from seeing them tremble. She hadn't looked up at Jane since she sat down but Jane waited nevertheless.
"When I saw you at the crime scene, I panicked." Maura met her eyes finally.
"Didn't seem like it. Seemed like you wanted to get away as fast as you could." Jane's tone was dismissive.
"Because I didn't know what to say! I don't blend my personal and professional life, Jane. I never have. It gets messy. Like this," Maura gestured between them. "It was easier when we didn't know one another, not really. No one was involved but us." Maura confessed solemnly.
"So, it was okay when we didn't know each other but now that you know who I am and what I do, and I know you, you don't want anything to do with this? With me?"
"I didn't say that,"
"You didn't have to. I read people for a living, Maura." Jane lifted herself from the couch. But before she could step away, Maura reached out, grabbing her wrist.
"Jane, wait," Maura pleaded. She waited for Jane to look at her. She did. "I know you're angry with me. You have every right to be. I didn't..." Maura hesitated, rolling her next words around in her mind and gauging the repercussions. "I didn't explain myself very well and I should have. Especially with you."
Jane paused, considering. Finally, she sat down again. Barely breathing, she waited.
"I should have rephrased. I should have said that I don't know how to be with a woman. With you."
"Why couldn't you tell me that before?" Jane met her eyes again.
"I spend all day at work distracting myself from thinking about you. I stay busy during the day so at night I can be with you without confessing that I've had feelings for you for weeks. And the more time I spend with you, the worse it gets. I ran from you because if you work me, I have no other way of not telling you."
"Maura!" Jane's face fell, all anger dissipated instantly as she whined the woman's name in frustration. She grasped Maura's hand between her own.
"Jane, I'm sorry," Maura withdrew her hand, holding both hands up in a placating gesture. "I know that wasn't the plan. I know we weren't supposed to be together, together but…"
Jane brought herself closer taking Maura's hand again. "Maura, I don't care." She rushed. "I don't care what the rules were, I don't care what we know about each other, or what we don't. I just…I just want you."
"Jane," Maura pleaded. She wanted Jane, oh she wanted Jane terribly, but being with Jane came with repercussions.
"Maura, tell me you didn't just say all of that for me to just let you go."
"No, but we have to talk about this. We have to have rules at work. We have to have rules for crime scenes, and when we…"
"Maura," Jane's exasperated tone was a warning. Maura stopped. They smiled immediately, unable to contain it. "We're going to do this?"
Maura nodded, smiling uncontrollably. She looked away, a wide smile on her lips.
"I want to kiss you right now but..." Jane pressed.
"Kiss me, Jane."
