AN: FUKK ALL U THSI IS THE LAST CHAP BECUZ PPPL KEEP SENDING ME SHIT ABOUT HOW THE STORY IS NOT GOOD AND IT DOT MAKE SENSE IN SOME PARTS WELL FUK U H8ERS I HOPe u like it
CHAPTER 9
The roadblock... Another war... Invasion from the skies... A good day to be alive
Youngster Joey took Lass Jenny by the hand and led her toward the Celadon department store.
When they were nearly to the store's entrance, they noticed a bunch of Ace Trainers standing in a strange formation about the sidewalk. They were spaced several yards apart and all facing one another. They periodically flicked their eyes to Youngster Joey and Lass Jenny, but seemed held rigidly in place by some mysterious rule. It was clear that they intended to battle the fuck out of anyone foolish enough to try enter the store, one at a time, until their victim's Pokémon were completely exhausted. At that point, the group would steal exactly half of the unfortunate trainer's money, carry him or her to the Pokécenter, and leave silently before they were discovered.
Lass Jenny noticed that they were Ace Trainers and squeezed Youngster Joey's arm.
"Don't worry," he whispered to her. "I have a plan to get around these guys."
The Ace Trainers suppressed smiles of sadistic mirth as Youngster Joey and Lass Jenny got closer. They were ready to spring to life and demand battles the second the two kids entered their sidewalk gauntlet and interrupted their lines of sight. But Youngster Joey, made cynical and wise by his months of travel and reckless fruit snack abuse, simply glared at them and walked around their roadblock in a broad arc at just great enough a distance to avoid detection. One of the Ace Trainers yelped unhappily, but he would neither call out to them nor turn to look. They were simply too far away ever to be known—they were as safe from the Ace Trainers' plot as the stars of distant galaxies billions of light years removed from Earth are safe from humanity.
"That was close," said Lass Jenny as they slipped in through the automatic doors.
"Nah," Youngster Joey said. "Those guys were just a bunch of stupid fuck nuggets."
The inside of the department store was overwhelming. Everywhere the two kids looked, there was something new to see. It was as if the World's Fair was unfolding before their very eyes; a group of scientists were performing amusing tricks with Tesla coils and other dangerous electrical equipment, Punk Rockers were playing a death metal remix of the gym leader battle music on a stage in the center of the food court, and visible beyond the escalator were some Hikers getting in a fight with a group of Cue Balls.
"Hey, I think I know those guys!" Youngster Joey said.
"Really?"
"Uh huh. I'm pretty sure it's them, anyway."
He and Lass Jenny wandered over to the progressing fight. A Cue Ball in a leather jacket with a penis bedazzled onto the back was shouting in the face of one of the Hikers and gesticulating wildly with his stubby arms.
"I'm almost unable to accept that people of your sort could still exist," the Cue Ball screamed. "Imbeciles, drifting like helium balloons through only the topmost layers of some of the 20th century's most important works. Reading Catch-22 with no more purpose than a hobo flipping through a mud-smeared Playboy!"
"Get out of my face, you neo-Nazi piece of shit," the Hiker screamed.
"Not until you admit you're wrong," said the Cue Ball.
"You idiot," the Hiker bellowed. "I never said it was a bad book, I just said I personally saw it as primarily a humorous one. Yes, yes," he said, holding up his hands in a weary gesture of warding, "I know all about Snowden in the back of the plane, and Aarfy raping that girl, and McWatt committing suicide after accidentally cutting the kid in half when he buzzed the beach in his plane. But the main fucking theme of the novel is ridiculousness for the sake of ridic—"
The Cue Ball whipped out a switchblade and stabbed the Hiker in the gut.
"Ooof," the Hiker grunted, doubling over and staggering back a few steps. He winced, clutched at the hole in his belly, felt the freshets of blood spurting out through his fingers, groped in his jacket for a Pokéball. "Geodude," he gasped, "I ch-choose you…"
The Geodude erupted from the Pokéball like a warhead and slammed into the Cue Ball's chest, crushing his ribcage and knocking him sprawling into a sunglasses kiosk.
"Maybe we shouldn't talk to them right now though," Youngster Joey said, and ducked with Lass Jenny behind some recycling bins before the Cue Balls could recognize him. "These aren't guys you want to have to testify against."
"Didn't you want to find medicine to cure your bipolar disorder?" Lass Jenny asked.
"Oh yeah!"
They crept away from the battle between the Hikers and the Cue Balls and went up to the third floor, where medicine was sold.
"I miss Officer Jenny," Youngster Joey said.
"I know you do," Lass Jenny replied with as much empathy as she could muster. "But, you know, Joey, someday I'll turn into an Officer Jenny…"
Youngster Joey looked at her. "You will?"
"Whether I like it or not."
"Wow," said Youngster Joey. "Want to eat some fruit snacks with me?"
"Okay!"
Youngster Joey and Lass Jenny each ate a mescaline pellet and sat for a minute giggling in each others' arms, feeling hot saliva welling at the roots of their tongues. Youngster Joey, feeling adventurous and manic, called Professor Elm on the phone. It rang twice before the young professor picked up.
"This better be good, you little ass wipe," Elm growled.
"Hey, Professor Elm, it's me! Youngster Joey!"
"I know," Elm said, sulking. "You call me nearly every day, and I can't get your phone number blocked ever since I broke up with that girl who works at the phone company."
"Have I told you about that Rattata I used to have? I think it was in the top percentile of Rattatas. Like it was really something else. Y'know?"
"You son of a bitch," Professor Elm cried in helpless exasperation.
"Hey, Professor Elm, if I really like a girl… and I want to ask her out…"
"For Christ's sake, don't talk to me about women."
"But I really like her," Youngster Joey said, staring meaningfully into Lass Jenny's eyes. She swooned and put her arms awkwardly around his neck.
"Joey," Elm snarled, "I haven't gotten laid in three years. Hey, I know. Why don't you call her?" He slammed the phone down with a wild crash of white noise and then the line went dead.
"I like you, too," Lass Jenny said.
"Someday I'll come to your house and kiss you and do sex stuff with you," said Youngster Joey, smoothly as hell. Lass Jenny's heart melted and she fell in love that very moment.
They got up and went to the medicine counter.
"Hi," said Youngster Joey to the register man. "I'd like something to cure my bipolar disorder, please."
"Er," the man said, frowning.
"What's wrong?"
"You need a prescription for antidepressants and antipsychotics and other drugs like that," the guy explained.
"Oh," said Youngster Joey. He and Lass Jenny stood motionless, in perfect cathedral silence, for forty minutes. A long line built up behind them. Suddenly, they snapped out of it.
"Wow, these fruit snacks are pretty good," Lass Jenny said, flicking her eyes nervously around.
"Right?" Youngster Joey said, and vomited.
"Dang," Lass Jenny remarked. The vomit was moving and spinning and its electromagnetic field was experiencing erratic spikes and dips.
"Let's get out of here," Youngster Joey said. He took her by the hand and they ran down the wrong escalator, laughing and screaming and tumbling for a seeming eternity down the rising stairs until at last they landed together in a heap at the bottom.
Suddenly, Mewtwo attacked!
The ceiling of the building was vaporized in an instant, revealing a swirling purple vortex of Psychic-type energy. Youngster Joey screamed. This was not an easy scene to tolerate with a head full of mescaline and a pretty girl on his arm.
Mewtwo descended from the sky and landed before Youngster Joey. He pointed one alien paw at the pair of kids with murderous sternness.
You, Mewtwo said telepathically inside Youngster Joey's brain. The world's greatest Pokémon trainer. I challenge you to a battle.
"Get fucked, you pansy," Youngster Joey screamed, and charged at Mewtwo's legs from a weird half-crouch. Drops of vomit whipped from his chin and cheeks as he plowed into his target, but Mewtwo was unharmed.
I am level 100, it informed Youngster Joey smugly. None of your attacks will be able to do much against me.
Mewtwo lifted its paw and prepared to use Psychic. Psychic was a devastating attack and would almost certainly kill Youngster Joey in one hit. Lass Jenny screamed. Youngster Joey lowered his head, knowing he was beaten, and simply waited for the lights to go out. But just then, right as the swirling doom fog coagulated around Mewtwo's paw and readied itself to end Youngster Joey's life, a black blur leapt out of the shadows and intercepted the attack.
Youngster Joey watched it happen in ultra vivid slow motion. Rattata came blasting out of his peripheral vision wearing the classy Focus Sash Youngster Joey had wrapped around its neck in the first chapter and used Endeavor right before the Psychic landed. Rattata was knocked instantly to 1 HP, but Endeavor dropped Mewtwo to 1 HP as well. Both Pokémon stood eying one another warily.
"Rattata…" Rattata growled. Mewtwo sneered and lifted its fist to use Mega Punch, but Rattata was too quick—much too quick, in fact. Rattata used Quick Attack and did 1 damage to Mewtwo, which killed it.
"Rattata just saved our fucking lives," Youngster Joey panted. He and Lass Jenny shivered together behind the brave little Pokémon.
"Rah… Rattata…"
"After all I did," Youngster Joey said, "after all the fruit snacks I ate, and all the people I inconvenienced, and after I sold you for a bike, which I later threw away for no reason… you still came back to save me…"
Mall goths and other department store patrons that had gathered to watch the battle clapped apathetically.
Youngster Joey helped Lass Jenny to her feet and gathered Rattata up in his arms. "I always knew you were in the top percentage of Rattatas," he said.
"Rattata!"
"What did it say?" Lass Jenny asked.
"Rattata says he always knew I was a bad ass mother fucker," Youngster Joey explained. His eyes were watering. He kissed Lass Jenny on the mouth and thought about doing sex stuff with her later on, and Lass Jenny thought about that, too.
"Man," Youngster Joey said, pulling away from the kiss and smiling. "I'm high as fuck."
"Me too!"
"Let's steal a motorcycle and ride to Hoenn!"
"Yeah!"
They went outside and hot-wired one of the Cue Balls' Harley Davidsons. Youngster Joey rode up front, with Rattata's face sticking out the collar of his shirt. Youngster Joey's pupils were like the mouths of wells. Lass Jenny was curled up behind him with her arms around his waist and her cheek pressed against his shoulder.
"Give me one of the amyls," she said as Youngster Joey gunned the engine and Rattata squealed with excitement. He turned around and looked at her.
"For my heart," she said, laughing. She took the capsule from Youngster Joey's fingers, cracked it under her nose, and sniffed it up.
Bruuuu-huu-huh-huh-huh-hummmm! The motorcycle pealed out of the parking lot and onto the street, carrying its psychedelic lovebirds and their impossibly good Rattata off into the Pokémon sunset, with hearts full of medicine and heads full of mescaline. It was a good day to be alive.
"Rattata rules!" Youngster Joey's voice cried, echoing across the city.
"Rattata!" Rattata's voice added, growing ever more distant.
The Cue Balls came out into the parking lot and watched the kids speed away.
"They stole my bike," said one of the Cue Balls, thumbing a wet line off his cheek and smiling sheepishly, "but god damn if that's not the most adorable thing I've ever seen in my life. Let's go get drunk and curb stomp the first guy that doesn't like Steinbeck."
The Cue Balls took off for the nearest tavern, roaring and pumping their fists, ready for anything.
THE END
