Yes… Let it flow through you… Can you really fight back?
I'm crying due to the pain and right now I feel a strange heat on my lower back, just like… as if something was trying to come out of me. I hold my face due to the pain, scratching it while I scream for help and begging for it to stop. Now I just feel even more hunger, and I can't control it anymore. I need help… please… anyone… just make the pain go away.
You are alone, Kaneki… This pain won't go until you eat, understood? And you are quite aware of your favorite dish by now, right?
Eat, I want to eat. I need to eat. I have to eat. I need to eat to protect myself, to stop this pain.
Go ahead, eat… you have a fresh source of food right at your side, nothing stops you.
No, I can't eat humans. I am a human, so I can't eat him. Eating him would mean that…
Say it, Kaneki…
The regeneration of my torso, my hunger when I'm near Leonard's bloodstained body…
Say, have you seen what's on your back?
On my back…? I turn around violently, still covering my face with my hands, and I'm seconds away from fainting. For a moment, I thought I had left my quinque behind, but I kept it on the briefcase before carrying Leonard. There are 4 claws behind me… a ghoul is making his move on us? No, but I would prefer that…
Those 4 claws are coming out of me.
All of them are deep red, even more intense than my quinque. So, it comes to this, right? It was a possibility, but I tried to avoid thinking about that too much. Is this what I really am? Am I really a freaking monster? Now it's not just scratching my face with my hands, I'm actually trying to hurt myself and wake up from this nightmare.
I wouldn't call myself a monster, you know? Say it, Kaneki…
I am…
SAY IT!
I am a ghoul.
Now I know it, I confirmed it. And, to my horror, everything seems clear now. The reason why I had such a special diet, the reason why that doctor at the CCG was so interested in me and the development of my quinque. Fuck, have I been using myself all this time? Those claws… and, above everything, the reason why everyone at the CCG looks at me with distrust. Does everyone knows this? I am in danger, now that I know the truth too, they will most likely try to finish me. I must escape, and do it soon, but I have no energy left. I'm so hungry, I need…
You need meat, right? Human meat, that is. Go ahead, eat your friend.
No, I won't do that. Leonard is the only person that trusted me, eating him would be… losing him.
Well, then just eat one of his limbs. Surely he will be fine without an arm, right?
No, I won't do that. To eat would be to steal.
Do it, Kaneki. If you don't do it, you are most likely going to be captured and killed.
No, eating would be unforgivable. To eat would be to make a mistake.
Damned goody, I shall take the lead so we get out of this alive.
No, you won't do it. What the f-?
Unable to control them, I feel that the claws on my back start moving on their own will. Actually, on my inner voice will that is trying to eat Leonard. But I won't allow it, so I grab my quinque to protect him… from myself. With difficulty, I manage to stop them for a while, blocking each assault with the halberd form of the quinque, but I won't be able to keep this pace for long.
You are quite stubborn, aren't you? I will be honest with you; this will hurt me more than you.
The voice manages to distract me and takes me by surprise when the claws change their objective and start attacking me. I'm exhausted, and I can't stop the claws from piercing my body, starting with my limbs and leave me out of combat completely, even hungrier and my body of deep pain. I can't hold it anymore, I'm starting to faint and lose to that psychopath voice. I'm sorry, Leonard, I tried but…
-You are under a lot of pressure, Kaneki.
-Who is it…?
Well, shit. We are screwed, Kaneki, it's over. Told you.
Barely conscious, I see a shadow dressed just like me, with white hair and holding a lance on his right hand. Is that you, Arima? Good, that means that Leonard will be safe. And me… well, I didn't really feel like living like a monster anyway.
-I see that you disobeyed my orders and went into combat.
-Arima, please… kill me – I'm prepared, I know that it is my destiny.
-Also, you discovered your real self – Same cold tone of voice as always while he announces my death sentence.
-Please, do it quickly – I feel like I'm losing control, but that doesn't really matter right now. Arima will be able to deal with me. I just hope that I don't hurt him when I lose myself.
-Under these circumstances, there's only one thing I can tell you, Kaneki.
-PLEASE, ARIMA, I'M BEGGING YOU! I DON'T WANT TO KILL LEONARD!
-Don't worry, you won't. I just wanted to tell you, Kaneki, that I'm sorry.
Wait, he regrets that he has to kill me? But why…
-I'm sorry I didn't tell you everything from the start – everything? What is he talking about… I think I'm falling asleep…
-…
-You shouldn't worry about that investigator. Leonard, right? I'll make sure he is treated as soon as possible.
-…
-I think that's everything you need to know.
-Go fuck yourself, idiot.
-Kaneki?
-You managed to beat me before, but this time it will be different.
-…I see. You fought well, Kaneki Ken.
-Shut up already!
I can barely sense what's going on right now since I lost control of myself, but I managed to stay conscious long enough to feel everything. How my inner psychopath took control of my body, and now I can understand it. It's neither an illusion nor a random voice, it's just… me. And that frightens me. I can feel how I launch myself to hit Arima, who easily manages to evade the attack and jumps above me to pierce his lance through my head, piercing my eye… somehow it feels familiar. Painful, yet oddly familiar. That's the last thing I remember, because I'm fainting while I feel that my inner psychopath goes back to sleep in the middle of a loud shout, far away from everything. Also, I know which voice was talking to me when I was trying to kill the Gourmet… that was the "human" side that would refuse to kill, and also goes back to sleep, full of peace. Meanwhile, myself…
I just want to sleep and have a happy dream.
