The Secrets That We Keep
Chapter 9
Her body was shaking, mind racing, heart pounding and her breathing laboured. The pain was intense, consuming her whole until there was nothing left. The room was spinning around her making her dizzy and faint and causing her to feel intoxicated. It was a moment of shear agony and she could feel droplets of sweat dripping down her back and temples. Would it ever stop?
"Just try to relax. I know it's hard but try to breath through the pain and your muscles will automatically ease up and the pain will eventually wear off. Trust me on this." Callie didn't care in that moment if Arizona was uncomfortable or embarrassed about the whole situation. She just wanted to help and didn't care about the fact that Arizona only had one leg or that she was having nightmares and phantom pains. She could tell the blonde was ashamed and down right mortified about breaking down like this but nothing shocked Callie. She had seen it all before.
She gently but firmly massaged the scar tissue that was apparent on the end of the limb with soft circles and patterns. The blonde was still crying softly but seemed to have gotten the control back on her breathing.
Arizona was slowly calming down but was still extremely uncomfortable and embarrassed. She felt exposed, ugly, disfigured and disgusting. Just the thought of Callie touching her stump, massaging it, looking at it and studying it made her cringe and she wished nothing more that to disappear. Again she tried to brush Callie's hands away. "I'm fine. You can stop. I... I feel much... better."
Callie knew she was lying but stopped what she was doing anyway and looked at Arizona's flushed an painfilled face. "Please. I can see that you're hurting but I know how to make it better. Don't fight me on this Arizona, please. I don't want you to go through more pain if you don't have to. And I'm telling you, you don't have to. Okay? So, please just let me help you."
Callie's fingers were back on her skin, making the area she was touching tingle and burn. Arizona didn't object this time. She felt how the warm hands rubbed, squeezed and pressed against her muscles and tissue, willing the pain away. She moved up a bit higher and massaged her upper thigh and then back down again. They didn't speak. Not a word was said between the two, just soft murmurs escaped Callie's mouth when Arizona involuntary let out a hiss or a whimper. Ten minutes passed and to Arizona's surprise the pain was almost gone. Just a dull ache was left but it was bearable and she slowly let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding.
Callie gently removed her hands and placed the covers back over her exposed body, making sure she was tucked in and comfortable. "Better?" Callie asked with a small smile, cocking her head a bit to the side and her concerned eyes studied the beautiful features in front of her.
Arizona nodded shakily and clutched at the covers, trying to cover her upper body as well. "I'm... okay. Th... Thank you." there was a brief pause. "I'm so sorry again for waking you up in the middle of the night. I shouldn't have..."
"Hey, stop that." the latina gently interrupted and helped the woman cover her chest with the duvet tenderly. "It's okay. You don't have to apologize. It's not your fault." Arizona kept her head down to avoid eye contact, too ashamed to even look at the kind brunette. "Can I get you anything? Some water perhaps?"
A glass of water sounded lovely to Arizona's ears but she didn't want to be a bother and have Callie get it for her. She shook her head and began to fidget with the bed sheets. Suddenly Callie's gentle hand was placed over her fidgety ones and she immediately stopped. "Do you want to talk about the dream you had?" Arizona once again shook her head. "Okay." Callie stated and gave her hands a soft tug. "Look, I understand if you don't want to talk about what just happened and I respect that." she lowered her head so they were eye level and Arizona had no choice but to make contact. "Just know that I'm here if you do want to talk. I'm not going to pressure you into something you're not ready for but just bear it in mind that keeping things locked away or bottled up inside is not doing anybody any good."
Arizona was just about to comment but Callie held a hand up to stop her. "I know that you already know all this but I'm saying it anyway." she gave the blonde a compassionate smile. "Can I give you a hug?"
The simple and innocent question made Arizona tear up once again but managed to keep them at bay. "A hug would be awesome."
Callie opened her arms, gesturing for Arizona to come closer. "Come here." the latina wrapped the distraught woman up in her arms and held her tight. She could feel Arizona take a deep breath and letting it out slowly but shakily. She rubbed the slightly quivering back in soothing circles. "It's okay. You're gonna be okay." she whispered.
Pulling away reluctant Arizona wiped at her eyes removing the brimming tears threatening to fall. "What time is your shift starting?" Callie asked, concerned about the lack of sleep Arizona was experiencing.
"Um, at eight. Unless I'm being paged before that. Why?"
"You should really get back to sleep then so you're well rested. Do you think you can go back to sleep? Do you want me to stay for a little longer?"
Arizona shook her head, cursing herself mentally. I'm a grown woman for gods sake. I can deal with this. I don't need someone to hold my hand to fall asleep. I'll be fine, she kept telling herself. "I'm okay. Thank you though."
Callie stood up. "Okay. I'm just next door so wake me up if you need to or want to, I won't mind." approaching the door she turned around one last time. "Good night, Arizona."
"Good night, Callie."
The door closed and the blonde was on her own with her demons playing fetch within her head. She knew she wasn't getting more sleep tonight, she rarely did after an intense dream like the one she just had and she knew it would be useless trying. Reaching over to the nightstand she grabbed her phone and busyed herself with playing some candy crush, hoping to pass another few levels. It was a great thing to do to distract her mind and keep her thoughts somewhat sane and rational. The game was easy and innocent but a great comfort and a peaceful escape from reality. Just for a little while.
It was not until a week later that the two women saw each other again and both of them had felt rather lonely and misplaced without the other. Callie hadn't stopped thinking about the incident that happened at her apartment and couldn't help worrying about the blonde. Call it crazy or ridiculous but no matter how hard she tried to focus on something else, the blue eyed woman with the most precious dimples invaded her mind.
Her pager went off. 911 on a post op patient. "Damn." she muttered under her breath as she ran to where she was needed. By the time she got there she heard dr Hunt declare the patient dead.
"Time of death 17.32."
Pulling the curtain aside to see which one of her patients had passed, she was faced with a whole crew of doctors, surgeons and nurses looking straight at her. On the bed, already beginning to turn ghostly white, was David Hardinger. A middle aged man who Callie had performed a full hip replacement on, The Peterson's Hip. A quite invasive surgery and not performed by many orthopedic surgeons in the country. The procedure was still quite new and controversial but Callie had been confident that she could do it and the surgery had gone as planned. She couldn't understand what had gone wrong.
"What happened?" she asked Owen when they were the only two left.
"Thrombus, a blood clot, within the heart. It was quick, nobody could have seen it coming. We did everything we could but these particular situations are so unpredictable. There was nothing you or anybody else could've done to stop it. It happens Callie. I'm sorry." he placed his hand on her shoulder and gave her a reassuring squeeze before disappearing.
No matter how awful this was, Callie couldn't help but to feel relieved. It was nothing she had done wrong to cause this. The operation had still been a success and she hoped for many more to come. Things like this did happen and sometimes it could be prevented or caught early and sometimes, unfortunately, it could be fatal. Sighing, Callie did feel sad and also felt like she had failed, both herself and her patient but she couldn't let this get her down in the dumps.
Callie's shift was over at six but she decided to leave a bit ealier since things seemed to be under control. She walked into the locker room, which was fortunately empty, sat down on the bench seat placed in the middle of the isle and rested her head in her hands. She couldn't help but to feel cheated on somehow. She had rocked that surgery from start to finish and everything had gone smooth, only to backfire later and give her a slap in the face.
Groaning, she rubbed her temples, feeling a headache starting to build and the tension in her neck and shoulders were beginning to hurt.
"You look like you could do with a hug."
The sudden voice startled Callie but calmed when she saw the pretty blonde in the doorway offering the brunette a sad smile. Arizona gently sat down next to Callie, almost touching. "You okay?"
Callie sighed in defeat, looking down at her shoes, suddenly finding them very interesting. "I just... I lost a patient and I know I shouldn't feel so... so upset about it but I just... I just, I..."
"Of course you're upset. Losing a patient is always hard. We do our best to make them feel better and when it doesn't work out then we feel like we failed them, but do you know what? We didn't fail them. We gave them a second chance, another go at life and a chance to start over and I know for a fact that they are all greatful for that." she placed a hand on Callie's upper thigh. "Don't beat yourself up over it. You did what you could."
Callie explained to Arizona what exactly had happened. That the surgery had been a success and that he had actually died from a blood clot. "Well, you should celebrate then." Arizona added. "I mean, it's awful that he passed away but your surgery was flawless. It was your first time doing this particular surgery right?" Callie nodded. "See, you did it. Your first time using a new, technique, new instruments and new procedures and you did it! I, personally, think that that is worth celebrating."
The blonde tried to get Callie's attention or eye contact by lowering her head and tilting it to the side a bit. Finally Callie sat up straight and took a deep breath. "You're right. I should celebrate. We should celebrate." she stod up and offered Arizona her hand. "Wanna go to Joe's for a few drinks?"
Smiling Arizona accepted the large elegant hand and grasped it. "I wouldn't want to be anywhere else."
