The Message
Chapter 9
Pacey looked at his watch for the fourth time in two minutes. It was still only a little past six o'clock, and his date with Sadia wasn't until seven thirty. For the hundredth time in those same two minutes he wondered why on earth he had made the date in the first place.
He knew when he called her he had been angry, hiding under the guise of moving on. He had been walking around all morning with a fake grin on his face, puttering to keep himself from thinking what a sham it all was. He'd been wiping windex off the windows, thinking idly about how impressed Emma would be if she was still here, when his gaze had fallen to the bar below, and his thoughts had taken a decidedly depressing turn. In that moment he wanted to get back at her, to hurt her as badly as he was hurting, and he had thought of Sadia.
He remembered Joey's jealousy that day in his office, remembered the passive aggressive acts she'd used to try and get back at this woman she saw as a threat. At the time it had been endearing, thinking that she cared enough to be jealous. Now it was just a way to find revenge, even if she never knew. So he had called the reporter, made small talk for a minute, then asked her to dinner the next night. She'd agreed immediately, just as he had known she would, and he had cut the conversation short, suddenly hardly able to breathe.
That had been the closest he came to breaking down the whole day – well until Jen showed up. In the few minutes after he hung up the phone he stopped moving, grasping the counter as he tried to steady his heart. He fought the instant urge to cancel the date, to run to Joey's dorm and apologize for something he hadn't even done yet, the urge to crawl into his bed and cry. It was a battle he remembered from his first few weeks on a sailboat the summer after senior year.
He noticed Melanie right away, any guy with a pulse would have, but it was a passing glance. She was caught up in another of the deckhands at the time anyway, so they barely had contact at first. Truthfully, Pacey was so amazed at the ready availability of booze that he hadn't even spared her a thought after that first initial glance.
The first few days away from Capeside he thought he might actually die from the loss of everything he left behind. Luckily, the other guys he crewed with were more than willing to help him ease his broken heart and troubled mind by taking him to all the bars with a liberal carding policy that they knew. He had started with whisky, beer chasing it down, but soon found that tequila was easier on the stomach. When there wasn't a bar that didn't card, or when they spent the night out on the water, there was always a bottle of something floating around under someone's bunk.
The alcohol was an easy escape at first. He could drink until the memories of Joey became fuzzy in his mind, until he could hardly feel his fingers, fingers that had once brushed through silky dark hair and over smooth honeyed skin. If he drank enough he could pass out, a welcome relief when sleep refused to come. He decided that maybe this is what his whole life had led up to, him and a bottle forgetting the world.
After a few weeks, the lifestyle started to have an effect on him. It took more to make him forget, and while he got used to the feeling of waking up with his system still clouded and his head pounding, somehow the clarity of her was even more distinct after the hazy nights. But he didn't know what else to do.
The moon was full and the stars were shining brightly the night Melanie first sat down next to him on deck. He had been looking intently at the sky, trying to find the answers to his heartache, seeing Joey's face every time he closed his eyes. He had imbibed more than his fair share for the evening, feeling his pain acutely in his chest the further south they traveled, as if his very soul was being ripped from his body with each passing mile, that ephemeral part of himself being left behind on a dock with a girl whose dreams were too big for him.
He tried to ignore the presence at his side, hoping she would just leave him alone, and for a few minutes Melanie sat quietly. He had resigned himself to simply blocking her out, concentrating on his inner turmoil when she asked.
"Who is she?"
"No one anymore," he answered, not sure that it was the truth but needing it to be in that moment. Frankly he was surprised he had even answered. Melanie nodded thoughtfully, before placing a hand on his thigh. "Do you want some company?" He knew from the way her hand started to drift up his leg that it wasn't a friendly offer. For a moment he was unable to breath, his chest constricting with overwhelming pain and sorrow. His eyes remained fixed for indefinable seconds on the stars.
Eventually, as his vision blurred with unshed tears he turned away from the night sky, and let her kiss him.
His first thought was that she tasted wrong, she tasted like mint and money, whereas Joey had always tasted sweet and warm, Joey had tasted like home. The difference of it shocked him, and he fought the urge to pull away. He didn't know why he stayed anymore than he knew why he was so desperate to go. After a few moments he just surrendered to the moment, his mind swirling with broken promises, lost tomorrows, and too much José.
He felt her hands snake over his shoulders as she straddled his lap, pulling him closer. He felt a desperation in his gut, desperation to feel anything else, anything other than the weight of sad brown eyes softly asking him to stay. He could lose himself in this, in the physicality of this act with this other someone. He needed to get lost, and so he responded in kind, letting his hands roam over her body, its curves and planes so foreign to him.
It had been quick that first time between them, they hadn't even taken off their clothes. She simply unzipped his shorts and pushed aside the bottom of her bikini before sheathing him in a condom she produced from seemingly thin air. Impaling herself on him, she rocked against him with practiced ease until they were both spent. She kissed him quickly when they were done, before adjusting her clothes and moving below deck, leaving him alone again with the stars.
The whole night he lay there, silent tears running down his face, a silent apology directed to the heavens, to the girl who he had betrayed if only in his heart.
Now, all this time later, he felt the ache of betrayal in his chest again. It never completely left, not even after Melanie became a regular past time for him. Not after a few women in Boston, not even when dating Audrey. But it had helped him move on then, and he was hoping it would help him move on now, so as his breath had started to return to normal he hadn't called Sadia to cancel the date and he firmly pushed the pain away. It was the only way he knew how to get Joey out of his head, if only for a little while.
Now, with a whole hour and a half to go until he embarked down that path, he found the ache returning in small increments making him anxious and a little nauseous. He fidgeted with his tie, and then with his jacket, wondering why on earth he had gotten dressed for the night so soon. He also wondered briefly what Sadia would think if he showed up in a Hawaiian shirt and cargo shorts, ready to take her to mini golf. The thought led him right back to Joey and memories of dates past with a girl who loved him no matter what he wore or how much money he had in his bank account.
Deciding there was no way he would last the next hour if he didn't do something he made a split second decision and headed out. As he crossed the street toward Hell's Kitchen, he was again thankful that he'd made Jack check the shift schedule so that he would know when Joey was working. Tonight was a safe night, and Jack had headed over with Jen earlier for some fag/hag banter and a game of pool.
Jack had just settled into the booth across from Jen, his stomach already rumbling from the faint promise of food, when he saw a familiar brown haired waitress making her way over. His eyes widened just a fraction as Joey came to a stop at their table, feeling inordinately glad that Pacey had declined their offer, as it had been he who had given Pacey the information about Jo's schedule, and he didn't really want to deal with the fallout of being wrong.
"Hey guys," Joey said lightly, seeming upbeat. Jack, however, had known her long enough to take in the subtle signs of distress and paranoia that seemed to cling to her edges. Her eyes flitted randomly around the bar, searching, before briefly stopping at the large front windows, their gaze titled upward for a moment toward a loft, not visible from this angle, across the street. The slight flutter of her hand motions, smoothing, tucking, dancing around her body like they had a life of their own. Oh yeah, and the sheen of panicked sweat he could almost envision breaking out on her brow.
"Hi Jo!" Jen responded enthusiastically, and Jack knew she had seen the signs as well.
"So, um, are you guys here by yourselves?"
Joey had never been very good at subterfuge, or in this case easy nonchalance, and so of course Jack saw right through her to the real question, that being 'is there any chance I am going to see Pacey joining you in the next few hours?'
"Yep, just us," Jen was replying, and Jack found himself wondering how the woman could process all the subtext and still reply in such a timely fashion. Frowning, he wondered if he was off his game – usually being able to convert subtext to text both verbally and mentally, as well as adding witty commentary all in the space of a few nanoseconds. You didn't survive in this group without the skill. The fact that he had barely processed the subtext, let alone started the translation, before the conversation had moved on made him worry. Maybe Jen was right and all the frat house beer really had killed too many brain cells.
He snapped quickly back to the world outside his mind when Joey offered to take their order. After adding his request for a coke and burger with extra fries on the side to Jen's diet coke, he flashed Joey a quick grin that he hoped said both 'I feel for you in your time of emotional upheaval' and 'I'm on to you sister, don't think I don't realize you were asking about Pacey'. Clearly his look giving skills had faltered as well, because Joey just shot him a smile back that said vaguely 'I'm glad we're friends Jack' and 'why the hell are you grinning at me like an idiot?'
She walked away from the table a moment later, leaving a promise to bring their drinks right back and Jack miserably appraising his skills.
"So, do you think she looks like she's sleeping with Eddie?" Jen asked suddenly, causing him to be grateful for the lack of anything liquid in his mouth that could be spit out. He gaped at her for a moment, then succinctly lifted his jaw off the table and turned to appraise Joey.
She was at the bar waiting for their drink order, and he could see her restless shifting from foot to foot. She looked tired, worried and a little spacey, but she definitely did not have a post-coital glow. Any one else might have followed the line of thinking that she might have had sex a day or so ago, thus negating the need for any sort of glow at this moment. Jack, however, knew Joey, and her glow always seemed to last for days on end, or at least it had back in high school. Thinking about it, he realized he had not really detected any glow on her earlier in the year when she had slept with Dawson either. This of course led Jack to the only logical response to Jen's question.
"Nope, either that or he's really bad at it."
Jen looked at him for a moment, then covered a smile realizing that he too had been thinking about the 'Dawson' incident, and how they had privately agreed after the disastrous 19th birthday party that Dawson must have been pretty bad at it if Joey had been so mad, and without an ounce of glow about her. Jen, of course, had an insiders view on the matter, but refused to comment on her own tawdry Leery experiences saying, "It's not nice to kick a bad lay when he's down." This, of course, had been met with a cascade of Jack's giggles and a frantic begging for it to stop before he peed himself.
"Yeah, I think you're right, she definitely does not look like a girl who is getting any," Jen opined, staring at Joey appraisingly as she weaved her way back toward their table. "Did I look like that for the last two years of high school, or does her added angst make the 'I'm not getting any' non-glow even more pronounced?" she asked, only semi seriously.
"You, my dear, were beeyoooutiful, you glowed consistently," Jack fawned, big fake admiring eyes fluttering their lashes at her in a sickly sweet display.
"Were?' Jen asked him, eyebrow arched.
Ignoring the pointed look she was shooting him, Jack continued. "Well, glow or not she looks better than Pacey has these last few days, not that he'd want her to know that." he said sadly, knowing how hard his buddy was taking things.
"Yeah, I think that whole Loveline thing just made things worse all around. I wish I had never even told him about the damn show in the first place," Jen muttered.
"I bet that's a day he wishes he could go back and direct all over again," Jack agreed.
Jen nodded but before the conversation could go any farther, Joey had arrived, and was distractedly unloading their drinks. She looked like she wanted to say something, but wasn't quite sure how.
After everything was off her tray and onto the table she stayed, pulling at a piece of hair that had come lose from her ponytail. Jack just waited, knowing she wanted to ask something but not knowing what to say. Jen was silent too, obviously trying to give the other girl a chance to speak. Instead Joey just tucked the errant hair back into the elastic and with a wobbly smile started to leave.
"He's doing okay," Jen said softly, and Joey looked up at her quickly, naked emotion in her eyes. She let out a quick puff of breath and a half laugh at herself.
"Thanks." Joey looked at Jen sincerely.
"I think he would be doing better if you would talk to him," Jen offered gently.
Jack looked at her like she was crazy for a moment, wondering if the statement was true at all. He had a feeling that meetings between Pacey and Joey might leave his roommate in a big ol' ball of very angry or very sad, two things Jack did not like living with. But as he saw Joey's eyes soften, and heard the shaky breath she took and the crooked smile she offered, he realized that Jen had always been better at figuring these things out. Though he still prided himself on talking a bride out of fleeing her wedding way back when.
"I want to, I mean I will, it's just…" Joey trailed off, and Jack felt sorry for her. He felt sorry for Pacey, he felt sorry for the whole sorry situation. He took a moment to just appreciate that he had found his sexuality before Josephine Potter was able to completely wreck him too.
Joey offered them both that tilted smile again before moving off, nipping further entreaties, accusations, or offers of support in the bud. Realizing he had again contributed nothing to the proceedings, busy playing catch up with his own thoughts, he was brought back to the startling conclusion that his game was definitely not as good as it had been a few years ago. He was sucking down his soda, wondering idly if he would be outcast from the group once they noticed his failing, and if there was a 12 step program to wean you from subtext, angst and drama, when he glanced across the table and saw Jen with 'The Face'.
Jen liked to call it her 'thinking face' but as Jack had seen her think plenty of times without it he preferred the much more specific titling of 'evil scheme face'. He felt a heavy lump of wariness, anticipation and childlike excitement sink into his stomach with the remains of his coke as he let the straw fall from his mouth. He had to admit Jen's plans usually worked out, but never without their fair share of drama and casting of aspersions first.
"Whatcha thinking?" he asked, trying for the nonchalance Joey had never mastered.
When she smiled at him he saw a flash of mad scientist in her eye, and when she spoke there were the distinct undertones of power hungry megalomaniac in her voice. Jen was about to play God, and god help the poor souls she had chosen as pawns.
"We have got to get those two together," she said slowly.
Jack blanched further. Not only did he not want to live with 'very sad' or 'very angry' but he really didn't want to live with 'very manipulated' especially since it would probably lead to Jen being banned from watch duty, leaving him to cope with the things flying at his head solo. And given his recent discovery that his brain was lagging, he really didn't want to be up shit creek without his little blonde haired paddle.
"Jen, I don't know if that's such a good idea. Maybe they need some time to figure this out on their own," he said warily, knowing it was already too late to talk reason.
"Oh no, those two will just avoid each other and leave the issue until it has festered to the point that it becomes unfixable. We have to get them together soon, so they can just work it all out." Jen sounded authoritative, and he knew she would eventually sway him. But he had to put up the metaphorical fight, it was the only way to get the plan out of her and he really didn't want to be in the dark on this one.
"But Jen, Joey is with Eddie, and Pacey is hurting pretty bad. I don't think they're going to get back together anytime soon."
"I don't mean they have to be together Jack. I just mean they need to figure out a way to be friends again before they lose everything they have built these last few years. Those two need each other, and it's our job to make sure they don't blow it," she stated, convinced by her own words.
"Does it have to be our job? I mean we don't even get paid," Jack whined back halfheartedly. He was really whining just for whining's sake, knowing the battle was lost.
"It's foolproof," she started, clearly plans already being drawn up somewhere in her head. Lost in her own little world she continued, "I mean if those two bump into each other they'll have to figure it out." Jen's head was bobbing wildly, and Jack missed for a moment the curls that used to bob along with her.
"I mean," now she was addressing him, "when have you known Pacey to be able to resist Joey?"
Jack put on a fake thinking face, already having an answer in mind. Hey, maybe his brain cells were regrowing! "Um, hmm Jen let me think. Oh yeah maybe Senior Prom, or when he sailed away for three and a half months even though they still loved each other, or for five weeks in Boston at the beginning of freshman year," Jack began ticking the incidents off on his fingers, but Jen clearly wasn't listening.
"And for that matter," the blonde continued, "When has Joey really been able to resist Pacey's charms?"
Again, Jack looked at her like she was delusional before starting a list on his other hand. "When they first got together and Dawson made issues, when she told him he could date Audrey even if she still loved him, and oh yeah, and about a week ago when she sent him home in a state of soul-crushing depression." He punctuated his last item with a withering look but Jen failed to notice.
"Exactly, and what does this prove?" she asked excitedly.
"That those two should be no where near each other when formal wear is involved. Well, and of course, that you are clearly insane." Jack stated calmly.
"No, Jack. All the times they stay away from each other or hurt each other it's because they over think things. In each of those situations their brains got the better of their hearts and convinced them of things they didn't really want to do. So what we need is an unplanned encounter, that way they can only act and react, not think." She reached her conclusion with another authoritative nod of her head, and Jack could only hope he was around to witness this unplanned interaction, not only for fringe entertainment value but because there were bound to be many pieces to pick up afterwards.
Though looking at Jen, now sipping contentedly at her soda, he had to wonder. Because somehow, his best friend was always right about these things, no matter how disastrous they seemed.
Pacey stepped lightly onto the curb, already glad that he had come, relaxation starting to spread throughout his body as he pulled open the door. He spotted Jen and Jack immediately in a booth off to his left, and headed to join them, a genuine grin on his face. Jack saw him first, and Pacey faltered a step when he saw a panicky look cross his roommate's face. Jen turned to him then, and he thought he saw her eyes open just a bit wider than normal before she put on a welcoming smile.
He came to a stop next to the table, looking between the two for some form of explanation as clearly something was going on. Jack opened his mouth to speak, but there was a loud thump that Pacey was pretty sure came from Jen's foot connecting with Jack's shin.
"What's going on guys?" he asked, mildly suspicious that they might have just been talking about him. Jack just glared sulkily in Jen's direction, but the blonde looked at him with a cloyingly sweet expression. "Oh nothing Pace, we were just chatting."
"Mmmhmm," he answered, his tone one of disbelief.
"Why don't you have a seat," she started, before abruptly switching tact. "Actually, could you be a gem and go put on a song for me at the jukebox?" she stated, shoving a dollar at him.
He looked at her again, feeling like she was up to something but he wasn't quite sure what. "Okaaaay, what song do you want me to pick?" "Oh, I don't care you decide," she said, pushing at his arm to get him moving. Pacey was starting to feel decidedly uncomfortable, knowing that something was going on, but the duo wasn't being very forthcoming so he made his way over to the jukebox anyway.
He had almost reached it when he bumped right into her. He instinctively reached out his hands to steady her, grabbing her hips gently. When she looked up into his face, a startled look that he was sure mirrored his own, he froze for a moment.
She was so close he could feel the warmth radiating off of her. He could smell the scent of her shampoo, could see the flecks of green and blue and gold in her eyes. His eyes focused on her full lips, barely parted in surprise. Her tongue darted out and ran self-consciously over her lower lip, wetting it. The desire to kiss her was strong, overriding the pain in his heart and the screaming in his head. His fingers dug into her hips slightly and he had to fight the urge to pull her flush against him. She was staring back just as intently and he could hear her breath coming fast, in little hitches.
"Pacey," she said breathlessly, so quiet it barely made it off of her lips. The sound of his name coming from her mouth made his knees weak and he was afraid he wouldn't be able to stand for much longer. She was leaning into him almost instinctually, one of her hands starting a slow slide up his chest, the other grasping his arm. He started to lower his head towards hers, no longer in control of his actions and he felt her move to meet him. He could feel her breath on his cheek and knew her lips hovered directly in front of his.
"Excuse me miss, you were taking our order I believe?"
The voice was harsh, rude undertones breaking into the moment and suddenly she had pulled back. His hands were now empty, his head spinning at the loss of contact. The pain in his heart was a tidal wave, coming back full force as he realized exactly what he had been about to do. He looked at her, his eyes those of a lost little boy, but she wouldn't meet his gaze. Her face was flushed and she tugged distractedly at her ponytail as she finished taking the table's order.
He caught her arm as she started to turn back toward the bar. "Jo," he wasn't sure what he wanted to say, he just didn't want her to walk away quite yet. She looked at him then and smiled crookedly, breaking his heart for the millionth time. "Just a sec Pace, let me place this order and I'll take a break okay?" He nodded mutely, surprised that she was offering him this much.
His eyes followed her as she went to drop off the ticket, watching her hands as they undid the apron strings from around her waist where his own hands had been moments ago. He watched as she smoothed down the front of her shirt nervously, tucking strands of hair that didn't exist behind her ears. When she reached him she paused, clearly unsure what to do next. He couldn't give her any answers, still in a daze at just being this close. After a moment she tugged on his arm, leading him into the break room in the back.
Thankfully, the room was empty for the moment. Or maybe not, maybe it would be better filled with chatting coworkers, because then the silence between them wouldn't seem so absolute.
"So," she said, shrugging apologetically at him at not having anything better or more profound to say.
"So," he echoed. "I thought you had the night off." He realized once the words left his mouth that he had implicitly stated that he had checked her schedule.
"I'm filling in for someone," she said softly, ignoring his slip.
Silence fell once again between them, until she finally spoke.
"Pacey, if you don't want to talk to me I understand. I know I hurt you, and I'm sorry for that, I never wanted to do that." Her voice was quiet and she kept her gaze fixed on the floor. It was killing him that she wouldn't look at him, he had always needed to see her eyes in moments like these, always needed to know what she was feeling. He didn't answer her, not sure what to say, not sure if he even had a voice anymore to say it with.
She was wringing her hands, and he was pretty sure if she looked up she would be chewing on her lower lip. When she realized she wasn't going to get a response, she let out a gust of breath before trying again.
"I don't want to lose you Pacey. I want you in my life." The words hit him hard, but not as hard as her eyes when she finally looked up at him. In them he saw that she was hurting too. But he couldn't bring himself to believe she was hurting because she missed being with him.
"You're the one who put us here Jo." He heard the words come from his mouth even though he didn't remember forming them.
He saw her eyes well up with tears, and instantly regretted the words and the hard tone he had spoken them in. He heard her breath hitch on something between a sigh and a sob before she answered. "I know. I'm sorry Pacey, I'm so sorry, I just…" He interrupted before she could finish, his mouth now clearly having a mind of its own. "Are you sleeping with him now?" She looked at him shocked, and he felt the same mean smirk that had inhabited his face yesterday creeping up.
"Cause you know, I heard on the radio that you two were having a little trouble in that department. But when I called the other night it sounded like you might have gotten that all worked out." His words were pointed, and they hit their target with deadly force. She actually recoiled a step, and he found both pleasure and pain in eliciting that reaction.
"You called?" her voice almost broke over the words, her eyes wide with surprise, her body still reacting to his harsher words. He looked away quickly, realizing that yet again he had revealed too much. When he chanced a glance back in her direction her eyes were tidal pools, just waiting to spill.
For a moment he thought she might break down completely, but she steeled herself. "No, we are not sleeping together," she said, answering his question. The answer surprised him, and he felt a little guilty at having been so harsh. Then again, it was probably only a matter of time before she did sleep with him.
"Too bad for you," he answered, tone flip, anger overwhelming pain.
She stepped toward him again, reaching out a tentative hand, placing it on his arm gently. The contact almost did him in, and he again had to fight the urge to fall at her feet and beg her to love him.
"I'm sorry I hurt you Pacey. I understand if you don't want to see me anymore, but I hope you know that I love you and I'll always want you in my life." She spoke the words softly, and kept her brown eyes locked with his the whole time, letting him know the truth of them.
His hand instinctually reached up to caress her cheek, but he checked the motion. She was no longer his to touch, and while she might want him in her life she didn't want him to play that role anymore. Instead he stepped back from her touch, ignoring the hurt in her eyes at his actions.
"I've got to go, I have a date," he heard himself saying. He didn't want to hurt her anymore, but he didn't want to hurt either and throwing that between them seemed like as good a barrier as any. He saw her eyes widen and the pain grow in them. Her posture stiffened and she looked like someone had physically slapped her. "Oh," she said, her voice a little shocked. "With Sadia." God he just couldn't shut up! he thought, not sure why he was taking this little trip to Torture Central.
"Oh," she said again, this time refusing to meet his eyes, turning her head slightly to mask her expression. Yesterday when he had made the date, this is what he had wanted to accomplish. He wanted her to feel this way, the hurt, the questions, the restless tossing at night wondering if he was touching her, if he was moving on. Now he just wanted to hold her and soothe away the look his words had caused. He suddenly wished he could take it all back, even the good parts, take it back all the way from 16 on just so they couldn't do this to each other anymore. But he knew an instant later that he wouldn't trade a single one of the good parts, not even to stop the way they were feeling now.
He searched for words to at least help ease the situation, always wanting to protect her heart even when she didn't give the same courtesy to his, but she was already brushing past him back into the main bar. He reached to grab for her arm again but she jerked it from his grasp and kept moving.
He trailed her slowly, weaving through the crowded room. He saw her open the front door, stepping out into the cooler night air. His eyes briefly met Jen's and he cringed at the look she was giving him. He knew she wouldn't be happy with him once she heard about the display he had put on, knew she would want he and Joey to work it out instead of throwing barbs at each other. He couldn't explain to her in a look that he had to do it to save himself so he just tore his gaze away for the moment and walked outside after Joey.
He found her leaning against the brick wall outside, one hand over her eyes, the other on her stomach, as she tried to fight off the tears. He walked slowly, not really even knowing why he had followed her. He didn't have anything to say that would make it better, and he already knew she couldn't make it better for him. She stilled, sensing his presence, and turned away to quickly swipe at the tears she didn't want him to see.
In that moment Joey wished the ground would open up and swallow her, she wished for another mugger to come and take her away at gunpoint, she wished for anything just to get her away from Pacey and his eyes that could see into her soul. No such tragedy was forthcoming however, so she wrapped her arms around herself to fight off the urge to wrap them around him. Even when he was hurting her, he was the one she wanted comfort from. No one could make the pain go away like Pacey and his warm, strong arms.
She chanced a look at his face, and saw his heart opened as clear as a book in his eyes. She could see the damage she had done, could see the struggle in him between the part that wanted to walk away and the part that wanted to hold her. She knew she had no right to judge anything he did with his life, and especially not who he saw, but she couldn't stop the pain in her chest. Her own defenses were steadily weakening, and she wasn't sure how to do this anymore, she wasn't sure how to be his friend.
She realized then that Pacey was her best friend, he had taken that spot from Dawson. She remembered a conversation by the bathrooms at Leery's Fresh Fish, when she had told him that in ten years he would be the person that knew her best. She thought now how wrong she had been, and how hurtful it had been to say it. Because here, standing in front of her barely two years later, was the person who knew her best, and who had known her best for a long time now. Standing in front of her was her best friend and she didn't know how to talk to him anymore.
The silence was palpable, too many words that couldn't be said passing between them. She searched his face for some sign that eventually they might get through this, searched the alarmingly blue depths of his eyes for an answer to a question she couldn't even form. Deep down, under all the hurt, under all the anger, under all the questions and recriminations and shattered bits of heart she saw her answer. Deep down in his eyes she saw love, and knew it was reflected in her own.
She didn't know who moved first but suddenly she found herself in his arms, pressed against his broad chest, sobs wracking her body as she held onto him for dear life. She felt his lips pressed into her hair, heard the hitch in his breath and felt the warmth of her teardrops as they fell from her cheeks, soaking into him. She bunched the material of his jacket in her fists, pulling him closer, needing the contact so badly. He had one arm around her waist, one around her shoulders and she thought she had never felt so protected in all her life.
"I'm so sorry Pacey," she whispered, her voice hoarse. He didn't respond, just clung tighter, and she knew he wanted this moment to be so much more. She almost gave it to him, almost just gave in and let him sweep her away on the tide of their emotions, but she knew that wouldn't be fair. She wasn't ready for forever, not yet. Instead she just took solace in the contact, in the silent promise he offered her that no matter what he would be in her life.
Eventually they broke apart, reluctant to let the moment pass, but knowing it was over. He wiped a tear from her cheek with the pad of his thumb, the sensation both rough and warm and hitting her straight in the heart. "You okay Potter?" he asked gently, no malice in his voice. She nodded, a teary smile on her face, and squeezed his hand in her own, trying to offer him some of the strength he had given her. He looked at their joined hands for a moment, possibility flashing briefly in his mind, before he let the more somber shades of missed chances settle into his eyes.
They separated slowly, her heading back towards the bar door, knowing that her break was surely over by now. She smiled at him again, hoping that it didn't look as bittersweet as she felt. "Have fun on your date," she said shakily, but without hostility. He wanted to tell her that he would cancel in a moment if it would make her feel better, if it would make her smile more sweet and less bitter, but his throat was choked with emotion.
She lifted her hand briefly, a soft gesture of parting, as he stepped out into the street. He returned the gesture before he turned back toward his building, head hanging, step heavy, but his heart a little lighter. When he was just at the entrance he turned back, wanting one last look at her. What he saw was a brown haired man, slightly familiar from his days as a Hells Kitchen bartender, sweep her up in a hug before placing her back on the ground. His heart stilled, watching her laugh and swat Eddie on the arm before she let him guide her back into the bar. Sighing softly, he made his way back up to the loft, knowing there was a long road ahead.
