Disclamer: Do I own this? Nope.
AN: Once more I love to thank all of you who reads this story. I love you all.
Thanks to all of you who leaves such lovely reviews. I love to hear from you.
Thanks to all of my silent stalkers. I hope you like what you read.
And the hugest thanks to TheWeddingFairy for her beta and for her listening to me ranting about this story.
It was dark around him. All dark. He couldn't move. There was a beeping sound. Coming from everywhere. It was soft. Somewhat calming. It beeped at the same pace as his heart beat. A soft voice spoke to him. Said his name. Wanted him to come over. Jack tried to reach the voice. But the darkness held him back. He wanted to call out to the voice. Tell it to help him. But he had no voice.
Slowly the darkness drifted away. The voice went further back. He couldn't keep it with him. And soon, the darkness was replaced with a dreamy meadow and Jack knew that there was nothing he could do to reach the voice calling for him.
Jack felt the mattress under him. The dream drifted away from him. His body ached. He was still holding on to his legs. His eyes burned and his throat was sore. He had a strange taste in his mouth.
He let go of his legs and tried not to moan as he felt every stiff muscle straighten out. Slowly, he sat up against the wall. He saw the papers he'd thrown on the floor the previous night. And suddenly, he knew why his body ached. The nausea came back to him, threatening to make him throw up again. But he held it back. This was not the time. He couldn't dwell on the past, he had to look forward.
For a moment, he closed his eyes and calmed his body down. He'd gotten some papers from his file, and he needed to read them. He needed to know what was written.
He gathered the papers and was just about to start reading when he heard the key in the doors lock. Quickly he hid the papers under his shirt and tried his best to look innocent when the door opened.
"Morning, Jack," Mark said with a soft smile. "How are you feeling?"
"Fine," Jack tried to smile, and he thought he succeeded.
"No more throwing up?"
"Nah. I feel better."
"Good. You had us worried there a bit."
Jack just kept smiling and took the pills he got. And he knew that he wouldn't be able to read the papers right now as he would go numb for a few hours.
So as he felt his body numb around him, he felt for the papers under his shirt. He had them with him, he could read them later.
It was after lunch when Jack began to feel his head clear. He sat on the floor underneath one of the big windows and looked out over the common room. He'd been sitting underneath that window all morning, just looking. One time he saw John walk through, accompanied by a male nurse and two guards. John had caught his eyes and waved at him before he and his followers entered a corridor with metal bars. For a brief second, Jack had wondered where they were taking John, but soon he forgot and went back to thinking about nothing.
Now, he felt like he was in the right state to start reading. So he got up from the floor and walked over to an arm-chair with some magazines on it. He though he could use them as cover for his own papers.
He looked down at the magazines and couldn't help but grimace: it was old Marvel comics and some gossip magazines. Nothing that Jack normally liked to read. But then again, it wasn't like he was going to read the magazines anyway.
Jack sat down comfortably and looked around to see if anyone was looking at him. When he saw that everyone was occupied with other things, he smiled and picked up a random magazine. Then he pulled out the papers from underneath his shirt. And he began reading.
Name: Jack Franklin Harkness
Day of birth: 27 December 1975
Place of birth: Glasgow
Family: Mother, Tracy (Swan) Harkness (deceased); Father, Franklin Harkness (deceased); Brother, Gray Harkness (deceased)
Significant other: Ianto Jones
Lives: Cardiff
Work: Hartman & Jones Publishing
Allergies: Fish, Nuts, Aspirin
Diagnosis: Depression (14 y.o.), Paranoid Schizophrenia
Jack eyed through the whole first paper, and bit back on the anger brewing in him. This paper offered no information at all. It was only his personal file; useless facts about himself. This he already knew.
He mumbled curses in every language he knew as he put that paper aside to look at the next one. And that paper made him curse even more; it was the scans from after the car crash. He wanted information, not worthless crap. He almost cast the scans aside as he went to the next paper. This one was some articles from a newspaper.
He settled down and took a deep calming breath before he began to read.
Double car crash
At 8.37 on Thursday morning police was called to the cross of Robert St. and Gower St. Two vehicles were involved in a serious accident. Both drivers taken to hospital; one mildly injured, the other one critical.
Woman charged for attempted murder after car crash
After investigating the car crash between two civilians' cars last Thursday, police has charged the causing driver, Lisa Hallet, 26, with attempted murder of Jack Harkness, 34. These charges were made by the prosecutor after reviewing some CCTV found from the crossing. The picture evidence combined with the technical non-existent fault finding was enough to bring Ms Hallet in for questioning.
Later, she confessed to driving into the crossing with the intent to cause as much harm as possible to the driver. She did say that she didn't want to hurt Mr Harkness in any way. It was the car's owner and Ms Hallet's ex-boyfriend, Ianto Jones, who was the intended target.
Jack couldn't help but shudder when he read it. This was what Doctor Jane had told him about. He must have been wrong in his thoughts about Lisa as a cyberwoman. Here was evidence that Jane had been right. He read the article again and closed his eyes.
Vaguely, he could feel that this was right. His image of Lisa in the Hub became weaker, and he could kind of feel the truth written in the words. Before his eyes he could see his car drive through the clear crossing before another car slammed into his side. He could feel the pain running through him. And he could feel the darkness come over him. And he was gone. Weeks later he'd woken up with Ianto's hand in his. The relieved smile in Ianto's face. He could see it. And he knew that this was his life.
Jack opened his eyes. No, this was not right. He told himself that a newspaper article could be forged. And the inner images of the crash was just his vivid imagination working.
He threw the paper aside with the others and saw that the next one also was cut outs from a newspaper. He didn't care to read them, just eyed the context. One was about Lisa being sentenced to ten years in prison for the crash, and one was about Lisa killing herself before arriving in jail.
Jack sighed. Still nothing useful. He threw that page aside too and saw that it was the last one. Behind clenched teeth he mumbled the hardest curses he knew.
He looked down on the papers he read through and knew that he couldn't let them lying around. So with a sigh he picked them up and crumbled them into a huge ball. He looked at it and tried to decide if he should keep it or not. It didn't hold any useful information to him; but still it was part of his file. He sighed again and un-crumpled them before hiding them underneath his shirt one more time.
Then he turned his attention to the big windows. It was raining outside. Pouring down. And Jack wanted to go outside. He wanted to just stand in the rain and let it wash away his frustration. But he knew that he couldn't; no one seemed to be allowed outside in this weather.
But he knew that he had other things to worry about. He needed to get hold of Adam again. He shuddered at the thought of looking up that man again, but he knew he didn't have a choice. This time he would demand some vital information, not the same crap that he'd just gone through. His chest tightened and he was beginning to feel sick as he thought of what he could be asked to do for more papers. He didn't want to do anything. He just wanted the papers.
He looked around in the room, trying to find John. He needed to take out his frustration on something, or someone. And John was the perfect victim as he was the one that had put Jack in this situation in the first place. But John was nowhere to be found.
Jack threw his head back and hit the wall a bit harder than he planned. Not that it mattered, he liked feeling some pain sometimes. He looked up at the ceiling and tried to let his mind wander. Maybe if he didn't think he could get some memories back.
But he was soon pulled back from this thoughts as a soft hand was placed on his shoulder. He looked up and saw Natalie the nurse standing there, smiling at him. He smiled back and she handed him his pills. He didn't feel the need to argue, or even think about not taking them. So he reached for them and swallowed like a good boy. After seeing that he'd swallowed them all Natalie stroke his hair before walking over to her next patient.
Jack watched her leave and smiled. He liked her, she was sweet. He felt his body drift back into numbness, and he just let it happen.
Hours later, Jack was sitting underneath one of the big windows again. He looked out over the room and couldn't help but sigh as he watched all the other patients there. How they were all more or less drugged and lost in their own worlds. Jack felt sorry for them. He knew that many of them would never leave this place. He also didn't fail to see the irony of him feeling sorry for others lost in their own heads as he did everything he could to prove that the world in his own mind was reality.
All afternoon he'd kept an eye out for Adam, but he hadn't spotted him. Maybe the man didn't work today. Jack sighed and looked at the clock for what felt like the twentieth time in just a few moments. In about two hours, he would be led back to his room where he would spend the night. But he wanted to get hold of Adam first. He needed more papers. He needed the rest of the file.
Just as he was about to check the clock again, he saw Adam coming out of a corridor just beneath the clock. Jack slowly raised himself from the floor and stood leaning against the window, never taking his eyes off Adam.
The janitor looked out over the room and watched every face that didn't see him. He smirked. Then he looked over at Jack. They stared at each other for a moment before Adam nodded towards a room behind him. Jack gave him a quick nod and Adam's smirk grew wider. He backed up to the door and opened it. Jack shuddered and made his way through the room towards the door Adam had entered.
As soon as the door closed behind Jack, he had to suppress the urge to throw himself over to Adam and beat the shit out of him. Adam seemed to see his inner struggle for control and laughed.
"Back for more so soon?"
"You gave me nothing," Jack said behind clenched teeth.
"Wrong. I gave you papers from your file, just like you wanted."
"Ha! Those papers were useless." Jack moved closer, clenching his fist, wanting to hit.
"So you want more?"
Jack didn't want to answer. He did want more papers, but he didn't want to do anything to get them.
Adam just looked at him with an innocent stare. And slowly, Jack nodded.
"I want vital information this time," Jack said with what he hoped was confidence and a small threat.
Adam's gaze changed and became hard. He looked Jack deep in the eyes and whispered.
"You're not in the position of bargaining. You take what I give you."
Jack met his gaze, challenging him. But in the end it was Jack who turned away because he knew that Adam was right. In this place, Jack had no authority, no power. All he could do what was he was told.
Adam smiled and put a condescending hand on Jack's shoulder. He then turned around and walked of the desk standing by a wall. Jack stood put, just looking down at the floor.
"What to do today…?" Adam smirked as he slowly undressed Jack with his eyes again. He loved what he was seeing.
Jack felt the intense stare, but didn't look up. He did not want to see Adam. He tried to make his mind go blank. Tried to let it leave his body before it all started.
"I'm thinking about a rerun today," Adam smirked and saw Jack shudder. "Yes. Definitely a rerun."
Jack could hear the zipper being pulled down. The sound was so loud it made his head hurt and his stomach turn.
"Down on your knees, Jack."
Jack swallowed hard and obeyed. He knew what was expected from him. And he still remembered that there was nothing he could to.
"Open up." Once again, Jack obeyed.
But this time he told himself that he wouldn't stay. He didn't want to feel what was done to him. He knew he stood there; kneeling on the floor in front of Adam, with Adam looking down on him with lust filled eyes. But Jack let go of his body. He took charge of his mind and guided it to a place far away from this room.
He closed his eyes and visualised golden fields waving in the soft summer breeze. Birds were slowly gliding over the sky, playing with white fluffy clouds. He tried to hear the ocean's waves roll over the water and then dissolve against the warm sandy beach. The grass tickled his naked feet as he made his way through the landscape. It was peace and quiet. There was nothing that could hurt him. Just him and the nature. Far away from civilisation and fear.
He was pulled back to the small room by a sharp pain suddenly running through him as Adam slapped his head.
"Focus," Adam panted and hit him again.
Jack whimpered. He didn't want to be present, but apparently he had no choice. He tried to escape back into his mind once more, and was rewarded with another sharp blow.
When Adam was sated he sighed in content and pulled his zipper back up. Jack sat on the floor with closed eyes. He thought about anything but the foul taste in his mouth.
"God, you're delicious," Adam laughed. "You earned some good reading, even if you drifted away for a moment there."
Jack still didn't look up, but he opened his eyes.
Adam moved away from the desk and threw some papers at Jack.
"Happy reading. Come back later," he winked and left the room.
Jack was left alone to gather the papers, and to gather himself together again. This time he didn't cry. His eyes burned, but he didn't let the tears flow.
He looked around in the room and saw a second door that he hadn't noticed before. As he opened it, he saw that it was a tiny bathroom. He sighed in relief and sat down next to the toilet. After taking a deep breath he put his fingers down his throat. As far down as he could. His stomach began to hurt as much as his throat, and soon all of its contents came up. It splashed into the water and Jack felt himself empty. No trace left of what had been done.
When everything was out of his system, he flushed and stood up beside the sink. He let the cold water flow for a moment before he began to drink. He drank away the horrible taste that tainted his mouth. And when there was no taste left in his mouth, he washed his face. The cold water became an almost painful contrast against his burning cheeks. He liked it.
Soon, he put the papers he got underneath his shirt and made his way back to the common room as though nothing had happened.
"Hey, Jackie-boy!"
The voice mad Jack stop dead in his tracks. All day he'd been looking for John, who had been missing. And now, he sat on the couch, smiling, and looking straight at Jack. For a second, Jack considered ignoring John and move to the other end of the room, as far away from the couch as possible. But he wanted to give John a piece of his mind.
"Found anything good to read?" John laughed and playfully hit Jack's arm as Jack stood beside him.
"It's all your fault," Jack hissed and sat down on the other side of the couch.
He wanted to have some distance between himself and John, but John had other plans. As soon as Jack sat down, John slid over and almost plastered himself onto Jack. Jack tried to bat him away, but found it useless since John seemed to enjoy being hit.
"Why did you do it?" Jack asked. The sound of his voice was more hurt than he wanted it to be. And it seemed to make its way straight into John. "Why did you send me to him?"
John tilted his head and looked at Jack.
"I had to do it," he said. And Jack was almost shocked by the sadness in his voice.
"Why? Why did you have to do it?"
John seemed to vanish before his eyes as he made himself as small as possible. Jack resisted the urge to put a soothing hand on John's shoulder.
"He made me. I had no choice," John whispered and looked up at Jack.
The pity almost left Jack and made way for the anger to come instead.
"He made you? You had no choice?" Jack tried his best not to shout. "That's the stupidest…you always have a choice! You could have said no!"
Then John looked up at Jack. Gone was the sadness and shame. Instead, he looked at Jack with something closely resembling hate.
"You're the one to talk, Jackie!" he said without raising his voice. "You want to blame me for what he made you do. Blame me! You didn't have to do it. Like you said yourself: you always have a choice. So listen here, Jackie- boy," John moved closer and was mere inches away from Jack's face. "It was you're choice. Don't even try to blame this on me."
And with that, John gave Jack a hard smack on the head and left.
Jack sat still, just looking. He knew that John was right. No one had forced him to do anything. He'd done it all out of free will. He swallowed hard. God, he hated when John was right.
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