On Cold Desert:

Rated T.

NON-CANON

Setting: Oregon

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Though I do own Jackson Rathbone. (In my mind.)

Chapter 9.

BELLA'S POV

When I awoke, Jasper was gone.

The first moments of consciousness were entirely blissful. Through the thin cream-colored hotel curtains a wide swath of sunlight cut across the room, warming my face. The remnants of a pleasant dream forgotten still filled my head, and I stretched slowly, groaning with a quiet sort of reluctance to disturb the peaceful atmosphere. I was loath to open my eyes, but an insistent reminder of constant company only added to the enjoyable nature of the morning.

His bed was empty, made. And the room was vacant. I panicked, breath choking in my throat. Deep memories of abandonment instilled terror. Paralyzed, I gasped for air, yanking at the covers.

Then, cold hands tugged at my claw-like grip on the blankets, and a soft voice gentled my fear.

"Bella," he whispered. "Bella it's alright. I'm here."

I turned in the sheets and threw my arms around Jasper's neck, feeling vaguely ridiculous but unable to calm completely. His influence surrounded me, removed sensations of fear and loss. I exhaled.

"I'm sorry," I told him. My voice sounded muffled, but my mouth did not meet fabric; I was pressed tight against the icy contours of a bare chest.

I could sense my brows flying far above the barriers of my forehead, and panic transformed into acute embarrassment. I think I made a noise, an unacceptable exclamation of shock and Jasper, ever the gentleman, pulled back. That wouldn't do.

Despite my humiliation I couldn't seem to stop my body from acting of its own accord.

"No," came the sound from my lips, and though even subconsciously I was aware I was not strong enough to keep him if he wanted to go, his frame bent when my fingers found purchase in his hair. A satisfied sigh entered the room, but I wasn't sure whether it was his or mine. I moved my face along his hard skin, and dizzily wondered if the awed flickering of my lashes against his chest were discernible.

His muscles contracted beneath me, waking me from my insensible stupor. My hands fell loose, and I froze. He understood. I watched as he walked to the bathroom, human speed at first, then accelerating so that the sunlight diamonded off him like a disco ball. Twenty-six seconds later he emerged with a small smile and a long-sleeved shirt. It was green, and made his blonde mane appear stark and blatant.

I smoothed my hair over my shoulders and looked at him.

"Can you hand me my pop tarts?" I asked.

He kindly obliged.

---

Later, when the awkwardness had only minutely dissolved, Jasper explained to me that it would be wiser to wait till twilight before heading out again.

"I mean, you're free to go if you want," he said, catching himself, running a hand through his golden hair in, what I'd come to realize was, a sign of nervousness. "It's just I'd rather stay with you, in case something were to happen."

I grinned wryly. "I may be human, but I can usually take care of myself."

He blinked fawn lashes. "Of course. I didn't mean to imply that you couldn't. Ed- I mean, my brother asked me to not let you out of my sight." Jasper chuckled halfheartedly. "Seems a bit overbearing but I did promise him."

I had tensed at Jasper's near-slip. "Well, I saw a bookstore in the plaza. Can't I go in and look around?"

His lips parted, as if to hastily reply, and then they closed, like he was restraining a too-swift answer. I watched his knuckles turn a shade paler than the rest of him while he pondered my tricky request.

I was prepared for him to deny me, to refuse to allow me walk further than the expanse of tacky carpet permitted- in other words, only to the deadbolt door. I waited for a few moments, growing anxious as Jasper's face twisted in real deliberation.

"Sure," he finally said, shocking me. "Could you just do me a favor and make sure you take your phone with you?"

I knew that my mouth had fallen agape, and that Jazz's own expression was conflicted but set.

I wasn't positive why I was so astounded to hear Jasper's affirmative response. In retrospect, asking to walk to the bookstore seemed ridiculous; I was eighteen, an adult. I hardly needed permission for anything. Jasper's answer should have been easier than it was, but I knew that it was simpler than any reply to risky requests I'd received in a while.

"Bella? Is that okay?"

I gazed upon the features I'd become so accustomed to: a hitch there, purple shadows dusted below almond-shaped eyes, a ridge along his jaw line announcing the territory of scars…

Already, he'd changed me. I found myself scrambling to remember what my Romeo looked like, reflexively, ignoring the knife between third and fourth rib, and was scared to only grasp misty, half-formed memories.

"Bella?" he repeated, apprehensiveness lacing his tone.

"No," I finally said. "Forget it. I'd rather just stay here and talk with you."

His brow arched in confusion. I watched him search my face for some explanation. Finding none, I assumed, he shook his head.

"Okay," he surrendered, exasperated. "Okay."

---

He told me war stories.

We sat on my bed. At first I bounced around with eagerness. But soon his low voice pulled me under and I slowed, entranced.

Jasper's tales yanked me to a place with gray uniforms and guns. It was not always pleasant- in fact, most of what he said bordered raw devastation. But every moral, every personal coil in the fabric of the stories shifted the scene to one less intense, more lighthearted. It's not that he tried to shield me from the horror of his past- his mindset had simply grown from the awfulness of long ago. He'd matured, and my mind raced to keep up with each milestone he passed; it seemed as if he never stopped gaining wisdom, even when his biological clock had shuddered and broke.

His friends and family were faded memories, whereas each vampiric recollection was clear as day. He said it was a commonality with the modification of mortal to immortal.

"Human memories can disappear altogether if we let them," Jasper said, his mind obviously in another time and place. Somehow my hand had crept across the bed and slipped into his; Jazz made no sign that it bothered him, or even that he'd noticed, so there my hand remained.

"You know," he murmured, peering up at me through his hair, a mulish expression on his handsome face, "You're actually a lot stronger than most probably peg you for."

I withdrew my hand from his loose grip, blushing. "Sorry!"

His dark golden eyes widened. "No, I didn't mean that. It's just that…certain people," he worded gingerly, while taking my hand again, "are under the impression that you're…delicate, weak. But you can really handle anything that comes your way. It's impressive."

I blinked. "Really?" I asked, flabbergasted.

"Yeah. I always sort of thought there was more to you than meets the eye." He grew quiet for a moment, glanced toward the darkening sky outside the long windows. "He always treated you like you were made of china," Jazz muttered. "You don't like it, do you?"

If I had been startled before, now my jaw truly touched my collar. I wasn't sure how to answer; it felt like an insult to him- Edward, waiting out the days somewhere in pain. I was hardly suffering at all…thanks to Jasper.

My reply could be simple, honest. But how would that make me seem? Disloyal, I supposed. Ungrateful, even. But I knew that somehow, Jasper had hit the nail on the head.

I drew a shaky breath. "No," I said. "I don't. And you're different, too. Everyone always makes it sound as if you can't be around humans without jumping on their necks. You haven't lost control with me, or anyone else. That's impressive."

He grinned hesitantly, apparently unable to find an appropriate response to my compliment. "It's dark enough now. Wanna head out?"

I nodded, grabbed my shoes. I tried to hide my blush- and failed miserably.

---

We wandered around the plaza with unmistakable disinterest; the bookstore was pathetic, a shabby excuse for American classics; redneck how-to-guides on skinning large game covered the crooked shelves. Each graphic rendition of the fall of deer, elk, even moose caught Jasper's attention. But only momentarily- polite to a fault, he knew very considerately when it was time to make our exit. I think we just enjoyed each other's company, no matter the setting.

There was, however, a music studio that reminded me of another immortal- an unspoken understanding of the other compelled both Jasper and I to turn in our tracks and cut a path to the double doors. It was strange walking hand in hand with Edward's brother- the guilt hadn't laid down on me full length yet, but I instinctively assumed it was coming. Still, I couldn't seem to ignore each pang of sadness that came when our twisted palms were forced to separate: parting through small crowds in stores, or when Jasper kindly opened a door for me. When Edward's name continued to break through my mind and send shockwaves through my body, I made a promise to myself to take each moment as it came…and save the rest for another day.

"Guitars, drums, keyboards…oh my!" I joked dryly as we entered.

The gilded ivory piano in the corner of the room caused unwise consideration. I knew it was wrong, and that I risked his unpredictable temper, not to mention my constant re-realization of self-wretchedness, but I couldn't refrain from asking.

"Do you play?"

Jasper snorted, running a ravaged hand through his honey-colored mane. "No. I tried once. Edward wanted me to learn. That was fun." He sat down on the piano bench, his fingers hovering over the keys. His expression distorted into one of helplessness. I ached, wishing he would look at me, his amber eyes sparkling like I remembered. His sudden moodiness was brought on by one thing: me.

"It took the better part of six months till I could play 'Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star.' Rosalie was so ashamed that I couldn't do something so simple, when Edward played Mozart's requiem with ease." He laughed nervously, glancing at me out of his periphery. "I like the guitar better, anyway," he muttered, rotating on the bench and turning away.

Sorrow shot through me with the swiftness of a bullet breaking skin, and I hated myself. Jasper shifted, raising his left brow curiously.

"What's wrong?" he said.

I grimaced with real and acute regret. "I'm sorry," I told him. "I shouldn't have brought it up." I rubbed my arm furiously in a lame attempt to distract both him and myself from my traitorous emotions. "It's just, I feel as if I'm testing you. I don't realize it until afterward. But it's unfair, and Edward isn't-"

Jasper grasped my shoulders and stared intensely into my eyes. "Bella, it's okay. Don't force yourself to say his name. I understand: you love him. I've never seen a love like yours. I'm not sure if I've even felt it…it must be so hard for you." His rough voice shook with sympathy, and I could sense his influence reaching out to calm me.

Suddenly, I was angry. I didn't want his pity; I didn't want to be calmed. I wanted the pretense between us to end. I wanted him to let go of his inhibitions and realize that I thought he was just as amazing as his brother. I wanted to make him feel, as he had never before. He deserved it.

I reached for Jasper's perfect face and crushed my lips against his.


A/N:

First, apologies for the lengthy period of time I've spent away from fanfiction. I honestly haven't spent much time on the computer at all. What with school, and family, I just haven't had the time. Besides that, me NOT updating is also because that little syndrome called 'writer's block' was wicked strong. If what I wrote didn't sound entirely good, I sorta felt obligated to erase the chapter and start over. I did that alot, actually.

I hope you guys will still stick with me till Cold Desert's conclusion. I am VERY invested in this story, and I'll continue to thank each and every one of you that are invested in it as well. So, THANK YOU! Particuarly I'd like to acknowledge all those who've said I've nailed Jasper's character. When reading other fics, that's always an ability I admire in authors, so it's a HUGE compliment to me.

Let me know how you like the story; the pace is quickening now. Expect news from the other Cullens in upcoming chapters...and of course, more J/B tension.

Please, review! Your reviews literally brighten my days.

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