AN: Thanks for the love on the new Prompt on tumblr, if you haven't seen it yet and want to check it out, Clexagiraffesandbrittana319 New prompt up for upcoming story.
hope you enjoy the new chapter.
Fanfiction is a little bit behind Archive of Our Own so for a few more chapters head there if you dont want to wait!
thanks all!
Lexa woke up early with Anya still passed out next to her they had slept in the guest room. She didn't want to sleep in their bed, being able to smell Clarke and not have her near seemed like too much that night. She grabbed her phone to check to see if she had any texts, just one.
Abby: I got a text from Clarke last night sorda letting me know what was up. Do you want to talk this morning? I can bring the kids home and you and I can go for coffee… Anya is there right?
Lexa: I would like that I think and yes Anya is here. She isn't up yet, but I can get her up whenever…
Abby: Kate is my only one up so far Jake is still out.
Lexa: How did they do?
Abby: Pretty good… Kate had an accident.
Lexa: That's been happening lately… I think it's because of the change of routine around here… Im sorry.
Abby: it's okay really she was on a rollaway bed when it happened so I just changed her and put her in with me…
Abby: Don't blame yourself, it's ok.
Abby: What do you think about 9?
Lexa: Sounds good, thanks Mom.
Abby: Of course see you then.
/
Clarke didn't want to move, but she had to pee. Raven had her leg and arms over her so she slid out slowly trying not to wake her. She was nearly free when she realized there was only one of her friends in bed with her. She creeped out of the room to the adjoining bathroom when she was done she quietly grabbed her phone and ventured down the hall out into the house to see if anyone was up. When she checked the time she noted it was only 5:30 AM she knew Octavia wasn't up, it was a Saturday morning. Just before she got to the living room she glanced into the guest room where the door was opened and she saw Octavia curled up with Lincoln passed out. She smiled seeing that her best friend had gotten up went into the guest room to sleep with her husband.
Clarke continued heading into the kitchen and pulled down the coffee and filters out of the cupboard, along with a mug and got the coffee started. She went to the couch as it was brewing and sat there starring at her phone. She was awake, she knew she was and she couldn't help it she wanted to text her.
Clarke: Hi
It wasn't much, but it was something.
Not even a minute before her phone was beeping in her hand.
Lexa: Hi
Clarke: How did you sleep?
Lexa: Okay, in the guest room with Anya… that bed is pretty comfortable.
Clarke smiled, the guest room bed was her mattress from right before she and Lexa moved in together. It was a fairly new bed, so they kept it for the guest room.
Clarke: You always did love that mattress…
Lexa: I did, I don't love it as much without you on it with me tho…
Clarke: Why didn't you sleep in our bed? It's much bigger.
Lexa: Just… couldn't. You're up early.
Clarke: As always, you too.
Lexa: Well, you know my body can't tell the difference between a Monday or a Saturday…
Clarke: Mine either… Between getting up to get your breakfast made and your lunch ready then being up with Kate right about this time… I am always up early now.
Lexa: And you used to love your sleep.
Clarke: Yeah, look what you did to me commander.
Lexa: You love it.
Clarke: I do mornings are my fave now I get some good alone time w/Kate after you go off to work. Shes so snuggly in the morning…. I should text and check on her.
Lexa: She is up, did good. Had an accident last night tho…
Clarke: Dammit.
Clarke: You talked to mom?
Lexa: I know. And yes, she texted me were going to go get coffee this morning … Anya is going to stay with the kids.
Clarke: I can come home if you need.
Lexa: Well I want you to come home of course… but Anya is here and we're going at 9. I figured Raven would make breakfast when she is up and you can hang out with the girls.
Clarke: I can bring the girls with me and Raven can make breakfast for the family…
Lexa: Whatever you want to do love Anya is here either way.
Clarke: I will talk to Rae when she wakes up.
Lexa: Sounds good.
Lexa: this is nice.
Clarke: What is?
Lexa: Just… texting.
Lexa: like… normal.
Clarke: Yeah, I know.
Clarke: I needed this this morning.
Lexa: Me too.
Lexa: Do you want to maybe…
Clarke: Lexa! One I am sitting on O and L's couch. Two…. Everyone's asleep, and three… Im still in no way over any of this… so no I don't want to sext…
Lexa: hahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahaha!
Clarke: I am glad you think it's funny…
Lexa: I was going to say go for a drive or something today… I didn't get the other text to you before you assumed.
Lexa: But I like where you head went ;)
Clarke: …. Oh.
Clarke: Well…. Yeah… I am still…. Alive. :'D
Lexa: I am dying… hahahahahhaha
Clarke: Well I am glad I can amuse you….
Lexa: And don't act like it would be the first time we have done something dirty in an inappropriate setting.
Clarke: Movie theater…
Lexa: Driving to New York.
Clarke: Octavia and Lincoln's wedding.
Lexa: twice!
Clarke: My mom's house…
Lexa: in the living room while she was in the shower.
Clarke: Airport bathroom.
Lexa: airplane… multiple times my favorite being the trip to Paris where we didn't even leave our lay-flat seats…
Clarke: We are horrible.
Lexa: it's amazing.
Clarke: yes, btw. I will go on a drive or something with you later…
Lexa: thank you…
Clarke: You're welcome.
Lexa: I gotta shower before your mom gets here….
Clarke: Okay
Lexa: I love you
Clarke: I love you too.
Raven came out from down the hall her hair in a newly put up pony tail yawning.
"Morning Rae"
"Coffee" Raven said.
"Fresh pot made…" Raven was heading for the kitchen but Clarke could see her friend limping some. "Rae, come sit, I'll get it for you."
Raven just nodded not fighting with her best friend and Clarke got up and got her a cup of coffee, splashing some milk in it and putting a ridiculous amount of sugar in it like she knew Raven took it. She sat back down on the couch and handed her the cup.
"Take Prostie off and let me rub it" Clarke said motioning towards Raven's leg.
"No…" Raven shook her head.
"It hurts Rae and my guess is your stubborn self hasn't let Anya in on the secret yet, I haven't rubbed it in weeks and you know you can't get it as good yourself."
Raven just nodded and began to unfasten her leg removing it, Clarke had seen her do it so many times before but yet Raven always seemed a bit uneasy doing it around her. She lost her leg when she was seventeen she was out for a run and was hit by a car. Clarke and Octavia were both there for the dark times that fell after, but once she became accustom to the prosthetic and began therapy for both her body and her mind, Raven started to become Raven again.
"There" Raven said putting her leg up for Clarke. Clarke scooted closer, and touched it softly first, examining the skin around it.
"Raven…" Clarke winced.
"I know" Raven said.
"What the hell…" It was starting to blister, "You can't wear your leg when it's like this… you know that!"
"I know" Raven nodded.
"Why haven't you been using your crutches?"
Raven just shrugged.
"She won't care, Rae" Clarke said softly.
"It's me not her" Raven said.
"Has she seen you without it?" Raven asked.
"Yes" Raven told her, "A lot."
"So…"
"I don't know, I only take it off for sleep and when were in bed and one morning last month when it was really bugging me" Raven told her.
"Raven it's been bad for a month?" Clarke shook her head.
"Yeah" Raven nodded, "I need a new one…"
"Then get a new one Rae."
"I can't afford it right now" Raven said.
"Well…"
"Don't even finish that sentence!" Raven warned her.
"Your so stubborn Rae, it's not like we can't afford it."
"Clarke!"
"Okay…" Clarke said dropping it, "Can you at least stop wearing that one till this heals?"
Raven sighed.
"I will tell her Rae, you either do it or I will. You can't let this get bad you know the risks."
"I know" Raven nodded.
"Thank you" Clarke said.
"Hey people" Octavia said walking out into the living room.
"Hey" Clarke smiled.
"Hi" Raven said, glancing towards her leg.
"Relax, he's a sleep but even still it's not a big deal Rae" Octavia said.
"Did you wear him out?" Raven smirked.
"No" Octavia said getting herself a cup of coffee then joining her friends on the couch. "I didn't even end up in there until like four thirty this morning. I just woke up and needed to go lay with him, I'm sorry" she looked to Clarke.
"I had Rae I was fine I get it… I had to text Lexa this morning" Clarke shrugged.
Raven hit her. "Ouch! What was that for?"
"Because I have been up for like twenty minutes and you had yet to mention you talked to your wife" Raven said.
"That's because I haven't REALLY talked to her yet, we just texted about stupid stuff this morning. I just needed her, I guess" Clarke said.
"Understandable" Octavia said.
"But she is going to breakfast or coffee or something with my mom at nine Anya is watching the kids at my house, I thought maybe we could all go over there? I was going to suggest Rae make family breakfast but…"
"But what I would love to" Raven said.
Clarke looked at her leg.
"I am ok… I promise I won't put Prostie back on, okay?"
Octavia laughed, "How did that name stick from junior year?"
"It was all her" Raven pointed.
"It was Christmas time and cold…. and I was just… I don't know" Clarke laughed.
"So family breakfast?" Octavia asked.
"Yes!" Raven said, "I miss Anya."
"Eeww" Octavia and Clarke laughed.
"Says the girl who crawled into bed with her husband this morning and the other one who texted her wife as soon as she opened her eyes" Raven scoffed.
"Okay point" Octavia said "I will wake Lincoln and we can go."
"Just Pj's right, cause I don't wanna …" Raven trailed off.
"God yes, it's my house and Saturday family breakfast" Clarke said.
"Perfect" Raven said.
/
The four of them arrived at Clarke's house a little after nine as much as she wanted to see Lexa she didn't and wanted to get there after she knew she'd be gone.
"Mommy!" Kate said, but as soon as she saw her auntie's and uncle she ran for them.
"Haha old news" Octavia said scooping up Kate.
"Can I at least have a kiss?" Clarke said kissing the little blonde in her auntie's arms "Where is brother?"
"With Yaya, on couch… Rae-Rae, no leg?"
"Not today Kate, just crutches" Raven smiled at her niece.
"Where Prostie?" Kate asked.
All three girls cracked up.
"In the car taking a nap" Raven told her.
"Ohhhh okay" Kate nodded.
"I am going to go say hi to your Yaya and then make breakfast, want to help me?"
"Yes!" Kate said.
They all made their way into the family room, Raven sat next to her girlfriend. "Hi, babe" Anya said pecking her lips quick.
"Hi, I am going to make breakfast" Raven said "just wanted to say hi first."
"Well hi" Anya said nudging her with her shoulder, "You look cute in your pj's."
"Hi Auntie Rae" Jake said snuggled into Anya not taking his eyes off the tv.
"Hi Bud" Raven said, "Your uncle Lincoln and Auntie O are here too, with Mom."
"Mom is back?"
"Yeah, they were right behind me I thought" Raven said.
"Hey" Lincoln said walking in.
"Uncle Linc!" Jacob got up off the couch and jumped into his arms.
"Hey buddy" Lincoln said.
Lincoln and Jake had always had a very special bond Clarke knew it was because Lincoln was really the only male in Jacob's life, besides Bellamy.
"Can we play catch today?" Jacob asked excited.
"Of course we can" Lincoln said "I believe we are here all day for family day."
"Is Uncle Bell coming over too?" Jacob asked.
"Oh crap I should probably text him and see what he's doing…"Octavia laughed.
"Yeah, you should" Clarke said.
"Okay kiss me again then go cook, these kids are hungry" Anya said.
"Yes ma'am" Raven said kissing her girlfriend one more time.
"I'll go with you" Clarke said.
"And me" Kate said, "Hold me Rae-rae?"
"I can't today honey" Raven said.
"Come here, mommy will hold you" Clarke said.
"Yet another reason I don't like to not wear my leg" She looked to Clarke, "I can't hold her."
"She will live for a few weeks." Clarke laughed.
/
"So what's really going on Lex?" Abby said they were sitting in a park drinking coffee.
"I just told you" Lexa said, she had just gotten done giving Abby the run through on the past few weeks.
"No, you told me why you and Clarke have been fighting, but what's really going on with you?" Abby asked. "Why are you throwing yourself into work again, you know what you committed to when you started this company so, what's up?"
Lexa sighed.
"Lexa… You can talk to me, you know this."
"I know" Lexa nodded.
"So" Abby pressed for more.
"This is what I do" Lexa started, "This is my role to play in our family".
"I'm not following you" Abby said.
"I don't have the nurturing gene I don't have the Mom gene like she does. She's the Mom, I am the Mother." Lexa looked to Abby but she didn't say anything instead she just looked at Lexa to say go on. "I didn't have a Mom, I had a mother. Growing up I had someone who made sure I had what I needed, that I was taken care of, financially and physically. Clarke grew up with you she had a mom, someone who did those things and more took care of her emotionally, as well. My mom was never there and I know she didn't ever really want to be there. I didn't have that, so I feel like I am incapable of being that. I can be the parent who provides, who makes sure they have what they need… I am good at that part."
"Lexa…" Abby said "You are already all those things. You love those kids SO much anyone can see that, you play with them and snuggle them. You are already so much better than she was" Abby said softly. "My guess is when she was gone you didn't ask for her, did you?"
"No I asked for my aunt or my Nanny" Lexa said.
"See, those kids they ask for their Momma, Lexa. They light up when they see you and you them. Yesterday when you got to Jake's game the second Kate saw you, who did she want? You. And Jake, as soon as he came off that felid who did he run too? You, Lexa. You have to see that you have always been better than she ever was and that you do have that gene, you are nurturing and soft with them. You care about them Lexa, more than anything in this world and I know that. So don't run away from them… Don't pull away from them, for their sake and for yours their only little once Lex, don't miss that." Abby put her hand on Lexa's shoulder, tears forming in Lexa's eyes.
"Thank you" Lexa said.
"I didn't do anything, Lexa. I just told you what was already there."
"You always know, you always know when there is something going on" Lexa said.
"You came into my life when you were twenty-one Lexa, I got to know you pretty well" Abby said.
"You have been more of a mom to me than she ever was."
"And I am so proud of you, Lexa." Abby pulled her in so her head was on her shoulder and kissed her hair. "I love you and I love those babies you gave me, being a grandma is incredible. I can't wait till this next one comes out looking just like you."
"I am worried about that…" Lexa said.
"Why you're cute" Abby smiled.
Lexa laughed, "The genes thing, I'm kinda messed up."
"You're fine, Lexa. How's the anxiety been?" Abby asked.
"Was great until about three weeks ago" Lexa told her.
Well, you need to get this all figured out before it gets bad again."
"I know" Lexa nodded.
"And you need to tell Clarke its creeping back up" Abby said.
"Okay…" Lexa said hesitantly.
"I love you, Lexa" Abby said.
"I love you too" Lexa said.
"Should we get back to the house, I hear its family day and Raven cooked."
"Sounds great" Lexa smiled.
/
Abby and Lexa had been home a few hours everyone was at the house now even Bellamy made his way over. Currently he and Lincoln were outside with Jacob playing catch while Lexa, Anya and Kate were sitting outside on the deck watching them.
Clarke, Octavia, and Raven were sitting on the couch still in pajama's with the tv on in the background, though they were paying no attention to it.
"So" Octavia asked "Have you even said anything to each other?"
"Other than hey, No" Clarke shook her head.
"You need to talk to her Clarke" Raven said.
"I will, but I am really enjoying family day."
"Wouldn't you rather talk to her early so you can enjoy family day with her too?" Abby asked walking in standing behind the couch.
"Yes" Clarke sighed "Why do you have to always be right?"
Abby shrugged "I'm a mom, it's what we do."
"Yeah you know that" Raven said, "You have Mom-logic remember?"
"Okay, I will go see if she wants to go for a drive now" Clarke said. "I imagine there are enough of you guys here to assume my kids are fine, yes?"
"Of course" Octavia said.
"No, were all going to leave when you do" Raven rolled her eyes.
"Go" Abby said.
Clarke wandered out to the back porch and walked over to where Lexa and Anya were sitting Kate now playing with her uncles and brother in the grass.
"Hey" she said to her wife.
"Hi" Lexa said.
"Um, I was wondering if you wanted to talk now…" Clarke asked.
"Yeah, you wanna go somewhere or just go to our room?"
"I figured I could get dressed and we could drive around some, or find a spot to talk?"
"I think that sounds good" Lexa nodded, "Just come get me when you're ready."
"Will do" Clarke nodded, then smiled at Anya and headed back into the house.
/
About twenty minutes later Lexa and Clarke snuck out of the house so the kids wouldn't freak out, though all of their family was there they wanted to avoid the "can we go with you" question.
"I don't want to fight with you" Lexa said.
"Me either" Clarke said as Lexa drove, "but you need to understand that there have been some things happening lately that I can't take anymore."
"I know" Lexa said softly "I understand that."
"And I… I have been really mad at you Lexa because I feel like you just gave up, like you just checked out on me and the kids and left us to do this alone."
"I am sorry" Lexa said, "That was never my intention…"
"So your intention is to go to Syria and then what?" Clarke asked.
Lexa had driven them down near the river and parked in a pretty quiet spot.
"So" Lexa said, turning off the car she just looked at Clarke "First, I need you to know I was never going to go to Syria, ever. I wasn't even considering it."
"No?" Clarke asked.
"Of course not, how could you think that I would leave you?" Lexa asked.
"You haven't really been around, Lex" Clarke said.
"Fair but Syria, Clarke?"
"Well… I guess I just got scared you missed it."
"I am not going to say that I don't, but it's not my life anymore and I don't want it to be" Lexa said honestly.
"Okay" Clarke said. "But you have been so MIA Lex"
"I know, and it isn't okay"
"You're right, but you have continued to do it anyways" Clarkes said.
"I know" Lexa nodded, "And I have no excuses for it besides to tell you that I need to explain somethings…"
"Alright…"
"So I talked to your mom this morning…"
"Mom" Clarke said, "She's not just my mom, Lex."
Lexa just nodded, "She always knows when there is something going on… with me which there sorda is." Lexa took a deep breath. "I guess I have kinda been immersing myself into work because I feel like that is all I am good for in this family."
"What?" Clarke asked.
"Like, you're the mom, you're the sensitive nurturing parent and I'm… the provider. I am good at that part, Clarke… I know how to play that role. I don't feel like I play the other as well, not like you, you're the best mom."
"Lexa…" Clarke said. "You're an amazing mom."
"I just… I didn't have the role models you did as parents. My parents just made sure I didn't want for anything but they were never around. I can do that, I can provide."
"We need you for more than that Lex…" Clarke said.
"I know" Lexa said, tears forming in her eyes "and I want to be more than that, I love those kids more than anything in this whole world… I just want to be a good mom" Lexa said.
"You are and you have been for Seven years. Where is this coming from all of the sudden?" Clarke asked confused.
"I don't know" Lexa said putting her head in her hands. "I knew when I stated this company I needed to watch my balance, because I know how I can be with work. But I got on a roll and I was good at it, and before I knew it I had this mindset of I needed to be the provider that it was my role in the family."
"Well it's not, I mean yes you provide for us Lex. But let's be honest… we don't need the money really. We are more than set up between the inheritance, your retirement from the military and the investments you've made. What we need Lex, both the kids and me is you" Clarke said.
"I know and I realize that, I'm sorry I am… just… I feel like since I've been fucking up all the time, I am… drowning."
"The anxiety?" Clarke asked.
"Yeah some" Lexa said.
"Lexa…"
"I know, and I know I should have said something, but to be honest I didn't want to make it sound like an excuse and every time we've tried to talk lately we just yell and scream" Lexa sighed.
"I know I hate it" Clarke said.
"Me too" Lexa nodded.
"So, we fix it." Clarke said.
"I just…" Lexa started.
"What?"
"Until this first group is sent off, I'm not going to be able to pull back too much… I want to, I really do, but I've already made commitments and need to get them over there" Lexa played with her hands.
"Some?" Clarke asked.
Lexa nodded looking up "Yes, I will commit to some."
Clarke shrugged, "Well then we just have to get through the next few months and then hopefully we can get back to some normal after that."
"I promise once I get the first group there and set, I'm scaling back" Lexa said.
"Okay… I will take that" Clarke said "but you need to really mean that."
"I really mean it" Lexa nodded.
"Alright" Clarke sighed.
"What about everything else?" Lexa asked.
"We move past it."
"Even though you said you wanted me to find an apartment and only see the kids every other weekend?" Lexa asked.
"I'm sorry" Clarke said "really, I was mad and I shouldn't have said it."
"I don't want it to ever come to that though" Lexa wiped tears from her eyes. "I'd give up everything before I let that happen."
"I want to believe that Lexa" Clarke sighed.
"I will show you, I never want to live without you or the kids."
"Sometimes you can just pull so far away though Lexa, you can't do that. We're a team, I am here for you."
"I know, I don't mean to. I'm sorry I will work on it" Lexa nodded.
"And I'm sorry when I get hurt I push you away" Clarke looked at Lexa with such sad eyes.
"I want us back, I don't want to lose us" Lexa said softly.
"Me either never leave," Clarke kissed Lexa "no matter how hard I can push."
"As long as you don't let me go, no matter how hard I pull" Lexa said.
"Deal" Clarke smiled.
"Deal" Lexa kissed her again.
/
