A/N: "Risk! Risk anything! Care no more for the opinions of others, for those voices. Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face the truth."

Katherine Mansfield

"Bella? Wake up sleepyhead."

Tiredly I opened my eyes and looked into Alice's face.

"Is it already time?" I looked around to find a clock but didn't have any luck.

"I let you sleep the longest I dared. It's 10:15, so you still have time to get ready and eat breakfast with us and I'm sorry I fell asleep but all of a sudden I was so tired. But when I woke up I looked like a raccoon because I didn't get the make-up off."

Right now I pictured Alice like one and had to snicker.

"Thank you for waking me up. Normally I don't sleep so long but yesterday was quite a day, I'll just get done and then I'll join you."

"Ok. I just go downstairs and help mom. See you later."

I blinked while my eyes tried to adjust to the brightness of the room. Alice had opened her window and fresh air was streaming in. It felt like it could be a good day.

In less than ten minutes I got dressed and brushed my teeth. Just before it hit 10:30 I was standing in the kitchen and smelled the delicious pancakes.

Actually I hadn't noticed how hungry I had been. Yesterday had been so exciting that I simply forgot to eat properly.

"Good morning Bella, please take a seat and enjoy the food," Esme said while looking like a picture perfect housewife of the 50'ies. She wore an apron with sweet, little cupcakes on it and her hair was soft and curly.

"Thank you," I replied and sat next to Rose. She and Emmet had already been here, while Alice was putting some stuff into the dishwasher. Edward was nowhere to be seen.

"There you go." Esme put a big, golden pancake on my plate and my mouth was watering.

"You really have to try them Bella, they are so dainty," Rose said smiling and handed me the syrup.

After that Alice and Esme sat down and while we ate, we listened to The Beatles and Emmet was telling some crazy stories from work. I didn't ask where Edward was, but wondered anyways.

But just as I was thinking about him he turned the corner and I had to suppress the impulse to lower my eyes and stare at my half eaten pancake.

He looked as tired as I felt. His hair stuck out more than usual and he had dark circles under his eyes.

"Mornin'," he grumbled and sat down opposite to me.

"Good morning sweetheart, did you sleep well?" Esme asked and poured some coffee into his mug.

"Was okay," Edward mumbled and I noticed how his eyes found mine until he looked away seconds later.

"The party had really been a success mom and so much fun. I've seen Cailie and Finn again and they invited me back home."

"That's nice of them Alice. But I thought Forks was home now?"

"Yeah well…"

I heard a clunk and saw Edward staring at her in disbelieve.

"Really mom? You know why we moved here, it's not because we love the woods and deadly bored people. Chicago had been our home all along!" Edward said and stuffed some food into his mouth.

Esme looked a little bit sad but tried to smile nonetheless.

"I'm sorry kids, I just wanted to do what was best for you."

"It's okay mom. Edward's just in a bad mood again," Alice said in a teasing voice.

Edward just shook his head and stared at his plate.

A few seconds of awkward silence followed until Rose started a new conversation.

Next I got back to Alice's room and packed my bag.

"We should do that more often Bella. But next time I'll stay awake a little longer."

"I'm looking forward to it because we really have to watch this one movie I just forgot the title of."

"Yeah we can do that," she said grinning. "By the way, Edward was so nice to offer his qualities as driver to bring you home. I would have done it myself but I promised my mom to help her with one of her projects and therefore we have to go to Port Angeles."

"Nah it's fine and very nice of Edward."

"I told you he isn't that bad," Alice said playfully and patted my shoulder.

We walked downstairs Esme, Rose and Emmet awaiting us.

"Edward's already in his car and thank you for coming Bella, it was very nice having you here. I hope you'll visit more often," Esme said and engulfed me again in a quick but sweet hug.

"See you Bella, maybe you can visit our shop sometime," Rose said shaking my hand. Just as Emmet did.

Alice also gave me a hug and told me that she was looking forward to lunch tomorrow in school.

After that I walked outside and got into Edward's car. He had already turned on some music and I listened to the relaxing Drive by Incubus.

"Thanks Edward for bringing me home."

"It's no big deal," he said in a clipped tone and looked straight on the road.

Actually my house wasn't that far away from the Cullen's home but as far as I knew we drove the opposite direction.

"Edward, where are we going? You do know where I live."

"I do, just wanted to take a little detour. You're not a fan of surprises, are you?" He asked and gave me a short side glance.

"Depends on who wants to surprise me," I said partially excited and tense at the same time.

"So that means you don't trust me," he stated and ran his hand through his disarrayed hair.

"Trust is something you have to earn. It's not given easily. I think that's common sense," I said snappy.

He chuckled softly and looked at me again. "Please press song number eight and just listen."

The air was filled with heavy sounds. My eyes almost filled themselves with tears. It felt brokenhearted.

You in the dark
You in the pain
You on the run
Living a hell
Living your ghost
Living your end
Never seem to get in the place that I belong
Don't wanna lose the time, lose the time to come

"The song is called Letting the cables sleep by Bush. I really… Like it," Edward explained and I didn't comment but listened intently.

Whatever you say, it's alright
Whatever you do, it's all good
Whatever you say, it's alright

Silence is not the way
We need to talk about it
If heaven is on the way
If heaven is on the way

"It's a very sad song Edward. When do you listen to it? I probably couldn't bear it for very long."

"Mostly when I was deep down in shit and just needed time to think. I know, it can drag one down but I think right now it's the perfect song for our situation."

You in the sea
On a decline
Breaking the waves
Watching the lights go down
Letting the cables sleep

Whatever you say, it's alright
Whatever you do, it's all good
Whatever you say, it's alright

Silence is not the way
We need to talk about it
If heaven is on the way
We'll wrap the world around it
If heaven is on the way
If heaven is on the way

"Actually it's quite beautiful," I whispered and a single tear rolled down my cheek.

"It can bring out the worst Bella. But sometimes there is a special beauty over tragedy. I think it's just like you and me."

"What do you mean?" I asked him confused.

I'm a stranger in this town
I'm a stranger in this town
I'm a stranger in this town

If heaven is on the way
If heaven is on the way

I'm a stranger in this town
I'm a stranger in this town

"I'll tell you but right now we're almost there." He said and pointed ahead on the road.

I recognized that he had driven to the reservation in LaPush. Could it be that he..?

"Are we going to the beach?" I asked him surprised.

"You're right. I don't come here very often but sometimes it's just the perfect place to be."

"I know. I actually love this place. It just surprises me that you have chosen this out of all."

"It's not all black and white Bella. Never forget this," he replied and parked the car.

It were almost the same words Alice had used. While he was grey I felt pitch black.

After that we got out of the vehicle and walked slowly over the sandy ground. It was a little bit cold and windy but the sun was shining. Above all I didn't want to look at the cliff. It was just too early to forget what I had tried to do. Actually it pretty much hurt.

Now I was here with him. He constantly overstepped my borders and it seemed there was nothing I could do about it.

Edward picked some stones from the sand and tossed them into the water, where they were swallowed by the sea.

"You're all right Bella? You look kinda pale."

What was there to reply when I couldn't express myself with words?

"I just can't explain Edward. I'm just a little bit overwhelmed that's all."

I stepped beside him and watched him throwing the little rocks.

"Does the beach remind you of something or is it because of me?"

"Both," I replied without any hesitation.

I got an idea and so I unpacked my IPod. I gave one ear bud to Edward and one was put into my ear, then I looked for the right song and pressed play.

"Not everything she's singing applies to my feelings or actions but most of it does."

Now I will tell you what I've done for you
50 thousand tears I've cried
Screaming deceiving and bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me

Don't want your hand this time I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once

Not tormented daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I'd reach the bottom
I die again

I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under

Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
So I don't know what's real and what's not
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore
I die again

I'm so go and scream
Scream at me I'm so far away
I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe I can't keep going under

I die again
I'm going under
drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under
Going under
I'm going under

During the whole song Edward hadn't move and it seemed that he was in deep thought. It was kinda freeing and angsty. Here at the beach I made myself bare so that Edward would see everything what was left of me.

After a couple of minutes he finally spoke but still looked at the crushing waves.

"So that's the way you feel about me?" Was the only thing he asked.

"Mostly yes but can you resent me for it?"

He shook his head and looked at me.

"No I can't. It's just…" Frustrated he almost ripped some of his hair out. "Everything's so confused and I know I'm an asshole. I knew it for so long but cannot change my way. I know I'm fucked up and leashed out on you but…"

"Edward, this week I tried to jump off that cliff because I had had enough of my pitiful life. Just a coincidental meeting saved my life." I blurted out.

It was almost too agonizing to look at him. I saw how his face changed and the life from his eyes drained slowly.

"You really wanted to jump?" He asked in disbelieve.

"I didn't come here with the intention to do it but when I was up there it all came down together and I wanted to do it, so yes."

Edward swallowed audible.

"I'm… I am sorry Isabella," was all he was able to say with a pleading look in his eyes.

"I'm sorry, too Edward. I'd wish it never had come this way. I never had thought that I would be telling you this. But you were so many firsts I stopped counting. Whatever happened, happened."

In this moment I didn't feel much anymore.

"Oh and by the way what did you mean about beauty and tragedy?"

His right foot drew pictures into the sand while he was speaking.

"There can be so much beauty in tragedy. Desperation and pain mixed with desire and lust. We are just like that. A big mixture of all these elements. Because you have problems and I have and they are interweaved with each other. We have more in common than you think Bella."

Right now the only thing I could feel was emptiness and coldness.

"Edward, I think it's really enough. Please bring me home, I just want to be alone and not bothered with any of this. You confuse me, everything about you fucks me up. And I don't want you to drag me down any further."

"No Bella, you can't just leave like that!" He said loudly.

"You bet I can! I'm so tired of being tossed around by your mood swings!" I took one step away.

"First you treat me like dirt for almost four fucking years, then you came to my house and cried, then you acted almost normal in Seattle and then you kissed me at the party. I never said that I wanted this all. Y o u chose my actions, not me. But no more. I'm done," I said in an emphatic voice.

Edward still didn't seem to understand.

"I don't know what it's so painful in your life Edward, but I hope that you get yourself together. For your own sake. I already have enough blackness in me, I don't need yours also."

Sadly I watched the sky and the fast moving clouds.

Edward sighed and got down on his knees. He stared at me in disbelieve.

"Now I finally pushed you away also. I'm really a monster, am I?"

I didn't need long time to respond,

"No you aren't but you let yourself controlled by your inner demons. They get the worst of you. In the last hours I got to know a slightly different side of you. But still you are careful not to reveal too much of yourself. I don't know what you see in me but whatever it is, let it go."

Slowly he got up again.

"How can it be that you can see me like that? It's like you look directly into me, into my soul…"

I turned to him and searched his eyes.

"Because it takes someone lost to know another one," I said smiling heavy-hearted.

"Can I hug you?" Edward asked apprehensively.

"Yes you can."

He pulled me to his body and circled me with his arms. His head was on my shoulder again and I pressed myself against his chest.

I heard him whispering into my ear,

"It's like losing something I never had. I love you Bella. I always had and I'm sorry that I fucked up to show you that."

Totally shocked I looked at him.

"You said what?"

"I said that I'm a fucking loser and I'm…"

All of a sudden he sniffed and was rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands.

I knew that he tried really hard not to cry. It felt like we just broke up and he freaking told me, that he loved me!

"Oh my God, I'm such a girl. But I just can't take it any longer Bella. I just can't live with myself anymore. What I have done to you and others. I'm a fucking mistake."

It was painful to watch because my heart was also aching. It was screaming for him.

I walked over to him and took his hands away. His eyes were red and he tried to avoid my look.

"Edward, please… Maybe we should just start this slowly. You know? I mean normally we never really talked that much before or had anything to do with each other, so there will be no big difference."

"Why are you trying to console me Bella? You should leave me rotten."

"Because nothing gets ever better from self-loathing. I think you have a lot of things to deal with and maybe should get help."

It was strange. Now I was the one giving the same advices I had been told. But he really seemed to be broken and troubled.

"Guess you're right," he said and brushed with his fingers over my skin.

After a few seconds he asked,

"You wanna get back before I totally embarrass myself any further?"

"You're not embarrassing, just overwhelming and yes, let's get back."

We made our way back to the car and as we drove the 40 minutes so many thoughts and questions were running through my head, that I really needed a break before it would explode. Edward was so complex and he said things, I had never ever thought he would be the one to say them.

Who was this guy?

A radio station was starting to play a song and Edward wanted to turn it down immediately but I stopped his hand and listened,

I'm walking in the shadow of my tempted soul
Time is ticking by
While I'm chatting with this bottle of wine
I know that I'm not perfect
I'll admit that I'm a fool
I'm always getting lost
But always finding my way back to you, the one
I need when I'm awake.

Take me Home
I wanna go
And I'm sorry I can't love you
I'm sorry I can't make you see who I am.

Did he see it coming?
Dying in a bath of shame?
While all his hopes past him by
And all his fears had killed him dry?
I can see what he was thinking
It's so easy if you try
Because killing yourself with a silver dagger just to show how much you love her
Is worth the pain
Then to hear her cry your name.

Take me Home
I wanna go
And I'm sorry I can't love you
I'm sorry I can't make you see who I am.

I can't go on, I can't live like this
And I can't go on, I can't live like this.
And I can't go on, I can't live like this...

Take me Home
I wanna go
And I'm sorry I can't love you
I'm sorry I can't make you see who I am.

It broke my heart all over again. It was like I wanted to rescue him from his shadows, while mine still lingered over me.

But some minutes later I couldn't take it anymore and fell into a restless sleep.

I was awoken when Edward touched my shoulder.

"We're here Bella."

"Oh, really?" I asked and saw that we stood in the driveway of my home. Dad hadn't returned yet.

Edward opened my door and walked me to the porch.

"So that's a goodbye then?"

"It's not all black and white Edward, think about it." Were my only words as I entered the house and didn't look back because I couldn't stand his heartbroken face.