After several hours of heavy sobbing, Tony fell out and did not wake again until morning. He stared for a moment at the sunrise, before drawing the blinds and stumbling to the bathroom. He found one of Jack's bath toys sitting on the floor and was hit by a massive wave of guilt. He was missing his son's life, while he wallowed around in his grief. He cried through his entire shower. He tossed on clean clothes and stumbled downstairs. Gibbs was sitting at the table, reading the newspaper.
"You had a rough night. Feeling any better?" Gibbs asked.
"No" Tony admitted.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Gibbs asked.
"No" Tony replied.
"Tony you have to open up." Gibbs reminded.
"You never did." Tony retorted.
"Yeah and look how my life turned out." Gibbs shot back.
"Look I am sorry but I cannot talk about Ziva anymore. It hurts enough just to think about her." Tony sighed.
"We don't have to talk now, but we have to talk eventually." Gibbs reasoned.
"Deal" Tony agreed.
By that afternoon, Tony was back in the NICU. Tali was still doing well but had developed a small fever overnight. The fever resulted in her losing just over an ounce, but the doctors assured that it was normal. By the time Tony arrived, there was no evidence that Tali had ever been poorly. She was giggling and kicking her feet. For a child born two and a half months early, she was doing remarkably well. She was a miniature Ziva inside and out. Tony knew that Ziva would still be here if her brain injury had not been so severe. Tony still had his doubts about his decision but doubted that Ducky would sugar coat the truth to protect his feelings. Tali kicked her legs again and let out a small laugh. For a second Tony was looking at Ziva in the incubator.
"You look so much like your mother." Tony told his daughter.
Tony stayed with Tali most of the afternoon but decided after a while. That he wanted to spend a little time with Jack. This would be his first time really interacting with son, since that first night. He wondered how Jack would react to him. He knew that his son had been hurt by his attack. He felt terrible for the way he had treated Jack. He was hurting but that was no excuse for his behavior. Gibbs had assured him that it was not his fault, but he was not so sure.
"Where's Jack?" Tony asked, entering the house.
"Up in his room. I was just going to play Go-Fish with him." Gibbs replied.
"You go down to the basement and have some you time. I want to spend a little time with Jack." Tony replied.
"Are you sure you are up for him on your own?" Gibbs asked.
"I think I can handle it." Tony assured.
"Well if you need back up just call me." Gibbs insisted.
Tony headed back upstairs and walked into Jack's room. His son was lying on the bed, playing with his teddy bear. Tony ached for his son, knowing how much he was missing Tiggly. Believe it or not, Tony actually had tried to get the toy back. He had called the police station, which had responded to the accident, but they did not have it. Though the officer did offer Jack one of their toys. He had called the junk yard, where the car had been taken but the did not find anything. Tony had even called the hospital but they did not find anything. The only thing Tony could figure was that Jack had dropped Tiggly when the paramedics were bringing him out of the car and in all the haste. The toy had been lost on the street.
"Jack" Tony called.
"Abba!" Jack cried.
"Do you want to play Go Fish?" Tony asked.
"With the Nemo cards?" Jack questioned.
"Did Grandpa Gibbs pack those?" Tony asked.
"Here!" Jack cried, with drawing the pack.
"Alright well I will get us set up." Tony replied.
Tony did remarkably well during the game. He even smiled when Jack celebrated his first personal victory. The moment of joy was soon replaced by great sorrow, Ziva had missed Jack winning at Go-Fish for the first time. The first in an endless list of milestones, Ziva would miss. Just when Tony did not think his heart could break any more. Jack looked up at him, with his soulful green eyes.
"Abba?" Jack questioned.
"What is it, Jack?" Tony asked.
"Where Ima?" Jack questioned.
"Jack, Ima is gone. She's dead. I don't know where exactly she is but I just know that she is never coming back." Tony explained.
"Why?" Jack questioned.
"Sometimes life is just cruel." Tony explained.
Having to explain about Ziva was the last Tony could handle. It came as relief when Gibbs informed him that dinner was ready. He forced down about half of a chicken cutlet and a small serving of green beans. Solely for the purpose of satisfying Gibbs. He helped Jack eat his dinner but excused himself before desert was served. He grabbed a barf bucket, before returning to his bedroom. He just knew that his dinner was going to come back up. His stomach was in knots and he was sobbing again by then. Sure enough barely fifteen minutes later. He was puking up half chewed chicken and green beans. He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and laughed at his rapid weight loss. In a cruel twist of fate, becoming a widower was the best diet he had ever tried.
"Tony?" Vance called from the doorway.
"What's up?" Tony asked.
"Gibbs had to go into work." Vance explained.
"Gibbs took off to take care of Jack and me." Tony reminded.
"The new case is similar to one Gibbs worked years ago. He is crucial." Vance explained.
"Oh" Tony replied.
"He sent me here to keep and eye on you and Jack." Vance explained.
"What about the kids?" Tony asked.
"Kayla is away at boarding school and Jared is with me." Vance explained.
"How long?" Tony asked.
"Gibbs should be done in a few days and Kayla is only gone until March." Vance explained.
"No how long until everything stops reminding you of them?" Tony asked.
"I still see stuff that reminds me of Jackie." Vance replied.
"Awesome" Tony scoffed.
"But it does get easier to live with. In fact one day the memories were welcome." Vance explained.
A/N: At least Tony is keeping it together around Jack now. New chapter will be up soon. Please review and thanks for reading.
