Chapter 9 Yes, No, Maybe So

Olivia sat in the church pew debating why. She looked at the statue at the front of the church, feeling for some reason it was mocking her. It was a cross draped with a sheet. "You don't scare me."

"I hope not." Father Ray sat behind Olivia in the next row. "It's meant to give comfort." He leaned over the back of the seat catching Olivia's eyes. "You wanted to talk."

"Yea and it's not about that this is serious." Olivia sat sideways on the bench

Father Ray lifted his eyes brows smiling at Olivia. I guess you're assault isn't serious enough to talk about but serious enough for you to self medicate. "I'm listening."

"Try to be objective." Olivia waited until he nodded his head. "Say you met someone and you really liked them."

"Like or like, like."

"Like, like. Say you really like them but it turns out they are married. If you knew they weren't happy…"

"I'm going to stop you right there. If they are married then you know it's a sin. You should wait till they are free to you absolutely."

"But what if they like you back but they won't leave? Think about it for a second. If they like you and you like them then what's the problem?"

"The problem is if they really loved you they would free themselves."

Olivia shook her head. "You have to see the way she looks at me. If you felt what I feel when I'm with her you wouldn't say that. For the first time I feel like someone really likes me. She's so giving, beautiful, and not to mention great in bed. Her husband can't appreciate her like I do."

"I want you listen to me Olivia." Father Ray reached over touching Olivia's shoulder. "You may not think it, or anyone else for that matter, but you are worth more than a couple of late night meetings between the sheets. You deserve better and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. If this woman really wanted you she would prove it." He gave her shoulder a light squeeze. "You have to take control of your life. I understand you have feelings for this woman but this can only end badly for you and you're the one who's going to lose. If you really like her and she likes you then she would be willing to sacrifice for you."

"So your saying I should make her choose me or him?"

"If you really want to see where this could go, it's the only way."

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Natalia rode in the passenger seat of Olivia's car, watching the darkness of the country road fly by.

Olivia half concentrated on the road and on her passenger. Natalia had been really quiet since they had met. "If you don't want to go..."

"I don't." Natalia said before Olivia could finish her sentence. She was tired of all the fancy restaurants and the constant slipping in and out of buildings. More so she didn't want Olivia to spend any more money on her, that's not what it was about. She wanted to be outside with Olivia in the fresh air. "The night is so beautiful I was thinking we could enjoy it. Like a picnic or something."

"A picnic sounds great." Olivia turned off the road into a hilly area she had been plenty of time before. Natalia had her twisted around her nimble fingers. Anything she wanted Olivia sprinted to get. If Natalia wanted a picnic, Olivia would make sure this was the best picnic she could put together, sans the food.

They settle down on the blanket. Natalia sat side ways between Olivia's legs, watching the stars. She counted and recounting, trying to decipher between planes and the actual stars.

Olivia sat watching the beautiful sight in front of her. Natalia was the only thing she was interested in tonight. The woman was the only thing she thought about, every though was based around their meetings. Olivia hated to admit it but she needed Natalia. She needed the sly looks and the smiles. The only things she wanted was for Natalia to tell her she felt the same. Sometimes it felt like a one way street, that feeling occurred more and more since her talk with father Ray.

"They're so beautiful." Natalia pointed to the sky.

"Not as beautiful as you." Olivia quipped back. She watched Natalia blush ducking her head in bashfulness. "I don't know, I think they came out to see you…So tell me more about a younger Natalia."

"I don't know. You know I went to college, which my mom suggested. She thought it would be good for me to get an education and me and Nicky were separated. But went he told them about my crush on my roommate they told me to come home."

"Do you always do what they tell you to do?"

Natalia shrugged her shoulders. "Sadly, yes." I did what everyone expects me to do. Quit school and had a child. That's what everyone said she should do. It what Nicky and her parents wanted, but not one ever asked her what she wanted.

"They wouldn't approve of this. What happens then?" Olivia tried her luck. She wanted Natalia to say she didn't care what they thought. If Natalia said that then she would know she could trust her not to run when everyone told her what a bad person Olivia and how she killed everything that she touched.

"No they wouldn't." Natalia thought for a second. It never really crossed her mind what would happen if her parents found out, just Nicky. I can't lie. It would probably end between us if anyone ever found out. More than likely I'll be dead. No matter how much Natalia felt for Olivia their relationship wasn't build to last. She couldn't say what would happen if anyone found out, even the people in the town. If people started talking, she would have to end it, for the safety of them both. "I don't know." Natalia felt Olivia stiffen against her side. She knew Olivia wanted some reassurance, but she really couldn't promise anything at the moment.

Olivia untangled herself from Natalia. She turned pulling her knees to the chin. The night was quickly going downhill. But it was something she needed to hear. She was too far entangled to see the big picture. Natalia was married that was the end all be all to the story. Nothing was going to change that simply fact, not their late night meeting or their all the nightly conversations. I guess Father Ray was partly right, Natalia doesn't love me but he was wrong because this was what I'm best at. And who's to say what I deserve because that's not what the world is based on. If it were, good people wouldn't die and people like me and Rodney would be wiped off the earth the day we were born.

Natalia watched helplessly as Olivia collapsed into herself.

"I can't do this anymore." It was a simple sentence Olivia spoke and for some reason she thought it would have more power: the power to rewind time, so she never met the woman beside her, the power to make one of them disappear or at least the power to stop her from feeling like she did. It hadn't done any of the above. It was still all there grow inside her chest, strangling her.

"You don't mean that." Natalia argued. She pulled Olivia arm from around her legs. "You know if things were different."

"If things were different…" Olivia scuffed. She had heard it plenty of times, from the police to ex lovers. It was the summary of her life. But things weren't different and she didn't have the power to change them.

"You don't understand." Natalia stroked Olivia face.

"That's true, I don't." The one thing Olivia couldn't and would never understand is why she continued this relationship. It was doomed from the beginning. She was the one who would lose. Natalia had a family. She got up every morning ripping herself away from Olivia and went home. Every morning she was left alone to look forward to the approaching night.

Natalia caught sight of her wedding ring as she caressed Olivia's face. There it was staring her in the face. The leash Nicky had on her, pulling her along the ride of life. Anything she said wouldn't mean anything, because Nicky was the one calling the shots. He said when and where she went. Seeing Olivia was the only thing he didn't control, and still she worked around his schedule. "You know how I feel." It didn't matter that neither of them had actually said how they felt. Natalia pushed Olivia legs flat onto the ground. "I don't know what you want me to do."

"I want you to leave me alone."

"No." Natalia sat on her heels.

"We should go."

Natalia pulled the fleeing woman back to the blanket. She straddled Olivia, making sure she had her full attention. Natalia swallowed the lump in her throat, giving Olivia an option. "If you really want to stop this, I will. But I want you to know that there is no one else I would rather be with, everyday of every second. I don't know why or when I fell for you but I did and I can't just make that go away…"

Olivia looked away. She hated being weak. Somewhere along the way she had lost all control of herself. Two opposing forces were controlling her life, cocaine and Natalia. She spent the night with the woman and the days with her other companion. The worst part is she didn't care. At the beginning of every day and night she gave them the power to make or break her. She had already decided to stay with Natalia. No matter how much she pulled away, the pull to the married woman was stronger. There was no more fooling herself; she was in it for the long haul.

"Look at me." Natalia tilted Olivia face up to hers, gaining her attention back. "I'm giving you the choice. If you want we can leave and forget this ever happened, but that's not what I want. Is that what you want?"

Olivia shook her head. "I want you."

"You have me." Natalia looked Olivia in the face and lied. Neither she nor Olivia believed it, but they both put on a brave front accepting the lie as truth. Natalia pushed Olivia back onto the blanket. "You ever made love under the stars."

"No." It wasn't a lie per se. She had had sex plenty of time outside, but she had never made love to another person. Natalia was the first person she ever wanted to label sex as making love. "You want to be my first?"

"And last." Natalia slipped her hand between them, unbuttoning Olivia's khakis. She slipped her hand between Olivia's legs, caressing Olivia's already slick bundle of nerves. She swallowed Olivia's moan with a kiss. She loved to be on top of Olivia. She loved hearing the woman moan and whimper with need. Natalia stroked Olivia's heat until the millionaire was in frenzy.

Olivia's hands tangled in Natalia's shirt, stretching it.

Natalia moved her hand lower. She had never been inside of another woman; she wanted Olivia to be her first. Her finger pressed against Olivia's entrance.

Olivia twisted away from the breath taking kiss. "No." She pulled at Natalia hands moving it away from her delicate opening.

"What's wrong?" Natalia asked breathlessly. Olivia had a firm grip on her arm, she couldn't move it if she wanted to. "I want to make you feel good. I want you to feel the way you make me feel." Natalia looked down at Olivia who had her eyes closed.

"Soon." Olivia clasped her hand with Natalia moving them both back to her clit. She held their hands still as her hip grinded against them.

Natalia decided to let the subject go. How can I argue with her like this? Natalia took control of the pace; she caressed Olivia in alternating circles, never keeping one pattern for too long. She could feel Olivia's body start to tighten before coming to a grinding halt. "That's it baby. Cum for me."

Olivia mouths fell agape as her body was set on fire. It raced through her veins shutting down her brain and rendering her limps useless. In her mind Natalia was free, making love to her in their bed. In her head she repeated something she would never say too loud to anyone. I love you. I love you. I love you.

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Of all the places to go the police department had have a function at Olivia's hotel. Natalia stood at the bar while Nicky talked to some of his new friends. She was bored out of her mind. She looked around to see Blake and Frank traveling through the crowd.

Frank was practically dragging Blake behind him. She spotted Olivia's friend, Doris, walking towards the pair. Natalia didn't know why but she felt like something was about to happen. It was small; she was probably the only one who noticed, because she was watching them.

Doris had walked by Blake. Their hands brushed across each other, lingering until they were out of reach. When they passed both women looked back at each other intently. Doris faded into the crowd.

Natalia turned back to the bar. Maybe I'm seeing things. Natalia walked to the restroom and splashed water on her face. Things are going good so far. No sign of Olivia and no problems with Nicky. Maybe God likes you after all.

"I'm thirsty," a body pressed behind her.

Or he's really tempting you. "There's water." Natalia knew the voice. She knew the body even more. It turned her on and scared her. Anyone could walk in.

Looking in the mirror Natalia saw the black pant suit the millionaire wore. Power suits are so sexy. Her hand ran down the pant leg behind her.

"It's not that kind of thirst." Before an answer could be thought of Natalia was turned around and hoisted onto the sink.

"Olivia, someone could walk in." The small protest was ignored as a hand wondered up her dress. And I thought you looked sexy in jeans. Natalia hands pulled at the lapels of the jacket.

"You know I love it when you wear dresses. It makes for such easy access." Olivia's hands wasted no time finding Natalia's spot.

"Ahhhh, me too."

"Come upstairs with me." Olivia played the married woman's body like a well tuned instrument.

Natalia nodded, ready to agree to anything as long as Olivia continued what she was doing.

An hour later Natalia and Olivia stood on the opposite side of the elevator on their way back down to the party.

Natalia stood helplessly in the corner watching Olivia sulk. This wasn't entirely true. She could help it she just couldn't give Olivia what she wanted. It had begun to be this way after their evening under the stars. Olivia was a big ball of confusion. One minute she was pulling Natalia to her the next she was pushing her away. "Olivia I don't want to leave it like this." Tonight was different; Natalia had broken an unwritten rule.

Olivia stood in the corner quite. If she spoke she might say something she might regret.

"Olivia?" Natalia reached out for Olivia's hand.

"You shouldn't have said it." Olivia almost shouted making Natalia jump back to her side of the box.

"I'm sorry. It slipped."

Olivia shook her head. She was trying her hardest to fight back the tears. She twisted the key the panels stopping the elevator. "Come away with me."

"What?"

"We should go somewhere; Hawaii, Paris, hell, Antarctica." Olivia stepped closer to Natalia.

"Olivia I can't, Nicky."

"But you don't love him. You said that much."

Natalia fidgeted under Olivia's spotlight. It was her big mouth that got her in trouble, but Olivia just did something to her body. She couldn't control what she did or what she said. It just so happened in the throes of a mind shattering orgasm she whispered I love you. She didn't mean to. I did mean to just not out loud.

"Natalia?"

"What is this?" Natalia asked like she had so many times before. She wanted Olivia to tell her the truth. It might not have made a difference because she couldn't leave Nicky. But she wanted to hear it. She wanted Olivia to say it.

Olivia backed away from Natalia. She took the question as a sign to back off. She thought she knew the answer Natalia wanted to here. It just confirmed to Olivia that she was alone in her feelings. "Sex." She closed her eyes missing Natalia deflate at her answer.

Olivia started the elevator again. She texted Rodney holding her head down in the corner of the elevator. She wouldn't cry in front of Natalia. If sex was what Natalia wanted, who am I to deny the woman? It's what everyone wants from me. Why should Natalia, a married woman, be any different? Every night she waited for Natalia to call, every morning she waited for the woman to move away from her, and every time she spoke to the woman she waited for those three words. Now that they had been said, it only served to make her feel worst.

Olivia's phone rang before the sliding doors opened. She didn't bother to look at it.

"Olivia I'm sor…" Olivia stepped off the elevator without a second looked. She strolled right up to Rodney in the lobby.

Natalia slowly walked through the lobby watching Olivia hoping she would give her indication that they were okay.

"Natalia! Where have you been?" Nicholas ran up to his wife taking her in his arms. He played the worried husband role, worthy of an Oscar. Frank was on his heels running behind him as if Natalia was his wife.

"Oh, I got lost this place is so big. I was looking for the bathroom." Natalia quickly lied. She blinked back the tears building behind her eyes.

"Yes it is big." Nicholas looked around unimpressed. "But don't be too impressed, this place is owned by a dyke." Nicky laughed taking Natalia's hand.

Natalia grimaced. She could smell the alcohol seeping out of Nicky's pores. She turned around only catching Olivia's eyes before the elevator doors closed.

The second elevator doors open and Doris stepped off. A few second later Blake poked her head out snaking out of the elevator. Natalia wanted to laugh. This place seemed to be the place to go to cheat. If one weren't careful they might run into their cheating spouse with their own mistress.