This time, Janeway wakes up knowing exactly what happened. She is not alone in the narrow bed. Tom is pressed up against the wall and she's pressed up against him. She'd forgotten how easily her body curved into a man, but she fits against him like a puzzle piece. He's still asleep, his breathing even and his arm holds her against him firmly. It's early, still, she thinks. She needs to go on duty, but they have a little time, yet. And yes, a wave of guilt does come but it's not as strong as it might be. She feels happy and relieved and relaxed and has woken up for the first time in a long time without feeling afraid. Maybe being with the right person isn't about negotiating and compromise, maybe it's about waking up and feeling at home no matter where you are. She's loved her past fiancés, her boyfriends, her lovers but she's never felt like this.
Her mother had always told her that she'd know when she found the one and it had sounded so, so stupid to her at the time but now she's laying here thinking about the first time she'd seen Tom since his cadet days, in that prison, and how young his face had been. If she'd known then what she knew now, they could have saved so much time. Tom moves a little.
"You're thinking so hard it woke me up," he says, rubbing his stubbly chin on her bare shoulder.
"I feel happy," she says.
"Me too," he says. "Let's try to hold on to this feeling for as long as possible, hmm?"
"Want to hear how it's going to play out?" she asks, rolling over so they're facing each other. Her breasts press against his bare chest and his hand slides down to her butt.
"Tell me."
"Tuvok is going to figure it out first," she says. "He always does. You're going to slip and tell Harry."
"True."
"Harry is going to tell B'Elanna and I'm going to have to rush to tell Chakotay before she does," Janeway says. "He will be hurt and give me... oh, three days of silence and 'I-Told-You-So' faces."
"Then Neelix," Tom says. "Then everyone."
"That's what I think," Janeway says.
"How long?" he asks.
"Two weeks if we're really, really careful," she says, closing her eyes. She feels tired, again. He pulls her body up onto his and she buries her face into his neck. It's paradise, being this close to someone - feeling so much skin against hers. It's intoxicating to be touched. He lets his hand rest in the dip of her back and taps out a little rhythm there.
"Order everyone to mind their own business," he offers.
"Just like I order Neelix to lay off Tuvok? Or you to stop your damn gambling ring?" she asks. "Some orders don't mean a thing."
"It's not my gambling ring, it's Voyager's gambling ring," Tom says. "It's a self-sustaining entity now that I have very little to do with."
"Regardless," she snaps.
"Don't worry about it yet," he suggests, nuzzling into her. "There's nothing you can do in the next thirty minutes, so just stay here."
They only get one first morning after so she decides to take his advice, for now, and just be with him.
"Do you think less of me?" she whispers. She can almost hear him roll his eyes.
"Now you're just worrying about something different," he chastises.
"I'm being serious," she says.
"No," he answers, seriously. "If anything, I like you more everyday."
She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath in. Tom smells of sweat - a little salty -- but masculine and familiar.
"Okay," she says.
oooo
B'Elanna comes into her ready room in the early afternoon. There's some business she needs to go over, personnel issues and warp core modifications, but when all that is done, B'Elanna doesn't get out of her chair.
"How are you feeling?" she asks, looking down into her cup of tea. Janeway is surprised - she and B'Elanna don't often chat. She's endured the meeting because it is necessary, but she doesn't know if she can chit chat with B'Elanna knowing how she spent the night with Tom.
"Fine," Janeway says, picking up the tea pot and topping off her own tea. "I'm just... doing just fine, thank you."
"No more headaches?" she asks. Janeway raises an eyebrow.
"Funny," she says. "I don't remember you asking after my health before."
"You're my captain," B'Elanna says. "I have a vested interest in your well-being."
Janeway isn't buying it this time and her expression says as much.
"Fine," B'Elanna says. "The truth is, Tom and I break up all the time and every time it's messy and we say things we can't take back and I hate him and he hates me and that's that. But, inevitably, we come around and start all over again."
"Oh," Janeway says. Her heart has started to flutter uncomfortably.
"I know he's been spending a lot of time with you and I wanted to make sure he was doing all right," she says, but then holds up her hand. "I mean, I want him to be miserable, but on the way to crawling back." B'Elanna shrugs with a small smile. "Only a conniving little weasel like Tom could get the Captain as his new best friend."
"Lieutenant, I really don't think I'm the person... you should really talk to Tom about this," she says.
B'Elanna's face falls slowly. It's unfortunate that she's such a smart woman, because she's equally as hostile. For a moment, Janeway is afraid of what B'Elanna might do. What she is capable of. It's Janeway's ship and she could send B'Elanna to the brig or have security escort her away, but what about the few minutes before they arrived? What would the full wrath of B'Elanna Torres really feel like?
"Is he seeing someone else?" she asks.
"I'm usually the last person to know gossip, Lieutenant," Janeway says and in this way she is dodging the question without lying. B'Elanna sets her cup down on the coffee table with a little too much force and it rattles loudly on the saucer.
"I'll talk to him," she says. "I'll talk to him, all right." It is a threat and B'Elanna rises and storms out of the ready room, so mired in her anger that she forgets who she is with.
"Dismissed," Janeway says uneasily after her. The kind thing would be to warn Tom but there's no easy way to do so. She has to hope that after years of dealing with B'Elanna, Tom can take care of himself.
oooo
Tom is quiet when she sees him next. He comes to her quarters in full uniform holding a PADD, but she's pretty sure it's blank. She never actually looks at it. He doesn't offer up any information about his day. She's got work to do, and he says that it's fine. She sits at her desk with her monitor open and Tom sits in the chair that reclines with his arms behind his head. He isn't sleeping or reading, he's just sitting there.
"What are you doing?" she asks, finally.
"Relaxing," he says. But it seems more like he's thinking.
"Are you hungry?" she asks, waving her hand toward the replicator in an invitation.
"I ate," he says.
She goes back to her work, but he's just sitting there, staring, and it's beginning to seriously distract her.
"Tom."
"Hmm?"
She gets up and walks over to him, perches on the very edge of the chair. He touches her thigh and looks up at her.
"Did you talk to B'Elanna today?" she asks. No reason to hide from the problem if it was just going to put a great big kink in everything.
"I did."
"Well?" she demands. She's beginning to get exasperated. Usually, Tom chats to her continuously - about his day, about his past, about what he likes about her. Now, it's one word answers and she can't read his face at all.
"I saw her in the mess," he says. "She asked how I was doing."
"What'd you say?" she asks.
"I'm doing fine," Tom says. "She said she was too."
"That's it?" Janeway asks.
"She said if I ever wanted to apologize to her, we could get some coffee," he says. "I told her that I was sorry, but we were probably past coffee doing any good."
"And then she broke your nose?" Janeway asks, attempting a joke but unable to quite shake her serious tone. He smiles for a moment.
"No," he says. "I mean, don't get me wrong, I flinched at the look in her eyes, but then she just said 'fine' and left."
"Huh," Janeway says and makes to stand, but his fingers curl around her wrist and he pulls her back down.
"Why?"
"Well, we had a meeting today, and she asked after you," Janeway shrugged, like it was no big deal.
"What did you say?"
"I didn't want to get involved! That she should talk to you!"
"She is ruthless," Tom says, a warning. "If she thinks you know something, she'll be on you like white on rice until she knows what it is."
"She may have asked if you were seeing someone else," Janeway says. "But I side-stepped it and she left and it was fine."
"You should've just told her the truth," Tom says. "Now, when she finds out that I am and it's you, she's going to be doubly pissed off."
"Tom, how did you stay with her for so long?" she blurts.
"It wasn't always bad," he says. "She's smart and can be funny. She was... the girl you date before you settle down, you know?" Janeway shakes her head. She doesn't know. "Kind of wild and exhilarating, but at the same time dangerous and exhausting. The girl who will go on all your crazy adventures with you but can never agree on what color to paint the bedroom and hates your taste in music. And you get all caught up in whatever it is that you have for so long that you forget that you can't actually live day to day with them."
He rubs his hands over his face.
"And then you suddenly meet someone who reads the same books as you and likes orange, too and it's like, what the hell was I doing for so long?"
"I see," she says. "You know that I hate orange, right?"
"Do you like blue?"
"Yes."
"Then we'll be okay," he promises.
"I can't worry about what she thinks of me," Janeway says. "And I can't afford to lose my chief engineer if she decides she can't take orders from me."
"She loves her job more than she hates me, I think," Tom says. This is not exactly comforting. "I think I'll let you work. I could use some sleep."
"Okay," Janeway says.
"I'll see you on the bridge?"
"Stay here," she says. "It... that wasn't an order, but you could stay here to sleep."
"Are you sure I won't disturb your work?" he asks.
"In two weeks I'm probably going to be sick of you so you may as well bask in my affection while you have it," she says. He raises his eyebrow.
"That was a joke, right?" he asks.
"Do I joke a lot?"
"I thought you did..." he says, uncertainly.
"Relax," she says. "I'll be in in a few hours and I'll try not to wake you up."
"Okay," he says. She goes back to her work, narrowing her focus. She really needs to be caught up and this was always the way that she got ahead of her peers. She was the queen of all nighters. In fact, she can go days without proper sleep and still retain her faculties, but she tries not to do it for no real reason.
"Kathryn?"
"Hmm..." she says. She looks up to see Tom standing in the doorway in nothing but his boxer shorts.
"Why don't you come to bed?" he asks.
"I'm almost done," she murmurs.
"It's 0300," he says. "Come get some sleep."
"Is it?" she asks. She is tired - her eyes feel rough and bleary. "Okay." She shuts the monitor down and stands up, her back aching. He waits for her and when she walks up to him, he helps pull her jacket off and tosses on the chair across form her bed on top of his own uniform. She shrugs out of the turtleneck before disappearing into the bathroom. When she comes back, she's dressed in a tank top and pajama pants and he holds up the blanket so she can slide in. He lets his hand rest on her hip bone with the tips of his fingers just under the elastic waist of her pants. It takes her a few long moments to realize his hand is moving, his fingers inching down. She doesn't move, doesn't breath until they encounter the top of her underwear. She can move, pull his hand away and go to sleep, but instead she lets her knees fall apart. She feels his lips on her ear.
"Kathryn," he says. Her name is little more than hot breath on her skin but it's all she needs to come apart. She bites her lips. She can just see his eyes in the darkness and they are so dilated they are black with only the smallest ring of blue. Her hips buck when his fingers worm into her underpants and slide against her. She wants to kiss him, but more than that, she wants to watch him watch her. She rotates her hips up off the mattress hoping he'll get the hint. She wants more than contact, she wants penetration. He teases her some, grazing against her most sensitive areas before easing one finger inside of her, and then two. She can't quite breathe - she can't only inhale so much before her breath hitches in the back of her throat. Her clothes feel very constricting and he seems to realize this because he helps ease down the pants with his free hand. She shoves them off her body and then twists out of the shirt so she's laid bare before him.
"Beautiful," he whispers, before lowering his mouth to her peaked breast. She tries to pull his shoulders so he'll roll over on top of her but he doesn't budge. "Let me do this," he says. Between her legs, his hand starts to move more quickly, stroking in and out of her. The pleasure starts to coil and pulsate. His mouth moves to her other breast and then down. He flicks his tongue into her belly button and his chin brushes against her patch of hair. They haven't done this before and she grabs his head with both her hands, holding him in place. She doesn't try to force him back up or down, just stills him. His fingers are still moving, keeping her frenzied level of pleasure at the status quo but they both know it isn't enough to push her over.
"Hey," he says, kissing the skin he can reach. "It's okay."
"I don't know," she says.
"Trust me," he says. She does trust him, so she loosens her grip and he continues down, nudging her knees apart to make room for his shoulders. She can't breath, can't stand the few seconds before contact is made. Her hips wriggle, but he lays a forearm across them to keep her still before lapping at her with his strong, hot tongue.
The sound she makes is probably embarrassingly loud and deep, but she's beyond caring. What he's doing is impossibly good and it doesn't take long before she's keening and bucking, one hand clenching the sheets and the other trying to force his head away. The sensations are too great, too much, and when he stops, her body hits the bed like dead weight.
"Good?" he asks, when she opens her eyes.
"Good," she confirms. "Come here."
"You're tired," he says. "Go to sleep, it's okay."
"I'm not that tired," she assures him. His boxers are tented to the point where it's got to hurt, so the first step she takes is to remove them and wrap her hand around his penis. He groans and she wants to laugh at the thought that he could've rolled over and just gone to sleep. He would have been in misery for hours. It was sweet that he was willing to do it for her, she thinks as she lowers her head and parts her lips. He makes a strangled noise that sounds almost like pain. It another situation, maybe.
"I can't," he says, his fingers digging into her hair. "I won't last."
His erection leaves her mouth with an audible pop and she looks up at him with big, dark eyes.
"What do you want?" she asks. He guides her up to him and she throws her leg over him so there's a knee on either side of his body.
"Now sit," he says. She's careful, she guides him into her with her hand. She sinks slowly - this angle has always been a little awkward for her. She's small and has narrow hips, but she's so well-lubricated that there's no twinge of dryness or pain. She slides easily down and has to take a moment while she adjusts to the feeling of being so full. Tom's eyes roll into the back of his head, and if she had to guess, she'd say he is reciting statistics of some sort in his mind. Once she feels ready, she grabs his hands and places them on her breasts and then begins to move. She could go slow, but it's already morning, practically, and so she rides him hard and fast. The only noise in the room is their heavy breathing and the sound of their bodies slapping together. She leans forward a little bit and yes, she finds it, that spot that would make her fly the ship into a burning star if this feeling could just last forever. He thrusts his hips up into her and instead of watching her, his glassy stare is focused on the point where their bodies are connecting. His cheeks are rosy and his forehead is wet with sweat. She knows that she's bright red too, the color starting at the tips of her breasts and crawling up her neck and high into her cheeks.
"Kath..." he manages, the only warning she receives before he comes, the muscles in his neck tensing and his hands squeezing hard on her thighs. She clenches her internal muscles, milking him until his body goes slack and his eyes slip closed. She folds over so she can lay on his chest and his arms come around her, holding her tightly.
"Now," she says. "Now we can sleep."
Her body shakes as he laughs.
"Aye, aye," he says.
oooo
Tuvok comes in and stands in front of her desk until she looks up and sighs.
"You know about Lieutenant Paris," she states.
"Yes," he says.
"I'm disappointed in you, Tuvok," she says, leaning back. "I gave you two weeks. It's been four." Tuvok doesn't say anything to this. "How did you figure it out?"
"Yesterday," Tuvok says. "When the console between the command chairs exploded."
Voyager was currently licking her wounds in a class one nebula. They'd unintentionally crossed some borders and angered the local occupants and had been fired upon. It wouldn't take long to get out of the space and outrun their pursuers, but there were repairs to be made before that happened. When they'd been shot at, it had blown several relays. She'd gotten some minor burns. Tom had insisted on healing her wound right there on the bridge.
"He saved me a trip to sickbay," Janeway says.
"It was peculiar," Tuvok says. "So I did some investigating."
"I'm well aware of which rules I'm breaking," she says.
"I did not come to lecture you," he says. "You are not the first superior officer to start a relationship with a junior officer. But, since neither of you can request a departmental or ship transfer, there is protocol about altering the command structure so you cannot make biased command decisions in regards to Lieutenant Paris."
"Those protocols are not intended for the captain," she says. "I outrank everyone."
He hands her a PADD and she scans it quickly.
"You want you and Chakotay to sign off on every order regarding Tom," she says, setting the PADD down. The hairs on the back of her neck are beginning to stand up. She doesn't like this.
"Yes."
"Every away mission, every course correction, every shift change?" she asks. He doesn't respond. "You don't think that'd raise some suspicions?"
"The very fact that you think people will be suspicious only reinforces that we need to take precautions," he says.
"I will take this under advisement. Until then, commander, I'd appreciate you keeping your discovery to yourself. Dismissed."
Tuvok leaves, because she has told him to, but she knows he thinks she is wrong. But implementing his plan, no matter how practical it may seem in a ship's log, is like admitting that there is something wrong with what they are doing. But it doesn't feel wrong and she doesn't want to taint it in this way. She will continue to be careful. She doesn't show him anymore favoritism than she always has, doesn't excuse him from sickbay shifts or allow his work to come in late or incomplete. He is her pilot and she treats him as such until they are alone in her quarters.
Hours later Tom comes in and perches on the edge of the desk.
"You've been reclusive," he says.
"Tuvok knows," she says. "That makes four."
The Doctor knows too. He knew the moment Janeway had walked into sickbay on time to receiving her monthly booster shot that would prevent pregnancy. While a baby was unlikely to happen, she didn't want to take the chance. She'd been pretty notoriously bad about keeping those shots on schedule and he'd pointed out her error as he'd give in to her.
"It doesn't matter if they're on time or not when you don't really need them," he'd said. He'd been right.
"Tuvok's lagging a little, huh?" Tom asks.
"You aren't concerned?"
"Why should I be. We both knew this would happen," he shrugs.
"It's only a matter of time until the whole ship knows."
"Don't take this the wrong way, but that news hurts your reputation far more than mine," he says. "My cred can only rise."
"I feel so much better, thanks," she says sarcastically. He can only be so apologetic. He honestly feels there is nothing wrong with people knowing.
"Are you happy?" he asks. "Are you healthy?"
"Tom..."
"Then don't apologize," he says. "Absolutely do not apologize for living your life. For being a woman."
"Okay, okay, that's about as much pep talk as I can take from you today," she says. "Go away and let me work."
"Will you be home for dinner?" he asks. She looks up at his face. He has been putting in a lot of effort to make sure she eats good meals and gets enough sleep.
"I'll try," she says, honestly.
Tom has somehow coaxed her replicator back from the edge. When he programs things, they come out perfectly. She could order plain water and that glorified toaster would give it to her in a dirty glass. But just as dinner rolls around, she finds herself with Chakotay on deck nine inspecting the work the repair crew has done, and then doing the same on four other decks and by the time she pulls herself away, it's late and the computer informs her that Tom is in his quarters. Instead of going home and collapsing into her bed like she wants to, she goes to his and presses the chime.
"Sorry," she says when he calls for her to come in. He's watching some old program on his television, sitting in his ratty bathrobe. On the table in front of him is a half empty bowl of popcorn. He looks up from the screen. She has her hands on her hips and is waiting for him to acknowledge her apology.
"It's all right," he says. "Come watch with me."
"Are you upset?" she asks, sitting next to him.
"If I got upset every time you were too busy to make it to dinner, I'd be in for a lifetime of heartache, babe," he says. "I understand."
Satisfied, she grabs the bowl and lets her head fall on his shoulder. On the screen, a man riding a horse shoots at someone. Tom raises his arm and drapes it over her shoulder.
"You okay about Tuvok?" he asks.
"I suppose," she says. "It could be worse. What if my memory never came back? What if that shot to the head had killed me?"
"Perspective," he say, with a solemn nod.
"I'm being serious," she says.
"Kathryn, you seem hell bent on living your life in this state of perpetual crisis," Tom says, turning the television off with the remote. He tosses it down to the other end of the couch.
"That's not true," she says, shrugging out from beneath his arm.
"Just live in the moment," he offers.
"I respect the Tom Paris philosophy, but am not yet ready to subscribe," she says. She pats his thigh with her open hand. "I'm going to bed."
"I'll find you something to sleep in," he says. "Though, you could always start keeping a nightgown here. Or better yet, sleep in nothing at all."
"We usually stay in my quarters," she says, ignoring his comment on nudity.
"Do you want to go there now?" he asks.
"No," she says. She stands up, and before she can walk away, he holds on to her hand.
"I know you think I'm being flippant, but I honestly think no one is going to care," he says.
"B'Elanna will care," she says. "Chakotay will care."
He lets her hand go. Perhaps it was a cruel thing to say, but it is the truth. She walks into the bedroom. He sees the light come on, hears the sound of her removing her uniform and the water falling into the sink. She brushes her teeth and then, he has to strain to hear it, but the whisper of the covers as she slips into his bed.
In a way, they're both right. The majority of the crew isn't going to care one way or another whose bed she's sleeping in at night. Having the Captain do something that makes her appear human will only make the crew feel better - it isn't right to be alone for so long; it isn't human. The crew loves Captain Janeway, the crew understands what she has given up in order to get them home, and they want her to be happy.
On the other hand, B'Elanna is going to go nuclear when she finds out. He thinks about how he would feel if he heard B'Elanna was sleeping with somebody new, and then multiplies that be being Klingon. Factor in that someone being the highest ranked person on the ship - yeah, just the thought makes Tom's stomach feel upset and the back of his throat taste metallic. He doesn't want her back - he broke up with her after all, but they've shared a lot and moving on is always, always painful. Tom doesn't know about Chakotay or how he feels about the Captain. Janeway doesn't talk about her XO much and seems reluctant to share that part of her past with him. But he does see the way Chakotay watches her move across the bridge and yes, when the news goes public, there will be some hurt feelings.
Is making life miserable aboard the ship for a few months worth all of it?
Tom walks over to the doorway and stands in the partial darkness. He can tell she isn't asleep, but she's trying. Her hair is tangled across his pillow and she's laying on the side of the bed he favors. Her foot is poking out from beneath the blanket and hanging of the edge of the mattress. There's no way to get into the bed without disturbing her. He grabs some clothes from the closet and puts them on in the other room. He's going to let her sleep.
He leaves his quarters, the woman sleeping there who has become his partner, and heads determinedly down the hall.
oooo
B'Elanna doesn't have an office so much as a corner of Engineering that her staff knows to stay out of. B'Elanna keeps odd hours, working early and often late into the night. She likes to nap in the afternoons, and so Tom knows better than to search her out in her quarters. And Tom is right, B'Elanna is in her nook, staring with squinting eyes at a screen. This means she's tired. Tom has fallen out of love with B'Elanna but that doesn't mean he doesn't know her anymore.
"It's late," he says.
"I'm working," she says, after a long pause. She's telling him to go away and giving him one chance to just do it so she doesn't have to yell.
"I was hoping to talk to you," he says, knowing the consequences. She hasn't even heard what he's had to say yet. She rubs at her forehead tiredly before straightening up.
"I could use a cup of coffee, I guess," she says and then blushes as she realizes what she has said. Tom has already turned her down for a coffee date once.
"Coffee sounds good," he says, saving her the embarrassment. The mess hall this time of night is deserted. Tom replicates two cups and they sit across from one another in the dim light. She looks tired, but over all, looks fine, too.
"Haven't seen much of you in a while," she says.
"I thought maybe... space could be good," he says. "Listen, B'Elanna..."
"I can't," she says. "It's sweet, Tom, but I think too much time has passed and I've realized some things about myself and I just can't get back together with you right now. I'm sorry." She gives him a pitying look and then hides behind her coffee cup.
"Oh," he says. "Well, I agree."
"You do?" she asks.
"I didn't come here to... B'Elanna, I don't want to get back together."
She furrows her brow and crosses her arms as she leans back hard in her chair.
"Why the hell not?" she demands.
"I wanted to tell you in person so you didn't hear it through whatever filter the gossip mill is running these days... I'm seeing someone else now. I thought I should tell you first," he says.
"I knew it!" she says, immediately seething. "I smelled something fishy and Janeway brushed me off like... first of all, you pig. Secondly, it's not telling me first if the Captain knows before I do," she says. She is hurt and is covering this by anger.
"You're still important to me," he says. "I still love you, we just can't be together."
"Oh save me the lecture," she says. "You can screw whomever you want, Tom Paris, it doesn't matter to me."
"Okay," he says. "Maybe you should start dating again, too."
"We're done here," she says, standing up. He lets her go, but she pauses at the door just before the sensors. "Who is it?"
"I thought it didn't matter," he says. He thought he might get away without this part. He was silly to even hope.
"There's a difference between you sleep around with some crewman we're not even friends with or someone that matters."
"Everyone on Voyager matters," he says. She turns her face away.
"Please tell me it's Jenny Delaney. Tell me it's Seven of Nine, tell me it's Sam Wildman, I don't care, tell me it's Harry Kim!" she begs.
"B'Elanna..."
"I asked her to her face if she knew who you were dating and she told me she didn't get involved with gossip. What a bold lie," B'Elanna says. "You've loved her for a long time."
"I loved you," he says. "When I was with you, I loved you."
"But you were in love with her," B'Elanna accuses. "I guess you finally got what you wanted."
"She's your boss," Tom says. "She's the captain. You can't be mad at her for this."
"I know how to act on the job," she says. "But I don't have to like her and I do not like you."
She leaves him alone in the dark. He rubs his face with his hands. She's mad, so mad that she didn't stay to yell, but Tom knows that this is better, that by doing this, he has avoided some large scene that draws everyone in and forces people to choose sides, more than they already have. He feels tired all of a sudden and makes his way home. Inside, his quarters are quiet. Janeway is sleeping heavily in his bed, one of his t-shirts bunched up around her waist. She has kicked the covers off in her sleep. He takes his pants and shirt off and drop them right to the floor where he stands. Suddenly, Tuvok's investigation, Chakotay's bruised feelings, or B'Elanna's ire mean very little. This woman in his bed is beautiful, whole, and willing. He thinks about what B'Elanna said as he slides in next to her. He wakes her, but she's groggy. She rolls into him, seeking his solid body. She is warm and her legs are smooth and he kisses her forehead.
"Where'd you go?" she asks, her voice raspy and her eyes never opening.
"Nowhere," he says, petting her back and pulling the blanket back over them both. "Go back to sleep."
"Mmmkay," she mumbles. He waits until she's fully back under again.
"Kathryn," he whispers, so quietly she won't wake up - but maybe she will hear it with some deeper consciousness and remember it when she needs it. "I have loved you for a long time," he says. "Maybe I have always loved you."
She sighs in her sleep, melting into him a little further.
