Thank you as always for the reviews. They mean so much to me
I hope you all liked the cliffhanger from last chapter :P
This is probably the most angsty chapter I have ever written. It gives a big insight into Kida's current state of mind.
Hope you enjoy it


Kida

"It was my father's,"

Clarke and Lexa both tensed around her. Kida could feel their embrace get even tighter. Clarke kissed the top of her head gently. Lexa moved forward and leaned her forehead into the side of Kida's head.

"Kida – I, I'm sorry. I –" Lexa started.

"You didn't know," Kida interrupted, tears building in her eyes again, "and neither did I." She hadn't felt this small in a long time, not since her mother had died. Her best friend had held her while she cried for hours on end until she was so exhausted that she fell asleep, "For so long we never knew what happened to him. The only way we knew he was dead was through my mother. She felt it. She just knew he was gone. We never found his body. That was the only evidence that he was killed by humans, and now I know that it was the truth," and she couldn't even tell her family.

"I shouldn't have been angry with you. I didn't realise,"

"I understand, Lexa," She had barely even registered what Lexa had shouted at her anyway, "Do not be mad at yourself. If you had not stopped me, I would have killed him,"

Kida couldn't think of a time when she had ever been that angry before. It was as if all of her wolf instincts took over, completely stripping her of her humanity. It frightened her. She had always prided herself on being in control of her Lycan instincts, it had never been an issue for her in the past, but what happened in that meeting was something else.

Her thoughts drifted to the pack. Many of them had known her father and grieved terribly after he died. He was Beta of the pack while he was alive and he was respected as much as the Alpha himself. Search parties had looked for days, but his scent was cold and there was no sign of his body. They would be horrified to know that he had been turned into a hat and cape.

She could feel anger swelling in her chest again, but she pushed it down. There was nothing that she could do about it now. If she attacked the Azgeda ambassador, it could put Lexa in danger of retaliation from Queen Nia, and that is the last thing she wanted.

Kida was brought out of her thoughts when she heard a knock at the door. The three looked up from their position on the floor. Lexa pressed a kiss to her temple and stood up to see who it was.

Luckily, it was Titus but he requested Lexa's presence as one of the ambassadors wanted to speak with her.

"I will be out in a moment, Titus," Lexa said. She closed the door and walked back over to them, "I will be back as soon as I can," she whispered gently. Kida could hear the guilt laced in her voice. She knew that Lexa didn't want to leave her right now, but she had a duty to her people.

Kida nodded and took Lexa's hand, "Promise me that you won't feel bad for getting angry at me. I have already forgiven you, Lexa,"

Lexa nodded and kissed her gently before turning to Clarke and doing the same. She quickly left the room, leaving Kida and Clarke on their own.

"Come on," Clarke said, "let's move to somewhere more comfortable,"

Kida didn't reply as they stood up. Clarke held her hand tight as she led her to the couch. Clarke lay down and pulled Kida to lie on top of her. Kida tucked her head under Clarke's chin, feeling the comfort of her soulmate's arms around her.

"You miss them more than you let on, don't you?" Clarke asked quietly.

A stray tear fell from Kida's eye and onto Clarke's skin, "I don't really want to talk about it right now," Kida replied.

It's true. She hadn't really talked about just how much she missed the pack. Kida was the type to show her emotions in her body language, so, of course, Clarke had seen that. But this was her family, everyone she had known for most of her life, her best friend, and her sister. It was more than she could express with her body.

Goddess, her sister would be devastated to hear about their father. She was older than Kida, so she knew him better than Kida did. A sob escaped her as she thought of how her sister would take the news if she ever found out.

Clarke's hands began to slowly stroke up and down her back. She whispered soothing words, but they did nothing to slow the thoughts in Kida's mind.

It hurt so much to even think about her sister and her best friend, that's part of the reason why she hadn't mentioned them to Clarke and Lexa. She missed them too much. She had never been without either of them for this long. For as long as she could remember, they had been by her side.

There was a part of Kida that wanted to go back and see them, but she couldn't. She had basically exiled herself and it didn't feel like the right time, not yet. What kind of true Alpha was she without her pack? Maybe she never should have left in the first place. This was one of the few times in her life when she had truly felt hopeless.

The stream of tears started again and Kida made no attempt to stop them. They just flowed and flowed until exhaustion took over and she fell asleep.

XXXXX

She woke to the sound of voices whispering nearby.

"She fell asleep not long after you left," Clarke said.

It was then that she realised she no longer felt the comfort of Clarke's body or her arms around her, but now felt the heavy weight of a blanket on top of her.

"Azgeda should pay for this," Lexa said, her whispers filled with anger.

"I agree, Lexa but there isn't anything we can do, not without exposing her kind,"

"I know, I just wish there was something we could do for her,"

"All we can do is support her,"

Kida opened her eyes and sat up, alerting her soulmates that she was awake.

"Hey," Clarke said gently, "how are you feeling?"

"I'm fine," Kida replied, almost emotionless. She still was not in the mood to talk, at least not to Clarke and Lexa, not right now.

Her soulmates were a bit taken aback by her reply. They were so used to Kida being an open book with her emotions. Seeing her so shut off was surprising. Clarke was about to push further, but Lexa placed a hand on her shoulder to stop her.

"I think we will skip training for today," Lexa said, hoping the change of subject would help.

"No," Kida said, "It will be a good distraction,"

XXXXX

Kida was wrong; it was not a good distraction at all.

As soon as she went to shift, she was reminded of something else that had been weighing on her mind, that she couldn't walk beside her soulmates in human form.

They had left Lexa's room, her two soulmates walking side-by-side, whilst her large form required her to walk behind them. They arrived at Lexa's private training area and the two humans immediately went to work. Kida sat to the side and watched, as there were other warriors sparring and training, leaving her once again to her thoughts.

Ever since she met Clarke and Lexa, she thought she knew what she was getting herself into, but it wasn't until yesterday that she realised she didn't. She didn't know how bad it would feel to watch her two soulmates hold hands and walk down the street, and want so much to do the same, or not be able to kiss either of them whenever she wanted. But she couldn't because she was the biggest secret that Lexa and Clarke had to keep.

She recalled that Clarke had made the effort to stroke her fur every now and then, but Kida could tell that the blonde was worried about how the people were reacting to her wolf form. That did not bother her at all. She couldn't have cared less about what the people thought of her, what bothered her is that she couldn't openly show her love for her soulmates.

Yes, Kida knew she was in love with them. It was possible that she had been in love with them from the moment she first saw them, even despite Lexa's attitude at the time. Kida wanted the whole world to know that. She wanted to shout it from the highest point of the Polis Tower. She wanted everyone to know that Clarke and Lexa were her's and she was theirs. But she couldn't, not without putting all of their lives at risk.

And not for a moment did she blame her soulmates for this. She knew that they were both in difficult positions. Lexa was the Commander of the Twelve Clans, soon to be thirteen and Clarke was a respected leader among the Grounders and Skaikru. She knew that they would never want her to feel this way but she couldn't help it.

Even now as she watched Lexa teach Clarke how to block her strikes and anticipate her moves, Kida could feel sadness and envy wash over her. She had said she would help teach Clarke, but how could she do that when she can't be in human form.

Kida didn't even realise but her eyes had started watering. She quickly shook her head and focused back on her soulmates. Clarke had been knocked off her feet once again, but she was lasting longer each time.

More time had passed than she had realised because soon Lexa was saying that was enough for today. Clarke was exhausted and bruised and Lexa was grinning with pride. Kida knew she should have made some kind of gesture but she didn't have the heart to.

All of this, combined with the news of her father and thinking about her pack, Kida didn't have the heart for anything right now.

XXXXX

Clarke

The next few days were relatively quiet. Lexa was preparing for the arrival of Skaikru and training the Natblida, which Clarke and Kida were introduced to; Clarke bought some new art supplies and had spent many hours painting, along with training every day; and Kida, Kida was just quiet.

Clarke had kept a close eye on her ever since the meeting with the ambassadors and the Lycan had not said much. She respected that Kida needed time to heal and that she was missing her family, but it was very worrying at this point. Clarke could see that there was more going on than she and Lexa realised, but she couldn't quite figure out what it was. Whenever she tried to ask Kida about it, the Lycan would shut herself off immediately, like the flick of a switch.

At night, when they were behind the closed doors of their room, Kida would shed her Lycan fur and just hold them. She wouldn't say anything, but she would take any chance to be in contact with either her or Lexa. She would sometimes contribute to the conversation, but it was only a few words here and there, nothing like before. As they would fall asleep, Kida always made sure to be holding at least one of them. Her embrace was comforting when she curled her body around Clarke's from behind, but that night, Clarke was almost certain she felt tears against her back as she was drifting off.

Clarke knew that Lexa had noticed too. They had shared many silent conversations across the room, but neither of them knew how best to approach the situation. They quietly decided to speak with Kida after the summit with Skaikru had taken place, which was going to be later that day at sunset.

As for the Skaikru, they would be arriving any minute. Clarke was nervous as to how this day would turn out. If she didn't manage to convince her mom that joining the Coalition was a good idea, she would be in a very tough position.

One of the guards soon came in a told her that the Skaikru had arrived and were waiting in the throne room. Clarke thanked him and looked over at Kida. She was already in wolf form and looking at her expectantly.

Clarke sighed. She prayed to whatever Gods or Goddesses out there that she could get answers from Kida soon. She felt useless not knowing how to help her.

They walked into the throne room to the Skaikru talking among themselves. Clarke had only expected her mom and Kane to come, but Octavia, Lincoln, and Raven were also there. Clarke greeted them all quickly.

"Wolf-girl!" Raven said to Kida, "Good to see you,"

Kida just nodded her wolf-head, in response.

"Welcome to Polis," Clarke said with a smile.

"Clarke," Marcus said excitedly, "this place is amazing,"

"I know," Clarke replied, "there is so much more to the Grounders than we ever believed,"

"Where is Lexa?" Abby asked.

"She is out for most of the morning but she'll be back soon. I was hoping to talk to you and Kane before the summit,"

"Of course," Kane said.

"I will show Octavia and Raven a bit of Polis while we wait," Lincoln said, smiling at Octavia.

"Awesome," Octavia said her voice laced with excitement.

"Hey, Kida," Raven said, "Why don't you give me a lift?" The mechanic grinned at Kida but didn't get any of Kida's usual excitement, just a solid nod.

Clarke gently pulled Raven to the side and whispered, "Keep an eye on her for me, okay?"

"What's going on, Clarke?" Raven asked, curiously.

"I'll explain later,"

"Alright, I'm holding you to that Princess,"

Raven walked back over to Kida and hoisted herself onto her back and the Lycan followed Lincoln and Octavia out of the room.

Clarke led Abby and Kane to her room, knowing they would have more privacy there. Once the doors were closed, Clarke got right down to it, "I know when Lexa invited you here it was to discuss terms for a treaty, but Lexa actually wants us to join the Coalition,"

Abby looked at her in surprise, "She lied to us?"

"Because I told her to. I knew you wouldn't come if you knew the real reason,"

"You want us to follow Lexa? Clarke, if this is because she is your soulmate –"

"I promise it's not. If we join, that opens us up to trade and protection. We can provide them with our medical knowledge and technology in exchange for training, supplies. Tell me, how is Camp Jaha holding up with the snow?"

"We have actually renamed it Arkadia," Marcus replied, "We thought a name change was necessary considering Thelonious left us,"

"We have struggled with the snow. It took us by surprise and we didn't know how to prepare," Abby said.

"Lexa can help with that," Clarke said, "and she can help protect us if another clan tries to attack us,"

Abby sighed, "Marcus? What do you think?"

"I agree with Clarke," he said, "This will be beneficial to us and the Grounders,"

"What about the other Clans?" Abby asked, "Surely they won't agree to it,"

"They will when they see Skai Prisa bow to Heda,"

XXXXX

The summit went off without a hitch. Clarke was lost for words when she saw Lexa standing at her throne in her long dress and simple war paint. She was glad that she didn't have to say anything because she was pretty sure that it would come out as a jumbled mess of sounds.

Kane took the brand for the Skaikru, making them an official part of the Coalition. Clarke volunteered to be the ambassador for them and as annoyed as her mother was, Abby knew it was inevitable.

There was a small celebration afterwards. Lexa and Clarke mingled with the ambassadors while Kida stayed by Lexa's throne. She hadn't moved the whole time and every time Clarke glanced over at her, her worry grew more and more.

Raven eventually pulled her to the side and said, "Now will you tell me what's up with Kida? She was like a ghost while we were walking around Polis,"

"A few days ago we found out some disturbing news about her dead father," Clarke whispered, "she has barely said anything ever since, but Lexa and I are going to talk to her about it tonight when this is all over,"

"Good, because now I'm worried about her too,"

"You have no idea, Raven,"

Eventually, everyone left and the trio made their way back to their room.

Clarke and Lexa shared a look, both knowing that they couldn't put this off any longer. They changed into their sleep clothes and brought Kida over to the couch.

There was recognition in her eyes as she realised what was going on.

Lexa and Clarke sat on either side of their soulmate, each of them holding one of her hands. Clarke took a deep breath before she said, "Kida, what's going on? Ever since that meeting, you haven't been yourself. We know you miss your family but we have a feeling it's something more than that,"

"We are really worried about you, hodnes," Lexa said gently.

Kida looked between them and then let her head drop. She didn't say anything for a while and they waited patiently, but it felt like an eternity, "You're right, I do miss my family. I left behind not just my pack, but also my sister and my best friend, who is like a brother to me. I don't know when I'm going to see them again if I'm ever going to see them again. And yes, there is something more, but I didn't want to burden the both of you with it considering it is out of your control,"

Lexa was about to interrupt, but Clarke shot her a look and stopped her.

"It hurts so much to see–"

Knock, knock, knock.

Clarke almost picked up the nearest candle; ready to throw it at whoever was on the other side of that door.

"Who is it?" Lexa called out.

"It is Titus, Heda. A messenger has arrived from the village Neeta kom Ouskejon Kru. It has been attacked. He will speak to no one but you, Heda,"

The three of them exchanged worried glances. As frustrated as Clarke was that she still didn't know what was on Kida's mind, this was serious.

Clarke and Lexa quickly got dressed the trio left the room as fast as they could.


Translations:
Neta mom Ouskejon Kru - Neta of Blue Cliff Clan

Please don't kill me *runs and hides*
This is the stuff that I've been waiting for and as a gift for putting up with my cliffhangers, I'll be uploading the next chapter within the next 2 days. I wrote both chapters all at once because I didn't want to leave you hanging while waiting for me to write it.
Let me know what you thought about the angst. I really appreciate the feedback

Until the next one :D