Hold On
This chapter is named after the song of the same name by Chord Overstreet. It played on my shuffle while I was writing this and it seemed to fit.
"Hey…"Dean clears his throat. It already tastes like liquor. Like all the liquor he downed in the days following Sam's death and descent into Hell. He can't think about it yet. About after. Because there really won't be an after_if he should go.
"Hey, Sammy…"Dean closes his eyes. There are a thousand things he wants to say. Even for the man that has been given so many second lives, he feels the weight and press of it. He is running out of time.
Sam shifts awkwardly in his chair. Death has come to wait by the door. Sam looks up and meets his eyes. For a moment, he has peace about it either way. He can choose to go if he wants. He will have a guide for the other side.
But is it time to go?
"Please...Sam...I don't know how to say all of this. I want to say I'm sorry. I'm not really. Not sorry for being pissed at you. Being so pissed at you so many times! Not because of the things you've done or haven't done. But because of times that you and me have fought over. Things we should have worked out first!" Dean chirps back a sob. He grips Sam's hand so hard Sam feels a slight prickling in his spirit's hand.
"I want to yell at you, but I can't do that now. Sam, I can't...If this is really you giving up on me, then I can't be mad. Because I will never get another chance to tell you anything...I just...If you're here...If your spirit is nearby, please…"Dean closes his eyes as tears run down his face. Sam feels butterflies in the breath that he is. He puts his hand out.
"I am...I'm right here, okay? Say what you need to say, man...I won't go until I've heard you out." Sam nods. Dean nods as if he heard him.
"Look, I've been kind of a drill sergeant to you over the years. Made the same mistakes with you that Dad did sometimes...Sammy...I...I tried to control you because the thought of you being caught up in their demonic games was too messed up...Because the thought of you...of losing you…"Dean bows his head tears now splashing on Sam's dying face. Normally, that would have made the younger Winchester nearly leap from his skin at the sudden cold. Now all he could do is watch as his body's face didn't flinch.
"I don't know how to say that I love you because it's hard for me to put crap like that into words. But if you can hear me, you know that. You know that I've always wanted to just tell you that now. And I…" Dean bowed his head.
"Listen, here's how it is. I can't imagine losing you. I just...I have temporarily before. It was a nightmare. It made no sense, okay? A life without you is not a freaking life. I just...There's just no me without you." Dean reached down and took both of Sam's cheeks in his cupped palms.
"I can't...I'm not ready. I'm not ever going to be ready to let them turn off these machines. I'm not ever gonna get used to them taking off with you on a table. I'm never gonna be able to let these freaking tubes and pumps and whatever keep you alive...For God's sakes, Sam…" Dean shakes his head.
"Look, it's like this. I won't control you anymore. I won't make choices for you. I won't chaperone you. Okay? I can't do this without you, but if I've got to...If I've got to give you some space to keep you...If I got to let you choose something other than this life...If there's something about our lives and the demons that make us that's keeping you from coming back to your body...Sam...I'll let you go your own way if that will bring you back." Dean bites his lip to the point he draws blood. Sam stares at him in disbelief. Dean is bargaining with him to make him stay.
"For God's sakes, Sam...It's...I know the choice isn't up to me. If it was...I'd take you home. I would just make us a home. One where we can move past all that crap, and...and start over with…" Dean shakes his head. A violent spurt of anger tears through him and he kicks the bed.
"Damn it, Sammy! I can't believe that I'm gonna freakin' admit this...I'm not strong enough to do this again…" Dean's eyes are filling up with tears all over again. He feels like he's been kicked in the chest by one of the Horsemen.
"I don't know where you got the stupid idea that I can barely do this with you. Or whatever the hell you said. But I do...I do need you, Sam. I need you with me because I can barely hold it together without you." Dean's voice cracks.
"Get your lazy ass out of bed, damn it!" Dean tries to shout but his voice cracks. He beats his hands into Sam's chest. Sam's head bounces up and down on the bed, fanning his hair everywhere. Dean immediately regrets what he's done. He takes his hair and smooths it down.
"I want you to stay...Please...I know I can't make you...I want you to stay…"
