Heyo!
Genre: Angst with just a bit of Black Humor
Characters: Mordecai, Lilith, Brick and Moxxi
Problem Drinking
"Eh? What the hell is going on?" A groggy Mordecai asked, blinking to adjust his eyes to the light. The last thing he remembered was drinking last night. Shortly followed by passing out on the couch and then being rudely awakened a few moments ago.
Mordecai blinked again, he saw a couple of people spaced throughout the Crimson Raiders HQ. There was Lilith and Brick. That other Siren, what was her name? That Dahl Corp guy. The little girl with the robotic arm. And then there was that bitch Moxxi too.
"What's going on?" Mordecai asked again.
"Sit down Mordy." Lilith said pointing to a seat next to Mordecai.
He sat down and waited for her to answer the question.
"Mordecai" she said. "This is an intervention."
"A what?" The sniper asked, still not quite recovered from last night.
"An intervention. You got a drinking problem and we're here to get you to stop." Brick stated bluntly.
"Well I suppose that's the short version, but that's mostly it." Lilith added.
"What? I don't have a problem."
"Don't lie to yourself sugar." Moxxi said. "You've had a problem for years, and it's only gotten worse since that bird of yours died."
"Ok fine. So what if I drink a little? So what if I drink a little extra when my closest friend dies. I'm a better shot when I'm drunk anyway!" He paused. "And I don't have a problem!" He snapped.
"Calm down Mordecai we're just trying to help you." Lilith said calmly.
"Then leave me the fuck alone!" Mordecai yelled. "I don't bother you guys about all your problems."
"None of us have a serious drinking problem." Maya spoke up.
"Maybe not, but you're all fucked up in your own special way, and I don't say anything about it! So why do you guys have to pick on me?"
"Because you're going to end up killing yourself one of these days." Lilith said.
"So? Maybe I want to die drunk and alone! Ever think of that?"
"Mordy, do you really want to die drunk and alone?" Lilith asked.
"Ok, maybe not alone, but definitely drunk." He muttered.
"Look Mordy, the point is you gotta stop." Brick said.
"I will not. I have every right to drink!"
"It was fine before but you haven't been sober in the past three weeks. It's becoming a problem." Lilith said.
"Look. I don't have a problem! All of you have problems!"
He pointed at Brick.
"You, you're a fucking psychopath and you're an inherent danger to everyone around you."
He pointed at Lilith.
"Don't give me that 'you have a problem' bullshit. You're the one that has a fucking eridium addiction!"
"And you!" He yelled pointing at Moxxi. "You're a fucking sex addict and you're the fucking reason I started drinking in the first place."
"You!" He yelled at Maya. "I'm pretty sure you're a closet lesbian. And you" He move on to Axton. "You talk to your turret like it's a living thing! That's way more fucked up than anything I do. And you!" He pointed at Gaige. "You're a... Fuck I got nothing... But all of you have your own fucking issues so stop bothering me about mine!"
There was a silence that lingered for quite a while.
"Mordy we're just trying to help you.." Lilith started.
"Shut the fuck up Lilith! I don't want or need your help!"
"Mordy we just-"
"That's fucking it!" Mordecai yelled. He pulled out his revolver and emptied it into Lilith. There was a collective gasp as Lilith slowly looked down at the bullet holes which now dotted her body. She slumped out of her chair and onto the floor; dead.
Mordecai looked in horror at the corpse. He had just snapped for a moment and now one of his best friends was dead, and all she had done was tried to help him.
"I killed her..." He said quietly. "I really do have a problem." He paused. "All she was did was try to help me, and I killed her for it." A few tears started to fall from Mordecai's eyes. "I'm sorry Lilith, I'm so sorry. I'll sober up, just for you. I'm so sorry I killed you, please forgive me."
As Mordecai pleaded with the corpse, tears streaming down his face, he heard a voice from behind him.
"Are you really gonna sober up?"
"Yes. I promise Lilith." He paused a moment. That voice sounds a lot like Lilith's. He turned around, and there was, a not quite angry but not exactly happy either, Lilith.
Mordecai got up and hugged his supposedly dead friend.
"I thought you were dead. I'm so sorry Lilith. But how are you still alive?"
"New-U station Mordy. You know they have those."
"Oh right."
"So are you still gonna sober up?"
"It's probably for the best that I do. I don't want to kill one of you in a rage again."
"Good. Just remember, we're here for you Mordy."
Then came one of the world's most awkward group hugs.
Problem Drinking: Epilogue
Maya and Axton were walking together in the Highlands. They had decided to get away from the others after Mordecai's intervention.
"I still can't believe he thinks I'm a closet lesbian." Maya said.
"Actually he's not the only one." Axton said.
Maya turned around and slapped Axton in the face.
Author's Note: I'm just going to apologize for putting up three in a row about drunken Vault Hunters. I don't have anymore like that for a considerable amount of updates past this. I'd also like to apologize for making something that was so unfunny.
