A/N: Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me~ /singsong
NO DAMN YOU FANFICTION, THIS STORY WAS UPDATED ON MARCH 26TH NOT MARCH 25TH get my time zone right okay
Hell yeah it's my birthday. B-| MARCH 26TH NOT 25TH DON'T TRUST THAT SHIT. I always wondered which chapter I would upload on my birthday. This one's a good one. We're also more than halfway through the story you guyses. DAS CRAZY.
Well, actually this chapter's pretty crazy 'cause it's full of, well, Legend of Zelda. I played the game numerous times to get this chapter right, and of course I called Link 'Bitch.' I HAD TO BRING THE STORY TO LIFE. Also, a lot of Clyde's comments about the game derive from my older sister, Cassie, who also played the game with me for this chapter.
And yeah, this chapter ends kinda messily and chopped off, so... update either tomorrow or the day after that, as per usual, maybe. XD
I forgot what else I was gonna say for this chapter, so just enjoy~
IX. Hulk
So, Kevin hadn't been back for more than a couple of minutes, and I was already getting started on the game. I had to read through all the "vast, deep forest of Hyrule" bullshit like I always have to, and no matter how many times I pressed A, the text would not go by faster and I couldn't skip a single cut scene. In new games, you can choose not to listen to the background story. Like, like, like in Assassin's Creed II, you can totally just press X one time and you don't have to listen to the whole lame-ass, "My name is Desmond Miles, and this is my story," bullcrap. Because, first of all, Assassin's Creed II isn't even Desmond's story, it's totally Ezio's, and—
"I'm back, dude," Kevin's voice kind of broke my train of thought. He seemed chill now. Smiling, kind of. Like nothing ever happened.
"Welcome back, dick," I said, since I knew this strange kid wouldn't get bothered if I said that. He sat back down on his spot on the carpet, stretching out his long legs in front of him yet again. He leaned back and watched the story go by with me, all with its crappy-ass graphics. (Bitch-)Link's face looked as if he just crapped himself when Ganondorf emerged from the castle, on his horse, both of which looked like it was made out of cardboard, nay, crumpled paper.
"I have no idea what's going on," I said.
"Well, did you read the story?" Kevin pressed.
"Are you kidding? I don't have the attention span for that," I said. The only thing I noticed while I skimmed through the story was that they used old English words, like "thee," "thy," "dost," and "hither." And it really stood out, too, because they were in the middle of all these casual, modern-day English words. Not that I know much about old English, because I don't even know that much regular English in the first place.
What I have learned so far:
1. I am a Kokiri that has been summoned by a tree.
2. The tree can talk.
3. I'm the loser kid because I'm the only one that has no fairy.
4. However, I am still the coolest because I am the only Kokiri who lives in a treehouse with a ladder and everything, as opposed to a house inside of a tree (Kevin pointed this out to me.)
5. The fairy I'm supposed to get, named Navi, is uncoordinated, because when we see the forest from her point of view, she flies between a kid's legs and then hits a wall.
6. It is hilarious when Navi calls me 'Bitch.' It goes something like this:
"Hello, Bitch! Wake up! The Great Deku Tree wants to talk to you! Bitch, get up!"
When Navi started talking to me, I couldn't help but burst out in this fit of retarded laughter. I knew it would be the best to name him Bitch, and Kevin doubted me. I know he didn't want to laugh because he tried to stop me, because when I looked up at him as I was laughing on my back, his face was red and he was trying way, way too hard to try and keep a straight face.
"You can laugh!" I cried. "It's frickin' funny, is it not?"
Kevin giggled the way he did. I've heard Kevin laugh a lot tonight, but for some reason, I think it's rare for him to laugh. He normally comes off as a really serious guy in school, really quiet and keeps to himself, so... for some reason, I felt like I was earning his laughs. He didn't really laugh at just anything. This much I knew.
"It is pretty funny," Kevin agreed.
I sat back up from my position on the floor, and continued to attempt skipping all the dialogue. Kevin didn't say anything about that, since he probably read it all before.
But, when this green-haired whore comes running toward my awesome treehouse, she starts saying, "Yahoo! Hi, Bitch! Finally, a fairy came to you, Bitch! Now you're a true Kokiri, Bitch!"which made Kevin and me laugh really, really, hard. Like, you don't even know.
You had to be there.
Anyway, after the laughter died down (even with the little lingering giggles afterwards, whatever that means) Navi was all like, "Hey! Listen!" And I was all, "No, you listen, bitchbag," which also made Kevin laugh super hard.
Navi told me that I had to go see the Deku tree.
I told her to screw off.
So, I had to go see the Deku tree for whatever reason, because it was summoning me, and as I'm running around the Kokiri forest, I pass by this kid, who just happens to be humping a rock.
"Why is that kid humping a rock?" I laughed.
"He's trying to pick it up," Kevin explained.
"It doesn't look like it," I said.
And then I pressed A next to a rock, and I picked it up real easy. Just like that. I held it above my head like it was the Lion King or something. Then I pressed A again, and I threw it against a tree (someone's house, apparently). The rock shattered. What the hell kind of flimsy crap was it made of so that I could pick it up so easily and break it with just one throw?
"Why is it that this kid has been humping that rock, nay, attempting to pick up that rock, while I can pick it up like it's box of feathers? I am the freaking Hulk. No wonder the Deku Tree summoned me," I said.
Kevin giggled again.
And then Kevin told me that I had to go buy a shield from the Kokiri shop or whatever, and I spent like twenty minutes trying to find forty "rupees" (what the hell is a rupee, anyway? It sounds like a fruit more than a form of currency) to pay for it. The shop only sold shields, but not swords, and, well, I thought that was pretty lame. And when I tried to go through the exit (or entrance?) towards the Tree guy, Kevin didn't even say anything when the dick guarding the exit/entrance didn't let me through. When Kevin did tell me, though, it was kind of like:
"Mido's not gonna let you through if you don't have both a sword and a shield equipped."
"Well, Mido's a dick."
When I started to get clueless, Kevin began to guide me. He held the controller at the same time I was, so our hands were sort of overlapping. He guided my thumb on the analog stick towards this secret passageway and squished my other thumb on A to crawl into that passageway. On the other side of it, there was like this maze-type thing. Kevin let go of my hands and let me do the rest. I went right, and found a blue rupee (that's worth five!) and when I went left, there was this giant boulder coming straight for me, so I kind of cried, "Oh, shit, boulder!" And then when I said that, Kevin dove over and grabbed the controller again, but he still overlapped with my hands. He moved me so I could jump out of the way of the boulder, and my life was saved.
"You..." I mumbled. "You... you saved my life. Again."
"Uh, no, I didn't," Kevin said. "I just saved you from losing a third of your health. "
"My life!" I insisted. "You saved my life!"
"Whatever you say," Kevin droned.
Kevin told me which ways to go, and I almost told him to shut up because I would say that I knew what I was doing, but I really didn't know where I was going, so I kind of wanted to thank him for telling me where to get the sword (which really wasn't much of a sword, it was more like a butter knife), but I never got a chance to say that either because Kevin kept laughing too hard at how many times I had said, "Suck my dick, Mido."
When I finally passed through Mido at the exit/entrance, Mido was certainly unhappy - he said something about not getting how I could be the favorite of the Deku tree and Saria (someone I didn't even bother talking to) and it was not he who was the favorite. Well, sorry, Mido, but no one likes a douchebag.
"Suck my dick, Mido," I said, one last time.
I thought I was running through a plain path of just grass and dirt and stuff, but I was proven wrong when a killer Venus fly trap popped out of the ground. Like usual, I screamed, "Oh, shit, killer Venus fly trap!" But, Kevin did not come to my rescue.
Instead, Kevin was like, "Slash 'em with your sword!"
And I was like, "You mean my butter knife?"
But, it was easy slaying them when I just smashed on B a few dozen times. Apparently, when you kill angry man-eating tulips, you get a souvenir stick, and the game acts as if it's as epic as obtaining a butter knife. It's like, yeah, oh, how great, I got a stick, I can whoop some serious ass with this. I wasn't gonna say this out loud, though, because of how excitedly Kevin exclaimed, "Get the stick, get the stick!"
Then, I finally got to the part with the tree, and it seemed intense. The music got all sappy and dramatic, and then the camera angle panned to the tree, and I burst out laughing yet again.
First of all, the tree was talking to me, again. "Bitch... Welcome.. Bitch, the time has come to test thy courage." Another detail I can't possibly leave out - as if this game couldn't get any better, the tree had a moustache. Because you need a moustache to be a talking tree, right?
I was getting really sick of this game, even though it made me laugh super hard. So, when the Great Deku Tree asked me, ever-so intensely, "Dost thou have courage enough to undertake this task?" I answered, "No."
I just liked the fact that it was an option.
"Perhaps you do not yet have confidence in your abilities..." No, I snipped a few of your killer weeds, I think I might be able to talk on a tree, actually. "Return to the Kokiri Forest to learn the skill of combat... when thou art ready, return here and speak with me by using L..." Way to ruin a dramatic moment by giving me control directions.
And then the music in the game went back to being all happy and flutey. Even the music from the record player, which was louder than the music in the game, began to pick up a little. ("That deaf, dumb and blind kid, sure plays a mean pinball!")
"Dude, turn back," Kevin said, sort of unimpressed.
"I am! I just wanted to see what would happen if I said I didn't have the courage," I said.
"Well, duh, he sends you back to the forest," Kevin replied.
But, when I turned around to go back to the talking tree with facial hair, and I killed those angry tulips again ("I killed you once, stay dead!" I had cried). Then, I realized, I didn't even want to play this stupid game anymore. I'd rather play Wii, PS3, Xbox, anything but this Nintendo 64 crap.
"Okay, I'm tired of this stupid game," I said, dropping the controller onto the carpet. Kevin made grabby hands at the controller and immediately picked it up.
"Show some respect for her," he said, petting the controller.
Her? "Well, whatever, dude, I'm not playing..."
