A/N: Again, Lady Gaga's lyrics, from her song 'Dope', are in italics in the chapter. I have changed a line and a word to make it fit better – I hope you don't mind.
"Why not?" Ramon asked in a whisper. "I know he's got issues, but he's got a right to know." He stopped dead in his tracks. "Unless of course he isn't the father."
Deep hurt and anger flashed across Ally's face. She took Ramon's arm and forcefully dragged him further away from her father and Bobby. "Of course he is the father," she said through gritted teeth. "Fuck Ramon, how can you even think that?"
"I don't, okay?" Ramon said, holding both his hands up in the air in surrender. "I'm sorry I didn't mean it. I know Jack means the world to you. I just don't understand—"
"I'm worried he's going to freak out, okay? What if the news tips him over the edge again?"
Her words gave Ramon pause. "What do you mean again?" he asked, frowning.
Ally swallowed, kept her voice hushed and urgent as she talked. "You know how fucking vulnerable he is right now," she said, hoping Ramon would forget about her slip if she ignored his comment, "how fragile his mental health is, how every little thing is a battle in his head…" Her words trailed off, and she took a deep breath.
Ramon glanced toward the house. "He's looking good to me."
"Today yes, but tomorrow? The day after?" She shrugged helplessly.
"How could you let this happen? You're usually so careful."
"Yeah, well, not careful enough." She cast a quick look around to make sure they weren't being overheard.
Ramon let out a long breath. "You got a test? Go do one now. Pee on the fucking stick, and find out for sure. You've been under a lot of stress lately, and for all you know, you're worrying over nothing."
"I know I'm pregnant, okay?" she snapped. "I know it. I can feel it. I don't need a fucking test to confirm it."
"How?" he insisted. "How can you know? How can you be so sure when you've never been pregnant before?"
Knowing that once again she'd let slip too much, Ally stiffened.
"Ally?"
Keeping her face averted, she sighed.
"Oh, Ally." He looked around the yard, making sure they were still alone, then dipped his head to catch her eye. "When?"
She gave a shrug. She didn't speak for a long moment, but when she did she sounded resigned and defeated, defensive. "It was a long time ago. Before we met. I was still just a kid."
"Jack!" Bobby called loudly at that moment, startling Ally.
Ramon refocused to a point beyond her shoulder, and she turned toward the sound. Laughing and talking, Jackson and his bandmates were walking down the path to the yard. An instinctive smile formed on her lips at the sight, and she wiped her face a little self-consciously. Lukas headed toward the woods where his kids were building a den, while the rest of the band made for the food table. When Jackson made a beeline for Bobby and her father, she turned back to Ramon.
"Not a word, please," she said, pleadingly. "Not even in jest. Ramon, I mean it."
Ramon's eyes shot up to a point beyond her suddenly, and he forced a smile. She was about to turn around when she felt a strong pair of arms wrap around her shoulders. Jackson snuggled his face into her neck while hugging her to him, and she tried to regain her composure. She glanced at Ramon, who smiled back at her a little sadly.
"You two okay here?" Jackson asked, his gravelly voice vibrating against her skin, clearly unaware of the undercurrent.
"Sure," Ally said, smiling as he turned her face toward him.
"Ally was telling me you're having a pool built?" Ramon said, and she refocused her smile onto him, grateful for his unyielding support.
Jackson pulled back from Ally, but kept a loose arm protectively draped around her shoulders. "Yeah, we are," he replied. "You'll have to come and try it, when it's finished. It was Ally's idea. She thinks it'll help with my…rehab."
"Then you won't have to go roam the hills," she said. "You can just swim lengths instead."
Jackson gave an easy shrug. "There you have it. So," he went on, addressing Ramon, "you still want a go on the Harley?"
"For sure," Ramon said, excited again, his gaze flicking to Ally.
Jackson kissed Ally on the lips. "We won't be long," he said, pulling away, "We'll just go down the track and back."
Looking at Ramon, Ally nodded her head. She knew he wouldn't say anything, not until she knew for certain. Instinctively her hand dropped to her stomach and she smoothed down her dress. "Be careful," she called when Jackson put a friendly arm around Ramon as the two men walked away. She went to get herself a drink, then plastered a happy smile on her face and joined her father and Bobby. Charlie barked. She turned toward the sound and watched a little sadly the two boys laughing as they chased him.
By six pm, everyone had left except her father and Ramon. Lorenzo insisted that he would help tidy up and there was no changing his mind. Ramon watched Ally closely, but didn't otherwise say much or mention the pregnancy again. When they left, she gave her father and Ramon extra-long, heartfelt hugs, both returned just as deeply. She couldn't help wishing that Ramon was right. Maybe she'd jumped the gun and wasn't pregnant after all. Just late.
When later that evening Jackson finally came to bed, Ally was writing in her notebook. Charlie jumped up, making himself comfortable at her feet, while Jackson got undressed and into bed. He snuggled up close, and she opened out her arm so he could lay his head in the crook of her shoulder.
"That was beautiful, what you played, Jack, this afternoon," she said in a whisper, leaning her face toward him.
He looked back toward her. "You heard?"
Smiling, she gave a soft nod. "Everyone did."
Frowning, he shifted onto his side. "You really think it was good?"
Again she nodded her head. "It gave Ramon chills. Hell, it gave me chills."
He scoffed. "You always say my music gives you chills."
"Not like that," she said, her tone as earnest as her gaze. "That was raw, Jack. It was pure. I don't think I've ever heard you play guitar like that before."
He gave a quiet chuckle. "That's what Lukas said." And then more introspectively, "Bobby too."
Her expression softened. "He's so proud of you, you know? Of the way you're picking yourself up."
His eyes averting, he gave a stiff nod.
"What else did the guys say?" she went on brightly, feeling the need to change tack.
He shrugged. "They want us to play together again. Start work on another record."
Alarmed that it was too soon, Ally put her notebook down. "Is that what you want too?"
Jackson scratched at his beard. "I don't know," he said musingly. He turned onto his back and fixed his eyes to the ceiling, then shifted back onto his side with his head on the pillow and his arm folded under his head. "What do you think I should do?"
She scooted down, disturbing Charlie, until she lay in a mirror pose to his. "I think you should do what feels right. Keep writing if— when you want to, but don't put any pressure on yourself. The guys'll wait. You've got nothing to prove to anyone."
Smiling softly, he reached his free hand across to stroke her face. "I love you, you know that, right?"
She leaned forward to kiss his lips. "I know."
When she pulled back, he stared at her at length, a tender smile on his lips, and briefly she wondered whether Ramon had told him her period was late. Worried he'd be able to tell just by looking into her eyes, she reached over and turned the bedside light off, casting the room in darkness. She shifted onto her other side, with her back to him, and draping his hand across her stomach he closed the gap between them. Briefly she froze, the symbolism of the gesture not lost on her, and then covered his hand with hers, tugging him to her closer still until his body moulded itself to hers perfectly.
Just when his breaths, blowing warm and even on her skin, were lulling her to sleep, Jackson spoke again. Low raspy murmurs that she soon recognised as the lyrics he'd shared with his band at the barbecue. When she thought he would stop, he continued and sang more lyrics to her, still in whispers in her neck. The words were so personal, so heartfelt, so clearly about them, that her breath caught in her chest. Tears came to her eyes, but she didn't shed them. She daren't move, daren't breathe, lest she broke the spell.
"'My heart would break without you
Might not awake without you
Been hurting low from living high for so long.
"'I'm sorry, and I love you
Sing with me, I beg of you,
I'll keep on searching for an answer cause I need you more than dope.'"
Slowly, hesitantly, she turned around in his arms and did as he'd bid in the song, echoing in a whisper, "'I need you more than dope'."
"'Need you more than dope'," he went on softly, a chuckle bubbling out of him.
"'Need you more than dope'," she finished, her tears finally spilling.
He shifted on the mattress, moving away from her. The movement made her roll onto her back, and slowly, gently, he moved on top of her and murmured still in the same key, "'I love you more than dope'."
Cupping his hands to her face, he laughed and kissed her lips. "You're crying," he exclaimed with surprise, with concern, as he pulled back.
"I'm happy," she replied, choked up, and paused. "Jack, I—there's someth—"
He pressed his index finger to her lips, silencing her. Then he stroked his hand to her face again, touching his fingers to her eyes, wiping at the moisture seeping out of their corners. She stared up at him, at his blue eyes seemingly shining brighter in the darkness, until once again he lowered his mouth to hers for a slow and leisurely kiss. Her body's reaction was immediate, overwhelming. His hand moved beneath her T-shirt, stroking from her upper leg over her waist to her chest, her breasts and nipples, while hers gripped his hair, pulling him closer.
Her hands came up to his shoulders, the back of his head, holding him to her as she sank deeper into his touch and let out a series of small, breathless gasps. When he came up for air she stared up at him again, eyes brimming with love and tears he could not see. Her legs parted of their own accord and when he moved between them she felt his erection, twitching against her sex, already seeking its way in. Their lovemaking that night was slow and unhurried, familiar and soothing.
They gave and took and shared pleasure in equal measure until forgetting about her worries, all of them, she lost herself in the beauty, in the intensity of the moment. There was so much love and passion between them that sometimes she thought it might consume her, and yet she couldn't get enough of his touch and always sought more. When afterwards he kissed her mouth again and rolled off her and, she thought, went to sleep, she curled herself up into his side a little closer and let the tears she'd kept at bay silently fall.
She woke up first the next day. Jack lay prone, sprawled on his side of the bed, fast asleep. She kissed the back of his shoulder tenderly and got out of bed. Charlie looked up, jumped down and shook himself. In the bathroom, she took care of business, grabbed her robe she wrapped herself in and went to let Charlie out. It was still early, the sun only just peeking through the woods. She made herself some coffee she took outside to drink.
For a long moment, she stood on the patio, looking straight ahead in the distance unseeingly, thinking as mindlessly she sipped at her coffee. The peace and quiet was permeating, comforting. She slipped her hand between the folds of her robe and let it rest on her belly, taut and flat from all the hours of dance training. The thought of a baby growing inside her terrified her. She closed her eyes and took in a deep breath, once again trying to convince herself that she was worrying over nothing, knowing deep down that she wasn't.
She took another sip of her coffee, but it had gone cold and idly she wondered how long she'd been standing there. Unbeknown to her Jackson sneaked up from behind, his arms snaking around her waist as he lay his head on her shoulder. Smiling, she leaned her face against his. He let out a contented breath and they remained like this for a long moment. She thought about sharing her fears about a pregnancy with him, but he was so at peace with her and himself that she didn't.
"Come back to bed," he whispered into her neck on repressing a shiver. "It's still early."
She turned to look at him, only then realising that he was nude. "Don't you have an appointment with Dr Cummings?"
"Not until later." He pressed his lips to the tender spot between her neck and shoulder. "Come on. Let's go back to bed. It's cold out here."
And so they did, dozing in each other's arms until the thoughts in her head became too much. Pulling away from him, she reached for her notebook and began to write.
"You mind if I catch a ride into town with you?" she asked when he got up.
"Sure."
"I just got to run some errands, that's all," she said, when he watched her quizzically.
Jack jumped in the shower, and then they got dressed and ready to leave. Jack fed Charlie while she locked up, and they got in the truck. Ally put her seatbelt on and sat staring straight ahead, clutching her purse to herself. He climbed behind the wheel, started the engine and when he looked over at her she gave him a soft smile.
"You okay?" he asked, when he stopped at the end of the track to give way to passing traffic.
"Sure." She tried a smile, but it didn't seem to fool him.
"You're very quiet, that's all," he went on after a beat, looking left and right as he pulled away.
Touching her hand to his leg, she mustered a wider smile. "It's nothing. I'm just a little tired."
"I kind of figured you might be worried about Rez, you know, and going back out there."
Her face softened lovingly. "There's that too."
Flicking his eyes off the road, he gave a knowing nod. "'Cause, you know, it's going to be fine, right? You'll pick everything right back up from where you left off."
He was being so sweet and considerate that tears built, prickling at the back of her eyes. Glad she was wearing sunglasses, she gave a nod, then turned away and looked at the passing scenery through the window. She hated how she was right then, so damn emotional and constantly on the verge of tears, but she didn't seem to be able to rid herself of that funk. When they got into town, Jack parked the truck up kerbside on Main Street. She slipped her ball cap on, shouldered her purse and got out of the truck.
"You got your cell?" she asked, when he joined her side.
He patted his breast pocket and nodded his head. "I'll be about an hour. Does that give you enough time?"
"Plenty," she said, smiling.
"Shall we meet for coffee afterwards? Dino's?"
"Okay."
He gave a nod, moved to kiss her. "I'd better go," he said afterwards, clearly hesitating.
She could see worry in his eyes as he watched her, but he didn't voice it, and she was grateful she wouldn't have to tell another half-lie. She touched her hand to his bearded cheek and smiled. "Go or you'll be late," she said, rising on her tiptoes to kiss the corner of his mouth. After another uncertain nod, he turned on his heels and she stared helplessly at his rapidly retreating form. With a heavy heart, she went the opposite way, stopped to look in a couple of store windows, then browsed in the music store to waste time before finally heading to the drugstore.
There she took a shopping basket and wandered through the aisles, picking up various items and putting them back, finally settling for a few toiletries she didn't really need before she moved to the pregnancy and baby care aisle. The aisle was empty, and she picked up the first pregnancy test she came across, read the instructions on the back of the box and put it back. She did the same with a different brand, and then a third one but all claimed to be 99% accurate. Unsure which one to pick, she grabbed all three and headed to the counter to pay.
She arrived at the diner first, chose a table at the back away from the window, and tucked her purse into her side. Jackson was a regular at Dino's, had been for years, and she knew they wouldn't be bothered. The server came immediately, coffee pot in hand, and Ally sat back while she poured coffee into her cup. She thanked her, and for something to do while she waited for Jackson reached for a menu.
Then she checked the time on her phone. There was a missed call from Ramon, no voicemail. With a sigh, she removed her ball cap and put it and her phone inside her purse. Her hand brushed against the paper bag containing her purchases. She paused, hesitating. She was considering going to the ladies' room to take the test when the diner door pinged open and Jack stepped in. Quickly, she zipped up her purse. He was looking upbeat and happy as he greeted a few of the patrons with nods before casting his eyes around the room and smiling broadly as, finally, he located her.
"Sorry I'm late," he said, sliding onto the bench across from her.
The server came over and after he gave her the nod she filled up his cup with coffee. "Anything else I can get you, Mr Maine?"
Jack looked at Ally questioningly.
She laughed. "I'll share whatever he's having."
Jackson looked at the server and rubbed his hands gleefully. "Alright. In that case, I'll have the large pancake breakfast, with extra bacon and maple syrup please."
The server nodded, then left to place her order before coming back and placing cutlery in front of them.
"How did it go with Dr Cummings?" she asked, when the server was out of earshot.
"It was fine." He drummed his fingers on the table a little nervously. "We talked about how yesterday went, you know, and that was good so…he says I'm making progress."
Smiling widely, she reached out her hand to him, and he took it. "That's great, Jack."
"We're working on strategies," he went on, his head bobbing enthusiastically, "so I learn to recognise the signs and understands the triggers, you know, for the negative thoughts."
Giving an eager nod, she picked up her coffee and took a sip, and he did the same.
"So, I'll just keep taking it as it come," he went on, setting the cup back down. "That's all I can do, right?" Pausing, he cast his eyes around the diner restlessly before bringing them back to her face. "I was going to wait until we got home but…" He reached inside his jacket pocket and produced a small jewellery box. He looked at it a little uncertainly before placing it on the table in front of her.
He flicked his eyes up to her face. "It's for you."
She frowned. "What is it?"
He shrugged. "I saw them in the window and…well…open it!"
Shaky hands raised from her lap to the box. She picked it up and lifted the lid. "Oh, Jack," she said, looking up with surprise. "They're beautiful."
"Yeah? I mean, we can always go change them if you want. Or get our money back."
"No, no. They're perfect. I love them, Jack." Tears filled her eyes unexpectedly, and looking down at the box in her hands she willed them away. She took one of the earrings out and while she composed herself studied it. They were large cluster, pave cubic zirconia stones set in white gold earrings in the shape of…angel wings. Or was it two half hearts? They were unlike anything she'd seen or worn before.
"They're from that vintage store down the road you like," he went on, when she remained silent.
She looked back up. "They're beautiful. Thank you." Immediately, she took out the earrings she was wearing and put on the new ones. "But why?" she asked, smiling tearfully as she touched her fingers to the earrings, checking she'd fixed them on properly. "It's not my birthday."
He shrugged. "That's exactly why," he said, nodding fervently. "Because it's not your birthday."
Her puzzlement intensified. "I don't understand."
His shoulder lifted again. "I just want to say thank you. For everything you do for me. For sticking by me despite everything I put you through every day. For being my rock."
"Jack—" she protested.
He paused, watched her tenderly, earnestly. "I love you. That's reason enough."
A slow smile spread, lighting up her eyes.
"Now that's better," he said, smiling too. "Cause you know…I've been a little worried."
"Worried?"
He gave a soft nod. "About you."
Her gaze averted. "I'm fine."
"Are you really?" he insisted.
She brought her eyes back to his face and paused, hesitating. The words stood poised at the tip of her tongue and yet she couldn't get them out. The server walked up to their table with a bright smile on her face, providing the perfect distraction. She set Jackson's breakfast down in front of him and an empty plate in front of Ally. Returning with her coffee pot, she topped up their cups. "Anything else I can get for you?" she then asked, her eyes flicking between the two excitedly.
"Ally?" Jackson asked, and when she shook her head, he smiled brightly at the server while replying an overly sweet, "No, thank you. This is great."
As soon as they got home, Ally headed to the bathroom and locked herself in. When she took the tests out of their respective boxes, her hands were shaking. She put the tests on the counter and read the instructions fully again. Then she pulled down her pants, sat down on the toilet, peed on each of the sticks and washed her hands. The tips of the sticks changed colour as expected. The instructions said to wait a couple of minutes for the results but no more than five. She lowered the toilet seat lid, sat down on it and waited. Her heart was racing.
"Please," she said, and closed her eyes. "Please. Please."
A knock on the door startled her. "Ally?"
"Yes?"
"I'm going to go and take Charlie for a walk. You want to come?"
"No, thank you."
There was a pause. "You okay in there?"
She swallowed the constriction in her throat. "Sure."
"I won't be long."
"It's okay. Take your time."
Another pause. "You sure you're alright?"
"I'm sure," she said, choking up.
Moving away from the door, Jack called for Charlie, and she checked the first stick, and then the second and the third.
They all showed the same result.
"Shit."
