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Looking Through the Glass
Nathan replayed Haley's last words over in his mind a few times. They had stopped walking and he stood there, staring at her, taking her in as she fiddled with her hands. He didn't like this and he wasn't sure if she was being sincere or coy. Either way, he hated playing games with her when so much as at stake.
Haley wasn't sure why the words had stumbled out of her mouth. She really felt as if she could've smacked herself right then and there. But at the same time, deep down, she knew it to be true. Yes, she had married Lucas. Yes, she was in love with Lucas. She couldn't remember when she had become one of those people that was in love with two people at once.
"That wasn't very fair was it?" she asked finally looking into his eyes. He didn't say anything, just shoved his hands deeper into his trousers and continued walking. "Nathan, come on." She called after him, taking long strides to catch up with him and latching onto his arm.
"I can't do this with you Haley. I just- I can't." he sighed and she nodded, gently letting her grasp of him go, her fingers trailing down his arm lightly.
"I know I'm screwing up your head right now and I am sorry for that. No matter what's happened between us and after us, the fact remains that I can't lose you again. Don't you get that? Once was enough."
"I'm sorry too you know? I left and it was a mistake, I know that. But things changed; I've changed and so have you. We're not the same two teenagers in love with one another with every hope in the world. We're just not those people anymore."
"I'm still the same!" she protested, cursing herself for beginning to tear up. "You might've changed but I am still the same stupid girl in love with you!"
They stood in silence for what seemed like an eternity before she finally gathered up the courage to look at him. He remained rooted in his spot, finding great interest in the grass, the same stoic expression on his face he always had when he was uncomfortable. Usually, he would allow him time to adjust and then approach him again. Somehow she didn't feel like he was ever going to adjust to their new reality.
She wasn't doing this. It really was pointless. She was married. She was…she was done. She blew out her breath and bent down to swoop up her shoes before making her way towards her car. She was angry. All this time, and now he was leaving again. It wasn't her fault, none of it was any of her doing.
"You think you're stupid for falling in love with me?" he asked, stopping her mid stride, finally focusing in on her.
"Well you left Nathan." She bit out a little harsher than she had intended, turning around to face him. When he didn't respond immediately, she proceeded back to the task at hand: leaving.
"I didn't see you trying to follow me."
He didn't know why he had let those words slip from his mouth. That wasn't playing very fair. Mostly he knew that he was pissed and angry at himself and in true Nathan fashion, was taking it all out on her; the one person he loved the most. He wasn't surprised when she stopped, took a few deep breaths, and marched right up to his 6' 3'' stature.
"Oh so what? You could push me away YET AGAIN!" she yelled standing on her tip toes, as close as she could get to him. "Like the previous six months of you pushing me away wasn't enough fun?"
"Hales…"
"Don't you dare Nathan. I used to get so angry at you and do you know why? Because I knew you loved me. I just knew deep down with the way you looked at me that if I was in your life, all the bad and all the pressure would just fall away. But when you told that to me, when you said 'I love you' and then turned around to shut me completely out how was I supposed to know the difference?"
"I'm sorry."
"Sorry. Right. I don't need your apologies Nathan. I never needed apologies or flowers or promises that meant nothing. All you had to do was love me back and you couldn't even manage that."
"I did love you Haley. That never stopped, not for a second." He argued interrupting her. "Don't you dare say that I didn't love you. I know I hurt you. I know it was wrong. But you don't get the right to say that I didn't love you. I'm not perfect, I may not always have showed you like I should have but I always loved you."
Flashback
Haley blew out the candles and sat back down in her seat. The one unruly curl that had shot her nerves earlier was back in its annoying position in front of her eyes. She sat in her little black dress, napkin placed properly in her lap staring at the cold food and the empty chair across from her.
Six months.
He forgot.
She refused to argue with him. It had become almost a daily occurrence with them. It wasn't like them. He was her best friend and of course they bickered but they had never argued. And now, lately, that's all they managed to do. So when she woke up to an empty bed she assumed he was off; possibly making up for their previous issues.
10:57
Why she chose to stare at the stupid microwave with is taunting time, she had no idea. He should've been home hours ago, and she had stupidly thought he would be. Which is why she spent all day cleaning, all evening cooking, and everything after that doing her best to look beautiful. Lord knows, he hadn't made her feel it lately.
She sighed. He wasn't coming home. She could almost laugh at why they had argued the previous night. And over what? He had forgotten to take out the trash. She didn't ask much of him. She cooked, she cleaned, was it such a big deal the stronger of the two take out the trash?
Apparently it was.
11:09
She slipped her napkin off her lap and placed it beside her plate. Her speech, the one she had rehearsed the entire day was nearly forgotten. The next half an hour, she went quietly around her room, their room, and gathered all the things she would need for a night away from it all.
She placed his sweatshirt that she wore the morning after they got married on top of the jeans she wore the day they spent seven hours at the DMV to get the name on her license changed to Scott. The first gift her gave her, a cami top for her birthday was placed in next to the bottle of perfume he had given her for Christmas.
11:43
Nearly midnight and the whole day would be over. It would be just another useless day. She carted her luggage to the living room and when she was a few feet from the door he came stumbling in. Drunk obviously, she shook her head in disappointment.
"Go ahead Haley." He started, slamming the door and throwing his keys, missing the bowl completely. "Tell me how big of a screw up I am."
"I'm not arguing with you Nathan. Why don't you go sleep it off? I'll be at Brooke's."
For the first time he noticed her bag and something in him snapped. He sobered up almost instantly. She was leaving him? Any other time they would argue, they would fuss, they would duke it out till the very end. He then took notice of the neatly set table, the pots in the sink, and the untouched food in the trash.
"Did I miss something?" he asked not moving from his position in front of the door.
"We got married six months ago today." She said quietly. "I thought, I just figured it would be a nice peace offering to smooth things over with us. But-"
"But you're jackass of a husband never came home." He finished and she looked up and he could see her eyes tearing up…even in the darkness. He blew out his breath and took a seat on the couch. "I'm such an idiot Hales."
"You're not stupid Nathan." She said after a few moments of contemplation, taking a seat beside him.
"Really? Because I think I need tutor in marriage." He said burying his face in his hands. "I was still mad this morning and I didn't want to say anything to you to hurt your feelings. You know I get retarded and assy when I get mad. You don't deserve my jackass comments when I get like that though."
"Is there someone else Nathan?" she asked, barely above a whisper. He heard though and his head shot up looking directly at her. She refused to meet his eyes and finally she took her face in his hands and kissed her gently.
"God no Haley. There could never be anyone else. Not when I have you." He told her and she nodded.
"But your losing me Nathan." She replied honestly. "You keep shutting me out and I don't know how to reach you anymore. You won't talk to me and you barely notice me."
"What are you trying to say?" he asked, dropping his hands from her face. She captured them almost instantly, giving them a tight squeeze.
"Maybe, I think it might be really good for us to take some time apart you know?"
Know?
No.
"How is that a good idea? We're married. We're not supposed to take time apart. We're supposed to work through our problems and solve them together."
"But you're not doing that Nathan. You go throw them through a hoop or drink them down. You never face them and you're not offering up any other suggestions on how to fix us. We're not giving this marriage a fair shot and it won't last if we don't."
She hugged him and for a moment he wasn't sure how to respond. If she was leaving him, he doubted she'd come back. She'd find some other guy who loved her senseless and chose to show it to her. Why couldn't he get this right? He was in love with this girl. She was the reason he had the goofy grin plastered on his face. He couldn't lose her.
"Don't leave me." He whispered into her hair and she responded by squeezing him tighter. "Please Hales, I'll do anything. I love you."
End Flashback
She didn't leave that night. She had remained and that entire night he had held her tight against his chest, murmuring 'I love yous' in her ear. It was that night that she felt closest to him and it would be the last. It was a week later when he left their bed, leaving her cold.
"You love me Nathan? Well prove it. Why don't you try sticking around this time." She snapped, the hurt of the past memories bringing fresh pain to her heart.
"You're married to Lucas." Nathan stressed once more. "I know I hurt you Haley and I get that. But for you to ask me to watch you be happy with Lucas is too much. I'm not proud enough to admit that won't hurt the hell out of me."
"If you leave Nathan, I don't ever want to see you again."
"You can't ask me that."
"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. Everything is so painful between us and I don't want to think of you and think of only the bad and the hurt. You left and I never felt so broken and bruised in my life. The last happy memory I have of us is kissing you on that beach. And that's sad because the love we had, we could've had a lifetime of great memories."
"You can have all that with Lucas." He responded, even though it pained him to do so.
"But,"
"But nothing Haley." He closed the distance between them and took her into his arms, her head resting on his chest. "We're adults now and we both have to live with the choices we made. I chose to leave and you chose to move on. Neither of us can take that back now. "
"I feel the same way I felt when I moved out of my parent's house, crying to Mr. Waffles. Everything's so final and I don't want any of this to happen. It's too fast, it's too much. Seven years and I think I could finally get over you and then you're back. And now you're leaving already."
"What did I tell you that day?"
"That you'd always protect me."
"And I was. You were right; we weren't giving our marriage a fair shot because I couldn't grow up. So I left and I did it to protect you. I was slowly self destructing and right for me to bring you down with me."
"We were married though. I loved you. I would've followed you to the depths of hell if I had to. You meant that much to me."
"You meant that much to me to not let you. But I know you're in good hands now Hales. I know Lucas made you the same promise to you to protect you and he'll follow through."
She nodded, burying her head in his chest, finally letting the tears consume her. He was right and she hated it. She hated that couldn't rewind time, that she couldn't change a thing, that she was so conflicted. She couldn't let him leave, not this time.
"I gotta go Hales. I got a flight for tonight."
"Tonight?" she sputtered pulling back from his embrace. "Do you have to go so soon? No, wait, Nathan please you can't go. I need you here."
"You don't need me anymore Hales." He told her painfully, stepping away from her completely. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."
"Nathan wait!" she said running up and latching on to his arm once more. "You came back and I couldn't tell him, I didn't know how. You can't leave this time and I know this is really selfish to ask you to stay under the circumstances but I need you. I'm, I'm pregnant."
