A/N: Hi people! I know it hasn't been that long, but my life has taken some turns these last few weeks, so I had kind of put writing on hold. However -while I had accepted I presumably wouldn't be able to update for the next few months- this chapter came to me the other night, and I had to write it down and I'm quite satisfied with it.
I hope you'll like it as well and thanks to everyone sticking with me and continuing reading. If I don't update for a little while, please know I am not abandoning this story! Who knows, maybe I'll be back sooner than expected! In the meantime, let me know what you think of this story so far!
Chloe's alcohol-inflicted idea to share a friendly kiss between two former lovers backfired when Beca got out harmless and Chloe's own feelings were imploding on her, taking her body and sane mind with them as collateral damage.
Her mind faltered every time Chloe tried to make sense of it all. She went over every part of their relationship from the moment they met in that tiny dorm room in college until that faithful kiss on New Year's Eve, but she couldn't understand why she was feeling again the way she did.
Perhaps she never stopped feeling that way, but her guard had been knocked down. She didn't have anything to defend herself with to prevent the constant flow of mixed emotions and a sea of feelings she couldn't make sense of.
It had been days since that kiss and Chloe hadn't spoken more than three words to her roommate. It wasn't uncommon; they both had very different lives and places that required their presence, except it was the first week of January. Chloe didn't have any classes and the theatre was still closed due to the winter break.
Chloe would never admit to it out loud, but she had been avoiding Beca Mitchell.
She wasn't sure why she did. It was not like Beca was the kind of person to talk about anything, really, let alone things that involved feelings. Yet Chloe made sure she was up before the other party in her house was, which wasn't all that hard, since Beca usually slept through the entire morning hours.
Chloe would go out; grab a coffee with a friend, go to the gym, get groceries even though their cabinets were filled to the max. She would do anything to escape the apartment she shared with a certain brunette.
Beca noticed something was up, Chloe was sure of it. She looked at her in a certain way, as if she was worried about her, but too afraid to ask. And Chloe tried to smile a little more honest to take away those doubts, but she wasn't sure they did the trick.
"You sure you're okay?" Beca tried to act casual one day, but Chloe could see the concern in her eyes.
"Totes!" Chloe lied as she located her shoes on the other side of the room and tried to get to them as quickly as possible in order to leave the apartment.
"Hey, if you want, we can have dinner tomorrow." Beca had proposed gently. "We can go out, or I can prepare dinner for you, for a change." The woman had chuckled. "I can't promise it will be edible, though."
Chloe's heart had warmed at the offering. The idea of spending a night alone with Beca Mitchell was more than tempting. She could almost picture her friend in the kitchen, trying to prepare a meal, cussing over burnt food and eventually ordering in.
Chloe couldn't picture a more perfect night if she tried.
Yet the fear was overwhelming. She didn't know if Beca were to mention the kiss, or if Chloe accidently would let it slip. If she were to say something completely inappropriate, like how she couldn't stop thinking about every other kiss they had ever shared. How Chloe's mind had been playing tricks on her; how she was sometimes so sure they would never get back together again, and other times she would catch herself daydreaming about a traditional Beale-Mitchell wedding.
"I can't." She had said in response while she could feel it break her heart. Beca, on the other hand, appeared to be at peace with the answer. She didn't seem hurt or offended. Perhaps there was just a hint of sadness in her eyes, though.
Chloe had a lie ready on the tip of her tongue, some made-up story about how she already had plans, but with Beca's eyes on her, Chloe simply couldn't get those fabrications out of her mouth.
"I'm sorry." It was all she said before she practically ran out of the apartment.
Chloe felt bad about the way she was behaving, but she was also drowning in sixty other different feelings she couldn't control or identify. Until then, she was going to have to pretend everything was simply fine and there wasn't a dark cloud in Chloe's bright sky.
One night, when Beca was at work and Chloe didn't have any friends around to keep her occupied, when she was alone for the first time since New Year's Eve, every single emotion and thought came pouring out of her and overwhelmed her in a way she could have never imagined. She was left paralyzed on her living room couch with tears stinging her eyes over issues she should have dealt with a long time ago.
It presumably all started when Chloe got into her first serious relationship. Her mother used to tell her about the connections she made in pre-school. How she would come home and claim she had a boyfriend or girlfriend, but those were innocent. To Chloe, everything until high school was innocent. She'd share a kiss here and there, but Teddy was her first real partner.
The boy she dated through almost the entirety of her high school time had perhaps left bigger scars on her than Chloe initially thought. Even looking back on what they had and the single evening they spent in Kansas last year twisted Chloe's stomach and she felt like she might very well start throwing up.
He had lied and betrayed her for such a long period of time. He was the first person Chloe put her trust and love in, and the man crushed it like it was nothing. She was just a clueless teen when all of that was happening and even if she must have known somewhere deep down, she didn't have the tools to emotionally deal with it at sixteen years old.
It wasn't until the truth was put out in the open last year she ran into him in her old neighborhood that Chloe was forced to accept what had happened and how it had affected her in the years after, unknowingly.
Ted had made her feel like she wasn't worth loyalty, trust and honesty to a point that it had settled into her bones and deep into her heart and Chloe believed it. It resulted into another troubled relationship. Tom had his flaws, but contrary to Ted, Chloe felt his love for her. Even looking back now, she knew he mostly had good intentions.
Chloe was already scarred by the time he got around. She told herself –and the man she was dating- that they should keep things casual, but what Chloe never could admit was that those words were rooted out of fear.
Fear of letting someone in again. Loving someone whole-heartedly and giving them her trust and heart only to get hurt again.
Perhaps Tom never had a real chance. Chloe had written him off as another Ted from the very start, expected him to follow his steps and do to her what the previous man had done to her. Perhaps Chloe had encouraged the behavior. Had wanted it to happen, because it was what she deserved. What she was taught she deserved.
When history did repeat itself, Chloe wasn't surprised, but the pain was somehow worse than the first time. Every time she was forced to watch the man she was dating get up and leave their booth to dance with another girl, every time his eyes would leave her during a private dinner for any girl that would make eye contact with him, a part of Chloe broke.
Chloe hurt until it didn't hurt anymore. Until all of that pain and heartbreak had become the standard. Until she couldn't see how it was supposed to be, how it should have been.
When that relationship came to a fateful ending, the pain over the circumstances as to how it went down was obviously very real, but there was also a sense of acceptance and understanding present. It was nothing that Chloe wasn't used to or expecting all along.
Then Beca Mitchell came along and she contradicted everything Chloe was taught, which is why it was hard to watch her go. She was improving as a person within the relationship she had with the woman and even though it hadn't settled in her mind yet, Chloe was starting to believe she was deserving of a love like that. A connection that would be built on trust and loyalty. One where she wouldn't have to worry or expect a certain behavior to break her heart all over again.
When Beca left for Los Angeles –for completely valid reasons and with all of Chloe's support-, she couldn't stop the demons from crawling back inside her mind. The voices of past lovers whispering and feeding into her insecurities.
By the time she found Beca Mitchell again, those dark thoughts had reclaimed their place inside Chloe's mind, nested a nice and comfortable home there and weren't planning on vacating it any time soon.
It didn't matter what Beca did, because the voices were louder than Beca's actions. They were louder than anything, even Chloe's own feelings.
But upon this realization, as Chloe looked back and was able to identify her own flaws, mistakes and insecurities -as well as the fault others played in the matter- it set part of her free. It would take time –weeks, months, perhaps even years- for all of the damage to leave her body, but for now, the voices had stopped screaming and Chloe –for the first time in months- could listen to her heart again.
It was quite obvious. It had been there all along. Chloe couldn't understand why she hadn't seen this before.
Beca Mitchell had given her no reason at all not to trust her. She had been there for her, every day since she found out Chloe was living in the same city as her again. She had been supportive of her dreams and her decision to pursue art, despite it being a less than traditional way to earn money after graduating college.
Beca had done a lot for her. She had purchased her an adjustable drawing table to get Chloe to stop spending her evenings on the floor and messing up her spine. It wasn't given out of some selfish reason; a point to her name on the scoreboard, or a favor she could ask in return for it. She had come to the theater play Chloe helped set up and directed, because she knew it was important to her. Beca had even brought her flowers, which was very unusual for the woman.
Despite the issues the woman had with verbally expressing her love and care, Chloe could see now that Beca Mitchell easily did it through actions. It showed in everything she did; Chloe just had to pay attention.
Something that was pushing their friendly relationship and Beca's boundaries was Chloe's proposal to move in with her. Yet Beca barely gave it a second thought, even though Chloe had promised her nothing in return.
They had agreed to take things slow, but Chloe was holding back out of fear and Beca never once pushed her into giving more. She wasn't the one flirting or initiating a kiss; that was all Chloe. Because she wanted more, but she was too afraid of what would happen if they started dating again. That rooted out of Chloe's own insecurities and doubts, and it in fact had nothing to do with Beca at all.
Chloe learned a lot that evening and even though it was a huge relief, Chloe couldn't help but cry. Over Teddy. Over Tom. Over Beca. And perhaps most importantly, she cried over losing herself.
When she ran out of tears to cry, Chloe regained her strength and determination to find her way back again. It would be a long road, but she was excited to become the woman she could have been all along. She would still be the cheerful and happy girl everyone had come to know, but she would also be fierce and strong. Never again would she let someone use her, take advantage of her or allow them to break her heart over and over.
Even though Chloe couldn't picture Beca hurting her, she knew now that even if she did, even if Beca were to leave her again, Chloe was going to have to learn to survive that without letting the darkness back in.
Chloe was going to learn how to be independently strong.
She went to the bathroom to freshen up and she checked the clock when she returned into the living room. It was just past midnight, which meant Beca could come home any second now. Chloe's face was washed, her head was cleared and her mind was made up.
She was finally going to talk to Beca.
The conversation was long overdue, but Chloe needed this minor breakdown to come to more than one important revelation. She wasn't going to inform Beca of all of them, just the one that was key to reestablish their romantic relationship.
She was going to tell her she was still in love with her. That she always had been. That she was sorry it took her so long. That nothing could ever get in between them ever again. That she wanted nothing more than to have another chance.
Chloe contemplated changing clothes, but she figured it wouldn't matter if she poured her heart out to the woman she loved in her pajamas or the prettiest dress she owned. Neither would have any effect on Beca's response and Chloe loved her perhaps even more because of that.
She went into the kitchen instead, found the nearest bottle of wine and popped it open. She didn't know what the occasion would be. Chloe hoped it could be used for a celebratory toast later that night, but if things wouldn't go as planned, at least she would be prepared to drink away her sadness.
Chloe's stomach was turning as seconds seemed to pass by slower than usual. She was feeling sick, but nothing was going to change her mind, not even a trip to the bathroom. Chloe was going to do this, no matter what it could do to their strong friendship and the shared rental of Los Angeles property.
However, she decided to stay focused on the incidents of the last couple of months that would reassure her that Beca felt the same way. She tried to remember the nights Beca had stayed up with her and simply listened to her rants about art projects, annoying students who were more creative than her and the constant feeling of failing in life.
Beca would somehow always put her at ease. She didn't know exactly how she did it, but she admired her for it. For a woman that claimed she had trouble expressing herself through words, Beca Mitchell managed just fine in times of distress. When Chloe truly needed them, Beca provided her with the right and soothing words.
Chloe wanted Beca back completely, one-hundred percent, in every way. She could probably get away with flirting with the girl forever and stealing the occasional kiss here and there. Beca wouldn't turn it into an issue and Chloe could have her that way without having to face her insecurities and built-in personality flaws.
But it wasn't enough anymore.
Chloe wanted all of the woman. It would take effort, both within the relationship as well as the personal growth she would have to achieve in order to create something healthy, something similar to what they had for a while, but Chloe would do anything.
She had never been so sure of something in her entire life.
At the exact time of that realization, Chloe heard a door slam shut multiple floors down. The footsteps that followed weren't perceptible to Chloe, yet she could feel it was Beca approaching her. Even though it didn't make any sense, Chloe knew Beca was home seconds before she stepped through the door opening.
Chloe was nervous. Excited, but scared nonetheless. It was the kind of fear you only get when you're about to confess your love to an ex-girlfriend.
Chloe wanted to greet her roommate, but her breath got caught in her throat and perhaps if Chloe's eyes weren't blurred out of nervousness, she could have spotted something was wrong on instant. This time, though, it took Beca's words to make that clear to her.
"I did it." Beca seemed to breathe out heavy, yet in relief. "I finally did it. I quit my job."
