Author's Note: I had to focus on Ichigo for the first several chapters, but this marks the first time I start to get into the points of view sometimes from other characters.
Chapter Nine
Ichigo laughed uneasily. "What are you talking about, that's ridiculou -"
And then he stopped. Because he'd thought about it.
He was much better at recognizing what was going on with men than with women, but based on his father he'd always just kind of figured that was a guy thing. But that wasn't quite what Orihime was saying, was it? She was saying he noticed men more.
He thought of a supposedly hot girl. He thought of Orihime; everyone said she was pretty. And, well, he saw her as a very good friend, so thinking of her that way made him uncomfortable. What about another hot girl? What about… what about his PE partner, or Ayame, or that girl from the party just now…?
He tried to imagine making out with them. And he was as he'd said: embarrassed, curious, and confused. So. He took it that was a bad sign. He'd just never really thought about it much before; his Dad was super awkward, maybe it just ran in the family.
But his Dad would definitely have reacted, he felt, to kissing a girl. He'd have been a total perv about it, but he would have enjoyed it.
Ichigo thought of the "fuck it" attitude Akigara had talked about. Of his newfound gender neutrality. But that didn't have to make someone gay, did it?
He finally went to the taboo thought. He considered making out with a hot guy.
One of Chad's bandmates had a brother. He was pretty hot. Ichigo tried to imagine making out with him, or the guy noticing him, or even looking at him… And he felt hot all over. He was sure he would have noticed.
Then his thoughts stopped cold in his tracks. One of Chad's bandmates has a brother. He's pretty hot.
That… was not… a straight guy thought. Saying someone was nice-looking was one thing. That could just mean "you're dressed well today." Calling them hot… that was another thing entirely.
Oh. Fuck.
Orihime had to come to terms with this. She sat in her apartment later that night, thinking about it, extraordinarily upset.
The guy she was in love with… was gay. Life was unfair, and she'd already known that, but she was certain this went to whole new levels of unfairness.
Orihime had always noticed Ichigo. He'd been there at the hospital the day her brother had died. Later, she'd seen him in school. "Oh, yeah, that's Kurosaki Ichigo," Tatsuki had said casually. "We used to take karate classes together. We've known each other since we were, like, five."
Ichigo was handsome. That was simple to see. Tall and slim, lithely muscular, with messy orange hair and a rebel without a cause sort of aura. He got into fights a lot but got excellent grades, was loud and sarcastic but also a great reader. He was… interesting. Full of sharp edges and intelligence.
But Orihime had seen the look in his eyes the day her brother had died. The alarm and desperate sadness and gentleness. And she felt there had to be more to him than that.
She'd always been a sucker for ferocious guys with a softer side.
But she hadn't really gotten to know him until the death of his father. She'd helped him every step of the way, watched him transform, and gotten to know him in a way she never entirely had before. She wasn't all right about him. He was more quiet, awkward, and reserved than he was loud, his sarcasm was mostly loving, his intelligence was more inherent than it seemed, and he was surprisingly artistic. It had been interesting… the traits that had stayed and the traits that had changed.
She also had to admit, she liked his new look. She could see why so many people were into it. It had that androgynous look everyone was such a big fan of, but there was a kind of subtle, serious masculinity under it that was all Kurosaki Ichigo.
But more than that, more than anything? She'd found he was very brave and protective, astonishingly dedicated his sisters, surprisingly responsible, and a really nice person.
And she'd been totally in love.
And now she felt stupid. Because he was gay.
There was a knock on her apartment door. "Hey. Can I come in?" Tatsuki's voice.
"S-sure," Orihime said softly. She and Ichigo had awkwardly and silently gone separate ways out there in the street, so what could her friend want?
Tatsuki came in calmly and sat down beside her. "We snuck after you and overheard what happened," she said, in that blunt way only Tatsuki could.
Orihime nodded, tearful, too sad and downcast to say anything about it.
"That Ichigo," said Tatsuki at last. "He surprises me at every turn."
Orihime looked up questioningly through her tears. "Tatsuki-chan?"
"He's always been a weird kid," Tatsuki mused. "And with his total lack of notice and complete embarrassment toward girls, I guess I should have figured it out. Ichigo's always been different. He had these weird imaginary friends until super later in life. Did I ever tell you that? Kids used to make fun of him. Said he was talking to dead people, or people who weren't really there. I had to defend him from lots of bullies."
"Someone had to defend Ichigo?" said Orihime wonderingly.
"Yeah. Before his Mom died, he was this really cheerful, smiley, daydreamy nerd with excellent grades. A lot like you, actually. He was a total wimp when it came to karate, too. He could never really give me a good hit, I always beat him, and he cried whenever he lost. He was really sensitive - not in the romantic way, but in the actual psychological sense.
"His Mom's death changed a lot of things. He was so attached to her, I think a part of him died with her. Or at least, there were things about himself that he felt he had to cover up. But his reaction to his Dad's death has been interesting. It's almost like it freed him more to be himself - to find a balance between the person he used to be, and the person he became.
"That's not to say I think it's weird to be gay, and it's not to say I think he's glad that his Dad is dead. I just… I don't know what I'm saying. Just rambling, I guess.
"Look, Orihime." Tatsuki looked over at Orihime intently. "Ichigo really needs your friendship. I think, maybe, even more badly than he needs mine. You know I'd kick the ass of anyone who purposefully broke your heart, but I don't think Ichigo meant to. This time, he couldn't help it. He was just… being Ichigo. He's so stoic, it's easy to forget how totally out of it he used to be as a kid. How totally out of it he probably still is.
"If you can, try to forgive him for it. He's - despite everything, he's still a good guy."
Karin was the one to open the door when Keigo and Chad showed up on the doorstep.
"Come right in if you want," she said bluntly. "But I think my older brother is having a mental breakdown."
They entered the room to find Ichigo staring blankly down at the floor with his mouth open, kind of half curled up on the couch, breathing a little harsher than usual. Yuzu was rubbing his back sympathetically.
"So. Ichigo. You like dudes," Keigo started out with cheerfully.
Chad signed. "... Subtle, Keigo."
Something worked. Ichigo came back to himself and shot up on the couch, his face beet red. "How can you be so casual about this?!" he yelped. "I'm -!" It was like he couldn't even say the words.
"Yeah, so?" Keigo shrugged, amused. "Don't grab my ass and we'll call it settled."
Ichigo just stared at them, lost.
"Ichigo," said Chad, frowning slightly. "It's okay."
"Yeah," said Karin with her arms crossed. "It actually does explain kind of a lot."
"We did always wonder why you never showed more interest in women," said Yuzu helpfully, nodding.
Ichigo sighed, pained. "And you never pointed this out to me, because -?"
"How the hell were we supposed to tactfully bring up a question like that?" Karin asked flatly.
"... Point," Ichigo admitted, ignoring, for once, Karin's swearing.
"What's the big problem?" Keigo wondered. "It's not like you're Chizuru - things won't suddenly change just because you're admitting to something that's been happening all along."
Ichigo did relax at this minutely. "I just… it's embarrassing."
"Why?"
"Because of Dad," said Karin perceptively. Ichigo paused. Karin sighed and turned to Keigo and Chad. "Look," she said, "Dad would never have turned Ichi-nii away for being gay. But he was a naturally masculine, kind of pervy guy with no sense of tact who loved embarrassing his kids. And he'd totally have embarrassed the ever-loving shit out of Ichigo for being some gender neutral gay guy.
"And Ichi-nii's having issues with that."
"I just… I keep wondering what my parents would have thought," Ichigo whispered down to his hands.
"Well," said Yuzu thoughtfully, "Mom would probably have tried setting you up with guys. And Dad would have been really out-there about how proud of you he was."
Ichigo looked up. "... You think?"
"Definitely." Yuzu smiled. "The only person who's judging you right now, Ichigo, is yourself."
"Myself and the world," said Ichigo dryly.
"Yeah," said Karin, "well, the world can go fuck itself. You, Ichi-nii, taught me that."
"... Thanks," Ichigo whispered, staring around at them all.
He still didn't think he'd totally moved past getting over it. But he decided he would try.
Later, the next day at school, Orihime and Ichigo met each other's eyes and smiled shyly. "Hey," said Orihime.
"Hi," said Ichigo, and it actually was kind of adorable how awkward he was.
Orihime walked up to him and they locked arms. Ichigo blinked in surprise. "I've always wanted a close friend to talk guys with." Orihime smiled. "Tatsuki-chan's never been any use for that. Come on, Ichigo. You'd better get comfortable talking about guys really fast."
Ichigo paused, and smiled, grateful, his eyes gentle. "Sounds good, Orihime."
