SCULLY'S POINT OF VIEW
It seems humorous to me that the most random events in our lives leave the largest impact. Just this afternoon, I had been a different person. Different from who I am now at the moment, as I sipped coffee late at night for no good reason. I have work following early in the morning, though I do not believe I will be able to sleep tonight.
I debated on whether or not I should call Mulder, but there was a huge possibility that he was sound asleep, as he should have been, unlike me.
Then again, I also know that the idea of him nestled deep into his slumber is a flimsy, but reasonable, excuse to not converse with him before I felt fully ready. There was far too much on my mind concerning him as the subject, to strike up a conversation with the source of my confusion. What would the conversation have consisted of? "Mulder, it's me. I just wanted to let you know the date had a different outcome than expected...what's that, I sound stressed out? No no, not at all. I'm just worn out. Talk to you tomorrow." I needed a few hours. In the state I was currently in now, there would be no way for me to talk to him, and babble about non-important topics when there were internal conflicts that bubbled under the surface of my calm exterior. I may let more slip out than I intended, which would be terrible. Thankfully, I knew I would be composed for work in the morning.
There was too much I wanted to say, and there was so much I was undecided on, in terms of how I would go about dealing with all of these emotions, and in turn conveying them in a subtle but more obvious way to him. That was the plan, at least. As long as I remain subtle, if he noticed the slight change, one of two things could happen. One, is that he could take the opportunity and run with it. The second, is that if nothing happened at all on his part, I would not feel ashamed. There would be no awkwardness, and our dynamic would not be drastically changed. In order to make this fool proof, I would cling to the last option, just in case. I would hate to assume all of this would work out when in reality so much could happen to get in the way. And by happen, I mean not happen.
To my core, I meant what I had promised myself earlier. There was indeed a fire that had been ignited within me. Instead of ignoring what I felt to the best of my ability, as I usually did, I needed to grant myself freedom. There were no longer limits, as far as I was concerned. Naturally, I would not go so out of character as to change the way that I am. But, that is where Mulder comes in. From now on, with any occasion that breaks the boundary of friendship and he begins to flirt as he so often does, I will not disregard him.
I ponder how hard that will be. I am so accustomed to holding back, to shunning my emotions, and portraying the opposite of what I felt to Mulder. Whenever he did something flattering, all too often I responded with a dry manner. This is what he is accustomed to as well from me, by now. I wonder if it will throw him off to see the change in my behavior, and if he will either accept it or become confused by it.
I tried my hardest to dig into the files of my own memory to remember the times when I did not hold back. There was that moment he and I shared, some years ago, in the forest. He had made the comment of stripping nude and sharing a sleeping-bag, to which I responded with allure. For a brief moment, the expression on his face seemed...could I be as bold to suggest that the expression was hopeful? If that was indeed the case (I was definitely counting on it) then this plan may work well.
I only wanted to show him more obviously how I felt. That was all. It was entirely up to Mulder to decide where it goes, if we move forward in any way. That is where the fear element comes in for me. I was putting my complete faith in him. Faith, first and foremost, that he may as well have feelings for me in the way that I feel for him, with the hope that he held a willingness to pursue more for us just as I wanted to do. I had unconsciously made that decision long ago, but now it would be evident to me.
Also, I had to consider that it might not actually progress to anything at all.
I will not allow myself to overload and put too much on my plate. After all, I have to draw a line somewhere. I will only hope for the moment, that Mulder might recognize what I was trying to do, and we begin to move forward in some small way. I would not allow myself to grow attached to mere fantasies.
But, I could go ahead and plan for the possibilities, just in case. As long as I did not become dependent on my wishes, it would be fine. After all, I had gone 7 years without a single plan being formed. I deserved a little room to ponder and stretch my imagination, and I did not want anything going unconsidered. Surprises were not my fancy.
"What if" is where I headed now...
Let's begin with the positives: What if it worked out? Mulder and I are fond of unspoken, hushed affection. If it did begin to work out (i.e. we flirt openly with each other and make it known that, without a doubt, we want it to go in this direction) it would not be stated verbatim. But, he and I would both be aware of a change. How would we take it to the next level, if I could go as far to suggest becoming a couple? There is a friendship at stake. I would not want to rush into this quickly. We would need to allow ourselves to grow for quite some time, in terms of comfort with the change of being aware of our romantic feelings. So that, of course, neither of us is turned on and intrigued solely by the idea of the unknown excitement. If that were the case, and we rushed into a relationship, it could get very boring, very quickly.
I wanted us both to be comfortable with long-term. I did not foresee it working out without a long-term commitment. Surely, he would feel the same. It seemed ridiculous to have a wonderful friendship for such a long time, just to date for a few months and end it. It would be impossible to undo everything that we had progressed to over that short time.
This would have to be discussed at length at some point, if we ever reached it.
I also had to consider the changes that would occur in the process. How would we conduct ourselves at work? We could not let on there. We would run the risk of Skinner having our asses, although Skinner had overlooked quite a lot of our rule-breaking, and by this point probably assumed that we have been sexual without the excessive benefits for quite some time. There is the possibility that he would not fire us for it, but I did not want to take that chance. So, we would not let our work colleagues in on our romance.
But, it's not like either of us have true friends there, so I suppose it is not a secret if there are not people who really desire to know what could be going on. I will disregard how depressing that is only for the moment.
How would we conduct ourselves with each other? Friendship had always been our dynamic. It was what I fell in love with from the start. With the addition of sex (I flush at the possibility, but it must be considered), I wonder how much would change. I did not want Mulder to change his actions with that addition, or myself. It would make the changes far too complicated to deal with. The way I saw it, we would carry on as we would as platonic friends in public, and for most of the private moments we would have as well. Romance would only be in private, so very, very private. Like a switch, as I had referred to Sheila some time ago, although in different context. What if our relationship were like a switch? One for the friendship, one for the romance. It seems far too black and white, while most couples dwelled in a grey area, but once again, Mulder and I will never be "normal". Neither of us was very affectionate, so it seemed to me that it was plausible. Innuendo and verbal sparring was the usual extent of our subtle flirting, which I loved, because there was such an intellectual bond involved.
Who is to say it would not work...who is it say it could not work?
Oh, sweet possibilities.
Let's go ahead and tackle the negatives: As I said before, if Mulder and I do not progress in any way to begin with, I do not consider it a negative, because there would be no awkwardness. I could pretend as if I never had the thoughts I consider now. It would be a little hard, but it would not be impossible. After all, I had been faithful liar and denier this long.
The negatives come into play if he and I begin this together and hit a snag. No couple is perfect, we will surely not be the exception. We are not perfect in the way we are now, and adding a title would not improve us in any way. But, what if he and I began this, and realized it was no longer what we wanted anymore. It could be after months, or, it could be after years. But the fact is, it could happen. And, it more than likely would be me deciding to move on, I am not too proud to consider that. What upset me most, however, was Mulder's absolute dedication to lost causes. If our relationship would benefit in the future most by splitting up due to countless issues, he would deny it consistently, and fight for us even when there was no longer anything to fight for, which made me feel sick. How would we handle it?
I suppose the friendship dynamic could help there. If we broke it off, we would not have to change daily habits. We would come to work, do our jobs, and go home, conducting ourselves to the public as we always have. The only place it would become disturbing for us would be if we became accustomed to romance together, and, yes, the sex. How would we make the transition to being just friends again? If being just friends is not gratifying enough now, it would surely mean less to both of us if we became romantic partners and then took it back like it was nothing. So much would have to be undone.
I do not know how I would handle it.
To know I have failed is not something that I am good at. But to know I have failed with Mulder...
It was simply just too much.
Attempting to have a relationship meant taking risks. We are not promised anything. He and I would both go forward being aware of this. We would have to realistically consider that it may not work. But, it is so much easier said than done. Even though the benefits far exceed the negatives, it is still a touchy subject. And it will only get worse as we progress (if we progress). The secret fear in the back of my mind would eat away at me...and the fear of losing him at first. It would plague me more than it would Mulder. I wished so desperately at times to be as go-with-the-flow and optimistic as he was, but I was far too realistic to allow myself to do that.
It cannot be helped. I would have to overcome my fears.
But, I love Mulder. And I need him, just as I believe he needs me. Despite the challenges that may arise from a nasty break-up, he and I have to be involved in each others lives. It may take great dedication to overcome the complications, but we would have to defeat them. There is no other option, plain and simple. That is the only thing I am sure of.
As far as I'm concerned, it has always been Mulder and I against the world. I do not believe anything could change that, not even a damaged ego.
I glanced at the clock. 12:41 A.M. distinguished itself in bright red glow through my dark bedroom. I began to nod off to sleep, peaceful for the first time all day.
I was soon awoken at 12:58 A.M.
I scrambled to my feet, as one does when being forced from a fresh slumber. I fiddled through my room to locate my cell phone, before I became aware that it was my house phone that was ringing. I paled immediately. Late night phone calls never meant good things. I dreaded to hear the sound of my mother or one of my brother's voices. What if my job had endangered my family once again? My mind flashed to Melissa.
"Hello?" I answered, more frantically than I had intended.
"Scully..." he said, letting out a sigh, "It's me. I, um, know it's late. I hope I didn't wake you up but you never called me, and I got a little worried," said Mulder. I eased at the sound of his voice.
"Mulder, no no, don't worry. I wasn't really asleep. I didn't keep you waiting, did I?" I asked, hoping that he had not wasted a whole night waiting for the call he had requested.
"Me? No, not at all... I fell asleep after a while, but I just woke up and I remembered that I hadn't heard from you..." He remarked. I had heard this tone used by him on numerous occasions, such as when I had ventured away for the weekend, only to return to find pencils in the ceiling of our office. And, he sounded completely alert. There was nothing in the tone of his voice to indicate that he had ever fallen asleep. I smiled.
"Oh? Well, I sure hope you slept well," I said, stifling a laugh. I would play along.
"...How was your date?" He said, high-pitched after a long pause. Did I sense false optimism?
"It was alright. Not what I had expected... but not terrible," I said.
Oh, Mulder. You have no idea.
"That's great Scully. That's just really great. Think you'll go out with him again?" He asked boldly. I was shocked at his alertness this late, or rather early, in the morning.
"No, I don't believe I will," I said, not trying to be mysterious but truthfully not wanting to go into detail of what had occurred. It was a a lot even for Mulder to believe.
"Did he pull something? I told you that you should have taken your gun!" he declared.
"No Mulder, calm down. He did not try to pull anything," I said. I tried my hardest to sound stern, when in reality I was trying to hide the fact that I was finding this all too humorous.
"Oh, well never mind," he mumbled.
"Mulder, sleep tight okay?" I cooed, as I was exhausted, and needed to rest my mind from its Mulder-overload.
"I expect to hear every detail in the morning. I want to know all about your night," he said more gently.
"Yes, I will," I agreed.
"Oh, and Scully?" He asked. He really tried to draw this conversation out. I openly admitted to myself that I found it adorable.
"Yes, Mulder?" I said in response.
"You looked good tonight. Really good."
"Thank you. Now rest your pretty little head," I said ,as if addressing a child.
"Yes ma'am. Goodnight," he replied with a laugh, and his words resonated in my ear.
His voice was the last thing I heard before I drfited to sleep once more.
And let me just say, it was absolutely the best way to fall asleep.
