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Chapter Nine
"Our greatest evils flow from ourselves."
- Jean Jacques Rousseau
19 December – Saturday Afternoon – Edward's POV
Just a little closer . . . the mellifluous voice in my head crooned. It could smell the fright from Bella. You deserve this, Edward. All the decades you have sustained. All that rich, thick, warm, crimson blood – all at your disposable. One bite into that defenseless neck, that's all it takes, and the blood will gush out like a geyser.
Mmm, smell the panic, complete bliss.
No . . . I argued with myself. I wondered if I had hit the pinnacle of my lucidness. Killing someone they had come to loved would have been unforgiveable. I could never disappoint my family in such an affectation. They had been my life in such a bleak existence. How could I ever hurt Carlisle after all the strife and turmoil I had already created in his life? I can't harm the girl.
But the blood, Edward, imagine the saccharine taste, spilling onto your dry tongue, the voice that was quickly becoming my conscious, whispered. I had never experienced such a thing. While I had gone through my rebellion I was in complete charge. I had never allowed the animal within me to rule during my vigil-anti, in case there had been a person not deserving around to be bitten and drained. I had taken the utmost responsibly when I condemned a person to death (that seemed almost like an oxymoron when I thought about it).
A picture of the little child shot into my head and the voice quickly seemed to dispel. I wondered about her power and her already prevalent influence in my life. I couldn't quite understand her appeal, or why she was the one to help with the longing I felt in ending her mother's life. Just like my dead existence on the earth, some things were simply unexplainable.
The wind around us kicked up and blew her tantalizing scent straight into my clenched gut again. I seemed to have no saving grace in that next moment except for a little child that didn't even have the ability to hold up her head fully. The smell of my singer's life source was enticing and I knew nothing would have ever been as glorious as the call of that particular sanguineous fluid.
Bella's fears were finally vocalized as her screams of fright pierced the air. It amazed me, the joy I felt from her terror. Before I could bend down again, more imagines bombarded my mind, and intensified my longing to taste her blood.
Middle aged woman – looking around an empty street – walks to her car and fumbles with her keys – she is in a fright – the fragrance of her blood is all that's noticed – woman smiles – turns around – her neck is quickly snapped – blood flows freely – ultimate nirvana.
Bam!
I fell to the side as something solid collided with me. The images soon disappeared as growling filled my ears. I felt as my arms were pinned to my side and my legs were sandwiched between someone else's. In that moment, another saving grace had arrived and saved the girl, and also myself. All I wanted in that moment was to curl into a ball and evaporate. I had never wanted this life, and today was the proof of why. The lives I had taken had been my choice, and they were always something I would regret, but the decision to take Bella's life had been almost beyond my control. I had been seconds from literally ending her.
Even though I had pulled myself away from her and begged her to run, I knew if I had allowed my demon to take over, distance wouldn't have mattered. It was a sad reality to what I was. The grief that took over me was overwhelming and I prayed that the fire of my guilt would do it's required job and finish me off, but as time passed I knew even I wasn't that blessed.
I pulled away from my thoughts and finally opened my eyes to the disaster I had caused. Blonde hair, stormy obsidian eyes, and a fierce snarl on his lips is what greeted my sight. Jasper had arrived in time and saved his love.
"Jasper, please be careful," the foolish girl yelled. I couldn't comprehend why she was still even around. I had given her the opportunity to run, and yet I could still hear her shouts to my rabid brother.
"Don't worry about me, angel!" his growls ceased as he screamed at her, almost ripping his vocals. Jasper's thoughts demanded entrance into my head once more and I watched as he thought of her life and how he loved her beyond reason. His loved touched me, but it was something I couldn't empathize with. Those feelings of romantic adulation were foreign to me. A love that was pure and untouchable.
The only pure thing that I could understand or that had ever gotten so near me had been the little child. Mental descriptions of Rose feeing her, kissing her plush little cheeks and neck, Rose smelling her and sighing with so much love she felt for the little child; so untainted by the vile things of this world. The more I contemplation her, the more I pulled on those memories and innocence and fought the pull of the thing that resided in me. I stopped my internal fight and rejoiced as my body started to become limp.
The more I pondered these things, the more control I was able to assert. Little by little, I could feel my proper self returning.
"That right, brother," Jasper's voice filled my raging ears. All the sounds around me were loud and penetrated my brain. "Fight, Edward. You are stronger than that longing inside of you. There is still your humanity. You're the strongest of us all, brother. Do something that even I couldn't accomplish," he pleaded. I could read the clear regret he had, for taking Shelley's life, in his thoughts.
You had such an opportunity . . . the voice chided once more before I pushed it away and did my best to diminish my demon into my black depths.
My body quickly sagged once more, devoid of the chase and the adrenalin that had coursed through me. My kind thought that we couldn't tire, but how wrong they surely were. I was more than proof that a vampire could reach his or her limit. The sound of tires spinning out on the gravel pulled Jasper's eyes from my own and onto his love's retreat. I exhaled the tension from my body, making sure not to inhale. I could only imagine how her scent still hung in the air.
Silence, except Jasper's labored breath, filled the space around us. I had refused to breathe.
"Why and how were you able to stop?" Jasper immediately asked once he was certain Bella had gone.
I knew this was the thing he was thinking the most right now. He was, of course, worried about Bella and her being my singer, but he wanted to know how I was able to stop myself. The curiosity in his mind was a powerful thing, which pulled at my concentration until all I wanted to do was answer him. I wanted to answer him honestly, but felt penitent in whom I had used to overcome such horrendous thoughts. I wanted to curl into a ball for using someone so innocent for my nefarious thoughts.
"Why are you feeling so guilty, Edward?" his voice was filled with both anger and concern. His thoughts told me he may have suspected something happened with Bella over my guilt, but was also worried about my state of mind. I was his brother after all.
I pushed him gently and after one quick, but thorough, appraisal he relented. I was still trembling from my earlier fight, but I was more in command. I hesitantly sampled the air and could still smell her. My venom instantly returned, but the thing inside me stayed hidden. I thanked anyone who listened for small miracles.
"I apologize, Jasper," I whispered from my position on the ground. Jasper was still over me, but his hands had slackened their hold and were now there for lack of something to do with them. He had been ready to defend her, but those actions were no longer needed.
"For what, Edward? Could you please tell me something that makes some fucking sense?" he was angry, but more at the entire situation and not being able to process what had happened and what ultimately cause me to stop the chase of my singer. I gathered my limited courage and looked to my brother whom I had never felt close to. I loved Jasper in my own way, but we had never bonded over issues that would have rendered us closer, even though we had much in common.
I took a deep breath and once again regretted my decision as I quickly closed my passage ways. My resistance was already down, and I didn't know how much more I would be able to withstand. I didn't want to have to use the little child again.
"I used your little one, Jasper," my answer finally left my scorched lips. I dropped my pitiful head onto the ground and waited for my brother to tear my useless limbs away from my body. I blocked out his thoughts not wanting to know where he was going to strike. I didn't want the chance to stop him.
"What do you mean you used Cheyenne, Edward?" his anger was palpable. I didn't need to be a mind reader to know that he wanted to disembody me. Drops of his venom landed on my face, and stung where they landed, from his mouth. I didn't try to wipe them from me; they were only a little piece of pain I was going to be feeling after I answered his question, and they were rightly deserved.
"I'm sorry, Jasper, Rose had her over here today, but I kept my distance," I continued to whisper into the ground. "I didn't want her to see something as vile as me. She has a soul and should never have to witness someone, or something in my case, with a lack of a soul." I thought of her mother and what had happened after. I didn't mention this because there was no point; Jasper had been a witness to my abhorrent actions.
"After everything happened, you thought of your love for her mother, and your love for Bella. You love the little child so fully, Jasper. I read that in your mind. I remembered her today with Rose. I thought of her little person, and her complete innocence. I thought of her unblemished little soul, and her pristine spirit. I used her innocuous presence in my mind to pull me from the thing that tried to push me into my darkened depths," I finished on a whisper filled with such ignominy.
I felt beyond ashamed for what I had done, and waited for my due punishment. "I'm so sorry for using the little child, Jasper," I apologized pitifully again. I wanted him to truly know of my sorrow before he finished me completely.
I felt him lean in closer to me as his hands tightened around my shoulders. He yanked me up into a sitting position, and just when I thought he was going to decapitate me, he brought me into his arms. I was beyond perplexed by his actions. I wondered why he hadn't taken out his aggression out onto me, why hadn't he defended Bella's honor for my actions towards her. But more importantly, why hadn't he stopped the very breath that entered my body for using something as innocent as the little child? My arms were kept at my side, unmoving. My mind wandered around in every direction as my emotions careened out of control.
"It's okay, Edward," he whispered to me continuously. With his acceptance of my actions, I felt myself falling faster than I could have possibility imagined. I entered his mind, wanting to know if he were telling the truth or just appeasing my appalling behavior. They told me of his immense anger at my actions and his immense fury at me trying to hurt Bella, but there was something under that vehemence, which stopped him from harming me.
He had understood my actions without a doubt. He empathized with me. He was also angry with himself. He had also come into contact with his singer, but instead of fighting off his monster that wanted nothing more than to sink its teeth into her pliable neck, he had lost control and submitted to the temptation. His eyes had turned red with her blood flowing through his body. He wanted to end his pitiful existence. He wanted to leave the place that had brought Shelly to him and return to the hell from whence he came.
Jasper buried his face in his hands that were behind my neck and started to mourn again for all he had done to her. He knew that it was inevitable, but the feelings of guilt and emptiness at her death had never left him. Carlisle, Peter, and unknowingly, Bella had helped to assuage him of those feelings, but he always kept them with him.
He had never wanted to be that monster again, so he kept those feelings in his person. I carried my own guilt at the lives I had taken, but I don't think the guilt I felt ever reached the depth of compunction that Jasper had reached. In that moment, I learned something about my brother I never really realized before; he was beyond unbelievable in being able to live with amounts of guilt and shame he felt with all his past dealings. It was something I continued to struggle with and probably always would.
I shyly wrapped my arms around my brother's back, allowing my own emotions to join his. I knew I wasn't far from losing it, but I wanted to understand where he came from and why he hadn't killed me.
The first drop of venom filled my eyes and was soon joined by an unremitting stream that never had any intention of falling away. Both of our bodies shook with our grief and our past sins. I would never know how much time passed, but I knew in that moment we held onto each other, our dead bodies were bombarded and infused with our combined sorrow, regretful affliction, dejection, and all around remorse.
Time didn't exist and neither did our embarrassment and modesty at holding each other. We were two brother colluded together through our experiences and transgressions. People may have thought other things, but they were prosaic. In my time of need, my brother had reached out to me, and I had timidly reached back, allowing someone to comfort and take my tribulations.
It was a harrowing experience, but also cathartic in letting myself release my pent up emotions. When my body finally felt sated from the many sensations it had experienced, I pulled back from Jasper and watched as he also struggled to pull himself together. We both looked at the other. I pushed my thankfulness to him for his unyielding understanding and love of his family. His thoughts forcefully entered my mind as I read his gratefulness at not hurting his Bella, and for being able to overcome the temptation of my singer; something he wasn't able to accomplish. I simply nodded to him before I looked away.
"Come, Edward, let's go inside and sit on the couch like civilized vampires do," he jested, his voice still thick with his emotions. A diminutive smile broke over my face as I stood and walked with my brother into the house. We both dusted off our clothes at a fast pace, displacing the accumulated dirt that had gathered on us, neither of us wanting to face Esme's wrath for messing up her antiques. We entered the living room and sat on the sofa. Jasper immediately sagged. I thought his posture was horrid for a vampire, and unneeded. We didn't really feel tired anymore, so I wondered why Jasper had felt the need to sit in such a manner. He looked at me and answered my question probably after feeling my curiosity.
"I am tired, Edward. I know that we as a race don't tire, but I am. Cheyenne has become accustomed to being held so often that she now finds it an inconvenience when someone puts her down. Bella was beyond stressed out with her spoiled daughter that I sent her off to bed around midnight. I spent the rest of the evening trying to convenience my little beauty to allow me to put her down. She would last for a while before she woke up and realized she wasn't been held any longer and screamed in protest."
I wanted to laugh at my brother's plight, but knew he would probably kill me. "It isn't that funny, Edward. She is an insistent little creature and has always known what she wanted," he all but whined. Jasper was a charlatan in that moment. He loved her no matter how insistent she could be. "Anyways, I called Esme last night and asked her to watch my little Cheye beauty. Bella needed time to sleep. Of course Esme agreed, but not more than ten minutes later I get a call from 'papa Carlisle' asking why I hadn't called him to watch her,"
I laughed at Carlisle's behavior and Jasper's sarcasm regarding his behavior. "I told him to get a grip on his jealously and the esteemed doctor had to work today. He sheepishly told me he forgot, and yelled at me about the next time I needed some help in the middle of the night to call. He didn't want his little love to cry. It's his fault along with the rest of the family that she even cried at all. No one can put her down, and yes that includes me," he finished as I gave him a look that said he was guilty of the same crime.
"How did you know that Bella was going to be here?" I asked and should have known. I found myself slipping back into a melancholy state. I sat down next to my fatigued brother and listened as he answered me, "It was like I could feel her calling out to me, Edward. After I returned home and saw that her car was gone, I knew she had come to collect our little one. On the way here I started to feel this apprehension that wasn't coming from me and knew something was wrong. The rest you already know," his voice was sad.
"You scared me today, Edward," he whispered through his fears and I knew he meant Bella. I had no answers for him. Bella's blood had called to me and with that something that I always try to keep hidden had come out to feed on the euphoria that was Bella's blood. I pulled myself from those grievous thoughts and focused on my hands that had taken other lives.
"I know," I answered in my broken voice. It wasn't to garnish sympathy or condolences. It was simply the way I felt.
"I almost lost Bella not too long ago, and I still carry that fear with me. I don't think it will ever leave me. It's not easy being faced with something like her mortality, but when her heart stopped, I also stopped existing. She and my Cheye beauty are my life, Edward. I protect them with everything I am, nothing barred, even my existence," with his words I saw again his experience with Shelly, and the inconsolable grief he had felt in regards to taking her life.
"Is that the reason I was besieged with memories of your Shelly?" I asked hesitantly. I didn't want him to continue to relive the pain, but I needed to know. He looked to me with a sad smile on his pained face.
"Yes, Edward," he spoke softly. "The first reason you saw those imagines so clearly was I could feel your hunger for my angel," he spoke in a voice as broken as my own. His love for Bella was never far from his thoughts or actions. "I felt your desire, and therefore remembered my own desire and call for her blood. I don't think one could ever put into words what it feels like to have that kind of temptation. I cannot even think of anything that would equate to such a pull. My love for Bella and my little beauty are the only things that probably call to me even more. I was lost to my darkness, Edward, unlike you. I sunk my teeth into her broken neck and torn her skin from her bones as if it were a thin sheet of paper. It still sickens me to think about such an atrocious act. I've made my peace with her death over the years, but the regret will never leave me."
I had no words to give him, so I asked him something else.
"What is the second reason, Jasper? You alluded to there being more than one."
"You became distracted by the pictures I pushed at you, Edward." I looked at him in confusion and he explained in his understanding voice. "I would do anything for Bella. My love for her knows absolute no bounds. There are possibly a few things I would never do, but besides that, I cannot think of anything."
I wondered as to what those things were, but he blocked those thoughts from me and gave me a sad smile. "They are too tragic to even consider, brother. Anyway, once I saw you became distracted by my own experience I pushed it to you with my whole being. I only needed a moment to stop you from trying to get to Bella. I hated to use Shelly's death and memory in such a way, but I had to stop you, Edward."
I saw the toll these memories had taken on my brother and I sat in awe that he would use something so devastating for him in saving his angel. But then again, I shouldn't have been that surprised. I never loved someone in that manner before, and wondered if I would ever feel those depths of love. Killing Shelly had been one of the most painful memories of my brother's long existence, but it all paled in comparison to his love.
"I understand, Jasper, and I hold no ill will towards you. If anything I am in your debt. I never want to experience something like you did. I know that is callous of me to say such a thing, but I'm honest when I tell you that, Jasper. I don't think I have your strength to overcome something of that nature. I already suffer from what I am, but if I had taken her life, I'm not sure what would have become of me, and that would have been without your added assistance. I cannot repeat the mistakes of my past."
My brother shook his head as if he were exasperated with my often spoken words. "You underestimate yourself, Edward. You were able to pull back as you thought of Cheyenne, something so pure and innocent. You didn't use her at all, brother, but allowed her to assist you." I gave him a disbelieving look but he continued. "I thought of Bella that night, Edward. I tried to focus on her goodness, and her untainted piece of my soul, but it didn't work. I was still overcome. It is shame I feel when I linger too much on this thought, but the reason I tell you this is so you can realize what you actually accomplished here today. You were strong enough and able to prevail where I wasn't. So don't think you used Cheyenne in a negative way. When you feel that monster trying to bring you into darkness, you remember her Edward, and cling to that little beauty," he finished his impassioned speech.
I respected Jasper all the more in that moment. He was a beacon of strength I had never really noticed.
"You may have taken her life, Jasper, but you eventually picked yourself up again, and chose to live. You may struggle with your actions, but you have learned to accept who you are. I know I have superb control and will be exercising it in the future, but that is different than strength. I don't know how I would have dealt with what you have lived through Jasper." He gave my shoulder a squeeze.
"I don't have that particular answer, Edward, but I would like to believe you would have also embraced your challenges and learned to live with what fate gives you. She is a bitch, make no mistake about that, brother, but I still believe you would rise to the challenge. I know you struggle with what you are, Edward. But, there will come a time you'll have to face your situation, and learn to accept. It's never easy, but always worth it. Learn to live with being a vampire, and learn to accept that you have a soul. I promise you with all that I am, you have one, Edward. Embrace your soul that has been in the shadows, being neglected, and let it come back."
I was a little embarrassed at his emotions on my behalf, but knew he spoke these words because he loved me, even when I had tried to kill his love. "You didn't try to kill her, Edward. I know it wasn't you. I really believe that there is a singer out there for all of us, and it's truly unfortunate when we come across him or her. I know you have what it takes to resist Bella, Edward."
I nodded my head at his love and understanding. I don't think I would have had the same grace he did. But then again, he had come across his singer and knew what it truly felt like. The only other person I knew whom had faced that temptation was Emmett, and he had also fallen to the call. These thoughts didn't assuage my guilt, but they did put it into some perspective. "Are you a mind reader, Jasper?" I asked in all seriousness. I wondered how he knew what I had been contemplating.
"That is your talent, and yours alone, Edward. I don't think I could ever live with such a gift. If I had to live with the imagines of Emmett and Rose, I wouldn't be here talking in the dead flesh." We both shuddered at past experiences. At the thought of reading minds, something else came to me I hadn't even realized. It was almost beyond comprehension, and something I had never experienced.
"You want to know something else, Jasper, something I just realized?" I asked a little breathlessly. His face turned into one of curiosity as he felt my wonder in what just had been discovered. "I couldn't hear or see what Bella was thinking . . . her mind is blank and silent to me."
Jasper and I just sat in silence as we contemplated about this new development and what it could possibly mean. Perhaps my power wasn't as infallible as I always believed it to be.
Author's Notes Continued: Some of you may have been expecting Jasper to rip Edward apart for his behavior towards Bella, but I just couldn't do that or even justify such an action. It would be hypocritical of Jasper to even maim Edward for making an attempt at killing his singer. Yes Jasper loves Bella more than anything and would do anything to protect her, but he can't do that to Edward. Shelly was also someone else's daughter, and possible love. Jasper didn't know that at the time he had taken her life. He just fell to the monster that lusted after her lavish blood.
I hope this chapter was something you haven't really read before and thought different. I also hoped you liked even if you didn't get the reaction you may have been expecting. I loved writing this chapter and all the words just flowed naturally as my fingers danced over my keyboard.
I hope all is well with everyone, and please forgive the terribly long author's notes. Thanks to all who read, add me to their favorites and alerts, and thanks to all those who review. You truly make my week! Much love as always. =)
Posted: 22 January 2011
